Parenting Lessons from Bad Bosses: When Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) affects our Parenting and Partners #214
What’s your story of working under an unqualified or unsupportive boss? I’m sharing a few of my terrible boss experiences.
But today’s episode is not just about the bad bosses in the workplace. As a parent, we often feel underqualified. You don’t want to be a “bad boss”, but no one handed you an instruction manual when your children arrived!
What do you do when you don’t know what to do?
When you don’t feel sure of your choices, it starts to seep into your confidence level. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) shows up to make you doubt your parenting decisions, increasing the guilt around what you should have done, and layering in the shame on how you’re ruining your kids forever with your mess ups. Yikes!
RSD also taints how we relate to our partners, which can stir up the same conflict over and over again. It influences how we react to the slightest eyebrow raise and every “what if” scenario. It makes you scared to bring up important conversations.
Knowing it’s not just you is half the battle. Let’s dive into how we can better support and care for our families and partners, by starting with ourselves.
Stop Medusa Mom in her tracks with these 10 tips to calm down before you lose your cool! Watch (or read) the free video here: https://www.patriciasung.com/calm
When you know how to stay calm, your child’s meltdown over leaving the holiday party won’t ruin your day. You can respond firmly and lovingly because you’re in control of your emotions.
Next week, Early Bird Registration of my next round of Lighthouse Group ADHD Coaching is open to the waitlist for 3 days only.
The group starts in 2024, so put your name on the waitlist now so you’ll know that after the holidays are over and the kids are back in school, you are ready to get your life together and your emotions in control.
You’ll learn the skills you wish you knew growing up to make adulting easier as someone with ADHD and you’ll be able to teach your kids how to live well with ADHD.
Thank you to our sponsor, Skylight Calendars, whose support allows me to share this podcast with you for free!
I only partner with brands I know and love, so I bet you’ll love this amazing digital calendar as much as I do - it will help keep your family coordinated and less stressed.
Use the coupon code PATRICIA to get 10% off your family calendar at SkylightCal.com
Patricia Sung 00:00
I have worked for some terrible bosses. One guy got mad I didn't stay in town for category five hurricane. And then like no appreciation when I came back took me like 10 hours to make the four hour drive back. And I lived in my apartment by myself, no electricity, no running water, no appreciation at all. They came back earlier than everybody else. I had another boss who hired me for a job that I was not qualified for. And then every time I asked for help, she was like, you know, or like would pawn me off in somebody else. Then one time I had a boss who was not qualified in I was working at the bank, and she made an error in filling the cash machines that look like she stole $53,000 and then tried to blame it on me that I couldn't fix it. But I'm sure you have these kinds of horror stories too. So let's dive in.
Patricia Sung 00:48
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy, you can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home or your family? I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story.
Patricia Sung 01:46
And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD. When you know how to stay calm your child's meltdown over missing holiday party number four will not bother you, or your tween rolling their eyes and mumbling choice words that you can just roll off your back and you're able to respond firmly and lovingly, because you're in control of your emotions. Here's a heads up that next week I am opening an early bird registration for my Lighthouse group ADHD coaching for the first group that's happening in 2024. I'm only sharing that with the waitlist for now. And it's a small group. So this is something that you need, please hop on the waitlist so that you can get your spot next week.
Patricia Sung 02:31
Because when you're feeling overwhelmed, and you have too much to do, and you're already dreading the holidays, and you're like oh, there's so much coming home and to keep up with it. Like, I want you to know that after the holidays are over the kids are back in school mid January, things are finally starting to feel a bit calmer that you're going to be able to hit the ground running and get your life together, get your emotions in control, and start to build that life that you really want to live. So again, I'm only sharing this with the waitlist. So go ahead and add your name on there. It's https://www.patriciasung.com/group-waitlist then I will send you all the details next week in if you're not sure go ahead and put your name on the list. If there's any spots open come January like I'll open up for everyone.
Patricia Sung 03:12
But you are going to learn the skills that you wish you had growing up in order to make adulting easier as somebody with ADHD and I want you to be able to teach your kids how to live well with ADHD too. So come join me for the next round of group coaching starting February 1 2024. And put your name on the waitlist https://www.patriciasung.com/group-waitlist, and we're gonna get ourselves together in the New Year mama. Before we dive into this week's episode, let's read her review of the week. This one's from Noel, I feel so seen five stars. This podcast has been amazing for me. I am an undiagnosed mom with ADHD that is 37 years old. And just listening to all of these things on this podcast have made me feel so seen and understood. It's also helped me feel more confident about myself and that I'm not just hot mess.
Patricia Sung 04:02
Even the intro saying spoiler alert, you're already a great mom just almost brings me to tears every time I listen to the podcast. Well, I am very glad that you're here. No Well, because we need to hear that I need to hear it too. And if you want to come and just listen to the intro and repeat you go ahead, ma'am. Because you are a great mom because you're trying and you're doing your best. And that's all we can do for our kids is try our best. Keep on tracking. And we'll get there. We'll get there eventually. If you have not yet rated the podcast, Mama, please head over to your app hit five stars and let me know what you think. Alright, so when we work for a bad boss, it is all encompassing. Like, there are so many issues that come with working for a terrible boss in their terms like you don't understand what's going on. It feels unfair. You only want to get out of bed in the morning like you don't want to talk to those people. You feel like you keep trying. It never goes right like no matter what you do. Things aren't coming together.
Patricia Sung 05:01
And it's really frustrating when you know, like, there's nothing you can do about it as a subordinate, like you just have to deal when your boss is not a great or you find another job. Like, obviously, we wish bosses had more instruction and like better training. And that's something you can do. Like, as a supervisor, you can go to training classes, you can get certification that you can learn how to be a better boss. A lot of times, like when we're a parent, we're like, look, I feel I'm just supposed to magically know how to be a good parent. Like, nobody gave me an instruction manual, when my kid showed up, like, you can feel super under qualified in being a parent. And like, all the training is just like on the job, you figure it out. And only you know, like, it is okay to ask for help as a parent, like it's okay to get training as a parent, because this epiphany, the idea of like, I don't want my kids to feel like they have a bad boss. I don't want my partner to feel that the person running the house is under qualified. I don't want my family to feel like I don't understand them. I don't want them to feel like life's unfair.
Patricia Sung 06:02
I don't want them to be like, I don't want to go to bed. I don't want to come downstairs. I don't want to talk to them. They don't talk to me that like I don't my kids feel like they're trying and it's never right. Or that my husband feels like he keeps trying and it's never right. Like is volatile mom gonna yell at me today. Like, I don't want my family to feel like I felt with those ridiculous bosses. And that's what's helped me know, like, it's okay for me to ask for help. It's okay for me to take care of me so that I can take care of them. We are not required to just know how to do stuff know how to parent like, yes. And they tell you to always be like, Oh, it's the most natural thing in the home or No, it's not, I don't know what I'm doing. You don't know you're doing that. Let's not pretend like I need help. You need help. I need support, you need support, it is okay for us to ask for help and get support in like learning how to run our family well how to be a parent like, it is okay to ask for help. Everything that I do ripples out into my family into my friends into my relationship into my job. And every time my cup is filled, it means that I can do more for others than I can do with an empty cup. As moms, we do whatever we can for our families, even we don't have anything like basically until we can't go anymore. Like, it's like I had this sinus infection for like two weeks before I went and got help.
Patricia Sung 07:21
So I'm like, No, my body's gonna fight it, it's gonna be fine. Like, I don't know, where I don't know why I was being delusional. Because sinus infections are the one thing that takes me down every year, except I forgot having gotten one through the whole panini. And here I am. I'm like, Oh, I'm good. Like, it's fine. My body is healed. I'm so strong. No, oh, no science fiction. So took me down. And I kept taking care of everybody else taking care of my business, doing all things thinking that, like, my body could do it. And without me like making significant changes, like yes, I was doing things to take care of myself more than I normally do. But like I didn't double down and like be like, Hey, how do I get better? I was trying to juggle all the things for like our families know, when we're serving on of empty bowls. They know when we're having a bad day, they know, like, even we don't have to tell them like they can tell things are up. Like they might not be able to say like my mom's having a bad day, like they know when we're struggling because they feel it. And I can think of so many of my friends who were raised by single parents, and they're like, my mom worked two jobs and do whatever she could, like, she worked so hard, like to give us everything we needed.
Patricia Sung 08:25
And like, kids know that their mom sacrificed a lot kids know that, like their immigrant parents, you know, worked their tails off to get where they are, like, whatever your situation was that your parent was struggling in, like you knew that they were sacrificing even if you didn't understand like the full scope of it. And maybe we couldn't put on to words like we knew our parents were sacrificing. We knew that they were struggling and like yet somehow, like we sometimes think that like we can hide these things from our kids. And I'm like, Yeah, we could keep that up for a while. But like, at some point, either we start to resent them, like we started doing it begrudgingly and we feel like we're not appreciated, or we start sacrificing our sleep or health even if we don't have any like Ill Will about it like before we continue on, I
Patricia Sung 09:13
want to say thank you to our sponsors whose support allows me to bring you this podcast for free. I have reduced the mental load as a mom by using the skylight calendar. Over the last few months it has been in our kitchen with adorable pictures of our family and our family calendar. So this keeps me from being the gatekeeper. I love that it is visual color coded. There's a chore chart with emojis for kids who are still learning how to read the app is super convenient and you also have the option to connect it to your digital calendar. This has been a game changer for us to all stay on the same page and avoid those unfortunate miscommunications that happen as a special offer you get 10% off your purchase when you use the code Patricia at SkylightCal.com and get your very own digital calendar frame That's S K Y L, I G H T C, A L .com And the promo code Patricia to save. But look, if you don't have anything left to give, you don't have anything left to go. And we love them so much that we keep doing it, but like to what and at what point are we going to stop and say, Hey, I got to take care of myself, or I won't have anything left to care for other people. At what point am I going to admit, hey, I'm sick, and I can't do all the things anymore.
Patricia Sung 10:29
And I'm gonna buckle down and get myself healthy PS, it was like three weeks in? What if it didn't have to be that way? Like, what if we could serve from a full tray? Things one of the things that stood out to me the most at the retreat last month was that two of the mums had told me like how much better care they take of themselves. Now, after they had been to the first retreat, like how much happier they are and how their family is doing significantly better, their relationship is doing significantly better. They have shared these things with their friends like it is rippled out into so much more than then just taking care of themselves. So like both of them, their husbands are like, go, we'll figure it out, make it happen, because they saw the difference in how they were different. When they came back from the retreat. There's so many times where we think like taking care of ourselves is selfish. And we feel guilty about it. And like we forget that we are part of the family and we forget that our well being matters, and we think we can cover it up. And that like yeah, sure that worked for a while.
Patricia Sung 11:23
But like at some point, it runs out like us taking care of ourselves matters so much in like, I talked to you before about how my husband might have been doing marriage counseling and highly recommend if you're struggling in your marriage, or even things are just kind of bumpy. Like, I recommend talking to somebody else who could just help so much when you both have this like objective third party because it helps you realize how much like what you're doing is very common, or is like not a great, like you just start to put up with things because they are there and like, oh, no, you got to deal with this. This is not okay, like some and sometimes those things are also the things that are common. It's like having that outside perspective, which actually we're talking about perspectives next week, like having that fresh outside perspective, like matters so much in your relationship.
Patricia Sung 12:09
And I want to give the disclaimer to have like, my advice is talking about like when you are in a good relationship, not somebody who is narcissistic or abusive like that, you need different advice for that, like I'm talking about, like if you're in a pretty good relationship that just needs a lot of support, like getting outside help to work through that is very helpful. You know, we were talking last month about one of those like, same old fights that we have all the time. And this is the one where like, he's annoyed about something or frustrated or something. And I immediately assume that he's angry with me, which means I get defensive right away. And then he does get angry because I'm being so defensive. And then because then I started like coming on the offensive and like then he gets mad, and then all goes downhill. And then I'm like, see you are mad. And he's like, Well, you made me mad.
Patricia Sung 12:53
And like, I'm sure you have fights like that, where you're like it's the same fight we've had umpteen times for how many years like, we're trying to work through this same old fight, so we don't keep having it. And while we're working through this discussion, or counsel looks at me, and he's like, are you coming to the conversation with the base level, that Dominic loves you and wants the best for you. And I just sat there really quiet for way too long, honestly, because it scared Dominic and my counselor. Because what I realized in my head is like, all like the pieces were shifting into place of like, wait a second, like, I logically know this, I know that he loves me, and I know that he wants the best for me, like how I'm responding emotionally, doesn't actually reflect that, like, the way that I'm responding in the moment emotionally is he's mad at me. And now I'm defensive and angry back at him for being mad at me. And like, at the time, he was asking me this was like, my head was like exploding, realizing that, like, the two things weren't lining up, like what I logically knew, and what I was emotionally doing did not make sense. And I was so confused. I'm like, I have worked so hard, like in therapy, and we were doing counseling, I'm like, doing all the things to work on myself and our relationship in. I've worked so hard in like working through RSD or rejection sensitivity. dysphoria, like that physical pain that comes with criticism. And, and like, I feel like I've come so far, and yet I didn't see how it was showing up in this way. And I think this is something that a lot of us struggle with is that the way that RST shows up in relationships is that I assume he's going to be mad at me.
Patricia Sung 14:36
Every time something goes wrong. I always assume the worst and that something bad's going to happen, instead of assuming that it might be okay. I like my brain and your brain to looks for evidence to support that. What do you do when you're really struggling to calm down when you're dysregulated and your brain is offline? When medusae mom is about to rear her ugly head, and you don't want to yell at your kids again, but you also desperately need some time and space to yourself. Well, you're in luck, Mama. Because I've got a free video resource waiting for you. I'm sharing my top 10 tips for what to do when you're losing your cool and you need to resign each of these things you can do in under a minute with no fancy prep, so that you can calm down enough to make a different choice than exploding like a volcano on everybody in the vicinity.
Patricia Sung 15:30
Now, since it's a video, you can watch what I do for easier practice. And of course, there's audio plus captions to read it, I also have a little cheat sheet underneath of all the ideas. So you can grab that list, stick in your phone somewhere so that um, a time where you're like totally freaking out, you can go that list and quickly pick the idea that's going to help you calm down in that moment, head over to https://www.patriciasung.com/calm That's ca LM and download your free video on how you can keep your cool when you're overwhelmed. That's https://www.patriciasung.com/calm. Because you can learn how to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your family.
Patricia Sung 16:10
So like when I am worried like oh, he's mad at me, my brain immediately pulls up that time he was mad at me and shows the evidence of like, well, he was mad at you this time. But my brain doesn't pull up the time that he wasn't mad to me. Like my brain is looking for evidence so that it's right, which I mean, lovely brain, thanks for helping but also not helpful here. Like, when you always assume that they know better than you, you always assume that they're gonna be mad at you, when you messed up, if you always assume that, like, they're gonna make you feel bad about the thing you did and use it against. Like, either you have a really awful partner or your brain is trying to protect you from something that doesn't always happen. And this is a place where like, I mean, I'm not even getting my soapbox about RST versus trauma response and all that because that's a whole nother episode.
Patricia Sung 16:59
But like, in those times where I assume he's going to be mad at me, I then make all my decision super fast jumping to conclusions I'm not even aware of, in making the problem worse than it was instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt. And coming at it from the base of he loves me and he wants the best for me. So right now like, every time there's a problem, it's my job to be like, are you mad at me? Because I need to reinforce with my brain that he's not always mad at me. Yes, sometimes he is mad at me. But most of the time he is not. In being able to make this perspective shift of coming at it with not only what my brain logically has been emotionally coming at it from I know that he loves me and wants the best for me has massively shifted the way that we interact with each other.
Patricia Sung 17:47
I've done a lot of things to work on this. But like I think back through doing my inner child work in therapy of like, you know, at first we started like dealing with perfectionist me, which to me was like, you know, about 16. And like, who's trying to just not mess up anything and trying to smooth everything over. And like if everything's perfect, we don't have any problems. And like, you'll see this show up and up impostor syndrome a lot is this perfectionism. Like, if I just don't mess up, then I won't have a problem. Then it was like we're working on like, nine year old me who's like, when things go wrong, is really sad and confused and hurt, like, bewildered, like, how did I mess this up? Like, I thought I was doing the right thing. And like, so eager and trying so hard to do, right? And like, it's like this crush spirit of like, this is how, like, a lot of us end up giving up and just not trying anymore.
Patricia Sung 18:33
Because it doesn't feel like you're like no matter what you do. It's not gonna get better. Like, that's 90 year old me. And like, I've worked through that and like, spending like, quality time with like, giving hugs. I mean, like, I see how hard you try it. I understand that you're working hard and you really are trying, yes, it didn't work out. I think back was six year old me like working with all the perfectionism like, is like giving myself evidence that like if I mess up, it's okay, if I make a mistake. It's all right. How do I work through that? How am I okay with being wrong? And like not to say that I have solved all these problems. Like I'm still working on it. But like Now listen, I realized, like we moved ahead of like, now I feel like I'm like a 12 year old me that's like madly, it's unfair. Like, I tried really hard and it didn't work out and I'm getting hurt for it. And I'm mad and like I'm trying to protect the part of me that's hurt, like trying to protect a little nine year old me who is doing her best. And like that level of like frustration at the injustice of it all and like, why can't it just be easy? Why does this have to be so hard? And that part of me is just like ready to attack and defend and she's the one who like also like tells little white lies like oh, I didn't do that you did this and like, shoves the blame around and like she's the one I'm trying to sort through now of like giving her a big hug. I mean, like I see you I see how much you're trying to protect and how much you're fighting for justice and like giving her space to be angry and also to know like, Hey, it's okay. Like there's also another way that we can do this. Like we don't have to do everything from fight mode.
Patricia Sung 19:56
We don't have to attack everything. When we feel like we might get attacked, in like, finding the other ways to do things that don't involve that, like instant reaction. So now my relationship like before, I would like speed through all of those pieces of me so fast that I didn't even know like something was there, I wasn't even aware of them. And now that I have this awareness allows me to like slow down and notice all these different pieces of me that show up when something goes wrong, that it wasn't perfect that there was an error, and that I was hurt that it didn't go well. And I did really try hard and also like, the injustice of it of like, but I thought I did all the things right. And now it's but it's not right. And I'm mad about it. And like how do I give myself space to be present in support? All those different parts of me that exist. And on one hand, like it's really scary to open up all those parts of me in like, sometimes I'm like, Oh, great, like, what am I fine next time. I don't know if you guys have ever seen the show United States of Tara, it was really good. Tony clut a plus, I love that show.
Patricia Sung 21:01
But anyways, we're gonna go watch a show, it's really good. But understanding and helping each of those parts of me means that I'm able to give support to all of those pieces. And now I can come at the situation knowing like, my partner is there for me, he does want the best for me in coming at it so that both my like logical brain and my emotional brain are on the same page means that like it's creating these new helmets, it's creating new space, so that we can create new patterns when we're in conflict. And I'm able to understand how my ADHD has like this filter on real life. Like I always say, I'm not defined by my ADHD. It's not who I am. But it does affect everything, like a filter on a picture like it, it affects everything in my life. And when I understand myself and my ADHD, that's what allows me to have the freedom to let go of things that aren't serving me. And like lives in so much like just being happier, even though like my situation hasn't changed. But the way that I look at it is different.
Patricia Sung 22:01
My mindset about it is different. And that's what allows me to do things in a different way. Like I still have the same responsibilities, the same house, the same family, but I am able to approach them in a different way. So I know now that when I ask my husband for support on something, he wants the best for me, and he's gonna help me figure out how to make it work because he knows how much my well being affects the family. And that I don't have to feel guilty about spending money or time on myself. Because things that are truly supporting me and enriching me like those things also into me. And then my family also reaps the benefit of those, like, it's not just me, I'm not the only one that gets the benefit out of it. Like I want my family to have a stable leader who is competent and capable and knows how to stay in control of my emotions, and how to ride through the ups and downs and still stay present in the moment and be there for my family.
Patricia Sung 22:58
Because as moms like we're the emotional leaders of our families, we're the ones who set the tone for things and that every time I take care of myself, and I'm sowing in good seeds like that harvest comes to my family and me like we all benefit from that. So in listening to this, I don't want you to feel guilty about things that you're struggling with. But I want you to release the guilt of taking care of yourself like that you can put time and money and effort into yourself and knowing that it's not just helping you, it's helping everyone around you. It's not selfish. It is a gift those you love and it pays in dividends over time, more and more helping you and your family the more that you take care of yourself. So from one mama who is learning this lesson, is you can hear my voice the hard way continually.
Patricia Sung 23:49
I hope that this helps you to know that you can take care of yourself you can slow down. You can take space and time and money for you. Because every time you do, it's good for you and it's good for your family. May you be safe from all these germs mama, and I will talk to you soon successful mama. For more resources, classes and community head over to my website. motherhoodinadhd.com