ADHD Sabotage: How Do I Stop Impulsive Spending and Behavior? Your Questions Answered! #157
When impulsive behavior bites you in the butt again, it’s discouraging!
I’m sharing how I slow down impulsive leaps that kick my butt.
In a brand new format, a listener (one of you, mama!) shares her question and I answer!
Today Irina asks how to stop impulsive spending. It’s not as easy as “well, just don’t buy that.” 🙄
These impulsivity tips aren’t just for money! Even if you are a savings queen, these strategies will help you anytime you feel like your ADHD is sabotaging your well-laid plans.
Ask your questions in our free facebook community.
It’s time to take care of a very important person in the family: Mom.
We’ll relax, rest, have fun, and build friendships with mamas who think like us. Plus learn how to take care of our impressive yet evermoving brains.
Join us in Houston, October 7-9, 2022 for the very first ADHD Moms retreat! Reserve your ticket here: patriciasung.com/adhd-mom-retreat
Patricia Sung 00:00
Do you struggle with impulse spending? That is today's topic for Ask Patricia. Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family, I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest or the visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families. Well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung 01:13
Hey there successful mama. It's your friend Patricia. I recently started a post in our free Facebook community called Ask Patricia where you can go in ask a question, and I will be sure to answer back. And some of the times it's really easy because I haven't episode on that until Hey, go listen this episode. Here's the answer. And then as I'm you know, typing with them, like oh, I have a lot to say, some of these topics. And then God G fashion. I'm like, Oh, what if I made these into an episode? So I'm giving this a try. Tell me if you like this format, and maybe it'll become a regular thing. I'm all about testing new things. Right?
Patricia Sung 01:48
So here's our very first ask Patricia question from our Facebook group. And if you haven't joined, this is a really great way to get answers to your questions, not just for me, but from all the other moms who share advice and tips and tricks and what was working for them. It's really great to crowdsource with people who understand how your brains work, and don't get lame advice back. Okay, so you can search through the group and find all kinds of info on different topics highly recommend, I'm clearly not sure to party, but I do invite you to go join the motherhood and ADHD Facebook group, it's totally free. So I'm going to play the clip for you of Irina explaining her current conundrum about impulse spending time motherhood and ADHD podcast, I have a question for you. How do you handle finances as someone with ADHD when you have a partner, but also struggle with impulse spending.
Patricia Sung 02:43
So my basic story is that I am the Chief Financial Officer of my family. And I am actually really good at budgeting and tracking our money. However, I actually also struggle with my own impulse spending, a lot of people tell me to do things like have my own personal budget for the things I want. But the problem is that I do that and end up blowing that budget every single month. So the frustrating part is that I'm managing finances with my husband, and he is really bad at money. But he's also frustrated that I tend to spend a lot more than I should be. And to be honest, I'm pretty frustrated with this too, because I know that realistically, I can't keep going over my own personal budget, because I'm starting a new job. And although I'll be making more money than ever before, we're also trying to pay off some debt and save for a vacation.
Patricia Sung 03:48
So here is my question, how do I do this? How do I both manage our finances and also curb my own impulse spending? The thing is that I always know that I'm spending over budget, and I still do it anyway. And this is a really big struggle. So I would really appreciate your help. And thank you so much, Patricia. Now one thing she didn't mention here in this clip that she did say in the Facebook group is that when she's making these impulse decisions, to buy something she feels in the moment like she rationalizes it, and is like, I deserve to treat myself like and she wraps her brain around, like why is this a good idea? And does it and then it's later when she's like, ooh, that's not what I wanted to do. And that's a key component, I think in this conundrum. So first off, you have a budget in place, but some people do not. So that's where you need to start backing up if you need to figure out even like what your plan is. I have several episodes for that. Actually, back in the day. The beginning I had quite a few episodes on just wise money management, I think was the series. So if this is an area where you struggle, you don't have a budget you're not good at savings.
Patricia Sung 04:59
Are overdrawn your bank account, I got stuff for you. Okay, so go back and listen to episode 22. That's about how to put money in your savings account. Episode 23 is about not overdrawn your account number 24 is how to pay your bills on time number 31 is about how to make budgets. And number 32 is about prioritizing where your money is spent. Now, I worked in banking for many years. So the inside scoop on to several of these things. So that's step one. But you clearly have a budget, you've already got that part down, you figure that out. And I was laughing as I was like, circling back to these because sweet Irina actually recorded this for me a while ago, it was like literally right when I got COVID, and I was out and down for the count for like a solid month. And I'm still trying to pull it together, I was like, I really want to get this done.
Patricia Sung 05:45
So what reminded me of it is I was talking to my friend, Liz a couple days ago, and she was saying the same thing, like I have a budget, but it's all the little things that get me off guard that like last minute decision to pick up dinner, or, you know, stop at the convenience store, when I get gas. Or let me just grab this extra thing at Target. All of these little things are what are blowing out the budget, it's not the big decisions of your housing or saving for a vacation. Like, it's not to say that you really shouldn't do anything fun. But all of these little impulse buys are the ones that are like taking it out, go to say this is a common thing when we have ADHD. So we're, we we often know in many problems, not just here, but in most problems we often know what to do we know the answer is have a budget, make smart decisions about your spending, but then we get stuck with the how and then the doing of it. So knowing the way to do that, and then actually doing the thing.
Patricia Sung 06:42
So let's start with how when you think about there's a part of you the financial Irina knows what she wants, she knows the goals, she's responsible, she knows all the good things about like thinking of the future and making responsible decisions. And that's why financial Irina made the plan in the budget in the first place. Right? Then when it comes in time to those impulse buys herself care arena. She wants to take care of you. She wants to have fun, she wants to treat you she wants to care for you. And these two parts of you are both great. Like yes, we need responsible IRENA who's taking care of you financially and making wise decisions. And we also need self care IRENA who is caring for you in making your life enjoyable and making sure that you're cared for, and that you have the things you deserve. Like those are both good parts of you. There's nothing wrong with either of those parts.
Patricia Sung 07:37
Where we come into the issue is those two parts right now are at odds with each other is that self care arena in the moment is making the best decision for care and treating yourself and then responsible at Arena financial Irene is like mad because these decisions over here didn't match this decision over here. Right? And so they're at odds with each other? How do we make the decision so that both financial arena and self care Iryna can come together and be on the same page? And we're on the same team with each other? How can those goals align so that you can be responsible and make wise decisions with your money and also have fun and treat yourself those two things don't have to be mutually exclusive.
Patricia Sung 08:17
So if you're not mathy apologies, but I think of a Venn diagram. It's like you got the circle here and you got the circle here, like where do they overlap in the middle? Where can both of these parts of you both be happy with the solution? Because we don't want financial arena to be mad and frustrated at self care arena. And we don't want selfcare Irina to feel oh, it's sort of looking for like deprived and like life's no fun and you aren't treating yourself? Well. You can do both of those things in a way that matches them both when you thought about it ahead of time. So this is where like the planning part comes in of like, here's our plan boundaries around spending. And here's our planned ways of treating ourselves. And here's where they overlap with each other. So we know that there there is a solution there. And that will be different for everyone. Everyone has different priorities and how they spend their money, how they treat themselves, what's valuable to them, what makes them feel special. So write down that list of the two things of how they overlap together.
Patricia Sung 09:19
Now for the doing part, how do we actually do the plan that we came up with? First off, I'm going to say you don't have to be perfect with this plan. You don't have to execute it exactly to be a win. If you even do this plan half the time, then you have half the time that you're kicking yourself and beating yourself up and talking to yourself poorly about how you didn't do it. So anytime that this works, that you remember that you pause and come up with another solution like that's a win, even if it's 1% of the time more than you used to a little bit is better. This is a muscle you're building. It's not going to all magically be different tomorrow. Fair warning.
Patricia Sung 09:55
Okay, so how do we actually do this? You have your list of the way is that you feel like you've been financially responsible. And you also have the list of the ways that you feel treated and well deserved, right? My first question is like, I still want you to be able to be spontaneous and fun and all, but within the bounds that still feel good for you. Because spontaneous doesn't have to be like no boundaries. Spontaneous just means you decided in the moment. And it's a lot easier to make a decision that's congruent, like that fits what you want, when you actually have it lined out of what you want, then you can choose the thing that is also fun and treating yourself and spontaneous and wonderful, and still fits within financial arenas decisions as well. So the next question is, where do you get off track? Let's start looking at the patterns. Is there a certain kind of spending that you're doing? Like, do these things fall in a similar category? Is it happening at a certain time of day patterns may be things like I tend to do a lot of clothes shopping, or beauty products, or I tend to pick up dinner on the way home instead of cooking. When you start lining up, like what are all these patterns, you can start to see where the root is is like a time of day issue where you're picking up food on the way home because you're tired, you have decision fatigue, and it's just an easier solution, then you can start choosing based on that, okay, well, what can I do to make dinnertime easier for us? What are some ideas there, that would be another solution to me cooking a full like Thanksgiving platter here, but not be swinging through the drive thru every day? Is it that you're not sure what to cook.
Patricia Sung 11:33
So then you have to make all the choices about like, where to start, like would having a pile of note cards to pull out where like, these are my five easy meals. And when I am just dead tired. Here's things I can make in 10 minutes with whatever I have on hand. Another pattern might be that you're wanting to treat yourself, because you haven't treated yourself during the day, you haven't taken time to give yourself some happy moments to treat yourself to take care of yourself to rest that by the end of the day, your body's going, Hey, you haven't treated us well. We are tired, we want treats, give me treats. And you indulge because your body's yelling at you that is treat Thai. That's okay, like we need to have treats in our life. But is that because we didn't do it earlier in the day. It's just like when we eat a bunch of crap food. And we didn't mean to. But actually, it's because we didn't drink enough water during the day. And our body is rumpy Addis and sending out signals of alert, and we're filling it with food that we wouldn't normally choose. But we didn't give it the fuel it needed during the day, we didn't give it the water I needed during the day.
Patricia Sung 12:34
So where are you taking care of yourself elsewhere so that you're not feeling like you need to treat yourself after work, or whatever. And again, I'm just guessing at these patterns. When you look at your day and you start to see where the patterns are, you'll start to be able to see like, oh, okay, here's the issue. Let me dig in, what's the root? Where can I actually find solutions that will solve that instead of the way that I'm solving it in the moment. And that brings me to the power of the pause. We recently talked about that on why the pause matters. This is a way that the pause matters. Building the pause muscle in your brain makes a really big difference in how you live your life. We talked about last time where it lowers your stress decreases your impulsivity, you're able to see the big picture, appreciate what you have remembering that you already bought that thing you went to go buy and then you remember you already have two of them at home like this. These are all bonuses are having that pause there. Because in the moment self care you wants to take care of you. And that's wonderful. And when we pause, we can build the muscle.
Patricia Sung 13:39
The first step is just recognizing like thank you self care me, I really appreciate you wanting to take care of me right now. And giving me a treat right now. Anyway, these are the ways that I can treat myself right now without hurting or ignoring the other parts of me at the same time. These are the snacks I have on hand that are in alignment with healthy me, these are the ways I can treat myself that are in line with financial me when we pause in that moment and recognize, oh, here's what I'm doing. Again, thank you brain, thank you for taking care of me, I appreciate it. And these are the ways I can do that without going against what's also me like this is one of the reasons we are talking about the power of the pause at our moms retreat next month because it affects so many pieces of your life.
Patricia Sung 14:29
Like it's okay that you're saving for vacations or treating yourself here and there. Like that's not a bad thing you need that you need to take care of yourself. Like self care is not a luxury. It's a requirement. You have to take care of yourself. We're not meant to live on this earth in poverty and miserable illness and never having any fun or joy. Like that's not why we're here. I want you to take care of yourself. I want you to treat yourself I want you to go on my mouse retreat. I want you to have ways that you're taking care of yourself. And you can find those ways by preparing ahead of time. And then the moment pausing to allow your brain to access, especially when it's at the end of the day and you're tired along it to access like, oh, right, these are the ways that I can still meet that need. That's not also feeling regretful or harmful later on, when you find yourself putting one part of you in a higher priority, that contradicts the other part of you.
Patricia Sung 15:27
Take a moment to brainstorm how can you make both parts of you happy? How can you listen to both parts of you that are saying these things are important? How can you find a solution with your very creative problem solving ADHD brain that fits both of those parts of you that you want to be successful? We're diving into this together at the retreat in October, come join me there take this time to take care have you focus on what you need, understanding how to take care of you? How do you implement the pause, so that you're making wise choices that fit all the different parts of you, not to mention, that I'm taking all the decision fatigue out of there for you, and that I am planning everything and I'm taking care of everything. So you don't have to worry about cooking or cleaning or planning meals? Or when do we go take a nap? When do we eat dinner, I will do all that for you. I'm taking that whole mental load from you this weekend. I'm carrying it for you so that you can relax and take care of you.
Patricia Sung 16:28
Now, if you were in the US this weekend is our Labor Day and don't know who doesn't get rest from their labor on Labor Day moms. So, hi, I'm inviting you to take a rest from your labor at our retreat in October. I'm running flash sale for the conference Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. It's $100 off with the coupon code is labor, L A, B O R because they really want to incentivize you to make time for yourself. This matters. It matters so much. If it's not with me cool. Do it on your own time, figure out how to make it work for you. But if that feels really overwhelming, just come on this trip like this is the point. I'm taking all the work out of it for you. It's like as minimal effort as you could possibly get on getting away because I'm handling it all for you. I want you to rest I want you to breathe, I want you to sleep. I want you to just be like a be a human being not a human doing for this weekend. Spend time with women who get you ask questions about your ADHD. Have some fun, we're gonna have fun. I have activities planned. I also have arrest planned like this is going to be such a good weekend for you please put yourself on the priority list and come on to the retreat October 7th - 9th here in Houston. The website is patriciasung.com/adhd-mom-retreat. It's also you can just head to the website motherhood ADHD, you'll find it there. This is the time to figure out how do you implement the pause in your life? And how do you take care of you so that you can teach your kids how they can take care of themselves because when we have ADHD it's not our best skill, but it can be when you work on it. So I'm inviting you come on mama. patriciasung.com/adhd-mom- retreat, all lowercase letters there. I will see you in October successful.
Patricia Sung 18:21
For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhood in adhd.com