Feeling Exhausted? 2 Tiring Mom Jobs You Don’t Give Yourself Credit For #159

 
 

We went to the Johnson Space Center during the last week of summer and got to sit in Mission Control for the Apollo 13 mission. At Mission Control, they monitor everything from the fuel level, oxygen level, the trajectory, and even the poo. 

Guess who is Mission Control for your entire family?

Yup, you.

No wonder you’re exhausted before you even get out of bed!

Two things that exhaust me a lot are timekeeping and emotional regulation. 

Let’s talk about how you can take care of yourself as a mom with ADHD during these impossible missions.

It’s time to take care of a very important person in the family: Mom. 

We’ll relax, rest, have fun, and build friendships with mamas who think like us. Plus learn how to take care of our impressive yet evermoving brains. 

Join us in Houston, October 7-9, 2022 for the very first ADHD Moms retreat! Reserve your ticket here: patriciasung.com/adhd-mom-retreat

 Patricia Sung  00:02

Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on.

 Patricia Sung  01:03

Welcome to motherhood in ADHD. pay their successful mama, it's your friend Patricia Sung. Before we jump into today's episode, let's read our review of the week. This one is from P Hirsch just found this podcast and I feel so seen and understood and informed to this podcast is such a gem and amazing for anyone with ADHD or anyone who thinks they might have it. I've learned so much about it and really appreciate all the hard work Patricia does in researching to inform us. Well thank you p as my initial buddy, I so appreciate your comment. And thank you I work really hard and researching all this stuff. Because while I will tell you my opinions, it's more important to me that you know, for real what actually is true and correct. So I appreciate that you appreciate that. And if you haven't yet, Mama, please go in and rate the podcast, especially in Apple podcasts because they're the big player. And it really does make a difference in not only how it shows up when people search for things, but when I go to ask some of the bigger name, guests, people look at how many ratings are our to see whether or not it is worthy of their time. And I want you to help me get those people on the show. So please go in there hit five stars. And I would love to hear your words too. But hitting those five stars is just as valuable. So thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to read the podcast on whatever app you're listening on.

 Patricia Sung  02:26

And now let's jump in. So this summer, we took the kids to Space Center Houston and the Johnson Space Center is one of our last summer fun activities. And one of the tours you can take is to actually go into mission control where the Apollo 13 mission took place. They have recreated what it looked like the day that the mission happened. They have everything still there, the coats on the coat racks, that exact ashtrays that they would have used in the 70s. And they're still like half used cigarette butts in them and coffee cups strewn about and binders and papers everywhere. And you look around the room, there's probably like 50 of these gigantic monitors. And each one is monitoring some kind of different detail about the spaceship, right. They're keeping tabs on literally every detail every astronauts, the oxygen levels and the fuel levels, the trajectory, the communications, there are people watching every little detail going on on this mission to make sure that nothing is going awry. And if anything looks amiss, that they can problem solve it right away, because people's lives are on the line. And I had this epiphany that like oh, the amount of data and information that's being like assessed and monitored and processed. And what if scenarios run through? How are we going to prompt all this like, while they have a person dedicated to each of these stations.

 Patricia Sung  03:48

When you are a mom, you were operating all of those computers yourself. Your mission is to keep your human alive, you send them out into this world and you are monitoring everything about them. You are checking to see that they're healthy, you're checking to sleep when they're sleeping, you're checking their homework and their permission slips and their after school activities and what kind of friends they have for each kid. But you're also monitoring everything for the family. So you're monitoring things like the toilet paper level, groceries, doctor's appointments, everything about your kid and your life. You're monitoring it all. When you're the mom, you're constantly eyeing the clock, you're always monitoring the time. What time is naptime went to school let out what time is drop off? What time is the dentist's appointment?

 Patricia Sung  04:33

When did the kids need to eat next, we're always monitoring the time. And as someone with the internal clock of a sloth, this is incredibly difficult. No, I'm going to stay on track here. But if you want more information on time blindness and how it affects you and your executive functioning now that you can go listen to episode 76. For more on that topic, like dive deep, but what I want to focus on today is how much of a burden are we that we carry with that, especially when that doesn't come naturally to us. Because it's always been there. I never noticed its absence until I went away on my first solo trip in February. That was literally the first time I noticed the weight I held on my shoulders in keeping track of the time. And I was reminded of it again, this past weekend, I went over Labor Day to go visit my sister, just me and not my kids, and my husband. And my other sister and my sister in law were there. And I didn't have to watch the time. In the same way. Like there's just a freedom about it you realize you have when you don't have kids. And as I was driving home from Austin, I was just thinking like, oh my goodness, the weight that time puts on my shoulders, like the sense of panic and anxiety that it gives me that I'm always watching the clock knowing that because I'm not good at it, there's like an extra level of panic and stress to it, of trying to keep track of something that I know that I'm not good at. And then I have to work so hard to keep up with it. And even though no matter how hard I try, somehow I still end up messing it up. Like that's a really huge stressor for me, along with a sense of shame that I carry, because I don't know how much time has passed, I don't realize that it's been a long time that I've been doing something and you know, responsible humans are on time, right? That's the view of society is that when you're late, and when you're running behind, you're being irresponsible, and you don't care about the other people around you. And that's not true. I do care about those things. And it's like, I just have like this missing hole of information in order to fill in that gap. And when I was with my sisters, it was like, I didn't have to panic over like whether or not dinner was being made. It was like nobody was going to have a meltdown.

 Patricia Sung  06:47

If dinner didn't happen, like I ate and peace. When I was hungry. I didn't have to panic about like naptime and snack time, like, I just hung out with them. And when I was hungry, it's like, Hey, I shall get a snack. I wasn't monitoring somebody else's vital signs and systems to make sure that they were taken care of so that there wasn't, you know, a meltdown from being hangry going away for the weekend allowed me to stop watching the clock and let go of all that panic and shame that comes with it. Over the last few months, I've been going to therapy and I was explaining to my therapists like how with ADHD, I'm either totally centered on what I'm doing. And really like in it absorbed, like, just like, I'm just totally centered on what I'm doing. But as a mom, that's really hard. Because I'm not paying attention to what's going on around me, I don't hear someone say my name, I don't notice that my kid is doing something ridiculous. Or else I'm constantly scanning the environment, like something catches my eye all the time. There's just like a lot of input going on, because I'm constantly scanning. So there's always this like sensory overload, because I'm constantly checking out what's going on, there's always something grabbing my attention. There's always something distracting me. And all that sensory input really ups my anxiety because I'm constantly like scanning for danger. If you think like back when humans were out in the wild, you did have to be constantly scanning the environment for danger. That's a really great safety feature that we got. But now that we're not always in fight or flight mode, because I'm not worried about like a bear jumping out at me, there still is that level of stress and anxiety because I'm constantly scanning the way it's the same. If you have a lot of trauma, either in your background or in your household, you're constantly scanning looking for, like, what's the next threat that really raises your stress level. And it doesn't allow your body to calm down like that regulation is really hard when you're constantly scanning. And I was explained to her like in mom mode, I feel like I'm either failing because I'm not paying attention to what's going on around me because I'm immersed in what I'm doing. Or I'm constantly scanning and then I feel extra stress because there's always like too much input. Because it's like a mom, I'm always scanning my kids. Like you think about the guys in Mission Control. Like they're checking their computers, the whole stats, like what's going on? What how did the level change? You know, they're monitoring every details and I'm doing that for not only myself but for my kids. And at some point I start doing it for myself because I'm more focused on my kids because as we send our kids out there like our little spaceships, you know, we send them out to explore the world. Like I'm still devoting my resources to them. I'm still monitoring the time for them. I'm still checking to see if they're hungry, did you fall and get hurt? Are you sad? Are you fighting with your sibling again, and I just didn't realize how much energy is going out towards checking them let alone if I have to do something about it because like we talked about with Doctor Laura Frohen in Episode 122 about like sharing our regulation when they're struggling we have to share our calm with them because they don't know how to do it on their own. And this is like one of the really poor parts of having ADHD as a parent is that sometimes we don't have to share like we are out in our Our kids need it. And I just had never put two and two together of how much sensory overload I had from regulating everyone else, that monitoring takes a large toll on your resources like not to say that I don't love my kids, I still want them to be around, they're just a lot of work. Like when you have ADHD, your energy fluctuates more, we have a bigger difference between the the high energy days and the low energy days, or like the high energy times of day versus the low energy times of day we struggle to regulate our own emotions often are like internal clock, I air filters, the internal clock of a sloth, like it just doesn't move fast, we don't realize how long things have been. And that puts us behind schedule in terms of like getting the next naptime or the next, you know, meal making everybody grumpy because they're tired or hungry. And then it's just this like domino effect on the rest of the day.

 Patricia Sung  10:50

Everything takes us longer because we need more time to transition. And we probably didn't make a good plan. So we're still trying to plan and execute the same time and everything requires more energy. So as hard as this all is, how do I deal with that? How do we do something different about how do you take care of yourself so that you can deal with all of that stuff? That's extra hard? How do you recharge your battery, so that you can continue to care for everyone else, like we have to pause we have to unplug or I guess like replugged we have plug in charge, unplug postrace in charge and plug in our batteries to charge because the best part of being away from my family is that I get to do what I want and not for like the juvenile reasonable like I do what I want. I don't know if you've watched Jerry Springer in the 90s. Like, that's what all the kids would say I do what I want.

 Patricia Sung  11:40

Like, that's not the point. It's not just doing what I want. It's that I can turn off all those monitoring systems in my brain and not regulate everyone else's emotions, not keep up with a time for them. So not only are there less resources going out, but then I've got more resources going in because quiet time is just for me. Mealtime is just for me sleeping is just for me, taking breaks is a vital part of having ADHD as a mom, if you can't get away for a full day or two days, how can you take a break during the day? Where can you go to step away and be able to turn off your monitoring systems for everybody else, and let yourself recharge, even little breaks are helpful. I do want you to take long breaks too, because when you have to be back in four hours, like you still earn the time like there's still that little like time right knowing that you're bringing like you only a little bit time left, believe it or not, I love watching the hawk watch clock.

 Patricia Sung  12:38

But we have to do what we can to take care of us, you have to put yourself on the priority list you have to take time away even if it's these little bitty pieces to take care of you this is in order to talk about the three parts of being successful ADHD is one learn a bunch of rain to put on your oxygen mask first. And three, ask for help. Like this is the essence of part two is put on your oxygen mask first take care of you. And yes, you're going to need to ask number three, you're not extra support to be able to do that. And learning about your brain will help you know like what are the best ways for you to do that? What like where are you going to get the most bang for your buck in the resting? This is a vital part of taking care of yourself is figuring out how do you unplug even if it's for a short time so that your monitoring systems can all shut down and your nervous system can reset.

 Patricia Sung  13:27

Now I'd love for you to come on the retreat with me and this be the way that you reset next month. If it's not, I still want you to find a way to take care of you. So you know why you need a break. And here is why you should come hang out with me at the power of the pause retreat next month for ADHD moms. So the theme is the power of the pies. How do you incorporate rest into your life? How do you incorporate the pause and the little moments to like curb the impulsiveness that can get us off track or in trouble or going against what we thought we wanted to do or that what we plan but also the pausing in the bigger moments and creating those seasons of quiet and calm, which for us is a concerted effort because our brains are always going our brains don't hold the pies they don't understand the supports doesn't go naturally. We're gonna dig into how do we make this happen in real life and not just talk about it, but actually make it happen. I know you want to break from being responsible for all of the things all the time and I'm taking care of you. You don't have to worry about a thing. You just show up. You don't worry about the time the kids the emotions. I'm going to tell you exactly what's going on. I'm playing everything. All you have to do is follow along. No analysis paralysis, no decision fatigue, you get to relax and enjoy the weekend. I know that you want to know why you do that weird thing. Yes, it's probably because of ADHD. I still remember one of the first meetings that we had in dementia mastery. And one of the moms is like, you know, I thought I was like quirky and unique. And now that I'm meeting all these moms with ADHD and realized Assuming it's just made HD, the good news is when we know why we are the way we are, we can adapt our lives to the way that makes sense for us, right? So come ask your questions. I'm here. You've got me all weekend, what do you want to know? What do you want to ask? Like what's on your mind? Let's talk about it. I know that you want to meet other moms who get you. So obviously, I wanna hang out with you too. There's also going to be the time I'm recording this six other moms there who have brains that work like you. And that is such a gift. When you know that you're not alone in something. It's not your personality default or an issue in your character. There's a reason that you are the way you are, and we can work with it. I know that you want hot, delicious meals that you neither cooked nor cleaned, nor planned nor grocery shopped. I have three of Houston's best restaurants lined up for us to eat. I know that you are excited to be in a luxury hotel room in your king bed with your fluffy robe and the peace and quiet you'll have plenty of time for resting and relaxing. And also, you want to have fun. Remember when we used to be fun? Like ah, let's have fun together. I dreamed up a tasting activity such class that's like supermom friendly. And a friend of ours is like yeah, I'll totally host that for you. So we're gonna go to their place and and make that happen. So we get to hang out and have fun. And I know that you want to have a stress free, restful time that focuses on you for once. That's what the power of the pause is all about helping you find real solutions for the exhaustion so that you can truly understand how you can incorporate more rest into your life.

 Patricia Sung  16:39

So why don't you have about a week left to decide because Registration closes on September 22. The website to sign up is patriciasung.com/adhd-mom-retreat. And of course, if you just go to the website, you'll see there at the top there is a tab that says retreats. And I'll tell you one more time it's patriciasung.com/adhd-mom-retreat. And that's all lowercase letters. So whether you come take a break with me or do it on your own, but I hope that you can find a way in the next month to take a break from monitoring everyone else's emotions and monitoring the clock all the time so that you can shut down your monitoring systems and take a little time to focus on you in recovering and resting and recharging for you to be the best human not just the best mom but the best human that you can be and take care of you. I'll talk to you soon successful. For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com

Podcast EpisodePatricia Sungemotional regulation, Energy regulation, Parenting, Self care