Help! My Kid Makes Me Late Every Day! How to Get Your ADHD Child Moving in the Morning: Your Questions Answered #161
What do you do when your ADHD child is always making you late? How do you deal with an ADHD kid who takes a hundred years to get ready in the morning or at bedtime (or all the time!)?
Jaymi asks this question about what to do when her ADHD daughter is not moving in our free Facebook community.
Not only is it stressful and frustrating, it creates a domino effect of problems for the rest of the family.
And full disclosure, I was that kid! My mom called me the poky little puppy.
Today I’m sharing 4 ways to lower your stress and teach your ADHD child the skills they need to get moving.
For more support in creating ADHD-friendly morning routines that lower your stress and get you moving out the door faster, grab The Simple Morning Routine for ADHD Moms with Smart Speaker Support.
Patricia Sung 00:00
What do you do when you can't get your kid out the door, especially when they have ADHD? Jamie from our Facebook group asks this Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest or the visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families. Well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung 01:14
Hey there successful mama. It's your friend Patricia Sung. Before we jump into your question today, let's listen to our review of the week. This one's by one foot up. Thank you, Patricia for helping us feel not so alone and providing us with simple strategies for productivity and amazing guests. Thank you on fed up, I so appreciate you taking the time to put your words in here. Not only does it make my ADHD heart happy, it's good to know that you all are out there and listening. And then I'm not talking to the void. So if you would, especially if you're an apple podcast, go hit the five stars. Write me some words so that I know that you're out there listening, and know that in doing that, it is so helpful for me to get those amazing guests. So when it shows that I have a lot of people listening to the show, then I'm able to get those bigger named guests on the show. So please do share it the love. Today's question comes from my free Facebook community. Every so often I post a post in there that says Ask Patricia What do you want to know. And I will respond back to whatever you asked me in there. And sometimes it's really easy because I have a podcast episode on already. Sometimes I have a lot to say. And it's more than I can type in that little box and I want to make it into an episode. And that is one of the questions today. So if you have questions that you would like me to answer, go join the Facebook group, find the as Patricia posts and stick your question in there so that I can share not only my advice, but also the other moms can chime in and share what works for that whenever you get that many ADHD brains together, you'll find some really great solutions because the other moms think like you do, and there'll be something out of the box that actually make sense for you. So highly recommend go over to our Facebook group. You can just search help for moms with ADHD or motherhood, ADHD, it will come up or you can head to facebook.com/groups/motherhoodinadhd.
Patricia Sung 03:04
Okay, today's question comes from Jaime, here is what she wrote time blindness and curious about others experience here because I'm struggling to understand my daughter who definitely has this problem. I am a 10 minutes early or I'm actually a little late kind of person. But it doesn't come naturally. To me. I think this might be one of my masking tendencies, because it causes me so much anxiety, I check the clock and my calendar obsessively. It's bad enough that it's not unusual for me to start stressing about needing to get ready to go several hours before I actually need to.
Patricia Sung 03:33
So basically a way overestimate how much time I need instead of the other way around. It's not unusual for me to show up to doctor's appointments 45 minutes early, or have to sit outside the school with my kids in the car because we got there 15 minutes early for drop off time, I have a lot of anxiety around the possibility of missing or being late to appointments the few times I managed to convince myself to relax and stop obsessively checking the clock is always gonna end up late or forget entirely. Anyway, all that to say getting my eight year old ADHD daughter out of the house to go anywhere is torture for both of us. She cannot manage her own time, I have to follow her around to make sure she's sticking to the schedule. Even then she resists my attempts to help her. I have three other kids and I don't have the ability to focus on my time and energy on just her. I'll tell her that it's time to go find her shoes. And suddenly she remember seven other things she claimed she has to do first. And if I put my foot down and I tell her no, we have to go now get your shoes, she's either likely to have a giant meltdown or flat out ignore me and start working on her other things anyway, which leads me to finding her in another room five minutes later doing something else entirely. She's constantly making us actually late by five to 20 minutes, which I can't stand. Bedtime is just as bad. She'll drag it out for an hour or more which I can't handle either because that's my decompressed time and she steals it from me by suddenly remembering all the things she needs to do right now triggering another meltdown when I try to reinforce the schedule. I can't help but feel like some of this is a control tactic and that she's being obstinate on purpose. She does have some odd tendencies.
Patricia Sung 04:56
Oh and sidenote odd is oppositional defiance disorder. But at the same time, I've tried so many things, lists, alarms, gentle reminders, building more time into the schedule, etc. And she will not cooperate. Tell me your secrets. As a mom with ADHD dealing with an ADHD kid, I would think we should be able to understand one another, but we just can't. Okay, well, this isn't some half my life. I only laugh because it's true, I understand. I have so much to say on this. And that's why it's a podcast episode instead of just me typing on the Facebook group. So time blindness, this is a struggle for a lot of us. And we usually end up on one end of the spectrum or the other. And it sounds like you're on one end of the spectrum and your daughter's on the other. Usually, we end up in one of two camps. On one hand, people who are obsessively early like you said, overestimate how much time it'd be, it's very stressful, you hit that waiting zone where you know, just just like waiting and waiting for the thing to happen, and you can't get anything else done. Because you know, you have a thing coming up. That is very common ADHD occurrence, the other side of your daughter being like, I have to do this thing, I'm gonna do this thing, I have time to do one more thing. And I do this and that and running behind on everything.
Patricia Sung 06:02
There's also an ADHD tendency. So time blindness runs in two forms. And there may be more than just the two that we're referencing here is, you know, the people who know that they aren't good at it. So they go over the top to solve it, and the people who aren't good at it, and still aren't good. With just me. I do a lot of skill learning here. And I identify with your daughter very much. I also very much identify with you, Jamie, because it drives me nuts when we're trying to get out the door. And my kids are like, let me just do this nor but at the same time I drive my husband nuts. I'm like, let me just do this. Yeah, no.
Patricia Sung 06:33
Okay. So this is not unusual. That's the first thing I want to say. We also just talked about, I think it was last week's episode where we use stress as a coping mechanism to stay on top of things, and it's not good for us. And so I hear that too. The whole situation is very frustrating. And what I want to preface all of this with is that ADHD has flavors, ADHD has spectrums, and clearly the ways that you are coping with a time struggle or not the ways that your daughter is coping with the time struggle. And that's okay, everybody's different. I'm going to give you a bunch of ideas here. And there's going to be like you said, you've already done a bazillion things to try to work on this. So I'm going to mention several things that you may have already done. One another mom listening might not have tried those things. And two, we often forget that like we've changed, our kids have changed. It's a new school year, things that we did last year, we may have forgotten about. And we haven't been doing them this school year, maybe we tried something when they were four, and it didn't work. That doesn't mean it won't work when they're seven or eight. And sometimes we can retry things that didn't work in the past, and they may work now sometimes they still work. And that's okay. Because I don't know you all deeply. Like I don't know you, I don't know your daughter, there will be things here that won't work for you. But like that's like when I do one on one coaching with people like we either meet for at least four or six sessions, because I want to know you like I want to make sure that when we make a plan for you that it makes sense for you. So you know, just take it with a grain of salt. I don't know you some of these things may not work for you. If I give 10 suggestions here, hopefully two or three of them will be something that you can apply and work even if one of them does hate. That's a win.
Patricia Sung 08:09
Okay, so let's start with one reframing. i So identify when you're like, This is my time to rest after bedtime. And she's taking that from me like I need that time. So one is x. Two, that tells me that when you're feeling that stress, by the end of the night, that sometime during the day, I'd recommend finding a few minutes to lower your stress level earlier in the day so that by the time you're ready to scream your face off, or whatever it is how you cope with anger, just speaking from experience, that you've had a chance early day to decompress them so that it's not building up all to the end when you're like I cannot anymore with you and your excuses. So how are you taking care of yourself during the day so that you can downgrade that stress level because all day our stress is going up right like this, your chain thing happens, it goes up a little more, this irritating thing happens a lot more. So all day is going up, up up and you can kind of hold it together until some point is the breaking point, which for me is bedtime for you may also be bedtime, it may be somewhere else in the day. So how can you de stress earlier in the day so that you have another 10 or 15 or 20 minutes 30 minutes of patience for her when she's driving you bonkers after bedtime. This advice is gonna sound terrible. I'm gonna say it anyway, part of what helps me is reframing my expectations.
Patricia Sung 09:26
So when you're going into bed time, expect that it's going to take forever expect that it's going to be an hour problem, expect that it's going to be a long and drawn out because when we lower expectations of how smoothly things are going to be, then we're able to adapt better when it doesn't go well. And also like we're not as frustrated when we're still there. I understand the moment that does not feel any better totally with you. But the more that you can reframe going into it, the better you will feel even if it meets your terrible expectations. It's still met your expectations instead of coming in under it. So go in and be like hey As we're trying out all these new things over the next say, like month or two, this is still going to stink, bedtime still going to be really hard getting out of the door in the morning is still going to be really hard. And I accept that it's going to be hard for this amount of time as I'm working through it. Again, it doesn't feel great in the moment. But it does help when we just reframe our expectations going in knowing this heart, the thing that I always try to remind myself when my kids are struggling, is that saying kids do well when they can. I know it feels like she's doing some kind of control tactic. And I do think it is a control tactic, but not directed at you. It started out her trying to control her environment, which is one a normal human tendency, but to when we have ADHD, we feel very out of control, we try to control the things that we can control. And that's what she's doing trying to control the things she can control. Because there's so many things that feel out of control.
Patricia Sung 10:51
So when we say like kids do well, when they can like, clearly she cannot do well in these situations like things are not going well. Having that grace for our kids, let's look beyond our understanding. And beyond the level of patience we have that moment is literally one of the hardest parts of parenting to me is being like, Okay, I am going to take some deep breaths, and I am going to walk outside in the hallway for a moment, I need some space for just a second. And then I'm going to come back in here and we're going to try this again. And like taking care of you so that you can then give her the extra Grace knowing that she's really struggling in this situation. So those sorts of things are like taking care of you so that you have less stress in those moments or like that it's not pushing your stress level over the breaking point in those moments. And then also like reminding ourselves how much our kids are struggling when they are driving us crazy.
Patricia Sung 11:42
Okay, now when I look at like what are she actually seem to be struggling with. This is one of what I'm going to ask you in just a second. But the main thing that sticks out to me is that she's struggling with transitions. So that like moving from one task to another, moving from like getting ready to exiting the house moving from activity of the day to bedtime. Those are hard times for transitions. They're also hard times in terms of this is when she's leaving you This is when she's leaving her safe person when she's leaving the house and like going off to school and when she's going to bed and then you're going to leave her in her room. So these are the two things that stuck out to me is that she's dragging up the times that she's going to separate from you. So there may be some like separation anxiety, and she might not even know that that's what it is like. And again, I might be reading the situation, she might be fine. But that sticks out to me and to the transitions. So talking to her about the separation, you may be able to dig out like, hey, is this something that's really an issue or not? Who knows. And then when we look at the transitions, like from a practical standpoint, here is what I would do in this situation. And keep in mind, my son is seventh in second grade. So like fairly similar in age. So I feel that you're here. The first one is to create a routine for her that she follows. She doesn't have to follow it to the letter, it doesn't have to be exact, but knowing like roughly what she needs to do, and having her have some control over how the routine goes. So she doesn't get like a choice of like what time she has to get up or like that it's time to leave, right? But one of the things that she can do, can she choose to, you know, get dressed first or brush teeth first, or like what are the things like within the parameters of choices that she can choose. So bring her in and having her take ownership of that will help her be more cooperative in there. Some kids still will not be cooperative, fair enough. But that will help a lot if she's choosing what happens as much as she can within the parameters that you've given her second is having a separate timekeeper than you.
Patricia Sung 13:37
So like this is why I use Alexa in the morning to keep up with all of our routines because she keeps the time for me, but also for my kid. And that way you're not always being the bad guy, you're not the one who's always nagging. And she can also help make that so like when you choose the fun sounds that go in there, what kind of alarm noise would she like? Like those are ways that she can make that her own. And you can put one of those little echo dots in the rooms where she's getting ready. So like we have one in my son's room, we have one in like the living room area. So wherever she might be, you can have it run the same routine at the same time so that we no matter where she wanders off to, she'll still hear the routine being like, hey, now it's time to do this. Hey, now it's time to do that. And that will help her stay on track no matter what room she has wandered off to. Number three, brainstorm where she's getting stuck. Look for the patterns, write down an actual list of like, where is she getting stuck? What where she struggling? Because you find those patterns that gives you the data to say okay, here's where she needs the help. These are the things that she's struggling. And it's hard because obviously you're juggling other kids. So it might take you a few days to keep an eye out for those. But if you start with like, let me brainstorm the list, and then I'll circle back and over the next few days just keep an eye out on like, do I see anything else? So for example, she always says like, well now I really have to do this thing right now. That is an ADHD skill that she will need the future is like what do you do when those things pop? up the rug. Oh my goodness, I have to do this right now because I don't do it right now I'm gonna forget it. So I have to do it right now. But I don't really have time to do it right now. But if I don't do it now I'm gonna forget it. Like, how do you have a strategy in place for that skill.
Patricia Sung 15:09
So for example, like maybe she could have a whiteboard in her room where she writes down all those things that she has to do. And then the next day after school, she can circle back to her must do list and knock out all those things that have to get done. But that way, she won't forget them. And it also eliminates the power struggle of like, you can't do that. Now. Yes, I have to read like, then, you know, the fight ends up taking longer than her just doing the thing. But also you don't want to give in because she doesn't need to be doing the things she needs going to bed. Here. Yeah. So write down your brainstorm of all the word like patterns where she's getting stuck or struggling, one of the things that she may need, because like you mentioned, you put in buffer time, you add an extra time in the morning, she may need some time in there built in to do an activity like if she needs to, like decompress before school and do some kind of like art project or something, you can build that in Yes, you have to get up earlier and it stinks. But if she needs that 10 minutes to sit down and do some kind of like small art project to like calm her nervous system, like the same thing. Like some kids who are really hyperactive need to get outside and run for like 10 minutes before school, that may be something that she needs in the morning to build in. So whereas like normally, we're like, we're not doing any more stuff, it may be like, That's the reward of you get already for school, and then you have 10 minutes to do that fun thing. While I finish loading up the rest of the kids and get in the car, you get to sit here and work on your project.
Patricia Sung 16:25
So in addition to adding in the buffer room, can you build a new home for that activity that she may do better with? If that's an option, then once you have your whole list of patterns of where she's struggling, this is when you can start to ask yourself, How do I make these transitions easier for her? Can we use the extra reminders to keep her on track? Can we prepare things ahead of time so that she doesn't have to pack her bag like and you know, the evening routines, which you can bundle with the morning routine course. So like when you get the morning routine one it'll ask you like, do you have the evening routine course too, you can bundle that on things like an earlier bedtime, like she may just need more time for that transition. Or if that's not an option, like a lot of times with working parents, like we just don't have time after work to go to bed and eat earlier. like by the time we do homework dinnertime bath time It's time for bed, right? What you can do is rearrange the order in which things get done, and do bedtime prep earlier instead of right at the end. Because when you're at bedtime, then that's when you start getting really tired. And everybody's patience is waning. And like for me like the more tired I get, the longer everything takes.
Patricia Sung 17:33
So for us, we do our bath and as much bedtime prep as we can actually before dinner. So my kids are bathing in their pajamas by like five o'clock. And then that way we eat dinner, yes, sometimes we get spilled. But most of the time, we're fine. We've gotten past that point if you need to just change clothes. And then when we go up to bed, it's just brush teeth, potty story prayer bed, we're taking out as much as we can to make that process as short as possible so that we're not trying to move through so many transitions right before bed.
Patricia Sung 18:05
Now, some kids really need that quiet downtime, and they find bath very relaxing my kids, you put them in the bath and it's like you just sprayed them with energy, water, and then they're bouncing off the walls again. So it's much better to do our bath earlier, and calm down with, you know, sitting and reading a story instead of bathtime. So think about those places in your day where she's getting stuck on the transitions and start brainstorming what are all the ways that I can make this easier for her so that it's not you standing there over her. And there are you know a lot of things that you already mentioned that you do, which other moms may not know about yet, but like, you know, using the alarms, that's why I use Alexa so that she is the one reminding instead of me, I'm not the one nagging, having a list of tasks or having a visual schedule for them to follow. Adding in that buffer time you do all those things. So know that you're doing a great job, you are trying really hard to understand her and that's what she needs the most is having somebody who's willing to say like you are driving me bananas, and I'm also still going to help you and figure out how to make this work for both of us. Now if you get to some of your like stuck patterns, you're like I don't know how to make this easier. Go back to the Facebook, post it in there and other moms will chime in and help you brainstorm like what would make sense what works for their kids what works for their families, and we can brainstorm together.
Patricia Sung 19:18
So Mama, like I said, join the Facebook group. It's facebook.com/groups/motherhoodinadhd. And if you want help making your morning routine smoother, I got a course for that. It's the simple morning routine for ADHD moms and kids with smart speakers apart. So I tell you exactly how to add into your smart speaker. But if you're not a techy family, then you just use the part of the course that none of the videos are about making the routine only one video is about how do you enter it into the app so you can still learn how to use a morning routine, how to make one that makes sense for your family. That's ADHD friendly with the scores bonus if you want to use the tech to support you. So grab that too. It's patricia sung.com/morning-routine. You can find all this stuff on my website motherhood and ADHD. I'm here to support you, Mama. Send me your questions. Hop in the Facebook group and Let's support each other in making life a little bit easier with ADHD. I'll talk to you soon successful. For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com