How to Find Your Motivation When You Just Don’t Want to Do The Thing: Goal Setting with ADHD Part 2 #168
When you have ADHD, you often know what you should do and why you should do it. And yet, you still don’t do it. Ugh.
This week on the podcast, I’m sharing a mini-series on Goal Setting with ADHD. But I’m not talking about the usual advice about consistency and breaking it down into steps. You’ve heard all that before. We’re talking about how to make Goal Setting an ADHD-friendly process.
Today is Part 2, finding your motivation. When you just don’t want to do the thing, how can you tap into that elusive motivation?
If you haven’t already listened, go back one episode and listen to Part 1 about planning when you’re not good at planning: Episode 167: How to Make a Plan When You Stink at Planning: Goal Setting with ADHD Part 1
Stay tuned for Part 3 when we’ll discuss follow-through.
It is possible to learn how to set a goal, like planning your week, and achieve it, even with ADHD.
For the accompanying questions for this mini-series, download the worksheet here: patriciasung.com/adhd-goal-setting
Patricia Sung 0:02
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family, I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess, Mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung 1:08
Hey there successful mama, it's your friend Patricia Sung, have a little confession to make. I do not always follow my plan. Even though I am a teacher of how to use a calendar, how to plan how to be more productive, how to create routines, I don't always follow them. And at the beginning, I used to beat myself up like how can you be so hypocritical that you don't do the thing that you're teaching everyone else to do? How can you be out here saying this is a good idea when you don't do it all the time. And now I can look at that differently and be like, that was my perfectionism talking and telling me that like, I wasn't worthy of helping other people because I wasn't perfect. Like, that's nuts, I have ADHD, my goal is not to be 100% Exactly the same all the time. I don't have to be perfect. My goal is to have a plan that works for me, that makes sense for me, that helps me that helps other people. It's not about being perfect. So it has taken some time to get to that point of graciousness. And know that like the goal now is more often than not, that is my goal.
Patricia Sung 2:12
When I'm trying to do habits more often than not that I do this thing I'm trying to do. And instead of using all that energy to beat myself up on how I'm a terrible person, I now use that energy to say like, Hey, If this is not working right now, like what can I modify slightly to make it still work? Like, what do I need? What do I want in this situation? That would make sense. So that like, I'm not starting from scratch, because that's what I used to do, I'd have a plan that was working. And then as soon as it wouldn't work, I'd throw the whole thing out and start over again. And we're talking about in my coaching session the other day of like, and one of the students goes, Oh, so it's not a systems issue. It's a self talk issue. And I was like, You're so you got it. It's not a systems issue. It's a self talk issue. So once you figure out the plan that works for you, if it starts not working, you just tweak it a little bit and figure out how to make it fun and new and exciting.
Patricia Sung 3:05
Again, sometimes that's what the bigger change, sometimes it's the small change. But it's not throwing out everything you've done and starting over. It's just making a small tweak and watching yourself talk to be like, Hey, it's okay that you weren't perfect here. The system still pretty good. We do a little change, and we're going to keep on truckin. So here's what we're going to talk about today is that when you lose your motivation, and you just don't want to do that thing anymore, how do you find it? How do you get it back? Or located in the first place? How do you get your motivation to do the thing that you just don't really want to do? Whether you are a stay at home mom with littles who can't see the floor of your car, or your home, you're a homeschooling mom, and your kids are always around, you're working outside the home and you never have enough time to plan or you're an entrepreneur, Mama and you're trying to build your business and be a present parent, this is the place to be to get your ish together.
Patricia Sung 4:00
I have been teaching my ADHD friendly planning system for over two years to over 150 moms. And I've also been using it myself for the past five years. Before that I taught middle school so I was teaching 12 year olds how to plan. I have ADHD myself. So I understand how hard it is to figure out the steps that makes sense. The way that I plan now is so different than how I had planned before I had kids and so different than how I planned when I was learning about my ADHD because I didn't know what I didn't know about ADHD. And I was trying to do everything like everyone else did it. But here's the thing. This works. This week, I'm sharing a series that will help you set up your week. Well, it's all about goal setting with ADHD. And specifically the goal that we're talking about is planning your week. I want you to be able to feel less stress every day because you have a plan that you know is going to work. I'm going to be sharing several strategies this week. So if you want the notes go Download them over on my website, it's patriciasung.com/adhd-goal-setting. So patriciasung.com/adhd-goal-setting, it will also be in the show notes here in the episode, so that you can follow along and know the questions that I'm asking and jot down your thoughts, making it super easy to work through this ordeal.
Patricia Sung 5:20
Now, I'm always super straight with you. So this mini series is kicking off the start of a meetup that I'm going to be hosting coming up in December, I've been meeting with my students every week for over a year and a half. And it is so good. Being able to hear other moms who are dealing with the same issues that you are means you know that you're not alone, you're not broken, like there's nothing wrong with you, there are other people whose brains work just like yours does, or very similarly, and you know, it's not you. So starting in December, these meetups will be open to anyone, not just the students in my class. And I'm going to share all that with you very soon. And if you're ready to meet up, like, Hey, let's go, you still gotta wait to the end of the week design up. But I want you to know that this is for you. It's here, this community is waiting for you. It is $27 for the month, which is less than a coffee run each week.
Patricia Sung 6:16
So you know, I'm not telling you not to have your coffee, what I'm saying is, you're already spending a couple of dollars on something that makes you happy and is gone in a couple of minutes, or sits there cold and you forget about it. Like this meeting, hanging out with people who get you is so valuable, hands down. I know, it's sort of that couple of dollars that you're spending every week, having ADHD friendly accountability and community matters. And because I like to reward the impulsivity that usually gets us in trouble, you will also be getting a VIP bonus a very impulsive person bonus at the end of this week to try it out for just a couple of weeks. So if you're listening in real time, you can find that coupon code in your inbox, make sure you're on my email list. We're gonna talk all about it later this week.
Patricia Sung 7:06
Now I know that you could possibly be thinking Patricia, next month is December, the holidays are too hard. I am not learning anything new, like I can't possibly put anything else on my plate. It's challenge. I don't have time to plan. I don't have time to build a new habit. Like it's too much. And what I want to say to you is, first of all, this is not complicated. You can totally do it. Like if I can get fifth graders to figure out how to plan I promise I can help you do it. Second, I have ADHD. So this is super ADHD friendly. And third, when you are overwhelmed, that is the season that you need it most that busy stressful time is when you need the most support, not the least support the most support, back to school, summer chaos holidays, new kids like that is the time where you need more support, not less support. Figuring out how to plan your week has never been this easy. I'm going to show you how. And we are going to make a difference in your life, we're going to make it happen.
Patricia Sung 8:07
Welcome back to part two of goal setting ADHD style, we are learning how to plan your week, and how to achieve your goals. You can reapply this process over and over again in whatever goal that you are working towards. I absolutely loved seeing how many of you listened on the first episode here. Like it tells me that this matters. And if you missed part one, go back to that episode, because that's where I talked about setting up an ADHD friendly system, and then come back here because this will make more sense if you've listened to the last episode. All right.
Patricia Sung 8:41
Today, we're learning about like, why am I doing this? What's my motivation? Today, I'm going to show you how to solve the motivation requirements so that you can more easily follow through on things. And once you learned, like, you know, we're talking about planning, but once you know how you like learn, or how things fit you like you can keep recycling this idea to other things. It's not just about planning, it's not just about goal setting, you can use this over and over again. So keep that in mind. Like let your creative brain see like how else can you apply this in your life. You're listening either because you want to understand how to find your motivation in general, or you know that planning is good, but it's not working for you. But you want it to be just like it's not coming together here. I'm going to show you exactly how to identify your motivation. We talked about this topic and daily planning and time management mastery. Because if you don't have your motivation, like if you aren't keyed into why am I doing this, we will never do it, you will never do something that you're not motivated to do if you don't understand why you're not going to do it. That's how ADHD works. You've got to know what the point is. Otherwise, there's no point in I'm not in, I'm out. I'm out.
Patricia Sung 9:45
So what I want you to ask yourself is a specific question. I used to say ask yourself why why do you want to do this? Why do you want to do this? And keep doing it until you find the answer? I've changed it slightly to how does this benefit you? And you're going to ask yourself that question. Then how does this benefit you over and over until you dig into like, why you really want to do it? Now, as a side note, we've ignored ourselves for so long that this can be hard to dig into self trust is a process and getting to know yourself as a process. And as women with ADHD, a lot of times we have been told our whole lives like You're too sensitive, why are you talking so much? Why is this bother you, you're making a big deal out of nothing.
Patricia Sung 10:26
So we've spent a lot of time in our lives being told that our perception is wrong. And so therefore, we are not good at trusting ourselves, because we've been reinforced our whole life that we are incorrect. So just know that like, if this is too much, or too hard, like that's totally okay. And very expected. And if you need to, like pause and circle back later, that's cool, too. This is a skill that we have not developed because of the information we have been told over and over again. And I'm not trying to get on a soapbox here. Because this is like one of my like, one of the things that makes me most angry about ADHD is that we don't trust ourselves. And we don't know how to hear our own thoughts and our own like body cues, because we've spent so much time ignoring them. So know that this is a skill you will develop as you go we work on it a ton. And when I'm working one on one, like with coaching clients, like this is something that you can learn if you are like me and have ignored it the first few decades of your life. Okay, maybe not ignored it, like purposefully, like, tried to convince yourself that you were trying to perceive things as others did. Okay, no, Patricia, just stay on track here. Okay, cool. ADHD. All right. Moving along, back on track.
Patricia Sung 11:33
So we're gonna run through example, here, you're like, Well, I want to use a planner, but like, I don't really wanna use a planner, like how does this benefit you? Well, I'd be more organized. Okay. How does being organized benefit you? Well, then I would know what happens next. Okay. How does it benefit you to know what's happening next? Well, then I wouldn't be surprised when like things happen in life, like dress up the schools coming? I would I would know, like, Okay, how does it benefit you to know that dress up day is coming? Well, I would have sent my kid in the right clothes that day. Okay, how does it benefit you to send your kid in clothes that are like for the right day? Like, well, if I had known it was the right day, I wouldn't have sent him in pajamas on the wrong day. And then he wouldn't have been teased for wearing pajamas on the wrong day.
Patricia Sung 12:14
Okay, now, here's where it gets a little tricky. Because as a mom, like, we care a lot about whether our kids are having a rough day or something went wrong, or they get teased, especially when it's something that we could have prevented, right. But when when we're looking at like our motivation, someone else's feelings are not our motivation. It's our feelings in relation to their feelings. That is the motivation. So just like them being happy, or them being embarrassed or about like that, that's not a motivation. It's how do I feel about that? So that's still not the route, like, Yes, I don't want my kid to feel that way. But like, why? How does it benefit me to not have my kid feel that way? Because when they feel that way, when I made a mistake, and then they're getting teased, or they feel bad, or something didn't work out for them, because of my mistake, that's when I feel bad. I feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed. I feel like I'm a bad mom. I feel like you know, my ADHD is affecting my kids, and why can't I get it together? It's like, all those negative feelings. That is what's driving my behavior.
Patricia Sung 13:20
Now, I'm really big on sitting with feelings. But like, that's not the exercise we're doing today. So I'm going to step forward to the next thing because sitting with feelings is a whole nother topic. And not today's Patricia. Okay, stay on track. So when we look at like, why does it benefit me to have a bunch of negative feelings? No, that's not the question. We're trying to avoid having these negative feelings because they stink. So how does it benefit me to not have all of that come up? Because of the mistake I made? Or because of the error I made? How does that benefit me is when I know I'm doing a good job. And my ADHD doesn't affect my kid like that. That's when I feel like a good mom. That's when I feel confident and capable. Like I know what I'm doing. And I'm like, I know I'm trying my best and it's coming together like those good feelings are what we're going for. We're trying to avoid the negative Yes, but what's going to motivate me is the positive feelings because avoiding negative feelings.
Patricia Sung 14:20
That's where we get into our coping mechanisms, which can be good or bad. When we're trying to chase those positive feelings. That's when we really feel motivated. That's something we can latch on to and it's good for us to feel that success in what kind of motherhood we want to leave. So there are a lot of feelings rabbit holes, we can go down here and without getting lost in the weeds. What I'm looking for you to dig into is finding your reason for wanting to plan your week or whatever goal you're chasing, so that you can lean in on all that good stuff because with ADHD Yes, we are avoiding on the negative feelings, but we thrive When we're getting that positive reinforcement, so when you have your planning down what you're wanting, like, what the benefit is, is that you're building your confidence your self image, like that's one of the keys to doing well with your ADHD is building your self image backup.
Patricia Sung 15:14
Another key is having less stress, because then your brain can actually function and do its job. And, you know, use all of its creative powers and problem solving, executive functioning can be rockin and rollin. When you're less stressed, because you're not worried about what you forgot to do or what you messed up, you're overcoming your timeline, as you're turning your executive level function like logic back on, and not feeling all that overwhelm. What you want is to start your own business and have a couple of hours to work on it. Because you have a plan and you can make it happen. You want those dreams to come true. You want to wake up knowing, hey, what am I going to do today, so you're not just spinning in circles, feeling like you're a hot mess like you jump in, you're like, This is what's happening today clear steps, you get to participate in your life, instead of letting life happen.
Patricia Sung 15:59
Again, moving from that reactive place to a proactive place you want to be able to make all those doctor's appointments have been piling up for who knows how long so you can feel like a competent adult knows how to be responsible and do adulty things. Sometimes what you want is just to have like a neutral feeling. Like rather than being like the butt of the joke, you know, there goes Patricia again, clad, I'm not her husband, you want to just feel neutral. Like maybe you're not the superstar, but you're also not the one that people are making fun of, maybe you want to feel lighter, not have all that overwhelm. You want the space to be able to think and play and enjoy and do hobbies and like play with your kids and have fun because you haven't done that in so long. You want more family time, you want to get out of that vicious cycle. You know, I didn't get enough stepped on this morning because it Doom scrolled. So now I feel like I have to do extra stuff in the evenings. So instead of like hanging out with my kids are doing work, or cleaning the house, and then I feel bad that I didn't spend time with them. But also like I didn't get enough done that day.
Patricia Sung 16:54
So like maybe I should stay up extra, I'm not gonna go to sleep, I'm gonna stay up really late and get stuff done. And like you're in this vicious cycle of not feeling productive enough and beating yourself up and pushing yourself too hard. Because you're always feeling behind. And you want to turn that into quality time with your family. These are the things that are your motivation, I want to start my business, I want to feel on top of my life, I want less stress, I want to have time for fun and play in quality time, hobbies, even I want to feel neutral, those positive feelings are the motivation. So as you're asking yourself, How does this benefit you? How does this benefit you? How does this benefit you? How does this benefit you? And you boil down to what you think is the answer. This is why I really will benefit from this. This is why this is good for me. That's what you can circle back to when you don't want to do it. When you're like I don't want to sit down and plan I don't want to figure out what I'm gonna do with all this pile of sticky notes. What you lean into is, how does this benefit me, like I'm gonna have time to fill in the blank, whatever thing that really matters to you whatever feeling you want to feel, instead of the stinky ones you have now like lean into that that is what your motivation is. And if you get to the end, and you're like, you know what planning is not worth having that dream come true. That's good data to either that thing doesn't matter to you enough. And you can just let it go go free. Like I'm sure that there are plenty of 20 Somethings ADHD errs, who are single no kids, they had the luxury to say like playing doesn't matter. Just do what I want, they can let that go go free. But I'm guessing that because you're here you think you need planning in order to juggle all the different balls that you're juggling right now. So if you get to like planning is not worth starting that business, then you know what? That's not your real motivation for planning. Keep going. If having time to do that hobby isn't worth doing the planning thing, keep going keep digging in, like how does this benefit me? What do you want to feel? If it's still too surface level? That's not a true motivation for you dig in till you find? How does this benefit you, and you find something that's worthy of making that goal happen.
Patricia Sung 19:02
Now I know somebody's gonna be like, but even when I do that, then I get to the end. And I'm like, I know I said this was something I wanted to do. But now I'm like, don't tell me what to do me. What do you say I wanted to do before I hear you. That happens sometimes. A lot of times when that happens, it's because we picked something that we didn't actually want to do that motivation. We didn't dig down deep enough into the why does this benefit me to actually find that reason why? Or we got to the point where like, you know what, this really isn't that important to me, I can let it go. The bottom line, when you dig into that and you're like, don't tell me what to do me. The question I will ask you is what do you want? You don't have to do anything. Like this isn't about what you have to do. What do you want to do? What's going to light you up? What's gonna like blow your mind and be like, Wow, this is awesome. I want that. That's what we're going to dig into to find what your motivation is. That thing that lights you up You're like, yes, that is what I want. So we sat in some uncomfortable feelings today. So take a deep breath, take a little walk, you're not going to master this skill today. It is a lifelong skill. I spent weeks here coaching women, and we're still working on this. This is something that we will work on for a while to reprogram ourselves into being in touch with who we are and how we feel and what we want. It takes time. And that's okay. We're rewriting the generational traumas. And we are rewriting all those stories we've had in our head for decades to be a more powerful version of you, still you, but you who really understands what's deep in your heart and what you want.
Patricia Sung 20:43
So day one, we learned about how to learn an ADHD friendly way. Today, we learned about how do we identify our motivation? Why do we actually want to do this? Tomorrow, we're going to put it all together into how am I actually going to get this done, because I want you to know that it is possible, it is possible to love the life that you have. It's possible to make a plan and actually follow through on it when you have the tools and the strategies that you need for your ADHD brain to be successful. Now if this was been helpful to you, please share this series with another mama who feels like she can't stick with the hard stuff. We are changing the world, one family at a time. You and me together. I'll talk to you tomorrow successful mama. For more resources classes and community head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com