I Hate Vacations! How To Improve Transitions for ADHD: What To Do When The Days After Your Trip Feel Like Torture #187
After your family trip is over, do you look more like Clark Griswald than the refreshed, luminescent being you were hoping for?
The trip was wonderful while you were there, but why is it SUCH a rocky ride with grumpy kids and a tired mom for an entire week afterwards?
Transitions are difficult for ADHD, and coming back from a trip doesn’t have to be an uncomfortable emergency landing back into real life.
Today I’m sharing my proactive plan for easing back into real life after a vacation.
With a new strategy in play, you’ll be asking, “when's our next trip?”
Ready to get away?
Our annual ADHD Moms Luxury Weekend Retreat is coming up October 6-8, 2023 in Houston, Texas! Add yourself to the retreat waitlist, and I’ll let you know as soon as early bird tickets are available so you can score the best pricing and payment plans.
“Gift yourself the opportunity to meet like-minded people (literally), make instant friendships, and the space to finally be yourself.” –ADHD Mama T.H.
I’ll take care of all the details - you simply show up and enjoy.
Put it on your calendar now.
Because you deserve to take care of yourself too. Join the retreat waitlist.
Patricia Sung 00:00
Before we jump into this week's episode, let's read a review of the week. It's from racks for called I feel seen. Hi, Patricia. I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and found out as we were going through the process for my son, much like one of your episodes, I cannot tell you how amazing your podcast has been. I've been listening every day learning so much as well as realizing how I've been feeling all these years isn't just me being crazy, legit feel so seen and understood. I've been sending the ones that resonate with me the most and my husband so he can also understand me better. I've tried a few others with a kid to sciency and I'm definitely more of an emotion based person. So thank you from always speaking from the heart, Rocky. Oh, thank you, ah, is mind blowing that when we've gone through our whole lives not knowing that this is part of the reason that we are who we are, then we have that clarity to be like, Wow, this is it. It is the start of so much healing, sending big hugs to you and your son to a mama if you have not done a review or read the podcast on your app. Please go in and do that because that helps this podcast be heard by more and more mamas out there. That's what we're trying to do spread the good word. Let's jump into this week's episode. Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home or your family. I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD. Hey there, successful mama, it's your friend Patricia Sung. So spur of the moment decision, I'm turning this tribal series into a three part series because this conversation has come up twice in two of my different one on one coaching appointments in the last week. And I was like, oh, ain't talked about this. So what's been going on? We talked about in the last few episodes about the prep. So like, how do we get all the stuff planned? How do we get all the stuff packed. But you know what, on the other end, is when you're coming home, and you have to do all the unpacking, and get back into regular life, which is quite frequently a really difficult transition for snow. Obviously, if you've been around for a hot minute, you know, that I've talked before about how transitions are really hard for us, we need more time and space to transition from one like section of life to another when you leave for a trip, that is already a transition. So the whole preparation of going on a trip is a different phase of life than regular life, then you go into a different phase in the actual vacation, which depending on where you're going maybe multiple transitions into different like places or, you know, wherever you're staying, or if you're on a road trip traveling about there's a whole bunch of different transitions there, then you come home, and you're in this transition period of getting back into regular life before you're actually in regular life. And this transition on the back end feels a lot more difficult because you don't have all that excitement and the dopamine going about this exciting trip instead. It's like wow, now I have to do a lot of laundry and go back to regular life boo hiss like, No, thank you. There's way more difficulty in that transition getting back in then on the front end. So in these two different client conversations, one of the moms was talking about like logistically the difficulty of trying to get her little ones back on track back on a schedule, and how, especially when you have kids who are neurodivergent. They also are going to struggle with these transitions and they go from especially if you have somebody probably in your family working one or two working parents, you get this vacation time where they're with one or two parents all the time. They're getting all your attention. They may be with family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, where there's a lot of connectivity going on a lot of connection, a lot of love felt and then you go back to real life. There aren't all those extra people. There isn't all that extra fun. You or your partner may be going back to work or both of you and now there's like a withdrawal period of missing out on all that family time could be for you could be for them or could be for both of you. So logistically, that's a hard time getting bedtimes back on a schedule, trying to catch up with laundry and all the stuff that goes back into coming back home from a vacation. And with another client we were talking about, well, she's explaining this and immediately was like, Oh, my goodness, I know exactly this feeling like I can picture this was like my whole childhood of when you wrap up a really fun vacation or visiting family. And that point where you're leaving, I used to be so sad. And I'm still sad, but not quite to the degree as I was like, as a kid, of like, that goodbye period of leaving these people that you care about. And that goodbye was so hard for me. I was so sad. And I never understood how everyone else just seemed fine with the leaving. And for me, it was like devastating. I hated saying goodbye after vacation, or after some like family would come visit us, which was rare. But that saying goodbye is like, oh, it's still really hard. And my client explained it. Like she felt like everybody else was moving forward. And she wasn't ready yet. Like she was still dragging behind. And almost like I'm not even sure if I want to move forward yet. Like I kind of want to just stay here in vacation mode. This was fun. I loved it. And I'm not even ready to move forward. But yet everyone else is already blasting onward. And so I'm left in the dust. And I'm not even sure I want to go forward this like uncomfortable feeling of feeling left behind but also not really sure you want to go forward. And this conversation was really healing both for her and for me in being able to walk through that transition point. So first on talk about logistics. Um, like I think I might have talked about this before. I've definitely talked about it in the successful mama meetups and like with my students before, but like, oh, did I ever talk about this in the podcast, I
Patricia Sung 06:53
kind of like I feel like I must have I mean, this is one of like, the like key things in life here is reentry day, whenever we go on a trip or we have a big transition, I plan for reentry day. Like a side note. I also use a reentry day for like the end of the school year going into summer, I use reentry days, like going back into the school year. Reentry days are like a designated day of transition. I need this I think my kids needed to but mostly I need this. What this looks like is in my schedule, I am designating time to transition. So if we go on a week vacation, I make sure that the next day that we are back, I don't have anything else on my calendar that day is specifically for transitioning. Now within like the realm of your possibility. It could be like Dude, I don't have an extra day I have to go to work, I get it. But like that evening, I'm not doing anything else. No extra things are happening. That day is set for transitions. This means that I can flop around on the couch if need be like we can just have a movie night. If people are dysregulated. It can mean that I have a day to like do laundry and actually unpack the suitcases and hopefully get most of that stuff away. I'm never like one day on Packer by any means, but like a good portion of that stuff gets washed, put away back where it needs to go. Now I even plan for that on the front end of like, I'm not taking an extra day of vacation, necessarily but like for this year for spring break. We came back on Saturday so that I knew we would have Sunday to transition and then be back to normal on Monday. All Patricia would have absolutely died. Like how could you possibly choose down another that you would turn down a day of vacation in order to do laundry like you've obviously lost your mind in your middle age Patricia. That is what 20 year old Patricia would say. I like to think 20 year old Patricia Manuel, but for you, oh Patricia is older and wiser, and knows that that really matters and that transition time is needed. I am so much happier to have that day set aside to adjust. Not because I love doing laundry because actually it's like my least favorite chore ever. I'd rather scrub toilets and do laundry to be honest with you. But having that day to reassemble my life and get back to normal for the next day that I consider actual real life is a game changer. Because it's not just about doing laundry. It's about allowing us enough time to sleep, allowing us to go to bed back on our schedule to like have the time and space to get back to real life that started on Monday. I had all of Sunday dedicated to the transition, for example, like school is, you know, wrapping up for us soon here on the northern hemisphere. So for us school ends like right before Memorial Day, so that weekend like that last week after Memorial Day for us, which is the last week of May. So the kids finish like I don't know, it's like I do not have a calendar in front of me. But let's say it's like the 25th of May. Then there's more of a weekend and that whole next week. We don't have anything on the calendar. I have a very minimal work schedule. There's no camps, there's no activities, there's no nothing. This is our day to adjust to being at summer schedule, the kids can wake up whenever their body is happy to, we will be a little bit looser on bedtime. But still, I mean, like, I'm still pretty, like, on top of the bedtime, I'm not gonna lie to you, I have flexibility. But within a window, which is I mean, how I teach you in lifetime ninja mastery is like we have a window of tolerance. And when we are outside the window tolerance, hot mess, we have plenty of flexibility in the window. That's part of what I teach is like, know where your window is, what's your capacity, how much wiggle room do you have, and then we're not going to go outside that wiggle room because that means that you're dysregulated and unhappy. So what's within your capacity. So that week, it's like, if we wake up one day, and everybody's like, man, we really want to go do an activity cool. But I'm not planning a bunch of stuff going on that week. That is a chill week. Now the week after that my kids are going to camp at the local Arboretum, which I adore. But that whole week is just a transition into summer, it's for rest, it's for relaxation. It's for like recuperating, from like the kazoo that is made between with the field trips, and all the end of school shows and the end of your parties and the swim party and the friend party and this in the mat, like it's a lot that month. I need to recover from that. And they do to like, let's ease in. And then like on the flip side, when we go into school starting back up again, I have a full week before schools starting blocked out, that's where we readjust our schedule to getting back to ridiculously early bedtime because my like, we have to walk out the door at 7am to get to school on time. So we got to go to bed a lot earlier than your average Joe because that is really early. not a morning person. Okay. And I know that my kids don't do well on not enough sleep like they take after their mother. And they're angry hangry people, and they are also grumpy people when they don't get enough sleep. So that whole week is like let's bump the bedtime up 15 minutes a night. Let's get used to getting up earlier. Let's have the whole week to make sure we have school shoes and backpacks and like whatever needs to be prepped, whatever errands need to be run like that week is dedicated to resting because rest is preparing us for the work that is to come the week after like the end of school year that last week of May. For me. That's a recovery week that is recovering from the craziness that happened. But I want my kids going into school being rested. So they're prepared for the work that they are about to do. rest and recovery are two different things. Rest can be recovery, but recovery is not rest. So what does this mean for you is in these times where you're transitioning back from a trip? How much time do you think your family needs you included? To get back to normal? Some of them it's just a mindset issue, like just just a mansard issue, Patricia, like some of it is just knowing like, I know, my kids are going to be really grouchy. They're sad that they're not with their cousins anymore, or they're sad, because you know, now mom or dad or whatever parent is now at work again, they're sad, because they don't get to just like, you know, eat bowls of cereal whenever they want and eat whatever snacks and like there's not a free for all, like whatever it is that they're missing from that they really loved about vacation is not there anymore. And that is like a bit of a mourning period and grief like well, how much time do we need, knowing that everyone's going to be a little bit grumpier how I need to have a little extra patience. And also, I probably have less patience, because I'm tired. And I'm trying to get my house back together. And I see this big giant mess. These are the things when we go in and no, this is what this is going to look like how much better we can be prepared for those transitions, because we know going in what we're working with. And if we can give ourselves 24 hours to re acclimate to real life. It's such a gift when we can obviously it's not always available to you. But when you can, it's a really beautiful gift to give yourself and if you can't, knowing Okay, well, what can I do? Does that mean we don't have any afterschool activities that day? Does it mean that I ordered groceries instead of going to the grocery store? So that way I can not have to like do that hour long errand? What is the thing that you can do to serve you, and to be prepared knowing that this transition is going to be more difficult? Because here's the thing, just because these things are difficult, doesn't mean we don't want to do them. Just because it's hard to get back to real life doesn't mean that we don't want to go on a trip at all, just because it's a lot of work to plan and pack and all that stuff doesn't mean we don't want to do the thing at all. Like we still want to do the fun thing. How do we do it in a way that's ADHD friendly? How do we set it up in a way that makes sense for you? How do we take care of you in that process so that you can still do all the fun things you want to do? And get them done in a way that makes sense for you so that you're not burnt out by the end of the process that you aren't heating life? 24 hours before you leave on your trip, or 24 hours after you get back? We can do just about anything with ADHD. We just Do it in a way that makes sense for us, not the way that everyone else tells us. And a lot of people will look at my reentry day and be like, that's silly town. Like, why would you give up a day of vacation when you could be? I don't know where you're gonna go Maui like you could do another day in Maui. And I'm like, No, I would rather not do another day in Maui, I would rather have that transition come through, because then I really enjoyed my trip. And I'm not cursing the ground, you walk on the day we get home because it also gives buffers for like delayed flights, or you know, car trouble or whatever it is that pushes you behind schedule, and then you don't get home when you thought you're going to let reentry day allows the buffer for you to deal with those unexpected things. Because one of the things we don't really consider that much is that when you have ADHD, a lot of times you don't look forward in time, like we don't worry about what's not now because it's not now I'm only looking at what's now this is where we struggle with planning, because it's not now this.
Patricia Sung 15:56
I mean, what do you mean, you want me to like worry about what's happening next week, like, I'm not even sure what I'm eating for dinner like, that is a way off in the future, when we can pause for two minutes and write down all the things that we're worried about popping up or like obstacles we think that are going to happen, we can proactively plan for those. We can say okay, like I know, while I'm gone, we're just going to be building up all this laundry, and then I'm going to have a whole bunch of laundry when I get back. So if we know that that's the situation, then we can think ahead and be like, Okay, well, what do I want to do about that? Do we want to go to the laundromat while we're on vacation? Do I want to plan for an extra load of laundry, the week that I get back, like every day, I just do an extra load? Like when we go in having a plan and proactively planning for like, what's going to happen? It's not so overwhelming, we get overwhelmed when we look around and go like Oh, holy moly, what am I going to do with this giant mountain of clothing. And then it's overwhelming in the moment because you don't know what to do about it. Whereas if we go in like, Hey, I'm going on this work trip, my family is all here, I'm gonna make sure that I teach my 11 year old how to do laundry so that they can do these two loads while I'm gone. And then it won't be so overwhelming when I get back. Like, they can handle all the stuff that just goes like washer dryer, hang up or fold. Like that's not that there's like too much. I'm not asking them to like, do a delicate load here. Like can I put somebody in charge of like the basics while I'm gone. So they don't come back to a big giant disaster. Because learning those life skills are really important for our kids, like when they go off to college or get their own apartment one day like they need to do laundry. So you can teach them. I mean, honestly, even like even eight year olds can do basic laundry, they can learn that and they can help so that when you show up, it's not an overwhelming burden, you can show your seven year old how to load the dishwasher. Like is it possible that you're gonna end up with a few melted Tupperware lids? Sure, but that's part of the learning process. As moms, we have to take the time to teach our kids these skills and be okay with the screw ups and the mess ups along the way for them to learn these skills. So when they get older, they can do it on their own. But also like they can chip in now, they can all have jobs to make your life easier, because they are part of the family just like you are and making contribute. You're just gonna total right up. So Buxar. Like, I want you to know that you don't have to be the only one who does stuff. And you can teach other people in your family how to do it in a way that is honoring to them in learning a life skill. And I'm not saying that like every 15 year old is gonna be like, Oh, Mom, I'm so glad you taught me how to do laundry. No, it's not gonna happen. But everyone in the family can contribute. When you set that expectation. Everybody is helping everyone is contributing, kids actually take a lot of pride in having things that are their responsibility that they are in control of or responsible for. It's on how you sell it, and how you train them how you teach them just like, you know, on the job training. How do you do this? What does this look like? What does a successful load of laundry do look like? Like? What do you mean by that and setting the expectation and making sure like they have the capacity in their day to do it. They know like when they should be starting the laundry when they should circle back to stick it in the dryer, when they should circle back to put it in the basket. Like even your two year old can match socks with you. All of this prep, and cleanup for family trips does not belong on your plate. Oh, wait, let me get back on track here. That is the logistical side of the aftermath of a trip. But what about on the hard side of feeling like you're not ready to be done with it or feeling really sad about goodbyes or just that struggle to move your heart forward. When you're not sure. Like do I even want to like I just want to like be here in this happiness a little while longer. So to walk you through what I did with one of my clients so that you can also think through like in that transition, like what do you need? So one of the first questions I ask is like, why is it hard to move forward? Do you want to move forward? Why don't you want to move forward like What's so good read about this, that you don't want to move forward. Like, why would you not want to move forward? There's always a positive intention under all of our feelings. So why do you want to stay where you are, and not move forward? For me as a kid I can think of like, I loved having those important people around in my life, I loved going to visit my family, we lived probably like eight to 10 hours a car ride away from most of our families, like we pretty much only went at Christmas time and like sometimes in the summer, and it's like, I loved being around my family, and having that connectedness and playing with all my cousins that a lot of them were close in age and like that was so life giving and so fun. Of course, I didn't want to go back to being away from them. Like that makes sense. So why is it that you feel like you want to stay there, and like just having a little moment of like honoring that part of you, that's not ready to transition. That's okay. You don't have to hurry along. And when you're ready, what does that transition look like for you? Is there a way to save those memories so that you can refer back to them anytime you want. So we talked about this a little bit the other day on the sleep episode of thinking about your thoughts, like what's going on when you're trying to sleep and you can't or like when you're really anxious what's going on in your thoughts that you know, you're feeling anxious or feeling like you can't sleep, and how you can start modifying your thoughts to be more conducive to calming down or to going to sleep is the same thing here of when you think about those good memories, that you can pull that memory up anytime you want. You don't have to say goodbye to it, like you're not letting go of it forever, which a lot of times with ADHD like, it feels that way. Because when things aren't right in front of us, we don't remember them as well, like they're we're not as aware of them as well, I guess would be a better way to put it. Like there's always like these jokes about object permanence, which is, you know, not exactly scientifically correct. Like, we just don't think about the things that we're not seeing in the moment. So it can feel like these memories are, or these people are far away, because we're not thinking about them. But let's take a moment and like save the memory, so that you can pull it up any time. So when you think about this really great vacation that you were just on, or this really wonderful trip with your family that you were just on or, you know, going to spend time with an important person in your life. When you think about those memories. What do they look like? Are they a movie like little movie clips? Or is it like a steel slideshow where you see, you know, photos going on? Is it that you hear the conversations that were had or the laughter that was going on? Do you notice any like smells Sight Sound like think of all your senses? Like what do you notice about those memories? So when you think back to that special trip, notice how the memory like for me, they're little movie clips, like two, three second, maybe five second tops, these little clips? Do you see them in color? Are they in black and white and sepia tone? Are they clear or more fuzzy? Do you hear the noise that goes along with them? Like is there like a soundtrack and it could be like the people talking, it could be music, it could be that you feel certain feelings in your body, you may not have any visual component at all, it might just be the way that you feel about it. So how do you feel about it? Do you notice your heart beating? Or your breathing? Do you notice like a warm fuzzy feeling in your stomach? What do you notice about how you're feeling in those memories. And as you gather all of these adjectives on how your memories feel, or sound, or smell or what have you,
Patricia Sung 23:33
I want you to just like take a little note and save all those characteristics. For me. They're short movie clips, they're in color, they're a little bit fuzzy. I can hear the things that were going on. But they're not super clear. Like it's kind of echoey like when you watch in a movie in the show like oh, the scenes from that person's childhood. It's kind of like these little flashes that are out of focus and like, you hear like laughter but it's like sounds far away, like ah, like in the background, like that's my memory of appreciating that moment. Maybe you feel your kid's hand in yours. Maybe you feel the sun on your face. Maybe you notice that look in their eye when they look at you. And as you took all these little memories away, you can go through like now that you know like what their characteristics are. You can go through and see a whole movie clip montage or a whole slideshow, or a whole soundtrack of what that memory means to you. And like literally, we should imagine like hitting Save and like putting it in your hard drive so that you can pull it up later. And just take the next two minutes and see all those memories in their place. Because you can go back to those memories at any time. It's not the end of that feeling. It's not the end of that moment. You can go back and pull those out anytime that you're like having a rough day and think like man, remember that a camping trip we did, and replay the movie or replay the slideshow or replay the soundtrack, and be able to, like, drop right into those good feelings. And remember that wonderful time that you had, you can go back and pull it up 20 years from now. And once you know that that time isn't lost, perhaps it's a little bit easier to move into the next step of the transition. Because you know, that's always there for you. And it's not just the sad feeling of I miss my family, and I wish they were here closer to us, I have that twinge. But I also can say, I can play that little movie clip there reminds me of how special that time was and how loved I felt. And like the memories that I'm making with my kids, that hopefully, they'll be able to think back on those really great times that we had. So that it is worth putting all the effort into planning and preparing for, and then cleaning up after on these trips. And the flip side works where like if, say you're going on a work trip, you can tuck these little memories away so that when you're away from your family, you can relive those good times when it's hard to be away from your kids. Or when you have to go visit family to deal with a big mess that needs to be cleaned up. You can think of those good memories of being in touch with why this matters. Even though it's hard. Why this matches your value system, even though it's hard. And it makes all of those trips and the transitions worth it. When you can focus in on really what mattered to you. Even if it was like a grids walled or the vacation to notice those few moments that really weren't good. So that it feels like there was some redeeming quality to that disaster. You can hang on to those moments, those connections with your kids or your partner to know that this work, this effort is worth it. And I'd be remiss if I didn't remind you, our luxury mom retreat is going on in October, the waitlist is open for you to sign up. Because the early bird tickets will be available in May. And I want you to be there I want you to know that that prep and packing in the Getting ready for being away from your family for a weekend is worth it that you have a plan to reentry so that you're not walking back into a disaster area in your house with crazy mountains of laundry that you can be prepared and proactively plan for this time away that you can take the memories of your kids into your heart and know that you can recall those while you're gone. Even though it's hard to be away from your family, that you still have them with you in your heart and in your memories that it's worth stepping away to take care of yourself for a weekend because you deserve to be taken care of as well. That's why I started this weekend, you show up and I take care of everything you literally only the Oh leading up to the only thing you have to do is show up you got to get here. Whatever effort that takes to get here. That's the part that's on you. I'm not gonna pretend like it's not work as a mom to prep and plan and get here. And once you're here, I take care of everything. I have dinners planned. I have breakfast plan, I have lunches planned, you don't have to cook any of them, you have to clean them up. I have the conference portion plan, we're going to learn about your brain and learn concrete skills that you then can turn around and pass on to your family on how to be emotionally regulated, how to work with your ADHD brain so that you can set your family up for success by spending this time taking care of you. I have fun activities planned, I got a community of moms who are going to wrap you up and be like, what How did I not know this existed my whole life. Here are my people. I finally met them. And it feels like I feel like I can be myself here. And that was one of the most like beautiful compliments is that so many moms felt like I can just be myself here. It is worth whatever it's going into it for you to take care of yourself this weekend. So head over to my website https://www.patriciasung.com/retreat-waitlist, put yourself on the list and you'll be the first to know when earlybird tickets go on sale this month, so that you can get the best deal possible and take a moment to take care of you because you are part of the family and you deserve to be taken care of as well. Again, that's https://www.patriciasung.com/retreat-waitlist, and I'll talk to you soon successful for more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhood in adhd.com