Finding Faith + Knowing Your Worth: My Perspective on Being a Christian with ADHD #191
Avoid religion and politics!
While that’s usually great advice, today I’m not following it.
Many mamas have asked me to do this episode for at least a year and I didn’t feel qualified. So I did what any good ADHD-er does, and procrastinated on this episode, ha! Until my conversation with Laura Matteson on Episode 183...I knew it was time.
My faith is a big part of who I am, why I started this podcast, and how I make my choices.
So I’m sharing my story: my childhood and my past, my self-loathing and self-doubt, and how I became a Christian. My spiritual beliefs shape who I am, how I live, what I share, and the decisions I make. I also discuss how I believe that ADHD and Christianity can exist together.
This is not an episode where I quote a bunch of scripture and tell you what you should believe. I didn’t create a community of ADHD Moms so that I could help only the people who look and sound like me or believe the exact same thing that I do. Ew.
Our ADHD Mom community exists to support all types of moms with ADHD, and I will fiercely protect this safe space. Anyone who chooses to be divisive or disrespectful can see their way out until they are ready to see the people as people.
My hope is that you feel comfortable asking questions respectfully, and curious enough to listen to a perspective that is likely different from your own, both for the mamas who are and are not Christian.
Here’s another layer of me,
Patricia
Links mentioned in this episode:
David Bedrick’s course on Un-Shaming: https://santafeinstitute.davidbedrick.com/
Craving people who understand how you work instead of judging you???
Come to our weekly meetup: Successful Mama Meetups!
Join here: https://www.patriciasung.com/meetup
Patricia Sung 00:02
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family, I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess, Mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD. Hey there successful mama, it's your friend Patricia Sung. Today's episode has been a long time coming. It's one that's been on my heart for a while. And I was really scared to share this part of me because I know how many people in the ADHD community have been hurt by some kind of religion issue. They are vast and wide. And I am very aware of their existence. I've also been there. So we take this topic really seriously. So we just kept kicking the can down the road because I was like, I don't know what to say about this. So I just, I just ignored it. And recently, I have been praying a lot about what are the right words to convey my beliefs and my opinions and support those of you who are struggling with this and also not push away anyone who doesn't agree with me, it's like this double edged sword of I always want to be truly who I am with you, I don't ever want to hide any part of me, because that's not how I build relationships. Like if you're gonna be my friend, you're gonna get all of me. Sometimes that might be a little much, but you're gonna get all of me. And at the same time, I know how much hurt there is due to religious trauma and how do I be sensitive to that, and still be true to me. My faith is a really big part of who I am. I'm extremely active in my church. I lead a small group, like we call them how shepherds in I volunteer in the kids ministry in the past with the church we were before this, like I was the children's director for a while I was the office manager, the HR person the bookkeeper the treasurer, the person like the the the the money, keep her the money to keep her tracker River. Is that a word? What is the job? God? The bookkeeper the accountant?
Patricia Sung 02:59
I don't know. I've started leading worship when I was 16. And it is such a huge part of my story. How do I not share that with you? So my goal in this episode is not to convert anybody, it is not to convince you about God or Jesus. My goal today is to share how my faith is part of my everyday life. And I hope that for those of you who don't believe in God, or Jesus that it gives some color on why someone like me would believe and sparks your curiosity on how I you know, I've been told like you how could somebody as smart as you believe in something that you don't have proof up? And I'm like, Oh, good question. It's interesting, isn't it? I want you to have like a an example of someone who is a Christian and is not the Christians that you can't stand. And that you can understand where I'm coming from and get a peek into why I believe what I believe in the hopes that you are willing to listen and hear the perspective that's different than yours. And I hope for the people who do believe that you would find comfort in knowing that it is possible to be a strong Christian and have ADHD and that the two are not mutually exclusive. And that for everyone that when I shine my light, it's not just my light, I am shining God's light. And I hope that it makes a difference to somebody somewhere. And that my words today, they're like the background. It's not about what Patricia has to say it's about explain to you how God has showed up for me over and over again. And all I can do is share with you my story. I'm not going to have all the right answers. I'm not going to have like a whole bunch of Bible verses to support. Like I'm not reading like a persuasive essay and like here's my three reasons A B and C like this is just me sharing my heart and I'm sure I'll get a lot of flack from some folks. But all I can do is share what I know is true what I've seen in my life. And, yeah, let's jump in. To give you a little background, I grew up Catholic, and we went to church every Sunday, there was like no good reason to skip mass unless you were like, contagious, or like bleeding out like we went every Sunday. And while I really appreciate the commitment and consistency of my parents, it never felt totally right. For me, it felt like I'm 30 so many people that were more about like checking the boxes, then having a really like true relationship with Jesus. Like, it just felt like there wasn't a lot of depth with most people. And I'm not saying that's an all statement by any means. I have several Catholic friends who are like very, very deep relationship with God. But that wasn't illustrated to me as much as a kid. Like I can say my godmother is one who's like a, such a stable force of what a deep and abiding love for God looks like that I am so thankful that I had her in my life to show me that and she's still like that to this day. But it just felt like a lot of putting on a good face and checking the box. And I came to accept Jesus when I was probably like a freshman in high school, at a youth retreat, and I was so on fire for God. And I like couldn't wait to tell everybody. And very shortly after, there was some staffing changes at our church, and like, this new priest came in and like, really wanted to like do cool teenager things, and they cancelled our youth retreat. And it really pushed me away from my relationship with God. And I like can look back now and understand, like, why 14 year old Patricia was just crushed. Because I didn't understand how all the grown ups thought one thing was a good idea when something like the thing that had been so transformative to me was just cast aside for this, like, cool new program. And I've learned a lot in you know, over the last year between being in therapy, and I took a really great class with David Bedrick, about unchaining. And understanding how one of the hardest parts about trauma is when you have bystanders or witnesses that don't tell you that that was hard. And instead, they either brush it off or be like, it's not a big deal, or like, even worse is like, oh, that never happened. Like having that outside party pretend like everything's fine is one of the worst parts of trauma because it makes you doubt what you felt or you saw or what happened to you. And I can see now looking back 41 year old Patricia can say like, oh, well, 14 year old Patricia was struggling because it felt like all the grownups didn't stand up. For her. They didn't say like this matters, we don't have to scrap everything that we had in order to put something new in place. And so now I can see looking back, like why that was such a hard blow for me. And I think this is where religion is really hard, because people are in charge. And as beautiful and perfect as God is people are a hot mess, and they screw up everything. So like anytime you have organized religion, you have people in charge, and then they start messing things up. And it's taken me a long time to get to this place where I can separate what God does and what people are doing. And it's really difficult. I won't lie. But I think that's part of why I can be so strong in my faith is understanding the difference between who God is and how people make hot mess out of that. Because we live in a messed up world where bad things happen. I'm like, ooh, Patricia should even go down this like theologically Why believe this? Probably not today. Otherwise, this episode will be literally 100 years long. But I know that people mess things up. And I can separate the things that God does from the things that people do much better now. So after this whole youth group debacle, I really was heartbroken. And while I was very involved on the surface, like I was still you know, leading worship and very involved like my heart was not connected. I can say like, retroactively like I wish I had been stronger in my face. But like I was like a brand new like Baby Christian and I got my heart trampled and then didn't have the support to pick that back up again and like help me reform my faith so I really did not have a great relationship with God for probably seven eight maybe even 10 years. So yeah, all through high school. I was on the surface involved but not truly like connected and then in college I was like nope, mountain I did not go anywhere near church the whole time. Maybe Is there an LSU back, I think I went to the Student Center, chemic, Christian Center, whatever, like one time. And it wasn't until I started dating Dominique, that he was like he, like, if we're gonna date you have to go to church with me. And I was like, Okay, fine, I'll go because I didn't really care about him. And he brought me to his church, and I just fell in love with this community. It was the most diverse group of people that I've ever seen in a church, like usually going to church, and it's just one big homogenous group of people. And to me, that's not what heaven looks like, like you go to heaven, and it's gonna be every tribe and tongue, like the Bible says, And this church was that it was a small church, like maybe 130 people, but we had like, 30 different nations represented and so many different people. And everybody looked different. And yet, somehow everybody got along well, most of the time, and it was a really beautiful community to solidify my faith. They were just such a loving group, like literally like a walk in the door, and everybody was hugging me and like, I'm from the north. And that was a lot like, whoa, what's with all these huggers? That have gotten Texas
Patricia Sung 11:10
let me just forewarn you, if you ever come to the retreat slot hanging going on, just let me know, if you're not a hugger, I want Heike of it, you know, FYI, they hug a lot here. And we had really great leaders for our young adults, you know, people who are in their early 20s. into their ease, we had some really wonderful older couples who led the group. And that was taken over by another really wonderful older couple, we had really great people pouring into our lives. And that's where I came to accept Jesus for the second time through Gus, shout out to Gus. Gus shared his testimony in church one day, and I think I that was the most consecutive words I've ever had, like heard out of gustas mouth my whole life. He was the man of few words, and he shared his testimony. And it was like, you know, if you also want to accept Jesus in your heart, like you, here's what you do. And he he, you know, was sharing about the prayer. And I was just like, oh, like, I knew it was time after like, this is like several years of being there and getting poured into by really wonderful people, like, I do believe that I can have a personal relationship with God that He sent His Son to die for our sins, and so that we can be in heaven forever, and that it was truly possible to be so loved just like I was. And I shared my testimony that day, which I totally test God all the time when I'm like, I don't think this is right. Or like, I don't want to do that. If you do this, then I'll do it. I do a lot of that. And he always comes through and it always makes me mad. But like example of like, the day that I shared my testimony, I was like, I'm not going up there unless I can tell this Bible verse because it matters in the story. And I had no idea where it was in the Bible. I was like, if you can find me this Bible verse, I'll go up there and share my testimony. I kid you not it was like, bam, Matthew 625, like, a flip to the page. And I kid you not. There's the Bible verse. I'm like, you've got to be kidding me. I'm not going up. But I did, I held up my end of the bargain. And it was a really scary moment, because I think it was one of the maybe the first time I'd ever vulnerably shared about the person who had raped me in college and like, the depression and the anxiety that came along after that occurrence and how that time in my life really affected me. And it was like that first moment of real vulnerability in front of people that were important to me. It was such a healing thing to just know like, I am loved just as I am even with all these scars and this you know, what fell very late tainted and dirty part of my past that like, I wish I could erase, I am still up just as I am. And I think that's like what I want. Every mom who listens to this to know is like you are loved just as you are you don't you're not loved when you fix that thing, or when you stop doing that bad choice. Or, you know, if you just fix these flaws first, then you're good enough to be loved. Like no, God loves you, just as you are right now, no matter what is going on in your life, whatever you're dealing with, like he will show up with you in the mess in the muck and figure it out with you and stand by you and give you support and bring you strength that you can lean on him through all of that that is being love just like you are you don't have to like be a better version of yourself to be accepted. And I A like I can just see all the ways he showed up in my life in like the silly ways of like these little challenges that I do. Like, one time we have like a someone in church who was like going on a mission trip and they were asking for donations and I'm like, at the time I'm a teacher, I don't have a lot of disposable income. And I felt like I put on my heart like I'm asking you to give them a $75 and at the time, like $75 was my entire like fun budget for the month. There was a lot of money for me at that point. And I was Like I can't, like I can't do that like that's like not only is that my fun money that's like my buffer money if something goes wrong link in eath app, and he asked me to give it to this person at church for their mission trip and I was like, gotta be kidding me. But I did they don't need to send you dollars I'm like I'm still like mad about it, you know, a couple of days later, maybe not mad about it, but like annoyed about it. And there in the mail arrives a check for $75.00 Two cents from my dentist that I had overpaid. And it like blew me away. Like you send me the $75 I'm like two cents was just kind of like, it felt like kind of like a joke. Like, I'm sending you my two cents. You know, like, I've got you covered. I told you to donate this money. And I got you covered and like to know that I can step out in faith. And he always has been covered. He always has my back not to say like this episode isn't hard. It's scary to share vulnerably about who you are. But I know that's what he asked me to do is not to like come on here and like preach a sermon of like, here's why you should go follow Jesus. It's not about that. It's like showing you my heart and where I've been, and how I can see God show up over and over and over again, and know how much he loves me just like I am like, he made me this way. I know that there are so many religions out there who tell you that like having any kind of like, anything wrong with you is like, you know, you hear everything from like, Oh, you've you've sinned in your ERA past life, or you have some kind of hidden sin that you just aren't recognizing, or like, there's something wrong with you if you have any kind of problem. And I'm like, this doesn't come from God. Like he's not someone who goes around and tells you how much you suck and like, what's wrong with you, that's not who he is. He comes to you and says, like, I love you, no matter what I am here to take care of you like he is he's still gonna, like call you out when you're making dumb choices. Yeah, but like, he's not telling you that there's something wrong with you that you're like a messed up human, like he made me this way. He made me to be this creative and to be able to problem solve, like, my ADHD allows me to, like, be the best teacher, like I could relate to all my students in middle school, and help them learn in different ways, especially the ones who have learning disabilities, like, because of who I am, he made me this way where I'm willing to be vulnerable in these scary places, so that I can help support moms who are then going to take care of their families and like help their kids be more successful and happier and like love who they are and be okay with the brain they have. But I can do that because of who I am. Because of the way he made me. And it's never like there's something wrong with you, you need to fix because you think in a different way, because you have a different perspective, because you think in a different method. He made me this way. And I look back at the last few years of like, how much I've grown and how much I've healed like through therapy and learning my new coaching certification and how to emotionally regulate and doing marriage counseling, and like all these ways that I've been working on myself, because I want to be the best person that I can be like, it's never been about fixing myself. It's about how do I be the best version of Patricia? Like, I'm at no point is therapy going to give me a sense of time. I don't have it, like how do I still live well and happy and be happy and like be able to like live my life knowing that that's not my strong suit. Because we all can't be good at all the things, we just be a whole big community robots doing the exact same thing all the time. Like that's not the way God created people, He created us to all be different, to look different, to speak differently, to think differently. But I think that's like the root of a lot of the questions that people ask me of like, can you speak to being a Christian and having ADHD because people are getting these messages that something's wrong with you, and you need to fix yourself? I'm like, No, I don't, I don't need to fix myself. But what I do need to be as the best version of me to take the best care of my kids, I want to be able to teach them how to emotionally regulate themselves. I want to be able to teach them how to be strong in their opinions and in their self belief and their self trust. Because I look back and like younger me like I didn't have that I didn't have a sense of trusting myself and I spoke awfully to myself. And like that's not God's voice to me that Satan's voice telling me how much I suck because I think one of the best ways that Satan can get to us is taking something that's really good and manipulating just a little bit so that it sounds good, but it's actually not so things like self loathing and self criticism. It's like we can say like, oh, well, you know, I'm just trying to motivate myself so that I won't be such a lazy human. It's like, no, that's Satan telling you that like he's, like, just made enough of a tweak to the conversation to make you feel like crap. And with the disguise of it being something good. I think that's one of his like best and sneakiest tactics is to take something that appears good and make it not good. But we can believe that it's good because we get easily tricked into thinking there's something wrong with us or that, yeah, that that we're just, we're not good enough. And it's not true. You are worthy and wonderful and love just like you are. And you can still strive to be the best person that you can be, which might mean making different decisions about things, choosing to spend your money differently, choosing to spend your time differently. Like I'm not a different person than I was four years ago. I feel like I'm just like, more me because I'm not hiding behind self loathing. I'm not hiding behind all the criticism, I'm not hiding behind drinking to have fun. I'm not hiding behind being somebody else. And pretending that I'm someone else to have a conversation at a party so that they like me, like, I'm just me. What if there was a way to put together your plan for the week so that you actually wanted to do the planning, you wanted to show up and figure it out?
Patricia Sung 21:12
Because now your day is smoother, easier, calmer, it flows, you're not surprised by that field trip or that dentist's appointment, you know that it's coming? What have you had support to make the plan so you can actually follow through on it and feel good about yourself, this is the place to be to get your ish together, you are invited to successful mama meetups, it's a twist on productivity and community, it's time set aside to make your weekly plan followed by hanging out with other moms with ADHD who get you so you don't need to earn the fun, you're intertwining them in the same event. So you want to show up every week for just a few dollars a week, you'll have your plan set so that you can accomplish the tasks you need to get done. You know, when you're trying to work on your next business idea, do that fun craft with your kids, it's been sitting on the counter for months, you know the answer to the dreaded what's for dinner, you are present in the conversation with your kids after school or at dinner, because you aren't a ball of stress. You can take care of you when you have a plan. When you have this, you feel confident, capable, energetic, hopeful, relieved, like you can breathe. So sign up now at Patricia sung.com. Forward slash meetup. And welcome to the successful mama community. We also have a Facebook group where you can connect with other moms because this isn't just about the time that we're together. This is about building your support system. So join us every week Sign up now at Patricia sung.com. Forward slash meetup. But I can see in so many ways how God has showed up and taking care of me and kept me safe and had my back. And like gives me direction in like, everything that I do like this podcast would not be here if it was not because God said Patricia will make a podcast for moms with ADHD. I was like, No, thanks, God, I'm out. But he kept on. So I finally gave in and I'm here, like almost 200 episodes in. Because this is what he's asked me to do with my life. He's asking me to be a beacon of hope to be the White House so that you know you can be the best version of you and be happy and be successful with the brain that you have in the situation that you're in and figure out how to make things work for you. So that you can continually strive towards being more content, to be more you to find your life's purpose to figure out like how you want to best mother, your kids how you want to be the best partner, you can be how you can, you know, have rest and recovery. Like he wants all of that for us. But he's not asking you to fix yourself, because he made you a crappy human being to start with. And knowing like all the trauma that you have endured over however many years you've been alive, like, that's because of other people's poor choices. And God will always be there for you. Whenever you want to hear his voice, he will be there. And if you're not ready for that, or you're like no thank you like, that's okay. He's not going to like make you do anything like that's the beauty of freewill and free choice is that you're allowed to choose whatever you want. He's not created us to be robots that do exactly as he says. He's going to ask you to make good choices, and he's happy to provide direction for them on like, you know how you're gonna get there. But like, it's our choice to choose to be with God. It is our choice to be in His presence. And when you're ready, he'll always be there for you. And I think that would be like the message I'd want you to hear is like if you're like debating and considering like how no of this is really a thing, man. If like, ask him, ask him to show up. Ask Him to show you how he can speak into your life. But again, you don't have to like I'm not here to convince you. I'm here to tell you about My experience and my story and if it inspires you, and that you can hear God's voice in what I'm saying, that would be awesome, but it's not my job to tell you what to do. One of the ways that my faith helps me the most is keeping me focused on what matters what my mission is, what
Patricia Sung 25:19
are my priorities, like I tried to do my quiet time and my prayer time and reading my Bible every morning, and it doesn't always come together. Sometimes it's only two minutes or five minutes, but it is getting a lot easier now that my kids are a little bit older, there's just more stability in the way that the mornings go. So it is getting easier. Now my kids are a little bit older to be able to do this more faithfully. But what I love about that is that even if it is two minutes, it gives me a moment to pause. And remember what matters. This prayer time also allows me to in that pause to slow down and practice some mindfulness and like let all the chaos subside while I'm focusing on talking to God and really listening for what he's asking me to do. And I know that this is one of the things that people struggle with the most is like feeling that failure of not being able to do this consistently. And one of the things that's really helped me has been like not setting this like Do or Die goal of getting my prayer time. Every morning. It's like if I can get to it great. If it didn't work out that morning, like it's okay when I do my like Bible study, I don't pick like a 30 day plan and and beat myself up when I don't get it done in 30 days, like it takes me 60 days or four months, like it doesn't matter I go by, and more often than not, I try to do it more often than not. So hopefully like four days out of the week I'm getting to it. But even if I do it for two days, that's better than none or one day is better than none. So allowing myself that quiet time keeps me focused and note like where my priorities are. It allows me to be more present with my kids and remembering like, why I do what I do and what really matters and having more patience with them when they're having a rough day. Because I've slowed down, I have paused, I have created space to lean into like what really matters. In my day. Just last week, one of the moms in my group, Lighthouse had mentioned like, I wish my brain wasn't so chaotic. And like this is one of the ways that I make this happen is that concerted time of slowing down and pausing and not just like running straight through the whole day without a pause. Having that quiet time. And that focus on God and not on me is one of the ways that I stay prioritized and learn how to pause. But before I close, I do want to say that I am on the more liberal end of Christianity. My whole goal in everything I do is like how am I loving people? Am I showing up? Like Jesus did like that cheesy phrase from the 90s. What would Jesus do? Like that matters to me? How am I showing up in being a physical embodiment here on earth of what God's love looks like? I am very welcoming of all people. I want to get to know you, I want to understand you. You're different than me. Amazing. I want to hear about it. I want to understand, like I love understanding people. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that there's something fundamentally wrong with you because you don't look like me. You don't act like me, you don't do the things that I do. That's not what God is about. So I am fully welcoming to all kinds of moms in my community, I want you to know that if you're part of the LGBTQIA plus community like you are welcome here, if you're a different religion than me, you're welcome here. If you're a different race than me a different culture than me a different geography location than me. You're welcome here because this community is for moms. So as long as you're in charge of some humans, come on, and I will fiercely protect that welcoming community. Like it's not enough to say like, oh, I don't I don't care whoever can come. No, it's like I will fiercely protect you because it is my job to love you. I won't put up with any nonsense, any ridiculousness, any hatred in my space, because that's not who Jesus was. Jesus showed up and had dinner with all people that nobody liked. The people who were ostracized the people who were shut out the lepers, the taxpayers, the prostitutes, all the people who got looked down upon. That's when Jesus was he wasn't hanging out with the cool kids not to say that he's not for the cool kids. But his whole mission is like, how do I bring God's love to the people who are forgotten so that everybody has access to knowing who he is? I want you to know, Mama, that this community is for you, no matter where you come from, no matter what your background is. Because I want every mom with ADHD to have a community support system and know that you're not alone. There's always going to be things we can divide each other In between, and this, I want to be a space where like I see you, I hear you, you can come show up as you are in a monologue on you, just like you are. So given all that, I hope that this gives you some food for thought that it is possible to be Christian and have ADHD and cultivate a welcoming community because the ADHD community, generally speaking is on the outskirts, we're the people who have been pushed aside for a lengthy number of reasons. And I want you to know that you have a place here, and the only reason I'm going to be kicking people out is for disrespectfulness or not treating others well, I'll tolerate that nonsense. But otherwise, this is a community for you. This is a safe place to ask questions. This is a safe place to learn. This is a safe place to grow your support system. That's my mission. It is my mission because God asked me to like I wouldn't have a podcast if God hadn't really been strong, strongly sending that message to me, because I didn't want to do this. This isn't a good idea. According to me, I don't want to tell everybody my problems. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to be an extrovert. And this job requires me to do that a lot. Like this isn't a Patricia idea. Patricia's idea of great was like staying at home by myself and and hiding. So I'm here because of him. And I want you to be able to see the gifts that you got for helping people in whatever way you are meant to help people and grow that competence and grow that sturdiness so that you feel comfortable being who you truly are in doing great things in this world and leading your family well and truly enjoying your motherhood. So Big hugs. Now I will be taking a little break over the summer so I can hang on my kiddos but I have some things up my sleeve so stay tuned make sure that you grab your ticket for the retreat because that is coming up in October. So https://www.patriciasung.com/adhd-mom-retreat or just head to my website and find the retreat on the menu. I want to hang out with you in October so come on, come visit and keep an eye out for what's coming up this summer. All right, I'll talk to you soon successful mama. For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhood in adhd.com