Guilt Around Spending Money or Time on Yourself? 3 Steps to Overcoming Mom Guilt! #190
Goldfish crackers are not lunch.
Are you only giving yourself the bare minimum leftovers of everything: scraps of time, energy and money?
Today, we're talking about something that most moms can relate to: mom guilt. We’ll give up anything and everything in order for our kids to have more.
We want to feel strong, confident, and happy as mothers, but sometimes the pressures of keeping up all.the.things. can feel overwhelming. You need breaks before you break.
Why do you feel guilty? And how can you remind yourself that YOU MATTER? Let’s explore these guilty feelings together.
It’s time to prioritize our mental wellness, grow our self-confidence, and make bold decisions for self-care - together.
Ready to get away?
Our annual ADHD Moms Luxury Weekend Retreat is coming up on October 6-8, 2023 in Houston, Texas! Grab your all-inclusive Early Bird ticket now!
“This weekend was nothing short of a dream weekend come true! It was life-changing to learn, to witness, and experience the bonding amongst a group of women. I felt truly celebrated every moment. To bond with so many women neurodivergent mothers was truly a gift in itself.
Only a mother could have thought of that many ways to check off the boxes.
"✅treat,✅pause,✅relax"
🧘♂️🧘♂️🧘♂️” –ADHD Mama K.P.
I’ll take care of all the details - you simply show up and enjoy.
Because you deserve to take care of yourself too. Sign up here: https://www.patriciasung.com/adhd-mom-retreat
Patricia Sung 00:00
Before we jump into this week's episode, let's read a review of the week. It's from love penguins called. So glad I found Patricia. This podcast is so helpful. It's giving me practical, useful tools. There's lots to cover, but the key messages are repeated, which is great because I forget. I think this is part of my teacher training is like I repeat things a lot, which is good for us. Because yes, I ran through that. And sometimes I'm like, Oh, I said that before. But also, like, there's so many messages that I need to hear again, I need to hear again, so many things, especially when it comes to like being worthy and that you matter and you are not broken. You're not alone. Like I literally just like could use like a little like tattoo somewhere that will record player that just goes over and over again. Thank you love penguins. I love you too. Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families. Well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD. As I was skimming through Instagram last night, I saw a post by Libby who is the diary of an honest mom. And she was at the mom 2.0 summit with me a couple weeks ago. And she was posting a screenshot of someone who sent her a message that said, essentially commenting and one of her stories about being at the conference and saying that she was being a hypocrite for you know, she's always posting like, the, you know, conferences she's speaking at, or the different trips, she's going on to do her work. And saying that like that this somehow makes her a hypocrite because she's sharing the good parts and the bad parts. And it really broke my heart. Because one, it just, Why are women tearing each other down? It just It drives me bonkers. Like, we already have it so hard as moms, why you got to be like that. I understand. It's probably rooted in jealousy and being like, not happy where you are. And I'm sorry for that. That's awful. And I hope that you find the things that make you happy. And we still need to stop doing this to each other. Like, it's not cool. The reason we don't tell people when we're doing better is like, we feel like we're supposed to be in this place of yuck all the time. And then when we finally get our head above water, somebody's there to like, push you back under or tell you, you know, mean things that you finally figured some stuff out and aren't suffering all the time. Like, what what on earth? Why would this isn't any sense, it doesn't make any sense. And I want to talk about this, like mom guilt that comes along with it. Because when we're not strong and sturdy and competent, like the decisions we're making them, we let those people take up space in our brains and tell us that we're not good enough and tell us that we're, you know that we should be ashamed for things that are going well. And like that's the goal, the goal is to be doing well. That's why we're working so hard to be great moms so that our kids can be better off and that we can actually be happy. So I want to talk today about overcoming that mom guilt because while I hope that all of the hurt moms will stop hurting other moms. Today's episode is for the mom who wants to do better and wants to feel sturdy, wants to feel confident wants to feel good about things improving. And I understand that because I used to be like that I used to be scared of sharing here on the podcast what's going well or on social media? What's going well, because I worried like Do you think I'm not relatable anymore? Because things are actually going well. And then I was like look it Yeah, some people aren't going to find that relatable because they're still stuck in their yuck and I want you to get out of that and I know that I can't do more than what I'm doing right now. Like I already have my handout saying please grab on I will help you come up for air but I also can't hide who I am and I can't hide the things are going well because the reason you hire me as your coach is because you know I can do it. You know that I've been through all the crap. And then I've come out on the other aside, and like, is it all roses all the time? No, it is not. But it's pretty good. I figured out most of the stuff, there's always more stuff to figure out. But like, I have a schedule that works for me, I have set up support systems that work for me, I have the strategies to be able to have a good morning routine and evening routine so that my family is not running on fumes. And I'm not yelling at everyone every day anymore. Do I still yell sometimes, yes. But comparatively, you know, it's down to like, probably like 10% of what it used to be. And I'm going to keep working until I can get it down even more, because my goal is to get there and show you that it can be done. So when we have this level of mom guilt weighing on us, I want you to know that when someone else makes a snarky comment about like, oh, well must be nice, fill in the blank, whatever things going well for you that you know, inside that you are sturdy, you are confident you trust yourself and know that the decisions you're making are good for you. Because you've listened to your intuition and you get it and you trust yourself. And you know, it's the right decision, even when other people want to say it's not, or they want to rain on your parade, I want you to know that it's okay for you to take care of yourself. And I want you to know that it's okay for you to want better. And I want you to know that it's okay, that when you do all that work, and you come out on the other side successful that it's okay to share those wins in like a not braggy way of course, but like share those wins, because other women need to see it, even the ones who are hurt and want to push you down, they need to see it too, because otherwise they're never going to think it's possible for them. Right now they think it's not possible for them. And the more that the mom who's struggling can see another mom can do it, another mom can do it. Eventually, I hope that she will adopt that she also can do it not just that everyone else can do it. But her so today's episode is about overcoming that mom guilt. Now, as I've been getting ready to do all this promotion around, you know, our annual retreat that's coming up, I want you to be there, go over to my website, Patricia sung.com forward slash ADHD dash mom dash retreat, if you're not sure, you can read all that just go to my website, Patricia sung.com. Or motherhood in abc.com, they want to get to the same place, click on the top menu and go down to the retreat. I want you to be there, it's going to be amazing. And what I'm asking in is asking in the Facebook group, like what's keeping you from coming? What is it that prevents you from being like this is that this is for me, I want to go or you know, you want to go but you don't? What's holding you back. And we've talked about several of those things in the last few episodes about like, you know, all these you know, vacation things that feel overwhelming to you like the preparation, the planning, and the re entering back into your life like that transition back in. We have talked about those over the last few episodes so that you can logistically be prepared for this trip. Now I know that there are also people who are like, hey, it's not in my budget right now I get it. Sometimes things aren't in the budget. That's why I have a free podcast that you can listen to like what do we at like almost 200 episodes at this point of free help free support. That's why I have products that start at $9. Because I want you to know that you can get help no matter where you are financially. And I also know that sometimes you need more help. You need that more tailored experience. And so I have that too. And sometimes you need a getaway, you need a break. You know, sometimes you always do but anyways, it doesn't have to be this thing. If you're like, Dude, I can't come on that trip right now. Cool. I'm like, I don't ever want you to feel pressure to do the stuff that I do. Because look, I got ADHD, I got 700 more ideas. There's going to be more ideas. I don't expect when you listen that you buy every single thing that I come up with, like that's ridiculous. But I'm always going to tell you about it. Because what if it said thing you really need it and you're like, Man, I really wish you had known. Do you don't mean people tell me like I didn't know you were an ADHD coach. Like, dude, what?
Patricia Sung 08:55
You didn't know it was coach Piwik Hmm. Oh, you have a court. You have courses what I know that I'm like, I feel like I talk about this all the time. And people tell me that I've gotten reviews in the podcast. So like, you talk about your stuff too much. And I'm like, yeah, there's also I get emails by the other day, someone emailed me about like, how much she absolutely loves my podcast is helped her so much data data, and she's like, I have a meeting with an ADHD coach tomorrow. And I'm like, Well, okay, if they if that doesn't work out, you know where to find me. Hello. I'm a coach to like, there are still people that don't know that I coach so I have to keep telling people I have to keep book. You can't buy something that you don't want exists anyway. Okay, getting off my soapbox. The point is that I have plenty of different options for everybody I get sometimes it's not in the budget. And if it's not, don't feel bad. Find another way to take your break. If you can't afford to come to the retreat. How else can you take a break? It doesn't have to be with me, obviously. I wish it was like it doesn't have to be with me. What are you going to do to take your break? So when we talk about overcoming mom guilt about taking care of yourself and taking a break spending time and money on you? This isn't just about coming to him. retreat. This is about whether or not you think you deserve the help. So logistically speaking, look, just basically reality facts here, we're gonna go through three things that I want you to know in your heart of hearts, that matter why it matters for you to take care of yourself, and that it is okay for you to be spending time and money on yourself. Because number one, you are part of the family, you are part of the family. So when you're looking at the budget of what you're going to be spending your time and energy and resources and your money and all that on, you are part of the family, therefore, you need to have some of the resources going to take care of you. Gone are the times where mom gets the bottom of the barrel, we are not going to be scraping the last like little burnt ends out of the frying pan for you to eat dinner, you are part of the family and you deserve to have a portion of the resources go towards you now how much that you have. I can't I don't know, I don't know what your budget looks like. But something has to go to you too, because you are part of the family. And I know we're always going to give our kids more than we have for ourselves. But that doesn't mean you deserve zero. Because number two, your well being is literally the best gift that you can give your family when we were talking a couple weeks ago with Dr. Dawn she was talking about the concept of mental wellness and like that like How come in are like regular checkups when they're looking at you know your blood pressure. And you know, you're just basic stats, why are we not Screening for Mental Health as well, because mental wellness matters like your wellness of your mind, body and soul all of them matter. So how well you're doing mentally speaking matters a lot because the doodoo flows downhill. And when you're not in good shape, and you're not taking care of yourself, you are the one who is excreting extra doodoo. If you're not healthy, you're sending diarrhea down the hill and you know who's at the bottom of the hill, your family, tough love time when you don't take care of yourself. Everything that you excrete is coming out on your family, which means they're the ones who are getting covered in your excrement, which is a fancy word for poop. They're the ones who get covered in it. They're the ones swimming in it. They're the ones schmear dinette when you don't take care of yourself. So this isn't all about luxury. And like nice to haves. A lot of this is like basic resources. Are you taking care of yourself? It's not an optional activity. self care is not a luxury. I'm not talking about bubble baths and going to get a facial here I am talking about like genuine care of you. This is everything from your sleep, the kind of food you put in your body. A handful a goldfish crackers is not lunch. Bone broth is not lunch not gonna get on that soapbox today, but are
Patricia Sung 12:50
you spending money on your mental wellness is what keeps the rest of your family healthy? You know that saying? Like, you know, when mom ain't happy, nobody's happy. When mommy unhealthy, nobody's healthy. When Mama is mentally unwell. So is the whole family. So taking care of yourself is a necessary requirement of life. And depending on what resources you have available to you use those ones? Can you change your sleep patterns? Can you ask a friend for help? Can you just drink some more water today? What can you do to take care of you? There is no reason to feel guilty about going to therapy, or spending money on that or even just the little things. The little indulgences like swinging by your favorite coffee shop to meet a friend on Tuesday afternoon. Because you need that connection. We need to stop feeling guilty for taking care of ourselves. Because your well being is the best gift you can give your family one of the moms in the Facebook post when I asked like what's preventing you, she was saying about how she feels like she needs to you know, capture all the time that she has left with her kids because there's not that much time left. And you know, I'm gonna guess she's probably like, I mean, I don't know, maybe she's a working mom and she doesn't have that much time with her kids at home. I don't know. But for her to say like, I can't take a weekend away because I need to cherish these last moments with my kids. Like, if I have to watch one more Instagram reel about treasurer the last few moments. You know, other day someone posted one that was like, when your kid leaves the house at 18 You've spent 93% of the time that you'll ever spend with them. And I'm like Why? Why must we layer on this nonsense like why are we try to make Mama's feel worse ah like there is a difference between appreciating things and then just making everybody feel guilty you taking 48 hours away from your family so that you can be in good shape when you're with them the other 363 days of the year like we have got to get out of this like guilt of like missing out on like the little that somehow being away from them like we're missing these giant chunks like you is like, there is that balance to like, yeah, I want to be with my kids, I want to see them grow up. And if I'm gone for like two days, they're not going to be scarred for life. When I'm using that time to take care of myself, one of the moms who went last year told me like, as soon as I mentioned that we're, you know, doing this again, she's like, No, my husband said, You gotta go, you came back a new woman, that level of refreshment in having some space for yourself, when you're away, for just two days, you have a chance to relax, and not be keeping the clock all the time, where you're the one who's like, wake up for school, breakfast, you know, drop offs, and pickups. Oh, it's time for lunch time for nap, you need a snack. We constantly run with this clock going. This is coming up, this is coming up. Don't forget that. And as a mom with ADHD, who has terrible time sense, it's very stressful to constantly be worrying about what the next thing is, and that you probably forgot something. And when you take that two days away for yourself, and are able to turn off the incessant driver of time that weighs on you. It's a huge stress off your shoulders. That's how you come back a new woman because you spent time with yourself reconnecting with who you are learning about your brain understanding how you function and what you need to be a truer version of yourself showing back up refreshed and with skills to take care of yourself and your family like that is the best gift you can spend your money on. When you ask your kid as an adult, Hey, would you rather gone to taekwondo camp or had a mom who was healthy and like present for you, and didn't yell all the time, I'm gonna bet that your kid would probably rather have a healthy mom then go to whatever camp that you could have bought with this. Instead, I understand that there's a sacrifice to be made. And I also understand that your mental well being matters more than another activity, or another camp, or the blahblah uniform, all those extras that we give for our kids hands down is worth the trade for you to be in a mentally healthier state. Because that's the reason number three, you may have been one of the unlucky ones who didn't have a healthy mother at home, somebody who was not mentally well, maybe you know, a friend who was in that situation with a mentally unwell mother, taking care of you taking care of your well being that matters. So we can let go of that guilt knowing that when we spend time or money on ourselves, that is going towards our mental wellness, hands down, you ask any person who had an unhealthy parent, and they're gonna tell you, you know what I rather would have skipped whatever other thing we spent money on if it had meant that my mom could have been taken care of herself and been in a healthy state, no questions asked her, I want you to know, deep down that the time that you spend the money that you spend on your mental wellness is worth it for your kids well being every single time. And number three, the other reason that you all told me that you feel guilty about taking time away is that you know, your partner deserves to have that time away as well. And you don't want them to get the short end of the stick in the process. Mama, the solution for both people being healthy isn't that nobody goes away because the other person feels guilty. The solution is that both people in the partnership need breaks need rest. So yes, come on the retreat or whatever it is that you want to do. That's your break. And then you work together with your partner to make sure they get that break to the solution is not nobody gets a break. The solution is you figure out how to have both people have a break, the retreat is like four or five months from now you have plenty of time to figure out a plan for your partner to get a break as well. You too can sit down and figure out how to make breaks for both people. It doesn't have to be a once a year, full weekend thing. It can be one day or it can be an evening out. There are always ways to take breaks. But both partners deserve that. Please don't not take care of yourself because you're also worried about somebody else like this goes against the whole principle of putting your oxygen mask on first. When you have your oxygen mask on, you can actually take care of the other people. So taking this break allows you to have the capacity to take your kids for the weekend for your partner to also have time away or you can like muscle through a tough weekend on your own. Because you know you got your break coming up like no no, no, no, no, no, the solution is not nobody takes breaks. The solution is that both partners need to take care of themselves and you stepping out and saying to your partner that you want to have a conversation about this so that you both get breaks like that is like the adult use version of the conversation here is that you're the one saying, Hey, I recognize that we both need a break. How are we going to make this happen? Given the resources we have? How can we make this work? How do both of us have time to take care of ourselves to note logically, we walked through like, here are the reasons why we feel guilty, other people making snarky comments, not feeling like you deserve some of the resources, remembering that your well being is an amazing gift for your family, that your kids want you to be healthy like that is vital as a part of their development. And that both people in the partnership, if you're in one, deserve breaks. And if you are not in a partnership, all the more important that you are taking breaks, how do you reach out to your community in your support system and have space, ask for help? Like, I have a new friend who is a single mom, and I'm still navigating, like, how do I offer help without being weird? I'm like, I don't exactly know what she needs help with. So like, finally, I was just like, hey, how can I help you? How can I support you? It doesn't have to be like, Hey, you, you all of you in partnerships, like it doesn't have to be awkward. You can just say like, I want to help? How can I help? You know, we can know all of this, and not actually believe that we deserve these resources that we deserve to have time away that we deserve to have rest and recovery. So what I will ask you to do is my favorite question that I asked my coaching clients is that when you're struggling with something, you ask yourself, What's the positive intent underneath that? What's the positive intent underneath? When
Patricia Sung 21:33
you don't believe that you deserve to use some of the Family Resources? Is it that you feel like your kids are gonna get shortchanged? Because you use some of the pie? That's a beautiful thing you want your kids to have the best? And how else can you give them the best is that by having a mom who takes breaks and takes care of herself? Probably when you think I don't know, if my partner can handle a weekend with the kids? What's the positive intention underneath that? You're worried about your partner's well being? You're worried about your kids having good care, those are all great positive intentions. So what can you do about that? How can you help make sure that your partner has the resources they need for the weekend away? Is that your responsibility? No, they also are in charge of people. However, you can help them with that, if that would make you feel better about leaving, you can ask for support from extended family to help you can plan activities so that they're not stuck the whole time at home with the kids driving them bonkers, like you can do stuff to prepare, when you know what the positive intention is underneath, you get to the core of why you're actually worried. And then you can do something about that problem. But a lot of times, we just swirl around in the surface area. And we don't realize that the actual question that we're worried about is this, I'm actually worried about what my sister in law is going to say when I take a weekend away. Okay, like we can do something like that. We can dig into that we can figure out how to support you there. But when it's just oh, I don't know, what are people gonna say? It's too vague. And we don't have like the meat and potatoes to dig in and be like, what's actually going on? So I invite you to sit with Whatever your reasons are for not taking care of yourself and look at what's the positive intention under that. How else can you fulfill that positive intention, and still feel like you're being a great mom, and taking care of yourself, that you're still being a great partner and taking care of yourself, making sure that your kids are taking care of and taking care of yourself growing yourself confidence to make bolder decisions and taking care of yourself. This doesn't have to be an either or conversation. I hope that all this food for thought allows you to spend some time pondering what you can do to take care of you. What are the obstacles in your way? What can you do about them? How are you going to take care of yourself? I hope it's on my retreat, the earlybird tickets are good for the end of May after that the price goes up. So I would love to see your name in my email box that you're coming. But if it's not with me, what are you going to do to take care of you? Because you deserve to have time and money spent on you too because you are part of the family and you matter. So grab your early bird ticket at https://www.patriciasung.com/adhd-mom-retreat or head to my website and choose the menu at the top for retreats and figure out how are you going to take care of you. I'll talk to you soon success formula for more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhood in adhd.com