Cycle Syncing your ADHD Parenting: How to Give Your Family the Best Version of Mom with Spicy Child Parenting Coach Mary Van Geffen #138
What’s wrong with my child? Why won’t they listen?
Why is everything a negotiation?
Why do I have to keep yelling, making threats, and going from 0-100 in a split second?
What’s wrong with me?
Mama–you’re not the first one to ask these questions. We’ve all flipped our lids, cried in the bathroom, felt horribly guilty for yelling at our kids and wondered, at the end of the day, if we’re just defective parents.
What if there’s nothing wrong with your child, even though they’re a little…spicy?
And what if there’s nothing wrong with you? What if a few more tools in your toolbelt are enough to be the kind and compassionate parent you want to be?
Meet Mary Van Geffen, parenting coach for parents with spicy children. She’s helped thousands of moms practice staying calm, kind, and firm with their strong-willed children, and she’s a mom with ADHD, just like us.
In this episode of Motherhood in ADHD, Mary and I discuss:
Mary’s journey to her ADHD diagnosis and the self-acceptance that followed
Her struggles with parenting as an ADHD mom and Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and how tools like self-compassion help her cope with overstimulation
What it means to have a “spicy child,” and why we can stop trying to figure out “what’s wrong” with our kids
Self-regulation, self-compassion, and other practices that support us through parenting stress and overwhelm
Cycle syncing and parenting – how we can sync our parenting style with our menstrual cycle to plan activities around our energy levels and show up for our children as the best version of ourselves
The 1-minute meditation that helps you get out of your swirling mind and into the calmness of your body when you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed
During the episode, Mary mentions Rich Roll, who had Lisa Miller, PhD on his show (episode #654). She wrote the book called The Awaken Brain.
Mary also mentions during the meditation Shirzad Chamine, who researched and wrote a book around Positive Intelligence.
A big thank you to Mary Van Geffen for sharing her heart-centered wisdom with us!
To learn more tools for parenting spicy children, follow Mary on Instagram at: @maryvangeffen
Visit her website: https://www.maryvangeffen.com/
Or join the waitlist for her live, 8-week course, Moms of Spicy Ones: http://www.maryvangeffen.com/waitlist
Learn how to organize your to-do list and your commitments to yourself in the Daily Planning for ADHD Moms course. Join here: bit.ly/adhdplan
Mary Van Geffen 0:00
And then there's that beauty of reframing our language demanding. Nobody wants to be demanding. But you are a leader. Like, why are you so articulate at voicing your needs? Like, we can come around somebody and phrase something so differently? And I just think of all the people listening who have ADHD and how it would have been amazing to have been spoken of differently, like, Wow.
Patricia Sung 0:26
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family? I get your mama. Parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest or the visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families. Well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD. What is wrong with my child? If you have ever asked yourself that question, I want you to meet Mary van Gethin. Mary is a parenting coach for moms with spicy children. She works with 1000s of parents helping us practice the spiritual discipline of staying calm, kind and firm with your spirited powerhouse of a child even when they don't deserve it. Mary is an ADHD mama just like us. Today we're going to talk about her ADHD journey and how she started this spicy children movement. We talk about self regulation and how we can calm ourselves. When things are spiraling out of control. We also cover how can we link up our parenting style with our cycle so that we're matching our energy and our emotions to fit what makes sense for that time of the month. So that we're giving our family the best version of ourselves. There is so much goodness in this episode. So let's get started. It's time to meet Mary Ben Gavin. Let's welcome Mary to the show. How are you doing this morning?
Mary Van Geffen 2:44
I'm so good. I'm so excited to be with a fellow ADHD superhero.
Patricia Sung 2:50
Thank you. Um, so do I feel like a superhero today? Yeah, I do. Somebody is you know. Are you always this positive?
Mary Van Geffen 3:02
No, you just caught me in the right part of my cycle. Ah,
Patricia Sung 3:07
well, we're lined up then we're gonna dive into that in a second. First his mask a little bit about your ADHD journey. That's how did you find out you had ADHD?
Mary Van Geffen 3:16
I found out when I went to get my Master's in marketing. And it was Kellogg Business School. And they're really into being groups. And we would get into groups and anything that was financial, or mathematical, I felt so lost in and would try to sort of use my feminine wiles to get other people to hold, I'll write it up, I'll do the write up. You do the math part and just really realize, like, I'm smart, but I, I'm not getting this as quickly as everybody else's. And it's not like I can go sit in the school library and buckle down. Like there's something missing here. I just realized how much I relied on a lot of wooing to try to get to pass this master's.
Mary Van Geffen 4:01
I'm happy to say I was I was able to do it, but then finding like, wow, then I got a job in marketing and Neutrogena. And I was so good at the ideating part. Like when they like come up with some new product ideas, and they go, I'll pull them out of my butt. You know, that's so easy for me to say like, how about a cream that does this or sunscreen that can that was so easy. But then when I would launch a product, and they'd be like, so what happens if you sell 10%? More? I'd be like, Well, hold on a second. Let me go back to the drawing board and figure like it was such an aversion to being able to shift and give them the information that you need if you're going to be a well rounded marketing manager. So I never made it to marketing manager. I should have just been a Ideator type of person. Oh, so anyway, I figured it out. I was 29. In business school, I realized there was this deficit, I moved to New York to start a job at Clairol and went to see a psychiatrist and kind of figured out let me try medication because I just wasn't able to stay with and keep up with what was needed in sort of that corporate environment where you also are masking a lot and trying to act like an Android along with everybody else. So that takes a lot of your energy.
Mary Van Geffen 5:13
But then I moved to California to be because I met my husband. And there I was seeing a psychiatrist and I remember him saying, this is only like 10 years ago, him saying, don't tell anyone that you're taking medication, this can be grounds for might not get a job you want. Like we have a mental health condition. And because I was talking about, oh, I'm sharing with somebody, and it was such a like, keep it closeted. You don't know what people will do what they find out. And I love that. Now, here, you and I are creating just little empires of goodness, being fully transparent about our mental makeup. And I don't like to think of it as a mental health deficit. It's more like, like I said, In the beginning, I feel like I'm a superhero. I'm amazing at certain things. I can stay so present when I am coaching somebody one on one, like I'm almost in their body, but I can't tolerate a boring conversation at dinner. Like it's such a dichotomy. And so being 51 Now I'm just leaning into this stuff. I'm amazing at reveling in that marinating and I'm hiring people, and being vulnerable about the parts I'm not good at and taking a hall pass on those things.
Patricia Sung 6:23
So as you were like finding all this out, how did it make you feel when you're like, looking back at grad school and all the, the what ifs? Did you ever head down that path?
Mary Van Geffen 6:34
I didn't have a lot of self empathy at the time, but I remember a life changing conversation with my cousin. And my cousin is a dermatologist. So assume that he has had a lot of you know, medical education. And I said, Oh, my gosh, I was so promiscuous. And I'm kind of embarrassed now. Like, I sort of gave it away a lot. Let's just say that. And he said, But honey, you had ADHD and you were really struggling with impulse control. And that's a huge part of that and high risk behavior and trying to get stimulation, you know, mental stimulation, and I guess physical. And he was saying this and he had so much empathy, that it kind of helped me access mine in the moment like yeah, I wasn't making and I'm also coming from an evangelical background with purity so there's that I'm working through. And so that was one of the touchstones of having more empathy for myself. And, and I've had some interesting conversations with my mother, who's like, yeah, you know, they would call me in because you're getting on top of the desk and dancing in second grade and, and I was voted class clown, you know, of high school senior year. And so I look back at that person who had like, no guidance, and I feel so much empathy and love for her now, going through it. I was just like, What is wrong with me? Why am I so overstimulated? Why is parenting? So much harder for me? Why does my environment look so disgusting? As I'm dealing with this? And why am I so affected by the noise and the touching of parenting?
Patricia Sung 8:14
Did you find anything that helped with that, that like overload of the touching and the noise? Was there anything that made that better? '
Mary Van Geffen 8:25
Nature, like I had at least two or three weekly standing Park dates, where we would take a blanket, throw it out on the grass, I'd bring a book and some snacks, and it was like, we're here for two hours, figure it out. And one of those places didn't even have like swings, it was just more like, make something out of sticks. And you know, I would bring my full presence to them. So my kids loved it. And there'd always be another friend there on a blanket as well. But that decompression and that healing from being underneath trees, and not in a small in your home with the sound. So that was super helpful.
Mary Van Geffen 9:00
And I think now, as a parenting coach, I advise people like it's like a cup, that getting filled, and we don't wait till the end of the day to empty it. You empty it many times throughout the day, so it doesn't overflow. So that means like, sensory deprivation for 10 minutes, it's like kiddos, I'm going to go in my room and I'm turning all the lights off. It's going to be dark in there, you may not come in or if you got a spicy one. If you come in, you can lay next to me, but I won't be talking. And just having these moments of shutting it all down, adding a form of meditation which I can take you through I got a one minute meditation that's so helpful for ADHD, but little things throughout the day versus Oh, I'll have my time tonight, which just means I'll sabotage myself and stay up till 12 midnight, you know, on some rabbit hole on Instagram.
Mary Van Geffen 9:48
So making sure little moments throughout the day, really checking in with my body like oh wow, I have to pee. Why don't I actually give myself the gift of going to pee versus holding it to And moving to the next thing. And then there's the whole fiefdom of self talk and how tender you can beat yourself and that changes everything versus come on what's wrong with you get this done like I am so not a drill sergeant to myself, I am like the tender some other to myself now.
Patricia Sung 10:17
I think we don't think about all those little things is adding to the cup all day long. They're like, Okay, I'll let me just get the kids settled here before I go pee. Like that little thing that we ignore in our body. It's like they all start, you know, things just like layer upon layer, and all of a sudden, you've inched up the ladder, and we get angry at ourselves, because we say like, oh, well, I just went from like zero to 100. For no reason. It was like, You didn't start it's
Mary Van Geffen 10:42
Really you went from 99 to 100. You just didn't realize it.
Patricia Sung 10:45
Right? You didn't notice the 1 through 99. And then that one thing that sets you off, you're like, oh, how can I let that you know that one thing make me lose my piece?
Mary Van Geffen 10:55
Yes. So asking yourself throughout the day, how are you doing? Just like you would a friend who's got a lot on their plate? How's it going and doing a body scan? Like oh, wow, your stomach is completely clenched like you're going into battle, may I invite you to relax it and check in with your jaw just kind of little moments. That's to me is self care is like I cared for myself throughout the whole day that I also was caring for these people.
Patricia Sung 11:21
Yeah, I just recently started doing the jaw check. Elizabeth Frank had said something about that. And I was like, I never noticed how much I clench my jaw. I had no idea now that I'm aware of it. I'm like, Oh, this is this is a thing like, so it's been probably, like a month now. I've been like, nope. Oh, like let your face and that releasing that one little spot of tension, then kind of like filters through doesn't it first, like overtime, it's like, then you're like, you let a little more go and you let a little more go. So your whole body in like that little reminder of like, Oh, let your jaw go, your whole body will be like, beautiful. But we didn't even notice that we had gotten to the point of that like clenching all over in first place. It's amazing.
Mary Van Geffen 12:07
Yeah. And I like to tell people, even little body cues that help you get calm when you're parenting, like taking the shoulders back and engaging your angel wings, like imagine that or that or put your crown on, which means you'd have to stack your vertebrae, one on top of the other and like pull your head, almost like there's a string in the middle. And like take a moment and embody the kind of presence you want to be to your kids. Because our body is this amazing instrument and there is is much packets of information going up the vagus nerve to the brain from the body as the other way so our body can communicate this is what's happening brain. And it's very helpful for me to choose a posture of parenting that I want, rather than letting all the elements choose it for me.
Patricia Sung 12:57
Can you share what is the vagus nerve so that those of us who are not familiar.
Mary Van Geffen 13:02
it's a collection actually of nerves that goes up from our sort of our pelvis all the way up into the brain. And it's and it's a big component of helping us to get calm or to be riled up into fight or flight. And so there's a lot of things that help it relax, for instance, sometimes we say, oh, breathe deeply, well, actually a deep in breath stimulates it in a way that puts us into fight or flight because if I go, that is a an impulse of being a prey, right, like about to be attacked. So deep breaths out, relax that nerve that goes right up to our brain and send so many packets of information to say whether or not we're in threat, or if we are safe. And when we're in safe, we do our best parenting.
Patricia Sung 13:49
I love that connection, because so I'll say I won't, I won't open this rabbit hole, but I have mold toxicity. And I've been doing a lot of work with the vagus nerve. And I had no idea like this nerve goes from your brain. It's like the biggest one that runs down your neck through like multiple organs down like into your core like it is a huge piece of your body. It's very long and very interconnected. And learning about how it affects like you said, like the fight or flight all those like, there is so much about my body, I do not understand. And yet I mean it every day. It's amazing. This piece of equipment that we have been given and yet do not understand at all. '
Mary Van Geffen 14:30
Yeah and the capacity we have and we're still learning new things like It's like watching Cirque du Soleil and going I could probably do that if I knew how to dedicate my life to strengthening my body.
Patricia Sung 14:44
So now that you know you have ADHD, how do you live differently? How do you parent differently with that information?
Mary Van Geffen 14:52
Well, there's sort of like the privileged answer when you have the resources to spend on help. And then there's sort of like The internal anybody can do it answer. First off, I'm very honest with my kids and with my friends that I've got some limitations here, I really tried to focus on what's fun, because I know if I go towards fun, I have a self sustaining engine within me and I could keep at it. So if something's not fun, I have to work it. How do I make it fun? Like obviously folding laundry? It's not fun. I can make doing laundry kind of fun, because it's like, how quickly can I shove this in? Oh, there's the dog get away from me, I'm trying to push this, like, there's something I can gamify there. But making something fun is really important for me. And so I kind of work at that, both professionally and with my kids.
Mary Van Geffen 15:44
Like I just saw recently a great idea, which is, if you are having a hard time, like following through on things you put on your calendar, because that was my biggest problem is I would set a list of things I needed to do. And then I would disrespect myself by never looking at my calendar to see what those things were. So I had to train myself once a day, you look and see what's on the calendar, because you need to respect past Mary, and she wrote some things down there for you to do, right. But I saw this person the other day, who on their Google Calendar, once they do something that they put on the calendar, they turn it to gray, and it's like two clicks, you click on the thing, turn it to gray, and it gamifies For you like Ooh, it looks so good to turn everything that was a color gray. Look at me how great I am like I need those kinds of things, even in parenting.
Mary Van Geffen 16:30
So whether that's like I batch cooked oatmeal, look at me, now I just pull it out. I have a system, or if it means I don't know, like, again, I come back to the self talk because now I've teenagers, right? And teenagers are brutal when they know your inner fears. And so my daughter likes to say why don't you just get medicated when she is asking me something in a harsh way, which that's just the team. It's a phase. That's a That's it. That's the product of them having a brain that's been reconstructed, right? So sometimes she kind of comes for me. And my thing is to pause, the more I can lengthen the time between the stimulus and my response, and just create more space in that moment, whether it's three seconds or 10 seconds, the more I like how I respond.
Mary Van Geffen 17:19
Now she sees that as being being spacey ADHD, it says, answer me why just get medicated. And so now, guess what, I got to pause a little bit longer. Because that Ouch, I got to take a moment to notice how that felt, who I'm not going to respond. This is a person under stress, who hasn't been on the planet long enough to you know, know what they're saying. So for me really allowing myself to pause, going towards the fun. And then the last thing would be participating in the loving because there was a time where I would be like, Okay, I'm going to make these beautiful PB and J's for my kids. And I'll put some fruit in there and oh, and some vegetables. And then I'd get to the park and there'd be nothing for Mary, I hadn't even considered that I too, would like a beautiful little sandwich made for me. And I was just eating the cross. And so really thinking clearly, what do I want? What do I need? Because there's no knight on a white horse coming to save us, we have to be the ones that show up for ourselves.
Patricia Sung 18:17
You touched on this a little bit about how is motherhood difficult when you have ADHD? Like you're talking about the they haven't been on the planet long enough to know what they're saying, which and we need that extra response time? Where else do you see that difficulty amplified because of your ADHD?
Mary Van Geffen 18:36
Well, I think of it mostly in the years of two to 10, ages two to 10 when children thrive on structure and rhythm, and predictability. And here I am this being that wants things to be novel, and needs newness to stay kind of engaged. And so there's many a time where I lament that I couldn't be more of a structure for some reason, one of the structures I could really hold to was nap time. But that's mostly self serving, because I wanted to shut the house down. So my kids got their nap, we left things that was sacred. And that's a nice touchdown in the middle of the day. But I would say structure and follow through.
Mary Van Geffen 19:19
I recently took care of my seven year old niece for a week. And she would say things like Aunt Mary, this time when you come pick me up, will you remember your mask please? Or will you come on time this time? So I'm not waiting by the tree so long. And I was like, Oh, I'm having shock backs to like how you sort of, you're gonna have to call up the part in your child that creates structure in some ways, and that's okay. My niece and I we're partnering to be a full person because I struggle with structure and being there on time and doing the same thing every day and saying, Oh yeah, we'll do that. And then her saying You said we're going to do that. It's like Oh, yes. Then we're going to do it. So follow through, I set a lot of alarms, like alarms to talk about things alarms to say, hey, it's time for bedtime, the iPhone and its alarm system are critical to me and following through.
Patricia Sung 20:12
Switching gears a little, how did the spicy children movement begin?
Mary Van Geffen 20:18
Ooh, I love it. It's a movement. Well, for me, I gave birth to a spicy child who was larger than life, other people would say, have a seat, we're gonna sit down, and their kid would sit down. And I would say, I don't want to. So this child had this huge sense of justice and could go toe to toe with adults, and was just a big personality. And so was I. And there was a clash happening. And I kind of had a decision tree moment, I could either go the way my mom did, which is she loves to say things like it was my job to knock you down a peg or two. And that didn't feel good.
Mary Van Geffen 20:52
Growing up, I don't want the person I rely on the most to be fixated on knocking me down a peg or two, or I could do the work to figure out how to coexist and still Shepherd this child, but maybe not have the expectations that other people have of their beautiful, wallflower living children, which I don't I didn't have my second born is more that way. He'll do what I want for now. But he's 50s Blum is falling off the roads. But those were the decisions I had to make. And at first, it was like, No, I'm gonna double down on making something wrong about her.
Mary Van Geffen 21:24
So I ended up trying to find a therapist for her and kind of realized, wow, there's nobody for a normal cost will come in, observe your child and tell you what's going on. So I ended up taking her to a play therapist. And she went once she went a second time. And the lady came out and said, Why don't you come back on your own next time. And I thought, yes, we'll finally have a lesson plan for this psychopath. And together, we'll figure it out. And I ended up going myself for two years straight. And my daughter never went back. And so it was realizing that, yes, she's strong willed and a big assignment, I have a tougher assignment, perhaps than some other people. But I was contributing so much to that with my mother wound my need to control my fear of what others would think. And so I worked on that for a solid two years. And now I get to help other people.
Mary Van Geffen 22:15
My driving force is I don't want any mom that I touch to tell the story that their kid was the problem, because I don't think your kids the problem. And I don't think you're the problem. But I think there's a lack of accessing your intuition and your heart that make it seem like you guys are in conflict or in battle. And really, you're just two people sharing the same tub of oxygen at the bottom of a pool, you know, like scuba divers, and you need to get yourself self regulated and calm and grounded. And miracles will happen for that child.
Patricia Sung 22:50
Do you think the key was not worrying about what other people think?
Mary Van Geffen 22:55
I don't think it's the key. I think it's one of like, eight principles. And this is a good layup. I teach the moms of spicy ones course. And I've never taught it before. But I'm taking all these ideas. And I'm basically coming up with like eight postures that you need to practice that help you get more cooperation and connection with this intense child you've been given.
Patricia Sung 23:19
When you look at all the parents that you've helped, and all their kids, would you say that most of those spicy kids have ADHD? Or is it like more of a mix?
Mary Van Geffen 23:31
I think they might have attention issues. If you think attention issues are they're not paying attention to their mom. But I don't think necessarily I think that people with spicy children sometimes start their journey, wanting a diagnosis, tell me what's wrong with this kid, and then I'll feel better, they won't feel like it's me. So there's a more propensity that they've gone down that route to, you know, like, all truth bomb. I don't believe in odd, Oppositional Defiant Disorder is really just a collection of symptoms of broken relationship, and a very spicy, strong willed child. And usually, there's some family dynamics that have led to that. And so this whole posture of Oh, my gosh, I'm at arm's length resisting this kid, what is wrong with them? That's got to shift because that's not what's going to help. So I don't know the answer to that. I think it's at least 30% of them say that their child has ADHD. And then a lot of times we figure out that they actually have it. And of course, it's hereditary. So that makes sense. Yeah.
Patricia Sung 24:29
I think a lot of moms, especially if you have EEG, you're always worried about what your kid has or will have, because of all the parts that come into play. And you worry like, did I give my kid this and do they have these problems? And we're always so worried about what's going to happen with them. And I think we do have the propensity to look for that diagnosis. Because we are humans. We want more answers. We want the information and it does make us feel better when we can we can put the name on it. duct tape, it's not that there's something broken is that here's what they've got, it does feel better. Now that's really the word I'm looking for, when you have a diagnosis.
Mary Van Geffen 25:10
What finding a diagnosis does is it just raises our empathy, like, oh, okay, you have a thing. Now, I don't have to make you so wrong, when you won't do what I say, when I haven't connected first with you and brought physical proximity to that now I can relax my judgment of you. And so sometimes we can do that without the diagnosis. And I'm not like anti diagnosis. But when you go down that road, and you're trying to get a six year old to figure out what's wrong with the six year old, they pick up on that. And so if we could instead just have empathy for this kid, like they have an allergy to being controlled, and we want to control them, and we're gonna have to figure this out.
Patricia Sung 25:52
I love what you said, they just haven't been on this earth long enough to know they shouldn't say that. If we don't have a diagnosis. That's unusual thought whether or not you're we're not, if we just look at them as you are a human that hasn't been on this earth long enough to have the skill set that also can allow us to have more empathy, because I like I'm one of the biggest offenders here of expecting my kids to be able to regulate themselves, when I am not even myself as the grown up in this situation. And expected like when they're upset for them, just like, always ask kindly and with manners about like, give me some water and be like, please, please, can I ask why they know and you're, like, mad at them that they're not asking this kind voice, but they're good manners.
Mary Van Geffen 26:32
And then five minutes later, like, put your shoes on!
Patricia Sung 26:37
Like, why are you so demanding? Like, oh, they're those mirrors again?
Mary Van Geffen 26:41
Yeah. And then there's that beauty of reframing our language, you know, like, demanding, nobody wants to be demanding, but you are a leader. Like, why are you so articulate at voicing your needs, like, we can come around somebody and phrase something so differently. And I just think of all the people listening, who have ADHD, and how it would have been amazing to have been spoken of differently, like, Wow, you're so creative. You have so many ideas, and so much energy, and you're so enthusiastic, and you're so passionate. Like if we can just like marinate our children and positive life building words, like it'd be a different planet, so much. So, yes, you're a really good interviewer, you know why it's my personal opinion, is that you don't say at the end, I love that. I just love that most interviewers do that. And it breaks the flow, you're using a lot of good self management skills, to take it in, absorb it, and go to the next thing rather than evaluate it. And that's important in parenting, too. We don't have to say I love your artwork, we can just say, see the blues and the reds?
Patricia Sung 27:50
Thank you. That's actually something I have been working really hard on in my interview skills. Because it is it's like you want to like give them all this photo like yay, good answer. Good job. Like, just let our kids like, Yay. Good picture. Yeah. Like, we give them so much validation. Not to say that they don't need that. But sometimes we're a little much that. And it is really hard, especially with adgm. Like, okay, working on like not saying, Oh, um, and all that stuff. It's like, oh, my brain has to like really? Mm hmm. It works on overtime. On interviews, I'll say that I didn't realize how much energy it took me to interview someone. Because I thought like, I just asked a question. And then I listened and they do all the work. And then I found that after I I've been doing interviews for about a year now, the days that I do interviews I'm taking like that is a huge energy.
Mary Van Geffen 28:37
And just doing deep listening, you're doing deep listening, and evaluating for education slash entertainment. So it's like two levels of listening. That's intense.
Patricia Sung 28:48
And the self management of trying to be better about the way I'm speaking is like, Whoa, that's a lot. And I have learned to put them in my cycle in certain times. Do you wish there was a way to feel confident about your day, to know exactly where you need to be? When you need to be there and what you need to do today? I know what it's like to buy 15 Different planners and not use any of them for more than a week or two. When you're tired of disciplining your family, your boss and yourself. Imagine with me that tonight, when you look back at your day, you know that you did the things on your to do list, you showed up? Well, you feel productive and accomplished. That's why I created daily planning for ADHD moms, where I teach you how to keep a calendar and organize your to do list. When you learn these skills from another ADHD brain in super short videos, they finally make sense. So now you'll be able to keep up with the commitments you've made and feel confident in how you're organizing your day. You will walk away with an easy to stick to three step system to keep up with your calendar and a simple way to sort through the giant to do list and figure out what actually matters. plus we have a weekly accountability group. So you can ask questions when you're stuck and jump back on the wagon when you fall off, because you will fall off. That's just part of ADHD. But now you will know how to prepare for that. So if you're ready to figure out your day, in a way that makes sense, both for mom life, and an ADHD brain, I want to help you make this happen. Join me at Bitly forward slash ADHD plan, that's bi T, period L ly forward slash ADHD PLA N, it's all lowercase letters, I cannot wait to see you feel confident and competent in how you run your family life. And we've been doing Oh, segwaying. So nicely,
Patricia Sung 30:46
I was like, Ooh, and I didn't even plan this. Because this is something we've been talking about a lot on the podcast is like, how do we work with our cycles, because our cycles have such a huge effect on our symptoms on our energy level. And when we try to do really hard things in the time where we're like getting close to the start of our cycle, and we don't have much energy at all. And here we are trying to do this monumental task. It's like we're almost setting ourselves up, maybe not to fail, but to not feel good while doing that thing. And I understand that you're saying you're like, This is something of privileges that I can choose when I do these things. Because I'm my own boss, I get to do what I want. There are jobs where you don't get that choice. And there are places in life and people who don't get those choices. So not not to mitigate that. But when we do have the choice in how we arrange our schedules and how we live and to make that work with our ADHD and with our cycles. It's a lot of things coming together. It really does benefit us. And you had mentioned that you have been doing cyclical parenting and I was like, I didn't even think about how I would apply this to how I parent my kids. And I was like, Okay, well now I definitely have to talk to Mary. Hmm. I'm like, do share.
Mary Van Geffen 31:56
I mean, where do I start? I have an eight week course on this that was amazing to be with 20 other women kind of and we synced it up to our cycles, I started talking about menstruation on the demonstrated it was awesome. With when it comes to parenting, I think we need to really communicate and then and I'm kind of here's another point of privilege is if you're regular and you're off the pill. True, those two things, but you can also look at the moon and start to get a sense of how you cycle with the moon.
Mary Van Geffen 32:27
But a couple things like the day you menstruate you are the most intuitive you will be all month that is the time to make sure even if you're not a journaler that you answer some important questions for yourself, like what am I wanting? What am I noticing in my children? What does my family need for me right now, what do I need, it's like you're going to an Oracle, but the Oracle is you and the reason for that is when you're menstruating. both hemispheres of your brain have the most inner connectivity like if we looked at an MRI, we would see the most jumping back and forth packets of information. So you have most access to your intuition and your knowing. So that's important part of parenting is to check in with yourself on that day. And to make some space for that.
Mary Van Geffen 33:12
The other important part is luteal leaping. And that is that whole time we are pre menstrual, which can be anywhere from three days to 13 days for some people that luteal time that you shift what your expectations are of yourself and your family. And I think it should be on your family calendar, you know, a yellow highlighter of the predicted time when mom is not going to be her most squishy, loving, positive self. So this will be the time when you lean into decluttering and organizing because your brain sees what's wrong. Okay, not this, you know. So it is not a time to work on behavioral management with your kids because you come across without the kindness and I think great discipline has to become firm and kind. We don't always have a big access to that kind or even the calm when we're luteal. That's okay. That's how we're built. That's how we're wired. Nothing wrong with you.
Patricia Sung 34:05
Just to clarify, luteal is the part right before your cycle starts right?
Mary Van Geffen 34:08
It's right before you bleed. So well first you have menstruation, that's the winter of your body. That's when everything shuts down. And you most want to like be under the covers. And you just want to sort of be still in rest. That's winter, kind of like when a flower is under the ground. You can't see it, but it needs that time to pull back all of its energy into the seed, right? So if we ignore our needs in menstruation, we pay for it for the rest of the cycle. So then you get into follicular, which is like when you stop bleeding, or about three to four days after you started. This is the spring where everything is building up towards ovulation, which generally is around the 14th day if we say day one is when you bleed and ovulation energy is the warmest for parenting and this is when you want to set up one on one times with your kids like a month.
Mary Van Geffen 35:00
The time where you're having a date with just that one kid, because you're really connecting with them. And it's when you want to have play dates. And it's when you want to gather your people for fake homeschool outings, you know where you go and you explore the world together. And then you come back into that after you have a few more days after ovulation where you're still up and at your most persuasive, and that's when you're working on hey, I need you to empty the dishwasher. I'm gonna follow through and stay with you as you do it. But then you start to get into that luteal, and my husband is so trained, he's like, um, it's feeling kind of ludicrous up in here, I'm gonna step back because this is how I am made. And it was huge for me to stop seeing it as like, what's wrong with me, nothing's wrong with me, this is a time to help my kids independent play, it is a time for me to have this as takeout.
Mary Van Geffen 35:49
And this is when I'm going to lean on the screen as a babysitter more than I normally do. I'm going to lower the expectations. And I'm going to make my family aware. So they don't feel like something's wrong with them. And I'm going to elevate rest where I can. And sometimes it's like, oh, really, because I work on a factory floor for 12 hours, how am I going to elevate rest, I'm actually met that person, but I know she might be listening, how you elevate rest. If you speak kindly to yourself, would you like to walk slowly to the bathroom, you are welcome to sit here on the potty and fully release everything in your pelvis. Like, take a moment, I got you to yourself, This is how you're talking yourself. I'm talking about re parenting, if this is sort of a new thought to anybody, and that's being kind of that person is in that little part of you inside of you.
Patricia Sung 36:33
And to think about all the ways that we can take that our cycle and apply that into our lives, that it's not just about the way that we work or don't work that we rest and don't rest, but also the way that we parent not to say that we don't get we don't parent, but like when we set ourselves up with that expectation that we know that this is how we're going to be in that time, and that it's okay to like lower the bar, knowing that well, you know, two weeks before that is when we're really leaning into other parts that we're not leaning into now. Knowing that there's that like ebb and flow.
Mary Van Geffen 37:09
Seasons, yeah, with our seasons of our life every month.
Patricia Sung 37:13
We can speak to ourselves so much more graciously. And with forgiveness, to know like rainfall, everything's dying.
Mary Van Geffen 37:22
And once we start to track it and get a sense of it, we can be your friend ourselves about what we schedule because there should be nothing at night during your luteal time you're spent, you don't really want to be there, you're not not making the event any better with your presence. And I have a book club that I've kind of had to opt out of because it meets every third Wednesday. And guess how Mary's feeling every third Wednesday. And each time I've checked in myself and say, oh, you know, I'm part of this. I'm obligated. No, I don't want to do this. And if I do it, and I go against what I want, my family is going to pay for it. And so shutting down the socializing and the extra things during that luteal time it's important.
Patricia Sung 38:02
It's on one hand, like so life giving. And then on the other hand, you're like, oh, again, there's so much about our bodies. Understand. And when we bring all that together, it just allows us to know ourselves and be and be okay with saying no to the book club that we maybe we loved before. And it was great before but it's not working now. And that's okay.
Mary Van Geffen 38:25
Hmm. Yeah. You want to end with the meditation?
Patricia Sung 38:30
Yeah, I do. I want to do the lightning round first and then do what's the lightning round? The lightning round is six questions. You just have to fill in the blank. You don't explain anything? Just answer. So number one, the best thing that I've read or listened to recently is...
Mary Van Geffen 38:49
Rich Roll is interviewing on his podcast, this woman who wrote The Awakened Brain and she's talking about how science can see that spirituality is a necessity and exists you can see it like she's making the spiritual, scientific and spiritual.
Patricia Sung 39:10
Number two, my most boring about me fact is...
Mary Van Geffen 39:15
I love my bed and being in it.
Patricia Sung 39:17
Number three, when I'm having a rough day, my go to quote song poem, book activity, whatever is...
Mary Van Geffen 39:23
Petting my dog and making voices for him.
Patricia Sung 39:27
Number four, don't tell anyone I...
Mary Van Geffen 39:30
I was married before this this man.
Patricia Sung 39:34
Number five. If I had a magic fairy wand for one spell, I would...
Mary Van Geffen 39:39
Be able to stop time and I keep moving around and doing my thing and then I could start it back up when I'm ready.
Patricia Sung 39:45
Number six, my best piece of advice for mamas with ADHD is...
Mary Van Geffen 39:49
Look at all your strengths and find people that can mirror those back to you that you have these gorgeous superpowers and don't focus so much on what you can do because what you can do is miraculous.
Patricia Sung 40:03
Now, before we do your meditation, if the mamas want to learn more about you, where do they find you?
Mary Van Geffen 40:08
I'm giving it all on Instagram. So Mary Van Geffen at Instagram, and if they want to join my mom's a spicy ones make it happen. It's starting in, I think beginning of April. I don't know the date yet.
Patricia Sung 40:23
Yeah. All right, I'm gonna turn it over to you to lead us in them.
Mary Van Geffen 40:28
Oh, yes. Okay, so this is a one minute meditation that really helps you come out of your monkey brain or out of your anger or frustration and into your body. And it comes from the work of Sherzad and in the book, and his research around Positive Intelligence and how we can actually build mental muscles for positivity, just like we can build, you know, muscles with a push up in our arms. And the way that we do this is, let's just do it, stop talking about it and do it. So put down anything you have right now. And just bring your full awareness into your body. And I want you to take the fingers of your right hand and begin to rub them along the palms and fingers of your left hand, maybe slower than you would like. But we're going to bring our full attention and awareness just to the sensation of fingers traveling across skin, we're going to sort of back and forth on each hand. Other thoughts are going to come up and we just let them glide right back and come back to our job. And just feeling each ridge and wrinkle. Every expanse of skin. Judgment might come up and we recommend our brain to come back to this assignment, this task of feeling the soft, the rigid, the tender, the coarse skin underneath their fingers. As we keep moving, then we can bring it up to our ear. And now we're adding a second bodily sensation, we've got touch. And now we have sound, we can hear the whisper of our skin while still feeling every nook and cranny. And we're done. Was that for you?
Patricia Sung 42:29
Was really peaceful. And it feels very doable. A lot of times we have this built up thing of like meditation needs to be for 45 minutes and moms are like I'm never gonna worry about minutes. This is like such a tiny chunk that it feels very doable.
Mary Van Geffen 42:41
Yes. And the what's awesome about it is the failing at it and coming back to it is the doing. That's what builds like a gray matter bridge from our most archaic brainstem up to our prefrontal cortex. And you can actually see it on an MRI for people that do this 20 minutes a day. And they might do like six groups of three minutes. We just need to do one minute and we are doing the work. And so when we find our mind wandering, we just come right back here, gently bring it back to the assignment. And that is building our ability to be the operators of our mind instead of be sort of a passive victim of it.
Patricia Sung 43:17
Well, thank you so much for joining us today. I really appreciate it.
Mary Van Geffen 43:21
It was so fun!
Patricia Sung 43:24
For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com