How to be Less Late: An ADHD Guide for Improving Timeliness When You Are Time Blind - "Top Tips" Encore #150
Less late is the goal.
Sure, we wish we were on time.
Let's take some baby steps and be a little less late.
Today we'll discuss why we are frequently running late, discuss executive functions involved in the project of leaving your house with kids in tow, find our motivation to make changes, and walk through a few skills, like counting up the minutes you truly need to walk out that door calmly with everything you need.
If you're as time blind as I am, you'll want to ask for help in completing this homework since chances are you were overly optimistic (a.k.a. mindbogglingly incorrect) in your estimations.
Being more timely is a learned skill, so we are not doomed for all of eternity, mama!
**Note: This episode originally aired in May of 2019. As I take a break for the summer and quality time with my family, I'm sharing episodes that will help you get ready for the summer, support you with some integral support skills for ADHD, and then get ready for the new school year.
I'm cooking up some good stuff behind the scenes. Plus, I'll see you in the fall with brand new episodes! Talk to you then, Successful Mama!
To hang out with me over the summer, you can:
1) hop on over to our free Facebook community to meet your people and feel like you're not a weirdo -AND/OR-
2) join me on Wednesdays during our weekly meetings by signing up for my course, Daily Planning for ADHD Moms, where you'll get your day organized and actually show up for stuff mostly on time, or my program, Time Management Mastery for ADHD Moms where you'll create the best daily routine for you and your family that your ADHD brain will actually be okay with following. Get stuff done while you love your life & your brain.
Patricia Sung 00:00
Hey there successful mama, it's your friend Patricia Sung. How's your prioritizing? Are you making space for what you need? What matters to you? Are you resting? I recently asked myself these questions and the answers were terrible. No, I don't know. And no. So it was time for some reflection. How do I serve you well, and take care of me and my family at the same time, I know that I have to cut back on something in order to do more of another, which is not the solution I want to hear. But it's the realistic one. And that means taking a break from something I really love the podcast, and hang out with you each week. This is a very adulting decision on my part, because it's not what I want to do. What I want to do is make more episodes. I also want to spend time with my family during summer break, and I want to create space to serve my community better. This is a skill I've been working on with my ADHD coach is how can responsible Patricia and fun Patricia both get what they want. So when I look at this summer, and ask myself, How can I serve you better? Well, there's two places you can hang out with me either join our free Facebook group where there is a huge community of mamas who are amazing. We'll be there to answer your questions and cheer you on. And I love spending quality time with you guys in that group. Or you can join our student community because all of my students are invited to our Wednesday meetings. I've also got a lot of behind the scenes stuff going on to prepare for the fall. And I know I'll be at the zoo and swim lessons camp and all that. So that means this summer to make space for all that good stuff. I'll be sharing some oldies but goodies on the podcast straight out of the vault this summer.
Patricia Sung 01:40
Now, most of these are in the first 25 episodes I ever did. Full disclosure total perfectionist moment, I know that these first episodes are not as good as the ones I do now, because I've had way more practice. But I also know that there are some really great skills and information in this first group of podcasts. So I'm looking my perfectionism square in the face and sing to it new. I will not let you stop me from sharing important things with my mama's. One thing that I've learned the hard way in this podcast is that we learn by doing, we figure out what works by doing, not thinking about doing. And this is one way that I can be myself with you and say, I know that these are not the best episodes, but I know that they're really good information for you. So don't judge me. Okay, I chose episodes that will help you get ready for summer support you with some integral support skills for ADHD, and get ready for the new school year. So I'll see you in the fall with some new stuff. And hopefully I'll see you either in my student community or in my Facebook group. I'll link all that in the show notes so you know where to find me. Until then, talk to you soon successful mama.
Patricia Sung 02:46
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home or your family. I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well. At the end of the day. We just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung 03:52
First things first, Episode 10 I'm so proud of myself. I did something 10 times consistently This is amazing. Go ahead and let's just have a little party for a moment. Whoo. Okay, y'all know that I normally try to keep my episodes under 15 minutes because hashtag distractions but this one's a smidge longer but I think it's really good stuff. So I hope you'll stick with me or just listen to it in two parts when you remember to go back and listen to the second part maybe in like less than a week right? Also, I'm going to ask you to please forgive the inconsistent audio because old Patricia would have deleted everything and started over from scratch but Patricia who is trying not to be a perfectionist is going to roll with it and just forgive the audio technical difficulties I was having.
Patricia Sung 04:45
Today we are talking about how to be less late and I find it highly amusing that I'm even doing this episode because I used to be row worst at being on time and I have worked really, really hard. To be better about this. I used to be consistently 20 to 30 minutes late all the time. My best friends in high school are their twin sisters, they would give me they called it a PT adjusted Patricia time, they would tell me, if they wanted to leave at seven, they would tell me to be ready at 6:30 because they knew I wouldn't be ready at 6:30. So they would say it's a 6:30 AAPT adjusted Patricia time, and they would come at seven and maybe I'd be ready, chances were I'd still be like throwing on the last, you know, few bits of like makeup, we're trying to do my hair. But I have gotten so much better about this, I, I would say I'm either on time or I'm running like five, everyone's while I'm running 10 minutes late. But generally speaking, I can keep it to like on time to five minutes behind schedule, which is a huge difference. Like, I still am working towards being on time all the time. But comparatively, I'm so much better at this.
Patricia Sung 06:00
So it's funny to me that I'm gonna share this with you because I don't feel like an expert on this. But at the same time, I have to tell myself like I have made an improvement of like being 25 minutes ahead of where I used to be. So you know that that means something like I really have worked hard on that goal. One of the things to keep in mind is why this is so hard for us with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is because being on time involves like all of the executive functioning skills, all of which we are terawatt. When you look at your executive functions, like they're responsible for skills, like paying attention. So like noticing that, hey, it's time to leave, organizing and planning, realizing, Oh, I there are 15 steps to get out the door. Not like I can just snap my fingers and magically be walking out the door, initiating tasks and staying focused on them. So not realizing while you're supposed to be getting out the door. This is not the time to scoop the cat's litter box, because you have to leave regulating emotions is another skill that executive function regulates. And that's tied into like, you know, you start realizing you're running behind and you get anxious and you're starting to freak out, things never go smoothly when you're freaking out. So that's another one. And self monitoring, which is basically keeping track of what you're doing. So like staying on task with what is supposed to come next. Yeah, all things like exiting the house in a timely fashion. Like that's all executive functioning skills that we are not good at. So we got to have a plan in order to be Leslie, which obviously, like your goal is to be on time. But I don't want to set your expectation too high. I want you to be realistic and say like, okay, how can I be better about this and baby steps so that eventually, you can be on time for things.
Patricia Sung 07:54
So first is you have to determine your motivation to be on time. I think it's really important to get down to your in order to make a change in this area if this is a struggle for you. Because the Y will motivate you when things are hard. And that goes for like anything that you're trying to work on. But specifically here, why do you want to be on time? For me? My wife started back when I was teaching middle school, I was the student council advisor. So I was constantly taking my kids on like, you know, service projects and what have you. And I can vividly remember this is probably 10 years ago, I took the kids on a service project after school, we all have the bus, the kids are all hopping into their cars with their parents. And I had one student they're left with me after everyone else was gone. And I don't remember his name. He wasn't one of my students. You know, he just came along with one of his friends on the service project. So like it wasn't a kid that I interact with every day. I didn't have like a rapport with him. But I still vividly remember his face, waiting for his mom to show up and pick him up. The combination of like disappointment and embarrassment and like a little panic of like, Hey, is my mom even gonna come? That look on his face has stuck with me for 10 years. And I'm going to try not to cry when I talk about it because it made that big of an impact on me. This poor little guy was calling his mom and she was saying she was on the way when he finally got a hold of her first and couldn't get a hold of her and that's when the panic of like, oh my goodness, did my mom forget about me? And I'm sure there are plenty of people who are like I would never forget about my child. Well, you know certain mistakes happen. Sometimes you schedule incorrectly or you forget to read something down. Forgiveness to all of you that have ever had that happen. You are not a bad mom. Mistakes happen.
Patricia Sung 09:57
Okay, back on track from my rabbit hole. I just knew I didn't want to do that to my future kids, because this was pre kid, I told myself then like, you obviously don't have kids now, but you only have so much time before you need to figure this out, you have got to make some different choices and find a strategy. So that's not you. Because the look on that kid's face was just, it is imprinted in my brain, that combination of disappointment, and panic, and hurt and embarrassment, all those things. I just didn't want to do that to my kids on a consistent basis. I mean, mistakes happen. But I didn't want this to be my reality every day. That same mix of emotions happens with adults, too, when you let down a friend when you're supposed to be there for lunch, and you're running behind schedule or family members when they're counting on you to help them with something. That hurt feeling cocktail, doesn't go away for people when they're grownups. People take that personally, even if that's not at all how we meant it. I mean, let's be honest, we all take things personally, that really don't have anything to do with us. And it's totally an issue with the other person. But it's still really hard to separate that and not feel like that person's doing X to me. So for me, my motivation was not wanting to hurt my future kids, not wanting to hurt my friends and my family members. Maybe for you, it's that you're trying to get ahead at work. And your chronic lateness is this huge black smudge on your record. And you're not getting the promotion opportunities that you're wanting because people are looking at that chronic lateness, as you know, you're being lazy or disrespectful or not taking your job seriously. So as a side note, obviously, there's some things you can do to combat that attitude from like, a supervisor or family and all but I'm not going to touch on that right now. Because otherwise this episode will be 400 years long. But one of the things that I was really lucky would be an interesting word to choose that this following situation happened with me because I was always late to work. And I was a supervisor, I was a manager. And I was really late. And especially when I think back to like when I was working as a manager at the bank. You can't enter the bank unless you have two people there for obvious like, hold up reasons.
Patricia Sung 12:40
When I was scheduled to open, nobody could go inside until the both of us were there. And so my coworkers would see that I was chronically late. I was so late to things not just that traveling all my jobs, that I honestly am really shocked that I never got like a write up. I'm shocked that I never got fired. I mean, I was late, y'all all late L A te late. And I was really lucky that while I was working at the bank, when I was in my training program, I had a manager Her name was Rena, if she ever hears this, thank you Reena for being like a super awesome boss woman. She was the only boss I ever had that sat me down and said, Patricia, you cannot be late anymore. And at the time, I was so embarrassed. So, so embarrassed. Back then I didn't have the confidence to tell people what I was dealing with in my brain. I sat there and I took it. And I said, Okay, I've got to make some changes. And I was like, perfect. No, but I really wish I could go back and say thank you to her that she was willing to call me out on something that I really did need to make improvements on. Thank you Reena. I'm sending this into the universe. Hopefully someone will tell you one day. Now, once you realize what your motivation is on needing to improve your timeliness. You got to like sit in it. And this is the part I think that's hardest for when you're trying to make just life changes in general is it usually you've got to like sit in the yucky pneus and find that motivation before you can move forward.
Patricia Sung 14:23
Hey, Mama, have you been over to my website and grabbed any of the free ADHD resources I've got? You can make your mornings more peaceful. Overcome time blindness hurdles, learn ways to treat your ADHD beyond the obvious medication option, or grab a copy of all of my favorite ADHD resources on one page. You can snag these on my website at Patricia sung.com/resources and I'll email you the PDF or the video. Now don't go putting in your spammy junk email. Okay, I'm not going to send you junk. I email you once, maybe twice a week, for sure. I'll send you a note about this week's podcast topic. And if I'm having a particularly organized week I might email you again about what's working for me ADHD this week or venting about whatever executive function disaster happened. Your inbox is where I spill more of the beans. And if you change your mind, you can always unsubscribe, right? Plus, I really love hearing back from you. So write me an email back, tell me what's going on in your life or what you want to learn about next. So go grab those free goodies, and I'll see you in your inbox.
Patricia Sung 15:26
Now that you've identified, why do I need to get this done, we got to figure out why are we late all the time. One, I think, ADHD people as a blanket statement, and being very stereotypical here, I hate waiting. I cannot stand waiting. Waiting is like the combination of nails on a chalkboard while I poked my eyeballs out with sporks. Like, I hate waiting, I have to remember one. The other person also probably hates waiting for me when I'm late. And too, if I'm early, haha, if I can get there early enough, I just make sure that I always have something with me. That's like my, I call it like an early activity, something that I can occupy myself, preferably something that I look forward to, that I can do while I'm waiting and knowing that like, hey, if I can get there a smidge early, I can. Maybe for you, it's like scrolling through some social media. Or maybe you like to knit and you can carry your knitting with you find something that's like a staple that, you know, I'm not going to be sitting here, clawing my eyeballs out, waiting for something to go on. I will get there in time. And I will get to work on whatever fun activity you have planned. You can even keep stuff in your car. Like if you're reading a book, just leave it in one of the pockets in your car. So that whenever you're like sitting in the carpool line waiting to pick up your kids, just pull that book out. And you know, great I get to enjoy this book or this magazine, just it has to be planned ahead of what can you do to not hate that extra time.
Patricia Sung 17:13
The next thing is, we are often late because we don't plan ahead. Anything that you can do ahead of time, that makes walking out the door easier and faster. Get it done. And I'll do a specific episode on this at some point. But go back and listen to episode eight, if you want to hear about my arriving home routine, because that is a lot of prep that is for the following day or the following outing. So think about all the things you're going to need when you leave the house, have your purse ready, put your keys in your wallet, have the kids pick up their backpacks, put them right by the door, have a staging area where all the things that need to go, are right there by the door. So when you walk out the door, they all go with you or just load them in the car ahead of time, pack lunches the night before, anything you can do ahead of time so that you don't have to do it in the moment of exiting is going to cut back on the ways that things can go wrong and take longer when you're actually leaving the house.
Patricia Sung 18:18
The next reason that we tend to be late is that generally speaking, people with attention deficit disorder do not have a good sense of time. So like the actual passage of time isn't correct in our brains. So for example, I've been sitting here working on the podcast for a while now. And if you just asked me like, hey, how long were you working on that? I probably would, I guess like, oh, 45 minutes, maybe an hour, when in reality, I've actually been working on it for over two hours. And so when we get into something that we enjoy, we hyperfocus and then totally lose track of time. And then also we just our brain just doesn't clock the passage of time. Well, generally speaking, so I know that about myself. So there's a few things I do to combat that. I use a lot of alarm literally in my phone. If you look at the alarm app, I have alarm for like, not just like waking up the morning but like I have an alarm for 10 minutes before we leave. For school. I have an alarm to leave like every reoccurring appointment that I have, like picking up my kiddo. Right now I'm doing physical therapy for my core back pelvis issues. So I have an alarm that rings about 10 minutes before I need to leave for those recurring appointments. Anything that you can set an alarm for do that have it recurring if it is and then I also tried to set an alarm just for like, if I know I need to finish doing whatever I'm doing in like 20 minutes I set an alarm for that because my body just does not clock that part. passage of time.
Patricia Sung 20:00
Another way you can do it is like, ask a friend, if you are at work, and you want to stop a certain time to go grab lunch, like have that friend come get you at that time. So that, you know, hey, it's time to stop working on this project and move on to the next thing. The other reason I think that we're often late is that just poor planning, think about what time you need to leave and work backwards. And the first time you do this, this is going to be our action step for the week, is thinking about, like leaving the house or just like a general activity, not for anything specific. But we think about, like working backwards, how much time do you need, like, I need about five minutes to like, get my bag together and make sure I have everything we need, I still have little ones. So you know, we still have the diaper bag we carry around, I know that I need to get on my coat. If it's chilly outside and shoes, that's about two minutes, I gotta get my older one in the potty, then you know, both kids coats shoes, that's like 10 minute process, then actually getting in the car with all the staff and the kids and buckle under car seat. That's like another five minutes. So if I add that up, that's five plus two plus 10 plus five, that's 22 minutes. Keep in mind that like, anytime I have my kids with me, things are going to take longer, I probably poorly estimated those times. So if you haven't, like been honest, and how long, it's gonna take you things add more time into that. But generally speaking, I try to up 50% of my time estimation, because one kids always have something come up, like and it never fails. Like we're trying to get the door my son's like, I have to poop and you're like, Okay, there's another 10 minutes. And then on top of that having attention deficit disorder means I'm probably going to get distracted and realize like, I forgot to wash the dishes from breakfast, or, Oh, wait, that laundry is still in the washing machine, and I gotta put in the dryer before we leave. And that's always going to add something else to it. And so that's what that 50% buffer is for. Because I know I'm gonna get distracted. And I know I didn't estimate everything correctly. If I look at the 22 minutes, add on 50%. So half of that is 11 minutes. So 22 plus 11. That's 33 minutes. So I honestly need about 30 to 35 minutes to get out the door. Anytime I'm going anywhere. And I never calculate that time in, I always look at Google, it's like, okay, Google says I'll be there in 22 minutes. And so I think that if I could be somewhere at 10, then I can walk out the door at 938 and be on time, which is totally ridiculous. Like, I didn't think about parking the car or walking in the building any of that stuff that happens after you arrive. It's ridiculous. If you think about the fact that like, it's gonna take me 20 minutes to get there and I needed 35 minutes to get out the door. And then you know, like 510 minutes to like, get everyone out of the car and into the building. That's literally like an hour ahead of time that I need to start getting ready to be somewhere.
Patricia Sung 23:01
So if I need to be somewhere at 10, it means at nine, I'm supposed to be putting on shoes, packing up the bags, it just sounds crazy to my brain that I need an hour to get somewhere that's only 20 minutes away. But it's the truth. That's the crazy part. So even though it doesn't make any sense to me, I really do need all that time. Now, if you're super terrible at estimating these things, like I am, ask a friend or your spouse for help on estimating how long it's going to take you to do all this stuff because I was completely inaccurate in my estimation. So I asked my husband to help me with this. And then I timed myself and found that like, not only was I gravely, wrong, he was pretty close on his estimation, it's okay to ask for help if you need it, which we do. So ask for help. Your homework for this week is to work backwards or forwards. Whichever way your brain makes more sense and figure out how much time you need to get the basic things done in order to walk out the door for like, you can do it.
Patricia Sung 24:16
And it's just like a general rule. If you want to do it for like getting ready in the morning and like out the door for school how much time you really actually need to do those things in a calm manner. Instead of in chicken with your head cut off mode, do that work, write down all the steps that you need to do about how much time you think it's going to take you then go to somebody who has a sense of time. That's not you and not me and ask them. Here's all the things I'm thinking of what did I forget and you'd be surprised or they'll be like, Hey, you forgot that you need to put shoes on or that you're going to have to like actually load kids in the car and that takes 400 years to get everybody buckled in. Use that sounding board and check and make sure that you're remotely at Hear it. And then I'm adding on here sorry, extra homework. I set a timer on what I need to start that process to get out the door. So for me, like my son's preschool is literally two minutes down the street. So I have an alarm set on my phone at 835 that we need to be gathering things up to get in the car to be there for nine. It's that's 25 minutes ahead of time. Schools literally two minutes down the road, like you could walk there. If you were feeling active day 25 minutes ahead of time. That's crazy. But you know what? It's the truth. All right, you got homework successful mama. For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com