What Truly Matters when Parenting Your ADHD Child to Adulthood with IngerShaye Colzie #243
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Parenting a child with ADHD or neurodiversity brings many challenges and stresses, but connecting with other parents going through similar experiences can help you feel less isolated and lonely.
How can you best support both your ADHD child and yourself?
For ADHD Awareness Month, we’re talking to a new ADHD guest expert every week.
Today’s guest is IngerShaye Colzie, MSW, LSW. IngerShaye provides executive ADHD coaching, individualized coaching and group coaching. In private sessions she creates a partnership tailored to your specific needs and goals, providing dedicated support and guidance. Within group sessions, she provides a safe space for black women to gain access to resources while connecting with the ADHD community.
In this episode, IngerShaye and I discuss viewing parenting from the perspective of after your ADHD child reaches young adulthood. She’s sharing her hard-earned wisdom from twenty years of parenting on what truly matters and how we can do our best when we’re in the thick of it.
IngerShaye talks about navigating the balancing act of setting expectations and providing structure, while also giving children autonomy and allowing them to learn from mistakes.
Join us in a much-needed conversation about advocating for your child in school and how you can be less hard on yourself as you do your best to take care of your children.
Making memories is just as important as all of the other things we do as parents. Let’s not forget to enjoy the ride, too.
Find IngerShaye Colzie here:
Website: www.ingershaye.com
Instagram: @ingershaye
Facebook: @blackwomenwithadhd
You’re invited!
It can feel super intimidating to show up to a party where you don’t know anyone. Well, I don’t want that fear to keep you from finding your people.
I want to make this super low risk for you to come, try it out, and get a sneak peak before you join our ADHD mom community.
You’re invited to the next Successful Mama Meetups Open House!
Join us on Zoom on November 6th to body double for the first 30 minutes, then hangout and meet the other moms in the community for the second half. (Hint hint, we’re pretty amazing IMHO.)
No charge, no pressure. Just come hang out!
Let me know you wanna come right here and I’ll send you the Zoom link.
And since it's on Zoom, everyone can come no matter where you live. Self-diagnosis and ADHD-curious moms welcome.
It’s time to hang out with other moms who get you and make you feel like you’re at home. So come in your comfy clothes and let’s hang out! See you soon!
IngerShaye Colzie [00:00:00]:
Know, you need to get up at this time. You need to look this way. Like, I let go of all that stuff pretty early about the way your child's appearing and taking some of the load off of him. You know, sometimes when I could, I would pick out his clothes or say, this outfit or that outfit. That was very helpful for me. Doing the this one or that one, not just free will choice, like, anything because that's what took a lot of time. So, you know, when you're saying, a lot of times, like, what hills are you gonna die on?
Patricia Sung [00:00:27]:
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy? You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get you, mama. Parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life, creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well. At the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. But, spoiler alert, you are already a great mom.
Patricia Sung [00:01:17]:
ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess, mama. You can rewrite your story, from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to Motherhood in ADHD. Hey there, successful mama. It's your friend Patricia Sung. It's ADHD Awareness Month, and look at me. It only took me 5 years on podcast to pull together a series for ADHD Awareness Month.
Patricia Sung [00:01:44]:
Just so you know, it is never too late. Every episode this month will be a new guest expert on the field of ADHD. I am so honored that these powerhouses are here to share with you. So let's dive in with today's guest. Welcome to today's episode with IngerShaye Colzie. IngerShaye is someone that I have been watching for a few years and I adore the quiet strength that she speaks with, the way she leads by example, the way that she truly cares for the ADHD community and all that she is doing and making great strides to move this community forward. While she has an incredible background of being a clinical social worker and being a therapist and an ADHD coach and many an accolade, Today, we're lucky enough to hear her talk about being a mom with ADHD to a child with ADHD. And how do we let go of the pretenses and what we thought it was going to look like and really lean into parenting in the way that fits us best.
Patricia Sung [00:02:51]:
How do we bring hope every day when things are hard? How do we help take the load off our kids? And when we see them in distress, how do we support them? We go through practical things, the tools and the strategies that we could use, but also IngerShaye speaks from the heart in how we can wisely lead our families in making it the way that fits us. IngerShaye is a beacon of hope in the black community as well. Speaking to black women with ADHD, speaking to black professionals with ADHD, she is rallying her community and making a difference. And I cannot wait for you to hang out with us today. So let's dive in and welcome IngerShaye to the show. Hello there, ma'am.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:03:34]:
How are you?
Patricia Sung [00:03:37]:
I'm doing good. How are you hanging in?
IngerShaye Colzie [00:03:38]:
I'm hanging in.
Patricia Sung [00:03:40]:
It poof. Hey. Trying to keep up with all the things with the school and the
IngerShaye Colzie [00:03:45]:
Yeah. You look up. They're teenagers, and you're like, I'm gonna rip my hair out, and then they're graduating out and off to wherever. And you're like, hold on. That felt like 2 years max. Yeah.
Patricia Sung [00:03:58]:
So is your son still close by?
IngerShaye Colzie [00:04:00]:
Yes. Yes. He's it was about a half an hour from here. He's just working. He wasn't really ready for school. He still isn't ready for school. When he talks about going to school, I'm like, why? It's because everyone else is going to school. It's not for everyone.
Patricia Sung [00:04:13]:
It's not for everyone. And that was I think one of my, like, most frustrating things teaching high school is that they're all it's all this college prep, college prep, and I'm like, this is not for everybody. And, also, we really need some electricians.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:04:26]:
Absolutely. We absolutely
Patricia Sung [00:04:27]:
need to. Skilled labor that is like like, this is not a joke. This is an excellent career that you can make a great living at. You have to be good at it or else you're gonna, well, kill somebody. But, like, this is, like, tech stuff. Like, all there's just so much out there. I'm like, why why don't we have that here? And I don't know. Where I grew up, we had a community college where you could do, like, half day at the high school and half day at community college.
Patricia Sung [00:04:52]:
And, like, I had a friend who who graduated and was a dental hygienist. Mhmm. And they have, like, so many programs. Like, they don't have anything like that here.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:04:59]:
Yeah. They do have that here. He actually adds what he did do because Pete was done with school. He actually finished early because he's, the academic stuff, even though it failed hard, it's it was hard because he was bored, essentially. That's why it was really hard. I think I might have told you that story, and this is always a good story to tell people. So he was in algebra. You know, you have to hear we have the test that you have to take to graduate.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:05:23]:
I can't remember which one it is. Anyway, algebra is a part of it. He was an honors algebra. He was not doing well. You know? And then they're like, he doesn't come and, you know, to office hours and blah blah blah. And it's like, first off, he wanted to be directed at office hours. But then coming to talk to him, he's like, mom, I go, and all she does is says the same thing that she said in class. I don't know what she'd say.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:05:43]:
So I was like, okay. And so we went through stuff, and they were like, well, we could put him in. So they only had honors or, like, basically slow. So I had felt that. So and I was like, well, what happens if there's a problem? Like, he's gonna be have to, you know, pass it. What are we gonna do? And they were like, it'll be fine. We'll keep up with it. Well, no one's keeping up with it.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:06:01]:
He's getting in trouble left and right. He's, like, basically leaving the room because they are doing nothing. Like, they're moving so slow. And then he's not getting good great grades, and they're so confused. They're like, well, he took this before blah blah blah. It's like because he's not he doesn't care. He's not involved. It's really slow.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:06:17]:
He doesn't care. So fast forward to the end of the year, I notice I was like, he's gonna get an F. And so I go to them. I'm like, what are you doing about this? Like, I agree to this for you. And so I had to jump in. And then here, I was lucky enough to find 2 tutors that taught kids with deaf learning disabilities. 1 was a friend, and 1 was somebody who's recommended. So I'm spending a lot of money.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:06:39]:
And he would go and he would get tutored, and they'd be like, oh, he has it. Whatever. Go and he'd fail. So he was very upset and frustrated. He didn't understand. And I even with the background I have at that point, because it's a few years ago, I didn't understand. And I was the one that had to decipher from all the conversations. At one point, I'm talking to the teacher, and she said, well, you know, he always gets it wrong, like, at the same place.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:07:03]:
And I was like, well, what place is that? And whenever she said, I realized he's solving for the wrong x. That juncture is where he gets lost. He's solving for the wrong x. And what I figured out is that it's not a math problem. It's a reading problem. He's dyslexic. He has a visual processing disorder, he and his mom. And so it was the reading part.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:07:26]:
So when you're working with the teacher and they're helping, like, to read it, he could do it. So here comes the end. I argue with them to have it read. His teacher that he had for support was she's the she she I'm gonna nominate her for teacher of the year. She's getting so many kids out of school, like, just putting in the work. So she was like, I'll read it to him. They love each other. She actually just text us like here it is.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:07:46]:
He's out 2 years. She's sending us a email like, how are you? But she doesn't miss him. He gets a 96. It was 2 days of testing for the final. The first thing he got nothing wrong. The second thing I think he got 2 of them. And I was like, so now what? Right? Here I come. And this is what he can do, but this is what he was showing you here.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:08:05]:
Clearly, it's disconnect, and you all didn't pick it up with the teachers with a kid that has an IUP. And I just was staring at them. And all of a sudden, it was like, well, you know, we could give him well, we don't ever change grades, but for you, we'll give him a c. Or he could come back and take all his tests again. You're lucky it was a phone call. We were in person because I don't know what I would have done. Because that's just so mad at me. Right? It's just your mistake that you're trying to you're you're doing something for us.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:08:33]:
And he said, we're gonna take our fee. I kinda gave him some grief, but we'll take our fee and move on to the next class. Mhmm. But it's it just goes to show, a, your advocacy and being able to listen and knowing your kid. Right? I knew my kid was smart enough. I couldn't figure out what the disconnect was, and I just happened to come across that. But to really kind of press them to do something different. And I had to come up with something different.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:08:59]:
And quite frankly, that's fine if that's what has to happen, but, you know, I tell that story because we get so frustrated. And, I mean, I have the benefit of being a therapist. At that point, would I do an ADHD coaching then? I don't know. Well, at least I knew more about it. And I have friends that were, like, school psychologists. I had the benefit of all that and an attorney, and I still had to do that. So this is hard work. It is.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:09:23]:
And it's real. And so I just always like to let people know that you're not crazy, but there are some ways to be able to advocate for your kid. And don't be afraid because if you don't do it, nobody else will.
Patricia Sung [00:09:35]:
Yeah. And it like, even as a teacher having incredible amounts of experience in the classroom, there's still so much that we're not trained on for special education, IDPs, IEPs, if ever. Like, the amount of training that we get on those things is pretty minimal. And it's really on the teacher to go choose the, like, continuing education credits that would then cover this because teachers get to pick, like, whatever continuing education credits that, like, would fit what they need. It's like, if you don't have a teacher who's like, yeah. Let me figure this out in terms of how do I help kids who have dyslexia? How do I help kids who have ADHD? Like, we really don't get a lot of training on that. And so, like, it is so much on parents to dig in because you know your kid best.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:10:22]:
Absolutely. And I was shocked to realize that teachers didn't get that type of training. I was shocked. I mean, I knew as a therapist, we really didn't get a lot of training. I I was saying, like, I got I don't know. There was a paragraph about, you know, little white boys, and they were all just falling out of their chairs. Like, that was in the kitchen. And it so it doesn't describe anyone.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:10:40]:
And it was like a paragraph, and there was nothing else. Right? So I didn't even get a lot of, education on it. Then kinda find out, unless they're a, like, a developmental pediatrician, doctors don't psychiatrists don't even get that much education about it. And so we're all kinda, like, out here, you know, in our own silos and trying to, like, put it together. And then if you're a parent, like, I have ADHD. He said, I have ADHD. I have dyslexia. I have visual processing disorder.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:11:08]:
I try to say I don't have anxiety, but clearly I do. And all these things will you know, it it contributes to the anxiety. Parenting him, you know, it's not his fault, but contributed to great anxiety for me. The way he was always been perceived even from a little boy, because he's a my son's a small human. He's probably five 2 at this point. I don't know. A £120 soaking wet. Like, he's really small.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:11:32]:
So he's always been small, but never really wanting to conform to any rules. Right? Which I get. Like, he didn't he wouldn't even wanna sleep in the cribs when he was in, like, in daycare. They had to put him on the mat. Like, he's but that perception, especially of a little black boy in a white neighborhood, always was behavioral. Mhmm. And I I have a good week because I had ADHD. I was like, I was kinda like that.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:11:55]:
Or if it doesn't make sense to me, I'm not doing that. Yeah. So it's not, you know, a behavioral issue. And I could have a conversation with adults at a very young age that is off putting to adults because it becomes questioning. You know? Being a girl, I got away with more. Being a boy, it was always it's been a problem for our whole lives. And so the anxiety that came from, you know, trying to keep him calm and trying to keep that spark in him yet saying there there are some rules you are gonna have to follow. And then other people's perceptions saying, like, in one second, like, he I don't know.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:12:29]:
It's like a criminal mastermind. The next second, you're saying he can't do anything. I'm like, look at what you're saying. And doing all that, you know, and in this environment means that there's anxiety. It means that parts of my ADHD were really exacerbated. And having to manage that and take care of him, it's a lot. And a lot of parents, you know, a lot of the women that I coached, well, all of them, they have kids. They're kids of ADHD, at least one other kid.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:12:54]:
So I have people with 3 or 4 kids, and they all neurodiverse in some way, shape, or form, and that is really a lot.
Patricia Sung [00:13:00]:
What would you say were the your, like, strongholds as a mom? I'm like, these are the things I'm gonna stick to versus, like, these are the things that I'm gonna let go or wiggle on. And I guess, like, how do you tell the difference? Because, like, you have experience on your side of your son's now a grown adult. A lot of the moms listening aren't at that phase yet. Like, we're we're still in the trenches. Like, how do you know when you should stick to it and when you flex?
IngerShaye Colzie [00:13:26]:
Oh, that's a really that's a great and very nuanced question because it's just like anything. It it all depends on your kid. It depends on the day. It depends on what it is and and your own values. Right? So many people in the mornings, they fight with their kids and, you know, we would fight too and you wanna kinda get up and get out. We got to the point where and, again, this is, like, hindsight 2020. So it's we can start out this way. But all you gotta do is brush your teeth.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:13:54]:
Like, show up with clothes. Brush your teeth. Like, zit. You don't have to eat breakfast because you don't wanna eat breakfast. You don't do any of this other stuff. You can wake up 10 minutes with I don't care. Then we get out on time and you brush your teeth because you to me, you need your teeth. You don't wanna be in somebody's face with bad breath.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:14:10]:
And so that could be the fight that we would have, but it's one fight versus, you know, you need to get up at this time. You need to look this way. Like, I let go of all that stuff pretty early about the way your child's appearing, and taking some of the load off of him. You know, sometimes when I could, I would pick out his clothes or say, you know, this outfit or that outfit. That was very helpful for me. Doing the this one or that one, not just free will choice, like, anything because that took took a lot of time. So, you know, when you're saying, like, what heels are you gonna die on? So a lot of times, it can be what two things are great for me and which one pick one of those 2. That way, they have autonomy too.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:14:49]:
And that's something you can actually, like, take through all the different years because when they're little, like, yours are little, you know, you pretty much can be like this or that. And they might they'll give you some pushback, back, you know, depending on the kid. You know, some kids are more than others. But it's a little different mix than when they get to be teenagers and those hormones kick in and that sense of autonomy wants to kick in. You've got to give them choice in this, and they'll just be like, no. And my kids will tell you no, and then you can't get the sentence out
Patricia Sung [00:15:16]:
for telling you that.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:15:19]:
So so I had to learn to, like, give some parameters that I could live with. And then even sometimes, if you can come up with a reason that that makes sense, like, you know, I don't know everything. And sometimes I am just living, you know, the way my parents brought me up or something I think is right, or sometimes I get caught up in the more typical paradigm too. Like, I'm human. And, you know, if he can say or at least express that there's real concern there or something's wrong, then I need to look at it. Right? I need to look at why that is, not just be like, well, my my house, my rules. Right? Yeah. So I think that discernment is not the easiest.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:15:56]:
But when you can just know your value system and then, like, look at your kid. When your kid is in distress, they ask for this. There are times he's been in distress, and I would say there are some parenting moments I'd go, ugh. We would ignore it or be like, get over it. We would do that thing. But there was times when it was like, he's in real distress. Like, I can't I don't know what it is, but the distress he's in is just not him being, you know, you know, and say, like, we're too much. We're too loud.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:16:21]:
It's really it's just it's distress for him. So I need to stop and figure out what the distress is. And, you know, if I can fix it, great. And if I can't, if this has to be, then that's the conversation we're having too. So I don't know. I think maybe that's how we got through it. A little bit of white knuckling too. And, faith and hope.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:16:40]:
Like, I would like to talk about hope. You gotta be the one holding the hope because it gets tough out here. And if you don't hold the hope, no one else will. So
Patricia Sung [00:16:49]:
One thing that really stood out to me is you said that you were trying to take the load off him. And I think so many times as parents, especially when we have ADHD, like, we're so caught up in the moment ourselves that we forget the fact that our kid is another human who is carrying around, like, granted very different stresses, but they are not as evolved along and, like, can't carry the amount of stress that we can, like, with all your mom wisdom? How do we lift that stress off our kids and take that burden off them of things that they don't need to be carrying around.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:17:21]:
So I think it's important to make distinction between, like, trying to take a load off them or, like, doing it for them. Right? Mhmm. Because you don't wanna do too much for them because they do get dependent and they you have to have some expectations. Right? If you don't, you know, sometimes they want you to lower your expectations. Well, I don't think of it as lowering. I think it is looking at the kid that you have and what are the expectations that you, you know, see that they can live into. Because our kids are 3 years developmentally delayed, approximately 3 years. What your friend's kid is doing, I don't know, at at 10 or whatever, your kid might not be doing or not doing well or consistently.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:17:59]:
So a, not comparing. And b, again, I had this part of it slowing down. It's hard. You need more than 1 kid. You have, you know, all these things you're doing, working, whatever. But to take even a few minutes and center yourself and slow down, like, well, what's happening? Because then you can kind of see the things that they might need for you to do. One told me to do a project. God bless these people with these projects.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:18:23]:
Where you it was a project, and I don't know, he wanted to be I don't know. I think it was Satchel Paige or someone in the Negro Baseball League. So we had to draw it. I don't draw, and neither does he, and it was crazy. And we have all this paper, and he was, like, freaking out. And I was like, listen. Put yourself here, and I'm gonna draw around. Usually, I was like, this is what we're this is what we're turning in.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:18:41]:
So he's supposed to be doing all that. We could go through this all night. It still not happen. But it's like, I'll make you a part of it, and I did whatever. And it's a quick your hand, and it'll be a mitt, and then you can do the rest. Me just coming up with the idea and then making this really rudimentary. But it took that it started it for him, and then he could do it. So I think of it like that.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:19:04]:
We're trying to look and see, like, where's the sticking point, and then where can I help with that? And, you know, a lot of us have trouble with getting started or knowing where to start or knowing where to end, like, what's actually expected. So I would do a lot of that too. Like, let's look at it, and what is it that they actually want? Especially school, they don't always totally tell you what they want, but I'd be like, what is it that they want? So you just have to give them that. Like, you don't have to give them all the extra stuff or not enough. Just those things and then, you know, we'll go from there. If it's wrong, they'll let you know. So, yeah, just taking the parts where you see they're sticking and say, where can I just be helpful?
Patricia Sung [00:19:42]:
Yeah. Like, I'm seeing, like, the parent and teacher sides both at the same time because I used to teach middle school. It's like, I would try to do my best to explain. Like, here's the rubric. This is what it looks like. Here's how you get an a. Like, a rubric is literally instructions of how do you get an a on this project. If you do this, you get a b.
Patricia Sung [00:19:57]:
You do this, you get a C. This, you feel like, I'm trying as a teacher to explain that. And yet, when your kid comes home with all these things and they get home, they're like, I don't know what they want. The kids aren't thinking, how do I get the a? Like, how do I follow these instructions? The kids are like, well, they told me to make a thing and now they're trying to make the thing and that's so open ended, especially for kids with ADHD. They need us to come in and be like, look. What do they want? This rubric is literally telling you this is what they want. So how do you fit your ideas in the rubric? And, like, as parents, bringing all the, you know, the oyster of idea no. That's not the saying.
Patricia Sung [00:20:32]:
What's the saying? Like, the world is your oyster. Like, you were like, yes. Your ADHD brain could come up with 73 ideas for this project because you're excited about it. Or you are not excited about it and you have absolutely zero ideas. But, like, we as grown ups can come in and say, hey. Let's narrow it down. This is what they want. And a lot of kids really struggle in school when you have ADHD, and, like, we have to teach them of, like, sometimes it's not actually who has the coolest project.
Patricia Sung [00:20:57]:
It's like they told you do this, do this, and they need us to interpret that for them. So that was really
IngerShaye Colzie [00:21:03]:
a good one. I need so my I need I get help with inter people helping me interpret it. I mean, I actually I'm like, I have an assistant that I meet with once a week to have an out loud conversation because the way I know that my ADHD roles is that sometimes it just scrolls up in there even if I'm writing it down. It doesn't work. I need to have a verbal conversation. That's why I pay someone to come in and listen to me go, oh, and then, usually, I can figure it out. And if there's something that's missing, she'll tell me. And so if I need that as an adult, you imagine as a kid.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:21:33]:
And I remember not having not not understanding why it would work and why it didn't, why some things for me would be like butter, if some things were, like, so bad. And when I look back, I had some coping skills. I didn't know that that's what they were, and it didn't know what was working. And it was things like that, being a verbal processor, being the one who would give the presentation. Like, you all do all that work and then tell me what's supposed to say. Because I'll get out there and say it like we're here. But figuring that out and figuring out how to manage that with people, it took me a while to do that. My kid who doesn't have his greatest social skills, it was harder.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:22:10]:
So also to model that, right, and modeling, this is how you do it, and modeling asking for help, especially with our boys.
Patricia Sung [00:22:21]:
Have you ever been invited to a party and you realize, like, you weren't gonna know many people there? And so then you, like, dread it all the way going up to the event or you talk yourself out of it so you don't go. Because it's scary to put yourself out there in a situation that, like, what if I don't like them? What if they don't like me? And it feels stressful. Well, I don't want you to feel that way about hanging out in this community, mama. So I am hosting an open house, and I want you to come and meet all the mamas so that you know what kind of people we are. PS, we're great. And that you feel comfortable joining in this community. Because if you are thinking about joining successful Mama Meetups or thinking about joining the retreat, I want you to know that these are your people, and what better way to do that than to actually meet the people. So come join us at our open house.
Patricia Sung [00:23:13]:
We are hosting an open house in Successful Mama Meetups on November 6th, and come meet the moms. Hang out. See what it's like. You'll get the feel for, like, who are these people? What's the vibe? Do I wanna hang out with them? Yes. You do. It's gonna be so fun. So come hang out with us. So it's totally no charge, free 99.
Patricia Sung [00:23:33]:
Come hang out at Successful Mama Meetups on November 6th. Our meetings are on Wednesdays. They're at 12:30 EST. Go over to my site at patriciasung.com/openhouse. It's all one word, o p e n h o u s e, and sign up for the link so that you get the Zoom link. It's all virtual, so anybody can come anywhere in the world. See what time it is on your time zone, and come join us for the first 30 minutes. We hang out and get stuff done.
Patricia Sung [00:24:03]:
So I have help there for, like, how to plan your week, or if you just like, I just need to get some stuff done and the body doubling helps, do that. Like, there's no wrong way to show up and do stuff at Successful Mama Meetups. Did you get something done? Great. That's what we're here for. Okay? So that's the first 30 minutes, and then the second 30 minutes is social time where we hang out and we make it fun. You actually want to show up to the body doubling because you get to hang out with your friends, and meet people who understand how your brain works, and you feel at home. So come join us November 6th. Sign up at patriciasung.com/openhouse and I can't wait to see your face.
Patricia Sung [00:24:40]:
And if you are listening to this after November 6th, still go over to that link and see when the next one is. I think I'm gonna do this again. I'll see you then. Okay. On to the episode. And then, like, having watched you for the last couple years, like, at the ADHD conference and then, like, speaking at the women's event, like, I have been purposely looking for women who are, hopefully not insulting, slightly ahead of me in age and have kids who are a little bit older to be the kind of, like, mentors and wisdom that are feeding into not just me, but my community. Like, I want us to be able to look ahead and say, like, there are moms who have been through this. They have so much wisdom to share, and I want the peep like, I'm sorry.
Patricia Sung [00:25:29]:
There's some crazy people out there, and I those are just
IngerShaye Colzie [00:25:33]:
the people I want I want I want to
Patricia Sung [00:25:36]:
bring in. Like, I want the people who are level headed, tell it like it is, own their ADHD, and show up as themselves and not this, like, fancy presentation because that's what I want for the people that are listening to be like, this is the kind of people that we want to, like, learn from and model from are people that are real, people who are owning who they are, who are speaking from the heart. I don't want a bunch of fancy razzle dazzle, like, plastic on display business. That doesn't help anybody. Just makes you look bad.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:26:08]:
Yeah. And it's like, of course, I'm ahead of you. And, of course, I'm older than you. But, of course, it's having somebody, like, to hold the way you have hope is for the people who you've seen go through it. And I think being realistic about it in the way of that it was not like, oh, you know, we we learned some tricks and chips and info. We did this. And then now he's off, and he's like, you know, in Ivy League, you know, and gonna be a doctor. And it's like, that is some people's story, and that's great.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:26:34]:
Most of the people I know with ADHD and their kids, it's not that things don't, you know, end up fine, but it's not that smooth kind of linear path. It's a lot of ups and downs. It's a lot of stops and starts. There's a lot of fear, and there's a lot of great stuff that happens. So when you can get the whole picture, I kinda think like, I think about, pregnancy and delivery. Like, nobody wants to tell you. And there was that oh, I wish you remember the name of the book that was like it was funny, but it really was telling you about delivery. I was like, this was the best book because it actually said this is what's gonna happen, and it's gonna be weird and, like, growth and suck.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:27:11]:
You know? They delivered it in a funny way, but it was like, oh, when that happened, I felt more prepared as opposed to the ones that people were like, oh, I don't even remember what happened. And then here's the baby, and then they're, like, there looking cute. It's like, no. Baby comes out. Now I got this responsibility. I know what to do with it, and I'm with baby. And then I think having a child, you know, with ADHD, we don't know about ADHD. I would think, like, even when he was born, like, trying to figure out how to breastfeed.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:27:38]:
He was just like, I I don't I don't know. I'm thinking, isn't that natural? And it's like, no. They have no instincts. And realizing that, I figured that kangaroos have babies and they, you know, they have to go around in the pouch and they find them on and they feed. And I was like, this kid's here and he can't feed. And that analysis and created a level of fear, somewhat healthy, somewhat unhealthy, but the fact that you have to take care of them. And so then when they go, like, start to do things in the world and it doesn't appear like what you think it's going to appear like, is I have, like, level set from that. Right? That, yeah, there's no instinct like, your kid is the non instinctual being.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:28:20]:
And because they're not an instinctual being, you have to help with some of the instincts and hope that some will kick in and some have and some we, you know, try to cultivate, and some still aren't there. Some still aren't there. You know, we were speaking. It's like, as he's he's older now, I can't tell him what to do. One day, they're 18, and no one will wanna talk to you, and they don't have to. And sometimes they can't even though you're footing the bill. And to be like, oh, all of a sudden, I'm cut off, where you've been trying to, like, cultivate these things. It's like it's a little scary, but trying to activate some of the instinct and knowing that some of it's still not there and letting them feel a little bit.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:29:01]:
You know? We'll fall to the bottom, but let them trip. And then watching them start to get up, and then you can come in and help. And I think that that's also like we were so used to jumping because, again, it's not a natural being. If I didn't jump, like, they would die. But then, like, really backing off in that scaffolding that they say, it's hard, and we and we're impulsive. Like, I'm impulsive. I wanna jump and fix it for you because I love you, but to hold your breath a bit and say, give them a chance because that's how they get their instincts. Or because they'll just get a it's not instincts.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:29:33]:
It was not natural, but that's the way they'll learn. And, with the 2 agents that you have, have you, like, noticed that?
Patricia Sung [00:29:40]:
Yeah. It's it's so hard to sit back and know, like, what's the right amount of struggle that they need to practice this before I jump in and help. It's like they can't have no struggle, but you also don't want them to get so far down that they're like, I can't get back up. That, like, in the moment watching them being like, where do I step in? When is the time that is best for you for me to jump in? Like, oh, my spirit is hard.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:30:08]:
It's hard. But sometimes too is when is the time it's best for us as the mom to jump in for them too? Like, as moms, we're told to, like, not account for ourselves. And I say, you've gotta put yourself on the list. You know? It's, like, oh, you can't pour from empty cup. It's more of, like, you gotta be fulfilled in order to, you know, use the overflow. And sometimes when you're, like, really only adjusting to all that they need, that's when you've aren't yourself, and it's harder for you to be able to make that discernment because you're coming from it with nothing. And so I think that in the beginning, you need to look at it especially for yourself because sometimes I might need to sometimes, yeah, they need to learn. I might need to do this.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:30:49]:
Right? Or I might need to just jump in and get it done because if we don't get out the door, then I'm late to work again or I'm worried about it too much, then we're just gonna do that and then maybe regroup and figure out a way to do it differently or be okay with, you know what? I do make the lunch. Like, I made my kids lunch. I mean, as long as he whenever he would get lunch, guess who made the lunch? Fine. Right? Because it was just always easier. He would just eat eat or not eat it. Like, I don't even care till until he stopped giving me lunch or stopping by, like, I live in Philly. Like, don't get a hoagie to Wawa. Like, I would do that because not that he couldn't do it.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:31:24]:
There was just a point where it's like, that stress was not for me, was not worth it. It was not worth it because the kids like see getting a see as he eats everything that's not nailed down. I'll take care of it. I'm stronger, better. Like, when we talk about delegation, delegate that to me. And you can take yourself out of that bag and put it in the dishwasher. Right? Now that that's what you can learn to do to clean up after yourself because that part's not my job. So because that also and but that worked for me.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:31:52]:
Right? So I I think they're really because the discernment's hard and everybody's different. But, when you can consider yourself, which I just that was funny. Yeah. I have a coach. I was talking to my coach this morning about the difference in the shame level that we have is so different than any male client that I have that I was like, you can't even understand because it's not that we're even trying to live to the gap of, like, maybe some things aren't done, to what we think we get done. It's really the gap of we're doing so much. We think we should be doing more. That's the gap.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:32:25]:
And we're trying to close a gap that's not really even there. Like, you're already doing too much. And because we're, you know, we're supposed to be doing everything. You're a mom. Right? You know? All the things they say. Or and anything that's wrong is our fault too. Right, Freud? So, you know, all of that leads to the exhaustion and you not being the best mom for this child who's showing up in their best that they can do, like, they're trying as hard as they can. So I think just knowing that is to give yourself the grace to be like, I have to take care of me.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:32:54]:
I had 1. You have 2. Like I said, I know people that have 4 kids, maybe under the age of 12, all neurodiverse, and, I've always like, god bless you.
Patricia Sung [00:33:06]:
It's a it's a whole handful.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:33:09]:
It is.
Patricia Sung [00:33:09]:
It is. Like, when you think about those clients you have that have a whole family full of neurodiversity, what's one of the first things that you help them sort through to start to get a handle on feeling like things are, at some point, are going to be better?
IngerShaye Colzie [00:33:25]:
The first thing I do, and actually with any client, is like, yes. This this part of it not all of it sucks, but part of it really sucks. Like, if the parts that are bad are bad and you're just trying to hold together and act like it's not bad, it's like it's bad. Like, let's look at what's actually happening here. But when we do that, we look at the parts that are great too. But let's kind of always level set in that, you know, you're not crazy that this is bad. You know, you're running around doing all these things. You are actually exhausted, like, and that's okay that that's happening, but that's what's happening.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:33:57]:
Then we can decide or, you know, I help them to decide what is they think they wanna do or need to do, what resources do they have, how to empower the kids, how to be able to take care of school, who do you delegate to. But the first thing you have to do is sit down and be like, and it's okay. Like, you're not the only one. So I wish it it's not one person. I have several. I know I run a women's group, for black women with ADHD. So I have several women in the same boat. And I think community too is really helpful with that because then it's like, oh my goodness.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:34:30]:
It's not just me. And just knowing that's helpful. And then sometimes people have ideas, same idea that I would never even think because I only have my kids. That always is helpful. So I just always like the level set with everybody, meet you where you are so then you can decide where you wanna go.
Patricia Sung [00:34:46]:
Yeah. And it's so true. When you get a whole bunch of ADHD brains together, there are so many good ideas that work for different people. And you're like, I mean, I got a lot of good ideas, but I never even thought anything like that or this like, the number of solutions that people have. They're like, Like, I never would have thought of And I think when we're vulnerable like that to say, like, I need help and I want to know that I'm not by myself. Like, it's not just, yes, you get a whole bunch of more good ideas, but then you know it's not you. You're not the problem. In so much of our lives, especially as women, we just think it's us.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:35:23]:
Yeah. We think it's us, and we've been fed that feel good that it's not other people. And, again, you see people around who are acting like, and I mean acting like, everything is fine. That their kids are fine. Everything is fine. Their house is fine. Their marriage is fine. Their parents are fine.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:35:39]:
All their friends are fine. They do all this, like, civic engagement, and they're, like, you know, in their church or synagogue. Like, they're doing all these things, and they look great doing it. And I'm here to say that not that it's not fine, but it's not so easy. It's not so simple. That's not the way that sometimes people betray themselves no matter what. And, also, you need to do it the way that it works for you. People know my house is lived in.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:36:02]:
We don't have a a huge house, and it's lived in. We have a lot of stuff I keep trying to purge, but we do. And so if you're coming to my house, it's gonna be clean and not it's not gonna be, like, dirty, but it's gonna be lived in. And I've had to live with the fact that my house is a lived in house. And being okay with I'd rather have a lived in house and spend the time I need to spend with my kid and the time I need to spend with myself and my husband than to stress about that the house, if you knock on my door, just just crap all over the dining room table, which you see right away. So I think that too.
Patricia Sung [00:36:35]:
Yeah. I'm like, I got a bunch of junk on the table. I normally clean off the table before I do an interview. I just realized I didn't clean off the table, and there's atmosphere behind me. Like, I love that. I lived in house. Like, I have one area that stays clean because my brain will go bonkers if there's not space here. But like the rest of my house, it looks lived in.
Patricia Sung [00:36:54]:
I'm the person shoving piles of crap in the laundry room so that there is room for us to sit at this table. Like, not that I'm trying to impress you, but like there's nowhere for you to sit because I gotta move that school paper and the permission slip. And the weird art project that like my kid insisted it has to be saved, but we it's been here for 2 weeks. Like, all that stuff's gotta go somewhere if you're gonna eat dinner at my house. But that's okay. I'd rather have the person over than miss the opportunity.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:37:19]:
Absolutely. And I think, again, like, that's so important to be okay with it and have the person over it, live your life. I do. I have friends who are like, oh, like, they don't want exactly. They don't wanna take pictures, and they feel like they're fat, or just, like, some things they don't wanna do because it's not perfect. And I'm like, stop. You know? Oh, sometimes what we have in and, you know, at the end are just like the pictures or the fact that I'd rather spend time with you than to worry about that. And if it bothers you, then let's all go out.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:37:47]:
Like, I can't. But just find a way to to just make it work because experiences at the end of the day you know, we were saying earlier, like, your kids grow up. It really is I feel like a 112. They they do grow up, and it is faster than what you think. And if you don't use all these moments to spend time with them or your friends or create moments with people, it's gone. And then also when they leave, you need to have a life. Empty nester syndrome is real. When they go, you look around, you're like, well, who am I? What am I doing? Who are my friends? Oh, you're married to me.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:38:22]:
Right? There's a lot of that, and it it's disorienting because you haven't taken that time to actually live a full life. And to live a full life is to not, you know, pick and choose the battles with yourself. We were talking earlier about with the kids, but with yourself that what's important and what isn't so important. And so I think we learned, hopefully, from the pandemic, do the thing. Whenever there's something you wanna do, people, just do it because you just never know.
Patricia Sung [00:38:50]:
Yeah. I think back and I'm, like, really sad for, like, late twenties, early thirties, Patricia, who thought that I had to have my house clean before I could have friends over. And I thought I had to like, I look I'm like, man, I should have been wearing more bikinis when I was 20. Like, what like, I was always like, oh, I just I look at, you know, my tummy is too pudgy. It's like, what? It wasn't getting better. 20 year old, you wear the bikini. Like and even now, wear the bikini. Who cares? Like, the people who are judging are judging because they think they're not allowed to wear the bikini, not because you can't wear the bikini.
Patricia Sung [00:39:20]:
I wish younger me knew. Like, just don't worry about it. Their opinion doesn't matter. Just do it.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:39:25]:
I know. Don't you wanna hug her?
Patricia Sung [00:39:28]:
So much. Well, I know a lot of that in therapy of hugging my younger selves and probably like, oh, it was just she was trying so hard, and it wasn't coming together. So hard.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:39:39]:
So hard. So hard. Yeah. I guess I've been having lots of conversations about my twenties, for some reason. And I'm like, I was so much. And, like I said, trying to, like, appear in different ways, trying to be perfect and cute and, like, cute enough, but, you know, I didn't try really hard and, not appear what I felt like was a complete mess.
Patricia Sung [00:40:01]:
Mhmm.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:40:01]:
And all of the work that that was, all that extra energy and effort, it now allowed me to be my full self. I'm just sometimes I wonder how did I get? How did you bake it? Because it wasn't great. So because I did not have my son till how old was I? I was almost 40 years old. And they told me it wasn't gonna be so easy, but I I didn't think I wanted kids because I used to say I was so selfish. That's what I thought. It was more of, I think, just trying to manage myself with my own ADHD and have any space for anything else. And then when I got pregnant, I had just started grad school to become a therapist, and I was like, okay. Well, the child here, they chose you.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:40:42]:
They said that, you know, you weren't gonna have kids, but here he is. And so when I went to school then, I managed to get through school very quickly with a baby or a newborn. And my son is only 20, And they were trying to tell me to stop grad school and go home and take care of your baby because how are you gonna go to grad school because you have to have a practicum. And they knew it was, like, working too. And I had a baby, and they're like, how are you gonna do all that? You should stop. And that's 20 years ago that this is the school administration.
Patricia Sung [00:41:10]:
Yeah.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:41:11]:
So all the things that are put upon us, sometimes that oh, I wonder. It's like, how did you get here? I think it is because of ADHD. So I was like, what are you talking about? I don't think of younger me and my mouth. Because I was like, what are you talking about? I figured out. I'm gonna do what happened. You know? We told them, I'm just gonna bring I did. I brought him. Like, I had him.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:41:30]:
Like, I missed 1 week of school. They had him on a Wednesday. The next class was on a Wednesday. My mother was home. She was like, they said you could miss one class, and then she took, you better go. They were like, why are you here? Do you have a baby last week? I said, yeah. And they were like, you could go home. I was already there.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:41:45]:
So, you know, I just kept going. And when I had to go, I worked my practicum was with the elderly. I would take it. I never asked. I just did it, and I weirdly ADHD trait. But old people love babies.
Patricia Sung [00:41:58]:
They do.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:41:59]:
And it allowed me to have conversations with the old people that I might not have been able to have without that quick icebreaker Yeah. Of, oh my god. Sure. Maybe. You know? So
Patricia Sung [00:42:10]:
Yeah.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:42:11]:
You know, it's it's both. Like, some of the ADHD trades may may not, but some of them, I'm like, that's how you got here because that kind of I don't know if it's boldness or just, sometimes we just don't see that you shouldn't do so. So, you know, you just have to, like, lean into it, support your kids in leaning into it also because it it is what's going to take them through from being young to graduating to into this world. So that's always a good thing.
Patricia Sung [00:42:39]:
Okay. Well, we're we're getting closer to time, but I did wanna ask about can you tell us about the nonprofit you're working on?
IngerShaye Colzie [00:42:45]:
Oh, sure. Thank you for asking. It's the ADHD Black Professionals Alliance. And so it is a nonprofit. It's a hub for, like, all things for black people with ADHD. So for black professionals that wanna work with black people to be able to have clients for us to have community, to learn from each other. And then also if you have ADHD and you wanna provide, it looks like you, coaches, therapists, lawyers, occupational therapists, like anyone, It looks like you. It's a place where you can find them.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:43:16]:
And then we wanna be able to provide and sort of working on some scholarships for ADHD coaching because I'm a therapist and a coach. I believe coaching is the way in the light because it allows you to go from, like, where you are to the goals that you wanna get to. And it's something that we could actually pay for versus, like, becoming a therapist in, like, what, 3 or 4 years of school.
Patricia Sung [00:43:37]:
And for the mom who's listening, you wanna see involved. How can I
IngerShaye Colzie [00:43:40]:
help you? You can go to a d h d b p a, or you can go to my website, ingershaye.com, and you can link to it from there.
Patricia Sung [00:43:51]:
And do you have anything else going on that we need to know about?
IngerShaye Colzie [00:43:53]:
I always have stuff going on. You know that? So I have a group for black women with ADHD, professional black women with ADHD. It's called the sisterhood. We meet and we talk about all things for black women with ADHD, give some accountability, some camaraderie and community, and some lessons on ADHD because, you know, it's everywhere with us. And I too am often surprised. It's like, yeah. That's your ADHD. Oh, yeah.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:44:19]:
It is. So that's the sisterhood. You know, I always have my one to one coaching and starting a course. I just don't have a date for it, but really about being a professional black woman with ADHD. You know, the kind of barriers and strengths that we have, like the barriers of race and gender and cultural norms that affect us at work, but then the superpower strengths that we have in the society that we're living in. So it's all a lot. So I haven't kinda figured out the date, but it should be coming up
Patricia Sung [00:44:49]:
soon. Awesome. Well, whenever it's ready, let me know. I'll drop it in the show notes. We'll be there.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:44:54]:
Oh, yeah. Okay. I always have one. Let me just tell you. There's a Facebook group for black women with ADHD called black women with ADHD executives and entrepreneurs. And so that's probably the easiest way besides all the other socials where I'm IngerShaye, @IngerShaye. That's the easiest place to kinda find me or and find a group. If you wanna find a community, there's one there too.
Patricia Sung [00:45:15]:
Okay. I'm like, I had more questions for you, and we're just gonna have to talk again because I didn't even I didn't even get to half the stuff on my list because I got excited about what we're talking about. But I want moms to know that, like, it is okay to raise your kids in the way that fits you and them best. And that's, like, the most important thing that I got out of our conversation today is taking care of both yourself and your kids can look different, but is incredibly important. So I don't wanna wrap up without doing our lightning round questions. So you just fill in the blank. You don't have to explain anything, and then we'll wrap up. So
IngerShaye Colzie [00:45:50]:
Go up with that. You know how much I like to talk. I know. I'm always ahead.
Patricia Sung [00:45:53]:
Yeah. Now we're wrapping up, and then I keep talking. I'm like, no. That's like my Achilles heel of podcasting. And I'm always like, but I didn't ask you about energy management. I know it's something you're really good at, but I but, you know, another day.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:46:06]:
Part
Patricia Sung [00:46:06]:
2. K. Number 1, the best thing that I've read or listened to recently is?
IngerShaye Colzie [00:46:12]:
Trisha, I listen to so many things. I was listening to, my, actually, my coach's podcast, Translating ADHD.
Patricia Sung [00:46:20]:
Alright. Number 2, my most boring about me fact is?
IngerShaye Colzie [00:46:25]:
That's hard. I'm not you see me, I'm not really boring. That, actually, I like to spend more time alone than people would ever know.
Patricia Sung [00:46:34]:
Mhmm. Number 3. When I'm having a rough day, my go to quote song, poem, book, podcast activity, whatever is.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:46:42]:
When I'm having a bad day, a, to be like, it's okay if you're having a bad day. And, 2, usually, like, get some sleep, like, lay down. Because for me, it's usually that I'm doing too much.
Patricia Sung [00:46:54]:
Isn't that true? Okay. Number 4. Don't tell anyone I
IngerShaye Colzie [00:46:58]:
I don't know. I'm I'm so I live so out loud. I don't even know. I don't know. It's probably something really bad in my past that I knew nobody needs to know. So I don't know.
Patricia Sung [00:47:15]:
Number 5. If I had a magic fairy wand for one spell, I would?
IngerShaye Colzie [00:47:20]:
I would take the shame away from every person, especially every woman, about ADHD. I would take that shame spiral away from us because we don't deserve it.
Patricia Sung [00:47:34]:
And number 6, my best piece of advice for mamas with ADHD is
IngerShaye Colzie [00:47:39]:
To you know, as we say, like, the just the whole gist of this, that, a, that this is a real condition. Right? No matter what anybody says, it is real. It's diagnosable. And, to be okay with if this is what's actually happening for you and your child, it's okay. And once you can be okay with it, then you can figure out the ways that you want to be able to handle it. So acceptance is the key to you having a good life and for your kid to have a good life with ADHD.
Patricia Sung [00:48:09]:
Well, thank you so much for being here. I so appreciate your honesty and vulnerability, and I appreciate it. Thank you so much.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:48:17]:
Oh, thank you for having me. I'm so excited that we did this.
Patricia Sung [00:48:20]:
Me too. It's been a long time coming.
IngerShaye Colzie [00:48:22]:
Yeah.
Patricia Sung [00:48:23]:
For more resources, classes, and community, head over to my website, motherhoodinadhd.com.