Host an Easy, ADHD-Friendly Party or Playdate #249
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But my baseboards haven’t been dusted in 3 years!
I can’t let them see my doom piles!
It’s way too much work!
If these kinds of reasons pop into your head whenever you think of hosting, this episode is for you!
On today’s episode, I’m sharing a discussion from Successful Mama Meetups on how to make entertaining easy and ADHD friendly.
It’s time to have that new friend over for a playdate or host that holiday get together you’ve been wanting to have for the last decade.
Links mentioned in this episode:
New free workshop alert!
Join me in my upcoming workshop: The ADHD Anti-Anxiety Workshop.
In under an hour, I'll teach you how to —
>> use 1 simple movement to disrupt growing anxiety so you can avoid a total shutdown
>> save yourself the embarrassment of panicking in public with a subtle move to pull yourself together
>> stop anxiety in its tracks quickly and easily with repeatable skills so peace can be yours long term
Just this one time, I’ll be offering the ADHD Anti-Anxiety Workshop live at no cost. It’ll come back in February as a paid course.
Sign up today: patriciasung.com/workshop
Patricia Sung [00:00:00]:
Do you wanna have friends over, but know that your house is in no way, shape, or form suitable for visitors? You can find a way to host and still make it ADHD friendly. Having friends over doesn't have to be another long list of things for your to do list. Let's dive in. Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy? You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get you, mama. Parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life, creatively, lovingly, and with all our might.
Patricia Sung [00:00:50]:
When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well. At the end of the day, we just wanna be good moms. But, spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama. You can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story, and I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD. Hey there, successful mama. It's your friend, Patricia Sung.
Patricia Sung [00:01:25]:
Today, we are talking about entertaining. Some people are gifted at being the most wonderful hosts. I am not that person. I have had to learn this skill. It is not something that came innate to me, And I happen to marry somebody who definitely has that gift. So I have had to learn how to do this because he's always inviting people over. And when we first got married, it felt really stressful. So I have had to figure out how do I make this work because my extroverted husband is going to continue to invite people over.
Patricia Sung [00:01:57]:
And I feel like I'm kinda getting the hang of it. I will sometimes forget to offer people a drink when they first show up. Sometimes it takes me a minute. But now I truly enjoy having people over. And, honestly, it's actually a little bit easier for me because then I don't have to figure out a babysitter, and I can do it all from the comfort of my own home. But here's the thing. It doesn't have to be that way. So we were talking about this topic this summer in successful mom up meetups.
Patricia Sung [00:02:22]:
So I want to share with you what we talked about back in July, which still applies today as we're going into the holidays. Yes. Sometimes I might be mentioning summer things in this clip, but you can still apply the same philosophy to going into the holidays when we want to be spending time with the people that we care about. So how do we make it ADHD friendly? How do we make it easy to spend time with the people that we either care about or want to get to know? That was stemmed from one of the moms saying she moved to a new place. She wanted to, like, get to know this other mom, and she's like, but my house is still a mess. We're not finished unpacking. There's dust everywhere. Like, the baseboards aren't clean.
Patricia Sung [00:03:00]:
How do I grow friendships when I don't feel like my house is up to snuff? So if this is you, take a listen and think about how you can make spending quality time with the people that you wanna hang out with easy, simple, and enjoyable. Entertaining doesn't have to be another long list of things on your to do list. So I hope you enjoy this clip from successful mama meetups, and find a way to make entertaining in this season something that's totally doable for you.
Patricia Sung [00:03:30]:
Okay. Here's what we're talking about today. When we think about entertaining, a lot of times we get focused on, like, my house isn't clean enough, or like all the things that come up of, like, that sounds too hard. How am I gonna keep on top of that? This isn't like what I'm good at, or whatever the things that you say that I'm saying in my head, Like, I always thought that being hospitable was not really my talent. Like, I was the person who would forget to offer people a drink, and my husband's like, did you ask them if they want something to drink? I'm like, that did not even cross my mind at all. And then I felt bad. And so I felt like this isn't I'm not good at this. So then I thought I shouldn't have people over because clearly I'm not good at it.
Patricia Sung [00:04:06]:
Or if I'm doing that, then I should have it should be like when my husband's there because he's really good at that. Like, he's the one who's like, do we have cheese and crackers? Like, that's his gifting. Like, he is an excellent host. He's the one who's like, oh, you're walking by in the neighborhood. Just come on over. Knock on the door. Like and I'm like, what if I have underwear drying on the drying rack in the middle of the living room? Like, those are the kind of things that I panic and think about, and my husband's just like, come on over. Okay.
Patricia Sung [00:04:34]:
So I have learned to be adaptable over the years. And I want to, like, extend that flexibility to you of, like, we're gonna approach this in a way that's different. Like, yes, we're gonna do a bunch of idea sharing at the end, but at this beginning part that we're thinking about it, I'm gonna ask you to think about this in a different way because I had to think about it in a different way for me to be okay with it. So let me stop talking in circles and jump on in. So when I, like, started brainstorming, like, what am I talking about today? I looked at the definition of hospitality, which is the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers. And I was like, okay. Reception. Immediately, like, the thing that comes to mind is, like, a wedding reception.
Patricia Sung [00:05:15]:
But it actually means, like, to welcome and celebrate somebody. So we think about the idea of hospitality being friendly and generous reception, a friendly and generous way to welcome someone, to celebrate them, for them to have a good time, like, in my presence, then all of a sudden it went from the important thing is not that I remember to, like, offer them beverage upon entering. The important thing is that they felt welcome. They felt that it was like a friendly place that they were, like, welcome to be here and, like, be in my space, in my presence, like, how do I make people feel when they're here? Yes. Of course, it is lovely to have be offered a glass of something and a snack, but that's not the only way to welcome somebody. It doesn't like, when we think about entertaining, it doesn't have to fit in this specific box of, like, entertaining only means I got out my fine china that I got as a wedding present and have not yet used in the 13 years that I've been married, and I have all the little canapes and all these French words for snacks and, like, that it's very, like, rigid and it has to be perfect. If the idea of hospitality is only that I have to have this, like, perfect better homes and gardens idea, then I'm never gonna do it. Absolutely not.
Patricia Sung [00:06:28]:
Like, that's way too much pressure. That's too much anxiety for me. I'm not gonna do that. And, like, if this is your thing and you were like, give me all the canapes. How many fancy tablescapes can I create? Go for it. Then that is gonna be what's important to you when you're entertaining. But for me, I realized it's not that. What it is is that I want people to feel really welcome and that like, the whole point to me is, like, how do I build relationships with people? How do I build friendships? How do I make people feel comfortable with me in my home and that we can have these really deep conversations.
Patricia Sung [00:07:00]:
Like, I don't wanna talk about the weather with you. I wanna be like, hello. Tell me all of your deep seated traumas. Let's discuss. How can we solve the world's problems today? Like, that is my kind of conversation. And, yes, not everybody's gonna like that because some people are like, thank you. I'm just gonna put all those in a box and never deal with my problems. I am not interested, and that's okay.
Patricia Sung [00:07:20]:
But, like, they probably are not my people. Like, I want to attract and welcome in the people who are my kind of people, and my gift is, like, deep thoughtful conversations in a small group, 1 on 1, you know, maybe 2 or 3. I have hosted a party with 100 of people. I did it was terrible. I hated it. That's not my thing. So I wanna call in the people who I want to spend time with, and the people who are going to like me as I am are probably the people who are gonna be like, hello. Nice to meet you.
Patricia Sung [00:07:49]:
Let me tell you about all of my family problems. Like, this is my kind of people. And by the giggles, some of you are like, hello. Either you're laughing at me because I you know, I do that, or you're like, yes. I wanna have that same conversation. Like, I want to know you. Please stop telling me about how it's been raining all week in Houston. Like and if it doesn't have to be, like, deep family drama, it might be like, I want to discuss The Bachelorette.
Patricia Sung [00:08:13]:
Have you seen this season? I saw her on, Good Morning America, and I was like, they have an Asian lady. I'm very excited. Like, is this your thing? Like, do you want to dive deep into, like, I have a friend who's, like, super into memes, and he's got a meme from every every occasion. Like, that's his, like, love language is sending memes. Like or are you calling in the people that you really wanna be friends with and that wanna be friends with you? Like, how do I make space for that? So when we look at entertaining, it's not fancy canapes and tablescapes. It is 2 things. Like, my goal for you today is to know these 2 things. Number 1 is what's the goal for you to host? Like, why are you hosting? Why do you wanna have these people in your presence? And then 2, how do we take the parameters of, like, what that looks like to be successful and make them easy? So those are our two goals.
Patricia Sung [00:09:01]:
Why am I doing this? Why do I even wanna have people, like, in my presence? And then how do I make that easy? So we're gonna dive in there. So first question is, do you have, like, a minute if you wanna journal it, if you wanna type it in your phone notes? Like, why do you wanna host people? What's the point? What is your underlying core value that you want to spend time with these people? Like, why? What's the goal? And thinking about, like, what does success look like? So like I told you, like, my goal is to cultivate deep relationships. I wanna have good conversations. That's why I have people over to my house is I wanna hang out with you and talk. And preferably, like, our kids are all running around in the backyard, like, catching frogs so that I can have a conversation with you. Like, that's a plus. That's my goal. How do I have a really great conversation with you?
Patricia Sung [00:09:49]:
Anxiety can be debilitating. And oftentimes, it's obvious, stage fright, Heights, claustrophobia, panic attacks. But anxiety can also be subtle when you can't fall asleep at night thinking about your sick parent or your teen who's struggling making friends. It can be helicoptering around your toddler at the playground or not listening to your partner because you're in your mind spiraling about your kid's school struggles. People with ADHD can hyperfocus on these worries to the point where your worry takes center stage. But what you really want to be is present in the moment, more carefree, feeling lighter, having that space and the freedom to be the fun mom that you thought you would be. If you're ready to feel more relaxed and calm every day, join me in my upcoming event, the ADHD Anti Anxiety Workshop. In less than an hour, I will teach you 3 ways to stop anxiety in its tracks.
Patricia Sung [00:10:40]:
It's time to let go of the grip anxiety has on your happiness, and for you to step into the main character role of your everyday life. Cherry on top, it's free for now. It will be a paid course shortly after, so sign up while there's still no charge. Head over to patriciasung.com/workshop, and sign up for this event. Now, if it is after the event, still head over to that link. It'll have the information on how to get the workshop, and see whatever new workshop I have coming for free. Again, that's patriciasung.com/workshop. It's time to say no to worry.
Patricia Sung [00:11:15]:
The workshop is taking place on January 23rd, that's a Thursday, at 11 AM CST, which is noon EST.
Patricia Sung [00:11:25]:
Secondarily, like, now that my kids are in elementary school, it's how do I find friendships for them that fit them, and that they can start to build, like, good friendships. And that they don't need 53 friends, but they need, like, 1, maybe 2 good friends. So that's my goal is how do I cultivate a great talk with somebody, and how do I find friends for my kids that they like. So I'm gonna give you about a minute to just jot down, like, for you, what's your goal? What's the point? Like, why are we doing this? What do you want out of it? And then give you a minute or so. I'll just kinda watch your faces. And when you look like you're done making notes, I'll go to question 2. Okay. Go for it.
Patricia Sung [00:11:58]:
What's the point? And I'll, here, I'll drop these questions that I just asked into the chat too if you like to be able to read them. Okay. Yeah. I see most of you look like you have stopped making notes, so I'm gonna keep going. Okay. Then second part of this question is the parameters that would meet this version of success. So, like, when we think about what your goal is and then, like, I'll just use mine as an example because I didn't actually ask anybody else what they thought, which if we had more time, I would do that. When I think about the kind of, like, gatherings that I wanna have deep conversation with, like, think about things like, do I wanna have a large gathering or small gathering? Probably a small one.
Patricia Sung [00:12:44]:
Like, does it matter to me that we have snacks or drinks or a full meal or a potluck or, like, no food at all just show up? Like, is that important? Does anything there, like, fit that better? And not necessarily to be, like, a rule, but, like, is this important to you, and does this meet your goal of, like, for me, having deep conversations and relationships with people? Things like the location, like, is it important to you to have people in your home? For some people, it is. Like, having a really hospitable home and welcoming home matters. You might be able to have, like, just as good of a deep conversation with somebody on the bench at the park by the playground as your couch. So, like, is that a necessity? Because that takes away the whole, like, oh my gosh. My house isn't clean enough. I haven't put the stop away. Blah blah blah. Like, does it have to be at your house? Like, is that a requirement for you to feel like you're being a good hostess, or can you meet them at story time at the library and then go to the park afterwards? Thinking about, like, do you care about ambiance? Do you wanna have decorations and fine china out? Or, like, are you good with paper plates or you really don't care? Does having an RSVP help? Like, if you're like, I love all the people, and please bring them all to my party.
Patricia Sung [00:13:50]:
Like, do you need to know how many people are coming? Does that make you feel more supported to know that there's 10 people coming or 37 people coming or just you? Do you like things that are a specific start time? Like, are you gonna be anxiously sitting at the park at 9 o'clock because nobody showed up at 9:01? Or are you like, cool. Just be here whenever. I will be at the park for 2 hours, and people can come and they go, like, as they please. What are the things that are going to make you feel like it's working towards that vision of success and, like, what you're trying to do here? So, again, I'm gonna give you one minute to think through things like, do you care about where it is, who's coming, when they're coming? Does any of that matter to you? And it may not. You might get to the bottom of this and be like, none of this matters to me. I don't have to do any of these things, and that's cool too. But to know, like, I really don't have to worry about whether or not I have snacks on hand just takes away all that overthinking. Okay.
Patricia Sung [00:14:37]:
One minute to think about what are the parameters that would help you find the kind of event that would make you feel like this is successful. Okay. So as you're thinking about this, Rhiannon had a good question about, like, what if I'm more worried about people just stopping in? So, like, the second part of this is, like, you know, we wanna have our house in order so that people can just, like, stop by whenever. Like, that feels like you said, like, there's a lot of embarrassment and shame that come when you feel like people can't just stop by. And what I would say is, like, for right now, if the goal is spending more time with people and your house does not feel conducive to that, for right now, I would say just focus on ways that you can have quality time with people in a place that doesn't feel that, like, the shame and embarrassment that comes with your house. So, like, can you find ways to meet with them now that are not in the house? And then getting your house in the place where you feel like, I do feel like anybody per click can stop by would be something farther down the road, and we can get there. They don't have to be intertwined. They don't have to be mutually exclusive.
Patricia Sung [00:15:49]:
Like, we put these rules on ourself. Like, I can't host guest togethers because my house isn't up to par, but it doesn't have to be. Like, how can we pull those apart and say, like, can we host in some other way that doesn't have the house requirement? Because, like, getting our house together is a big project, and we can get there. Like, I'm there now. If you had just shown up on my doorstep, like, when I was 28 years old, I would have died. Please don't. It's a hot mess. But, like, now, like, because being hospitable and hosting is a very important, like, family value of ours, per my husband, introverts or he's an extrovert.
Patricia Sung [00:16:22]:
I'm a introvert. But, like, now we have our house in a place where, like, anybody can stop by, and, like, there's a there is still stuff from backpacks at the end of the school year in my kitchen y'all. But, like, it's not to the point where, like, oh my gosh. Maybe you shouldn't come over. Like, I'm people live here. Sorry. And I think it's like a double not double edged sword. What's the word I'm looking for? Like, what's 2 pieces of, like, on one hand, I just care a lot less about what people think of me.
Patricia Sung [00:16:48]:
So it makes it easier that I don't care that there are backpacks still hanging on the back of my kids' chairs in the kitchen that have not been cleaned out since May. But, also, like, my house is in, like, general okayness is what I, like, would call it. Like, it's not great. There's a lot of stuff piled up that needs to get dealt with, but, like, it's doable. And we have a space in our house, which I was gonna mention in the next section. Like, there's a space in our house that's, like, functionable for people. Like, one of my things is, like, in the living room, all the toys have to be put away regularly. So, like, my living room, you can come sit in my living room.
Patricia Sung [00:17:19]:
You can sit on a chair. There are probably toys. There's probably a dinosaur scene on the coffee table and a stack of library books this high, but, like, everybody can sit and everybody can walk in. My kitchen's kind of a hot mess right now, but, like, it's doable. And so, like, I have those rules set for myself where, like, I'm okay if somebody were to come over. Like, you can sit down. You're not gonna step on any LEGOs on the way from the front door to the living room. You go into the playroom, a lot of LEGOs, a lot of hazards.
Patricia Sung [00:17:45]:
It's a minefield. Don't go in there if you don't wanna step on LEGO. But, like, I have those sections of house that are functionable. So it's like the combination of 1, I care less about what people think. 2, there's, like, the bare minimum of what's okay and people can enter. And then 3, like, getting your house to a place eventually where you do feel like that's doable for you. So, like, that was a very long winded answer to this question. Did I answer it? Okay.
Patricia Sung [00:18:08]:
Alright. I should have told you at the beginning. I have, like, a sinus thing and a lot of snot. And so sometimes I get the end of talking, and I'm like, did I answer the question? It's kinda like ADHD level expanded expert level with the snot. I feel like I'm like, whoo. It's a it's a lot of snot and a lot of thinking that doesn't happen. Okay. Question 3.
Patricia Sung [00:18:29]:
So as we think about all these things that you've set out, like, what's the most important thing? How can we make that successful? Then it's, like, how do we take that and just make it super easy and simple for you? And this is where I want you to start thinking outside of the box. Always circle back to the value. Always circle back to, like, what matters most to you, but taking away, like, but it has to be in my house. I have to clean the baseboards first, and I have to have, like, a full meal serve. Like, can we throw away some of those rules that we think we have to do and find a place that makes sense for us? So, like, things for me are, like, I only host small gatherings. Like, I would say probably about 5 families is, like, the max, but really I'd prefer to just be with, like, one family, maybe 2. If there's a lot of people coming, I'm not cooking. I hope I don't have to cook when anybody's coming over because that's very stressful to me.
Patricia Sung [00:19:14]:
Like, the trying to not burn the things and also have people over is too much for me. So I know that, like, if I'm gonna have people over, I'm either gonna order in. My husband can make something. There's 15 other ways, but I don't wanna be the one cooking. That does not sound fun to me. So I don't wanna cook if people are coming over. That's way too much stress for me. Other things that I do to help are, like, I have on hand paper plates, cups, blah dee blah, like, from Costco are always here.
Patricia Sung [00:19:37]:
So if we have food, those things always live here. I don't have to, like, make sure I bought them. We always have crackers. We usually have a pack of those, like, premade lunch meaty things in the freezer, and you can just unfreeze them when someone comes over. So it's like, lunchables. Like, at Costco, like, you can cut them in sections. Like, you don't have to take the whole thing. You have to open the whole thing there in, like, pieces.
Patricia Sung [00:19:58]:
And so then you have some little meats, those cheeses that your kids eat with the wax around them or those the baby bells. Like, you can have these, like, easy grab snacks that you can put out. I already told you that one. I try to schedule things in the 2nd week of my cycle into, like, the early 3rd week where I know I'm gonna be in a good mood, because I don't want you to come over when I'm close to my period. Would it feel helpful to you to have, like, a regular park date on Tuesday mornings where, like, like, it's already decided for you that, like, this is what you're doing so you don't have to think about it. Like, hey. From now to the end of the summer, every week, Tuesdays at 9 AM, I'm gonna be at the park. You can come hang out with me.
Patricia Sung [00:20:36]:
One thing that Steph shared when we were doing that transition to summer talk, she said she put together a list. She made it cute on Canva of, like, here's all the things we wanna do for summer, and she would text it to all her friends and be like, who wants to do well with us? Like and it was like, do you wanna go to, like, the zoo? Like, go berry picking? Like, it was like I don't know. Probably, like, 25 things on this list. And one of them was, like, make tie dye in the backyard, and, like, one of them was make muffins or something. Like, she had this whole list of, like, 20 something things, send it to everybody, and just said, tell me when you wanna do it and when you're available. So she, like, kicked it off, but then she, like, gave the responsibility to everybody else to say, like, I wanna do this or, like, hey. I can do this on July 24th. Are you available? So I I love that idea.
Patricia Sung [00:21:20]:
And I'm pretty sure she put it in the Slack group if you wanna, like, look at what she did. But I'm gonna open it up to you. Like, what are the things that you do to make hosting really easy for you and, like, share away, and we'll just we'll just chitchat. What works? But it's a that's a good point of, like, sometimes these conversations can be really hard, and we start thinking about the things that make us sad. And on one hand, I'm like, I see you. It's hard. Like, when we start talking about things that are hard for us, like, it brings up all this other stuff and things show up that we didn't expect, and that's what makes us human. So it's okay to think, like, oh, I came in thinking this is gonna be a fun conversation, and all of a sudden I'm sad.
Patricia Sung [00:21:57]:
But there is so much more to this, and that's part of the conversation I wanted to have too is, like, this does unearth a lot of other stuff, and it could be things like when we were talking about, like, Brianna's question earlier of, like, all of a sudden, now we're thinking about, like, but look at my house, and, like, that's a whole project. And, like, it's a whole another rabbit hole for us to go down. So it's not just like, oh, am I organized enough to, like, remember to buy crackers and cheese at the grocery store? It's like, it comes with so many layers. And that's part of the conversations, like, I want you guys having here too of, like, it's not just the surface things. It's like there's so much more that comes with it. And, like, all of a sudden, it could be, like, memories from your childhood of, like, parents who weren't, you know, supportive or, like, the mother who was super neurotic and made you clean everything before people could come over. Like, all of a sudden, all of their stuff comes up and knowing, like, while this topic seems, like, fun and fluffy, like, we're full people. And our ADHD or whatever other things you're dealing with are all layered in there too, and it's okay to just be like, this is not something I wanna do right now.
Patricia Sung [00:22:59]:
It's okay to be like, this isn't where we're at right now, Or, like, for sure, we're only gonna have people over elsewhere, not at our house. Like, I want you to make this fit what you need so that you can meet that, like, initial goal value that you set out. Like, for me, it's like having those quality conversations with people. That's the most important thing. So we can like, how can we look at those, like, rules and the things that we set up for ourselves and let those go and get the main goal, which is having those quality conversations. And know that, like, we're humans, and this is hard. And let me give you a big Zoom hug from over here. Yeah.
Patricia Sung [00:23:41]:
Life's complicated. That's why we have people we like to talk to to talk to about it. So, big hugs y'all.
Patricia Sung [00:23:50]:
I'm taking the week off next week for Thanksgiving here in the US. So enjoy this time with your family or the people that you call family. And I'll see you in December. Talk to you soon, successful mama. For more resources, classes, and community, head over to my website, motherhoodinadhd.com.