ADHD in Motherhood from the Failing Motherhood Podcast with Danielle Bettman #254
Click the triangle to play this episode or scroll down to read:
Meet my friend Danielle, host of the Failing Motherhood Podcast. In this episode, Danielle and I chat about the ups and downs of being a mom with ADHD.
Danielle shares:
"You can't have ADHD! You have a master's degree!"
... and other misconceptions about ADHD. Whether you've been diagnosed, related to the memes, or have a child that's been diagnosed... this episode is for you!
Patricia Sung, Adult ADHD coach and host of Motherhood in ADHD, is here to share her journey into diagnosis, understanding her unique brain, and empowering other moms to do the same.
We normalize the struggle, share new insights, and reflect on the powerful act of breaking cycles.
In this episode, we covered...
--Common traits and misconceptions of ADHD beyond being forgetful
--Her go-to tools for managing anger while parenting
--Ways to work WITH your ADHD to boost your self-compassion as a parent
And don’t miss…
--The double-edged sword that is having family with ADHD
Positive-Discipline certified parenting coach, Danielle Bettmann, empowers parents to crack the code of their strong-willed child's personality, meet their deepest core needs to improve their behavior, and find new levels of patience. An early childhood educator, certified teacher and home visitor, Danielle now equips parents from all over the world with over Zoom!
Instead of inadvertently inviting defiance by using traditional tools or playing "whack-a-mole" with short-sighted reactions, families get on the same page and learn how to cultivate cooperation while being KIND + FIRM at the same time! Host of the well-loved podcast, Failing Motherhood, she's passionate about eliminating shame from parents' vocabulary, reminding them they are the parent their kids need. She is also a mom to two daughters, wife of 15 years to her high-school sweetheart, and an avid fan of sunshine and coffee.
Be sure to subscribe to the Failing Motherhood Podcast!
Danielle’s website
Danielle’s instagram
Danielle’s LinkedIn
Welcome to the Best Of Friends Series, where you are meeting a few of my friends in the podcast community. I’m sharing interviews that I have done on other friends’ podcasts. Not only do you get a new episode, I hope that you’ll find a few shows to add to your podcast queue.
There’s a wide variety of topics coming your way, so keep an eye out for a new friend each week this January.
New workshop alert!
Stop anxiety in its tracks!
Join me in my upcoming workshop: The ADHD Anti-Anxiety Workshop.
In under an hour, I'll teach you how to —
>> use 1 simple movement to disrupt growing anxiety so you can avoid a total shutdown
>> save yourself the embarrassment of panicking in public with a subtle move to pull yourself together
>> stop anxiety in its tracks quickly and easily with repeatable skills so peace can be yours long term
Cherry on top - it’s free. For now. Sign up today: patriciasung.com/workshop
Patricia Sung [00:00:02]:
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water?
Patricia Sung [00:00:06]:
Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy? You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get you, mama. Parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life, creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well. At the end of the day, we just wanna be good moms. But, spoiler alert, you are already a great mom.
Patricia Sung [00:00:52]:
ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama. You can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story, and I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung [00:01:06]:
Hey there, successful mama. It's your friend, Patricia Sung. While I am on break for the next few weeks, I am bringing you some friends. This is my best of friends episode, and these are all interviews that I've done for other people's podcasts. First of all, thank you to these hosts for sharing their episode with us. And I want you to go in the show notes and see where do you find them? Go listen to their other episodes. Put their show in your queue, in your download list so that you have an extra friend to hang out with when you're cleaning or on a walk or riding in the car. Every time I am interviewed, I find myself often sharing very similar things, but there's always some nuances and new things that, oh my, wow.
Patricia Sung [00:01:46]:
I have never shared that before. I've never talked about this in this way. And I can't wait for you to get a new flare and perspective and, a new podcast friend to join you today. So listen in to this episode on a friend's podcast. Go check them out and enjoy this best of friends episode. Here's my episode with Danielle Batman from Failing Motherhood.
Patricia Sung [00:02:09]:
Our day feels very out of control. Like if you're the person who says like, well, I don't know, I just went from 0 to a100, or my kid just went from 0 to a100. Ma'am, no, you did not. You went from 0 to 99 without having any clue. And then 99 to 100, when that one tiny thing happened, that's when you lost your ever loving mind on whoever was close by. It's because we weren't aware of what happened from 0 to 99. A lot of us with ADHD don't have a lot of, like self awareness on how we feel. We don't understand how we feel and the like what's going on within us to know that we are getting closer to 99.
Danielle Bettman [00:02:52]:
Ever feel like you suck at this job? Motherhood, I mean. Have too much anxiety, not enough patience. Too much yelling, not enough play. There's no manual, no village, no guarantees. The stakes are high. We want so badly to get it right. But this is survival mode. We're just trying to make it to bedtime.
Danielle Bettman [00:03:13]:
So if you're full of mom guilt, your temper scares you, you feel like you're screwing everything up and you're afraid to admit any of those things out loud, this podcast is for you. This is Failing Motherhood. I'm Danielle Bettman and each week, we'll chat with a mom ready to be real, sharing her insecurities, her fears, her failures, and her wins. We do not have it all figured out. That's not the goal. The goal is to remind you, you are the mom your kids need. They need what you have, you are good enough, and you're not alone. I hope you pop in earbuds, somehow sneak away, and get ready to hear some hope from the trenches.
Danielle Bettman [00:03:56]:
You belong here, friend. We're so glad you're here. Hey, it's Danielle. If you've been here a while, you know I specialize in supporting parents whose child struggles with things like emotion regulation, impulse control, high highs and low lows, high levels of sensitivity, sensory preferences, some anxiety and or demand avoidance, and yet remains relatively high functioning in school while falling apart at home, holding everyone hostage to their mood where it's their way or the highway. If you feel like your child fits that bill and is strong willed, they got those traits from somewhere, either you or your partner. So whether you've been diagnosed with ADHD or have related to the memes, have a child that is diagnosed with ADHD, or just know you struggle with things like emotion regulation and anxiety yourself, this episode is for you. Patricia Sung helps moms with adult ADHD work with their unique brains and get their ish together one step at a time and feel more confident running their family life. She hosts the podcast Motherhood and ADHD, encouraging moms with practical strategies and relatable missteps.
Danielle Bettman [00:05:12]:
She's a hobby hopping, anxious adventurer willing to try almost anything once. A Midwesternerner at heart, she now lives in Houston with her husband and her 2 young sons. And in our conversation today, Patricia shares her journey of her diagnosis, the quantitative and qualitative symptoms of ADHD, and practical strategies that have made all the difference in her life as a mom. She speaks to exactly what ADHD is and isn't and debunks the common misconceptions, like if you have a master's degree, you can't have ADHD. She breaks down her go to tools for managing anger while parenting, and I share mine as well. And best of all, we share all the good, the ying to the yang, of the incredible ways you can work with your ADHD to boost your self compassion, self esteem, and confidence as a parent. And I secretly brought Patricia on to Trailing Motherhood in an effort to open more parents' eyes to the realization that they and maybe even their child may have ADHD. A lot of the families I work with have gotten evaluations for their child already and have come back that the symptoms aren't in a treatable range or they wanna do everything they can to support their child before considering medication.
Danielle Bettman [00:06:22]:
So I'm here to support you in the meantime until they get diagnosed if they do end up getting diagnosed at all. I can't wait to hear your thoughts after listening to this episode. Here is my conversation with Patricia. Welcome to Failing Motherhood. My name is Danielle Bettman. And on today's episode, I'm joined by Patricia Sung. Thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it.
Danielle Bettman [00:06:51]:
Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. Of course. So just real quick, who are you and who's in your family?
Patricia Sung [00:06:58]:
So I am an ADHD coach for moms. I'm a former teacher turned, just teacher for grown ups now, teacher for moms. And I help moms figure out how to live well with ADHD, how to enjoy motherhood, how to feel like you're not failing every day. And I am married, and I have 2 boys. They are 69. 69.
Danielle Bettman [00:07:19]:
Okay. Awesome. My girls are, 10 and 11 right now. Super, super close in age. I know I would be willing to guess that a lot of my listeners are either ADHD diagnosed or suspecting or don't know it yet because I feel like there's a huge Venn diagram overlap between moms with ADHD and moms who feel like they're failing motherhood. So I love to always just kind of make our guests relatable from minute one of our interviews. So have you ever felt like you were failing motherhood?
Patricia Sung [00:07:53]:
Pretty pretty much every day. All of them. The all of the above. Yes.
Danielle Bettman [00:07:58]:
All of the above.
Patricia Sung [00:07:59]:
Yeah. I think from the start, I had a really hard postpartum season, I guess you could say, with my first. I had a really awful postpartum anxiety. I had DMARE, which if you're not familiar is, like, when you're breastfeeding, when your let done happens, there's a lot of emotional issues driven by hormones. It was really awful. I mean, from from the start, it was hard. And I think as moms, when we care a lot, we put so much pressure on ourselves, which means we feel like we're not doing enough or we could be doing this and we're always comparing ourselves to what our ideal would be. So I think, yeah, unfortunately, I worry about that a lot.
Patricia Sung [00:08:43]:
And I'm really glad that I've learned the skills to be able to pull out of those thoughts spirals. But man, it is so hard. They don't they don't give you that warning. No. When you start, like they say it's hard and you're like, I didn't really get the level of hard that you all were discussing.
Danielle Bettman [00:09:00]:
Right? I don't think anyone does. It's hard. Yeah. You have no idea what
Patricia Sung [00:09:04]:
you're sending it for. And If you did, honestly, I don't think a lot of us would do it if we knew how hard it was to start with because it is it's that level of difficulty. And we do it because we love our kids, but it is it you can't explain it to somebody ahead of time. I get I get why they didn't tell me because I wouldn't have gotten it. But Right. It's hard.
Danielle Bettman [00:09:26]:
Right. 100%. And being neurodivergent adds a whole another layer to that. So start from the beginning with how you ended up becoming diagnosed.
Patricia Sung [00:09:38]:
So we're gonna rewind the tape back. That's how old I am. I was diagnosed in the year 2000, my freshman year of college. So I went from being a very excellent student all the way through school, National Honor Society. I went to Tulane, which is a very hard school to get into. I was on a, like, a scholarship for my grades, and I almost failed out my 1st semester, because I didn't realize that I didn't have all of the skills and strategies in place that I thought I did. Like a lot of women get diagnosed when there's a large life change or when there is a large hormonal change. You'll see a lot of diagnosis when girls hit puberty, matressants, which is having a baby, like being a mom, all those hormones, into perimenopause and menopause.
Patricia Sung [00:10:26]:
And then you'll also see a lot of women get diagnosed or notice that there are a whole lot more problems when you also have those big life changes, like when for young girls switching from elementary to middle or middle to high school, high school to university, finishing school, going to get your own job or making a huge like career shift or getting married. Anytime you have these big changes in life where all of a sudden your past habits, strategies, skills are no longer seamlessly fitting into your new setup of life. That's when a lot of us get either diagnosed or just the doo doo hits the fan a whole bunch that we're like, this is not this is happening. Yeah. So for me, it was moving into university and being like, Oh, I am now responsible for getting up in the morning like my mom is not there to wake me up from I'm like the living dead when I sleep. And a lot of people with ADHD have sleep issues. And, you know, unfortunately, back in in 2000, we did not know all the stuff that we know now. And so they really just thought it was like, Oh, well, here's some medicine to take when you study.
Patricia Sung [00:11:27]:
Good luck. And the support that I got from the professionals was helpful, but really were the best support I got was from another student. She was a law student and took me under her wing and showed me how to study and gave me a lot of the skill set that I needed to be able to graduate. So that was like, I mean, I was just really lucky because the doctor I saw when I was falling apart freshman year, I knew like she caught it. And to be honest, like looking back now, I'm like, she probably had ADHD. That's probably she should know. But like, she caught that I had the pattern of issues that made sense. And she's the one who sent me to the student learning center to get diagnosed.
Patricia Sung [00:12:07]:
So I've taken all that over the years and applied it to like, when I used to be a teacher, I used to teach middle school. And, like pulling all these pieces together over the years and being like, oh, that's also related here. And this comes together here. And pulling it all together that now I can like, oh, I can really help moms now because I have the background of 1, I've known about my ADHD for like 24 years. Being a teacher helping people learn about it, having done coaching training, you pull it all together and it's like, oh, okay, we can actually take all these skills and put them together into something useful so that we can live well. But when you don't know what's going on, and you're not diagnosed, or you don't get diagnosed until you're in your 30s or 40s, it really is a rough journey along the way. So I'm like, think that I'm like, oh man, like 13 year old Patricia just could have been so much more supported had we known, but, like, nobody knew to look for that, you know, in the eighties nineties.
Danielle Bettman [00:13:03]:
Especially in girls.
Patricia Sung [00:13:04]:
Mhmm.
Danielle Bettman [00:13:05]:
For sure. So before we get too ahead of ourselves, will you just go ahead for those that are less familiar, just define ADHD and some of its presentations and symptoms?
Patricia Sung [00:13:17]:
So ADHD is a medical diagnosis, and very unfortunately, it is called attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. And there are 2 combination there's 2 different types, but then there's the combo. So you have your hyperactive side, which is the people who present more in an outward way. So if you want to get real technical, you can go look up the DSM 5. That's the book that psychiatrists and doctors use to diagnose and it gives you a list of symptoms. And it's like you have to have at least 6 of these and they have to be present since childhood. And then you are hyperactive. And it's things like, like, that's the typical picture that we have of like the 5 year old boy who's bouncing off the walls and keeps talking and all that that's the hyperactive thing that we stereotypically look at.
Patricia Sung [00:14:02]:
So that's one side. The other presentation is inattentive. And that's where I say that the hyperactivity is inside, where your mind is the hyperactivity part. So this can show up as being disorganized, having trouble prioritizing that you're constantly worrying about things or just feeling like you're behind all the time. The actual symptoms list is all quantitative things that they can measure. So things like you lose your keys a lot. We can measure how often you lose your keys, where we don't see the clear description is in the qualitative things. So for example, a lot of women with ADHD or people who have an attentive type tend to be very anxious, and have a lot of like intrusive thoughts and like a lot of panic attacks and things in that area that are like harder, it's harder to measure somebody who's anxious.
Patricia Sung [00:14:59]:
So this is the like caveat of this checklist is, like, it's all has to be things that scientists can measure for them to put it on here. Then we can have those 2 together called combined type. So you are both hyperactive and inattentive. Generally speaking, women tend to lead more lean more towards inattentive. But that's not to say that there aren't also males who have inattentive. And there's not to say aren't females who have hyperactive or combined like, it's just a it's more frequent on one side or the other. But we all, like, anybody can have any one of them. There's no division on, like, race or class or socioeconomic background or culture or geography.
Patricia Sung [00:15:40]:
Anyone, anywhere can have ADHD, and it can present in any of these formats. Now I have a check sheet on my website that you can download that I call it, like, my, like, real life symptoms. So, like, when they say that you're disorganized, what does it actually look like as a mom or as a woman? As opposed to, like, oh, wait. Yeah. I mean, I do lose my keys quite often. But, like, how do we show up, like, when it says, like, you have trouble prioritizing? A lot of times it gets kinda like lost in the mud. It's like, having trouble prioritizing means like, you know, you walk into the laundry room and you're like, oh, I forgot to put that stuff in the dryer. So you start putting the stuff in the dryer and you're like, oh, I don't have any hangers.
Patricia Sung [00:16:19]:
And so before you finish putting it in the dryer and turning it on, you go get some hangers. And when you get there, you're like, oh, man, I forgot to make the bed and you start making that prioritizing where your your brain just picks whatever it sees first. That's not prioritizing in the way that you want. It's just prioritizing by what showed up next. So it's these kind of ways that when you go to your assessment appointment, and you're asking your doctor like, I think I have ADHD. And they're like, well, you know, how disorganized are you? And you're like, well, I you know what, I'm very good because I have all these systems in place to make sure that my kids permission slips are turned in. And that I put lunch money on the card and like you think about all the things that moms are responsible for. And so then they'll be like, well, you're not very disorganized.
Patricia Sung [00:17:01]:
You must not have ADHD. And that's not true. The question I ask is, well, if I took all your systems away, how would you do with that? And if that just makes you wanna vomit. If you don't have all of your reminders and your systems and your color coded notebooks and the you know, all the things that you've set up to be able to allow you to juggle all those things. That's the difference between like, most people will be like, Oh, well, that would stink. But like, probably most of it would still get that.
Danielle Bettman [00:17:28]:
I'd still be fine. Yeah.
Patricia Sung [00:17:29]:
Versus the person who's like, if you ever lost, like, I have my notebook right here. If you ever lost my notebook, I would be like, what am I doing with my life? I don't know. Because I have systems for everything. And yes, so I'm now a very organized person. But because I figured out the systems that work for me, not because I am naturally a very good organizer. So all that to say, to sum it up, there's 2 different kinds of ADHD plus the combine of the 2. And that the way that we usually think about it is just the stereotype of 1. And for women, it usually stems more in the mood and like losing your temper with your kids and being anxious.
Patricia Sung [00:18:14]:
And there's so much more underlying things that happen that are not as obvious. And that's where I want to be able to help moms and be aware that like, it's not that there's something wrong with you. Because I think when we don't know that there's a reason that like our brain functions differently, we think it's us. We think I'm the problem. I can't stay organized. I'm too lazy. I don't try hard enough. If I could just remember to do all the things.
Patricia Sung [00:18:39]:
Anytime we're beating ourselves up with that language, like, well, if you adjust where you should that frequently, that's when we start to think it's us. And when you know there's a reason for it, it's not an excuse, but it's an explanation, then you can start putting those strategies in place that actually makes sense for your brain. As opposed to like all the advice that you've tried 16 times and never works and how you bought the 15 planners, they're all just collecting dust over here because you only use one page of each one. Like, all that advice that worked for everybody else and you're like, how is it that I've tried 15 systems and none of them work for me? Those are the moms where I'm like, Hello, my people, let's discuss because there are ways out there that can work for us. But we have to filter out all of the advice that's like, this is not realistic for me, that's not happening. We got to filter out all the advice that's like totally ridiculous for moms. The people are like, well, if you have a 5 AM morning routine, you should be a wonderful human. I'm like, you know, I'm doing at 5 AM.
Patricia Sung [00:19:34]:
I'm either really happy that I'm still asleep, or somebody's waking me up because they vomit it. Like, I am not coming here at 5 AM to do Sunrise Yoga. Because there's a toddler like, I'm hungry, a hungry, a hungry Ma hungry. Like that's a different level of advice that I need. So we have to filter out the stuff that doesn't make sense for ADHD. This stuff doesn't make sense for not parents. And look at, like, what's left in the middle there. Absolutely.
Patricia Sung [00:20:01]:
And use that so you can have a very successful life. But don't listen to all those people that don't know what to talk.
Danielle Bettman [00:20:08]:
That's that's basically what I do with parents with some type of neurodivergent kids who, whether they're diagnosed or not, they need to unlearn a lot and take all of the well intentioned advice and unsolicited advice that they're getting and throw it in the garbage and find what actually works for their family and their kid. And that is no small feat, but an absolute breakthrough when you can finally name and feel comfortable and confident with what does work so that you can feel like you can, like, nicely nod at everybody else's advice and, like, you know, take it with absolutely a grain of salt or not at all.
Patricia Sung [00:20:51]:
Exactly.
Danielle Bettman [00:20:52]:
But I feel like there's so many misconceptions and myths with ADHD because it either had a stigma for so long or was just really misunderstood or misdiagnosed or undiagnosed. And there's still, I think, so much work to do in really understanding the whole spectrum of neurodiversity because there is the the things that you said about, like, well, if the doctor says, yeah, you're not late very often, then you must not have it, or you have a master's degree, so you must not have it. But, yeah, I get there an hour early so that I'm not late because I have a system and I'm anxious and, you know, they're all of these things mentally are going through the gymnastics in my head. But I do think that you could speak to a little bit more of kind of those misconceptions or, like, the myths you like to debunk of what either ADHD isn't or what is maybe a healthier understanding that we're starting to understand as a society right now.
Patricia Sung [00:21:47]:
I think you hit a lot of the nails on the head there where it's like, there's so many things that people say like, well, just you have this, so you must not have ADHD or you can do this. So you must not have ADHD. So like, like you said, if you have a master's degree, I know a whole lot of lot like lawyers and doctors and very extremely successful entrepreneurs who have ADHD because they have figured out how to make it work for them.
Danielle Bettman [00:22:15]:
I would argue most entrepreneurs have ADHD.
Patricia Sung [00:22:19]:
I I will not take that bet because that is a true statement. Yep. Like, I mean, I would bet it's north of like 80%, maybe 90%. Because we are the big picture people we think outside the box, we are willing to take more risks than other people.
Danielle Bettman [00:22:34]:
And we just can't fit into the box of someone else's schedule working for us and
Patricia Sung [00:22:39]:
Yeah. And we sometimes we do not follow instructions very well. So working for someone else can be really hard. And also you find in there, like, a lot of times, like we think we understand what the person has asked of us. And so we start to go do it. And then they're like, that is absolutely not what I meant. And then they're upset that you didn't do the thing. And then you're upset because you think they're upset at you.
Patricia Sung [00:23:04]:
And we run into these, like, communication barriers where we thought we had it. And we didn't. And that really beats down on our self esteem.
Danielle Bettman [00:23:15]:
Oh, we're so hard on ourselves.
Patricia Sung [00:23:16]:
Yeah. And I'm like, I'm like, which can of worms am I opening now? Yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna stick with this one that I just opened. This part of ADHD that we don't talk about enough is the idea that there's a lot involved with the emotions and the energy that's not again, not that quantitative thing. The emotional dysregulation is so hard. And what that means is like, our emotions are reactions to what what's going on around us. And some of us, honestly, are not even aware of how much the things around us are affecting the way that we feel and the way that we act. And when we are a more susceptible person to the things going on around us, that makes us feel a lot more out of control. But we can actually do a lot to control the way that we feel about things like not 100%.
Patricia Sung [00:24:11]:
But like, we can do a lot more about, like, how we want to react to a certain thing when we're aware of it. But like, if you're the kind of person who like your partner is in a bad mood, and all of a sudden you're in a bad mood, and you don't even know why you're in a bad mood, but they came in and they're with their bad mood, or like your kids come home from school. And like, I mean, right now we're recording this like close to the start of school and your kids are just like exhausted. And they've held it together all day. And they come home and they just like turn into this tiny tornado of emotion. And then you also are like, well, if you would just put your backpack on the hook and like, when you have that, like, interplay of like, other people's emotions really affect the way that you feel.
Danielle Bettman [00:24:49]:
Or even just the clutter around you. You know, the environment.
Patricia Sung [00:24:52]:
It can be that it can be like, you're frustrated because there's like, there was a lot of traffic and my sweater is too itchy. And like all these things come in, you're like, I'm not even sure why I'm in a bad mood. When all those other things feel like they're controlling our mood instead of us. That is a huge part of ADHD And it's called emotional regulation, like our ability to regulate the way that we feel about things. It is a skill we can develop. But when we have not a lot of times, like we don't even know that we have the ability to make to do anything about that. Like, our day feels very out of control. Because it feels like like if you're the person who says like, well, I don't know, I just went from 0 to 100, or my kid just went from 0 to 100.
Patricia Sung [00:25:32]:
Ma'am, no, you did not. You went from 0 to 99 without having any clue. And then 99 to 100 when that one tiny thing happened, that's when you lost your ever loving mind on whoever was close by. It's because we weren't aware of what happened from 0 to 99. A lot of us with ADHD don't have a lot of, like self awareness on how we feel. And I'm like, that's a whole new soapbox. I'm gonna try not to get on the moment. We don't understand how we feel and the like, what's going on within us to know that we are getting closer to 99.
Patricia Sung [00:26:05]:
So that that one tiny thing that set us off and we're like, oh my gosh, why did I yell at my kid about the purple cup? Like I should have just given him a purple cup. But it's because all that other stuff happened. So when we learn how to be aware of how everything else around us is affecting us, and then what we're gonna do about it. That is a huge skill set for ADHD. But for people who are not diagnosed, a lot of times, we just don't even know that that's a thing. We don't even know that we're being affected by that. And that same lines, we've got rejection sensitivity dysphoria. So a lot of us, like when we hear criticism or even perceived criticism, it really, like, hurts us to the core.
Patricia Sung [00:26:42]:
Like, if you get that vague text, that's like, oh, can we talk later? You know, like, that's it. I'm getting fired. Or that's it. My best friend hates me, or oh my goodness, my partner's gonna yell at me. Like, when we immediately assume that like this disaster has struck. Like, and you start running through like, what are all the things that I possibly could have said to upset them? Why would they want to talk to me later? That, like runaway train of emotions is a real thing. Like we really do feel that intense pain when people say unkind things to us or give us that like, finally, like funny sideways glance and we're like, I think they're mad at me. Like, it really does hurt.
Patricia Sung [00:27:21]:
And that how big the reaction is, in relation to the thing that happened is what gives us a clue that like this isn't just grumpy, tired mom, this can be something more. Because that difference is the part that's hard. And this is the difference of it is the hard part that we can't put on a piece of paper on a checklist. So like all these things with ADHD, and we say like, well, you know, like, it really hurts my feelings when you when you look at me like that. And people are like, why are you looking like, why are you being so sensitive? Why are you getting upset about that? The fact that our reaction was like an 8 to that sideways glance, and somebody else's reaction might be like a 3, like if we're talking like a scale to 1 to 10. These are the ways where like ADHD shows up and we don't know because when somebody says, well, then they kind of give me a side eye, and then they move on with their day. But somebody gives me that side eye, and I'm like spending an hour thinking about why they hate me so much. That's not what everybody else is doing.
Patricia Sung [00:28:17]:
And that's how we know that this isn't just like regular life. And it's the same way of like, when we're struggling as a mom, if everyone else is struggling at a level 3 or 4, and you're over here struggling at level 10. Yes. Everybody struggles. Yes. Everybody loses their keys sometimes. Yes. Everybody thinks being a parent is hard.
Patricia Sung [00:28:34]:
But when your struggle is up here at 8, 9, 10, and everyone else's struggle is like 4, 5, 6. That's a big discrepancy. But everybody's saying it's hard. So you think, again, you think it's you, you think that you're the problem. So when we can put a name to this, we can start to say, Okay, well, let me learn about this. Let me understand it. Let me figure out the skills that fit that. And then you can start moving forward.
Patricia Sung [00:28:58]:
But I think these are the parts that we really don't understand is like, what we talked about originally of like, you can be really smart, you can be really successful. You can also be like, I can't hold down a job, That dichotomy of it not making sense, that's a red flag. We're like, I can hear you know, like, I've had my podcast for 5 years and I can put out a weekly podcast for 5 years. And yet still, I'm like, did I did I do laundry recently? I do laundry all the time. I'm a mom. I do laundry every week. And that's really hard. That dichotomy is what tells us there's the EHD, not your intelligence level, not how much money you have, not where you grew up, not who your parents were.
Patricia Sung [00:29:37]:
Well, actually, my parents were that's a whole lot to do it. But let me get all the temperature. And then the second part of those things that we don't have on paper, things like the emotions, things like the reactions to criticism, the energy management about like how things will just take a lot out of us that we don't realize other people can do a lot easier and it's not as hard on them. Those are the things that we don't talk about enough. And that's where I think most moms are struggling with the mental fatigue and the amount of decisions you have to make. That's where it really becomes hard as a mom.
Danielle Bettman [00:30:06]:
100%. Yeah. So well said. This summer, I actually did talk to my doctor about an ADHD diagnosis, and that was where she had said, oh, you're an entrepreneur? Then most likely you have it. Like, right off the bat, just minute into the conversation. And, you know, I laughed, but it has been absolutely life giving over the last year of really being able to accept that about myself because my brother was diagnosed in high school, 9th grade, I think. And, you know, looking back now, I can I can see it in my parents? I can see it in one of my kids. I can see it everywhere.
Danielle Bettman [00:30:42]:
Like, it's like it begins to become like a veil was taken off your eyes, and now you can look at things in a totally different light. And it really you would think that it would be one that would be discouraging in some ways, but it's actually so incredibly empowering because it is allowing you to give yourself a lot more benefit of the doubt because it is inherently extremely frustrating to feel like you can't get your life together and you keep losing your phone. And you set it on, like, a random counter in the laundry room and, you know, spend 3 hours tracking it back down again. Because you and
Patricia Sung [00:31:19]:
you get off vibrate.
Danielle Bettman [00:31:21]:
Yep. Yep. And it's so easy not to just think, like, wow. I must have some problems. Like, this is a me thing. But then it becomes, oh, there's the a huge thread of commonalities and patterns here that I can actually work with and actually find some humor in too now when I can name it, and it can be something almost a little bit more externalized. So do you find that moms will come to you because they their kid has been diagnosed and then they start to see it in themselves? Or how do you see it kinda relating to the family like you started to mention?
Patricia Sung [00:32:00]:
Yeah. So it is there's very much a genetic correlation. So if you have ADHD, there is a 50 to 75% chance that your kid will have ADHD as well. If both parents have it, then it jumps even higher. And it is so much tied into our families, like once you know what to look for, it's like everyone around you just has like a highlighter on. And like, yeah, it's not going to be everybody in your family. But you'll like, you'll see, like, oh, uncle so and so. Yeah.
Patricia Sung [00:32:33]:
Auntie so and oh, yeah. You're like, well, no, hey, this person seems kind of normal. Maybe maybe not them.
Danielle Bettman [00:32:39]:
Yeah, you'll start accepting the role.
Patricia Sung [00:32:41]:
But like, it is highly correlated to your family system. So I always tell people if you have anyone in your family blood related or not, because we are birds of a feather fly together. So if if you are willing to put up and marry somebody with ADHD, it's because you're probably okay with it, because you're used to it. It's probably in your family somewhere. Like, whenever you're like, everybody has ADHD, I was like, everybody in your family does. Like, it's it's probably because you are used to seeing that you are used to people always losing their phone and can't find this and showing up lately. You are used to it because probably there's a bunch of people in your family that have it. So it very much is a prevalent thing.
Patricia Sung [00:33:21]:
It's a two sided coin, though, like you said, like, it's encouraging because you're like, okay, it's not just me, I can see the other places where it is. And there can be more forgiveness in families because we're used to everybody showing up. On the flip side, it also creates a lot of extra trauma, extra chaos. If your family system has a lot of undiagnosed ADHD or even diagnosed ADHD, and you grew up in a family with 1 or 2 parents who were very disorganized or very chaotic. And like, let's be honest, a lot of ADHD can end up showing up in places like addiction, not being able to hold down a job, not being able to pay bills, and that instability that lies within a family system that has a lot of ADHD like that is a very traumatic, can be a very traumatic upbringing, if that is part of your family line for generations. So it is a struggle to be able to balance that depending on all the characters that are in your family, you may have some people who are very understanding and very helpful. And then you may have some people who are not doing well, and create a lot of chaos and drama for those around them. So I think that as the generation that I'm in and the generations that are coming, you know, after us, as moms are becoming cycle breakers and like getting the information they need and setting their kids up for the skills that they need, I think we'll see a lot more healthiness in the generation as it goes forward.
Patricia Sung [00:34:54]:
But like, this is another layer of difficulty on top of trying to take care of yourself. And then also like wanting your kids to have a stable upbringing, that is they have the skills to do well in their school or their job or, you know, their relationships because ADHD very much impacts your relationships, your finances, everything. Being able to create more stability in your life so that your kids have more stability and being that generational cycle breaker is a lot of responsibility and effort on top of all the things that we're doing. So that can be a point of contention as well, since it's hard. It's really hard to do things differently than your family has always done them.
Danielle Bettman [00:35:35]:
Yeah. For me, I feel like that looked like my mom being the opposite of a domestic goddess, as in we had a really, really hard time with household tasks. And my house growing up was always extremely dirty and, you know, clutter filled. And she just did not keep up with with really anything as a routine. And, I became a complex where I didn't wanna invite friends over and never did. And, you know, I then ended up taking the brunt of that as the eldest daughter, you know, in high school. And I really set out to say, like, I want our house to be a home that it's not gonna be perfect cleanliness wise, but I absolutely want anyone to be able to stop over at any time and not be a huge source of stress and my kids feel comfortable inviting people over. Like, that was a piece of cycle breaking that I did not understand was probably related to some neurodiversity in our family, you know, for years years years later, but that just was one of the obvious things to me.
Danielle Bettman [00:36:34]:
For my husband, hyperactivity growing up as a kid became what he wanted to do differently as a dad, where he really wanted to set out and say, hey. Like, this is really important to me to be stay calm and to be able to let my kids be kids and, you know, how not have these sensory things, like, fly off the handle and control me. And so that's been really important to us to set out and kind of under not only understand that, but empower ourselves with, well, how are we gonna do that? Because, you know, you can't just have a wish and a prayer and an intention.
Patricia Sung [00:37:05]:
Yeah. You can't wish it there.
Danielle Bettman [00:37:07]:
No. It didn't work like that. I wish it did, but it doesn't work. I wish.
Patricia Sung [00:37:14]:
Anxiety can be debilitating, and oftentimes, it's obvious. Stage fright, heights, claustrophobia, panic attacks. But anxiety can also be subtle when you can't fall asleep at night thinking about your sick parent or your teen who's struggling making friends. It can be helicoptering around your toddler at the playground or not listening to your partner because you're in your mind spiraling about your kid's school struggles. People with ADHD can hyperfocus on these worries to the point where your worry takes center stage. But what you really want to be is present in the moment, more carefree, feeling lighter, having that space and the freedom to be the fun mom that you thought you would be. If you're ready to feel more relaxed and calm every day, join me in my upcoming event, the ADHD Anti anxiety Workshop. In less than an hour, I will teach you 3 ways to stop anxiety in its tracks.
Patricia Sung [00:38:05]:
It's time to let go of the grip anxiety has on your happiness and for you to step into the main character role of your everyday life. Cherry on top, it's free
Patricia Sung [00:38:16]:
for now. It will be
Patricia Sung [00:38:17]:
a paid course shortly after, so sign up while there's still no charge. Head over to patriciasung.com/ workshop and sign up for this event. Now, if it is after the event, still head over to that link. It'll have the information on how to get the workshop, and see whatever new workshop I have coming for free. Again, that's patriciasung.com/workshop. It's time to say no to worrying. The workshop is taking place on January 23rd, that's a Thursday, at 11 AM CST, which is noon EST.
Danielle Bettman [00:38:49]:
What have been some of the things that have been game changers for you as a mom with ADHD?
Patricia Sung [00:38:54]:
For me, like, when I look back, the anxiety has been one of the biggest themes and anger has been one of the biggest themes. So, whereas I felt like I had accumulated a fair amount of like organizational skills on, like, keeping on top of that stuff. I feel like my mom did a really good job teaching me those things. But when it came to the anxiety, like I did not understand intrusive thoughts before I had my oldest son and going to see a psychotherapist who truly understood that and was very like judgment free. Like a side note, it's hard to find somebody that you really trust and you believe in, like, please do your research, figure out what their background is. Like they're humans too. And so sometimes it's not a good fit. And that's okay to say like, well, this didn't work out.
Patricia Sung [00:39:45]:
Let me try someone else. Like it's same with like when you choose a partner, you can't just pick the first person that shows up. Sometimes that works out, but most of the time you have to do all dating. So like, having the skills of somebody qualified and expert to say like, how do we work through these anxious thoughts? How do we work through these intrusive thoughts so they're not controlling you? And how do you exit that thought spiral? I think that's been a really huge gift to me. And I think that's like, I I wish that little Patricia had had those skills too, because I can see where that anxiety and that want for control when I felt very out of control a lot, like had turned into an unhealthy coping mechanism. And then the second part for me has been like, really working on my emotional regulation in terms of like my anger. And I know that when I start yelling at everybody, that that's my clue of like, I'm not in a healthy place. I'm not in a good spot.
Patricia Sung [00:40:40]:
And I need to get out my tools and figure out what I need to do about this in the moment. And then also to like back up and be like, how do I not get there again? So learning the emotional regulation skills, and like that's what I do in my coaching is we mostly focus on what are these emotional regulation skills that you need to know in order to trust yourself, in order to have more control over your feelings, and being able to exit when things are getting bad. And also know what what got you there in the first place is daily work for me. It is effort every day, like I won't lie and be like, Oh, well, I learned these skills. And now my life is great. It is significantly better. But it is a constant work of putting those skills into practice. And being able to look at myself and say, I don't want to be angry mom who yells at everyone.
Patricia Sung [00:41:32]:
So I know like, this is my one skill that I'm gonna do when I'm struggling. And for me, it's like, wait, I'm on before I'm gonna say mine. Side note. This is also an ADHD characteristic. If all your thoughts come with parentheses, you're my people. Yep. I'm like, oh, wait, then I did I did another side note. And I'm like, what was my original side note? Oh, here.
Danielle Bettman [00:41:55]:
Classic.
Patricia Sung [00:41:56]:
I'm like, oh, is that when we start to get triggered, and we are very upset, our brain goes offline, our logic system is not functioning. And you forget that you even learned any skills at all. You forget you have a toolbox, you forget that you know these strategies because your brain is not using its problem solving abilities in your prefrontal cortex. It's like survival mode, the children are attacking and you're in fight or flight. So you probably know a bazillion things. You read all the books, you listen to the podcast, you went to the coaches and the therapist, and then you get in the moment and you're like, I am just yelling at everybody. Like I'm not even using all this, these things that I have learned along the way. So what we can do is just pick 1 and be like, this is my go to thing.
Patricia Sung [00:42:42]:
I'm gonna do this one thing. And then if at some point it stops working, I will choose one other skill. But like I just need one thing that when I realize I am either yelling at everybody or I have disassociated and I have gone and hid in the bathroom or I'm scrolling my phone because I can't deal with these children anymore. You need one skill to be able to get you out of that. And for me, it is top up breaths. I don't want to count while I'm breathing. I don't wanna count when I'm mad. I don't wanna count.
Patricia Sung [00:43:06]:
I don't wanna count anything. So when I was like box breathing, I was like, no, this isn't working for me. So I found the one that works for me, which is the top of breath. You take a deep breath in. And then when you think you're full, you add in a little extra, and then let it out slowly. So I don't have to count. I don't wanna think about much. All I know is like, when I'm really struggling, this is my go to thing.
Patricia Sung [00:43:26]:
Love it. And if it's not working, I have my backup on but like in the moment, you just need one skill to get you out of that. My other favorite if you want to try it, that's really easy is peripheral vision. Like if you just take a moment and kind of like, lose focus of your like what's in front of you and try to take in what's on the sides of you in your peripheral vision, below above and take that in that will allow your body to know like you're safe in this moment. There's no you know, tiger lurking in the background trying to attack you even though you know, this angsty 15 year old might feel like they're attacking you. It didn't give your boat like a body a moment to be like, okay, I'm I'm safe. And it gives you enough to back down a little bit to be able to try and access that logical part of you that knows you don't want to yell at your kids or you don't want to be scrolling on your phone avoiding life like having that one skill will allow you to get out of that moment. So for me, I look back and I'm like being able to deal with all the anxiety, which is rooted in my ADHD.
Patricia Sung [00:44:27]:
I definitely have anxiety, but it's because of the ADHD. And like, let's say a lot of women will get treated for anxiety or depression for years and like nothing ever seems better because that's not the root. The root is something else. For example, ADHD is when we treat that, then all of a sudden all the anxiety and depression things start to get better because we treated the root. It's like just like if you have a tree, if you have unhealthy roots, you're not going to get there's no apples at the top, because the the roots are messed up. So like being able to gain the skills there has helped a lot. And then on the flip side, being able to control my anger. And I'm like, I don't I don't even necessarily like the word control because I don't I don't feel like I control it very well.
Patricia Sung [00:45:08]:
I know how to manage it.
Danielle Bettman [00:45:09]:
Yeah.
Patricia Sung [00:45:10]:
Manage it enough to be able to get my thinking brain back online and not take it out on everybody else. And then it's like, okay, well, now that I backed down enough that I'm like, okay, I'm not about to explode. What do I need to do to take care of me? Do I need to tag in with my partner? Do I need to throw the kids in the stroller and go on a walk for 10 minutes? Do I need to throw in everyone in the car, they're all built in, they can't go anywhere. And I'm just gonna go on a drive for a few minutes. Like, am I sticking the baby in the playpen and going to stay on the front porch for a minute and taking some nature first? What is it that you need in that moment to able to get down to a place where you can function and be the kind of parent that you want to be temporarily so that you can then actually fix the problem? Because we also can't just stay in that temporary fix zone, because it doesn't give us enough of a of a break to be able to actually solve the problem. So we have to circle back and actually solve the problem of why we got there in the first place.
Danielle Bettman [00:46:09]:
Super, super tangible, practical. And I love that you named that works for you because for me, box breathing is great. It makes me feel like I have control of something. It's very structured. But that was a game changer when I realized just how big of an impact it was because my chest was so tight before, and it actually makes me feel like I can expand my body. And for me, getting space is huge because the I feel claustrophobic when I'm triggered. And so I have to just step away even if it's, 3 feet, 10 feet, and, you know, for 30 seconds to 10 minutes. And that is all I need to just immediately feel like it's coming down.
Danielle Bettman [00:46:50]:
But, you know, without those go to's and knowing that that's your go to, helplessness absolutely overtakes you. And I think that's the biggest trigger I see with moms is just that feeling of my back's against the wall. I have zero tools, and the world is expected to mean all the pressures on my shoulders, and I feel helpless to impact this moment, both in what's going on with my own body and with my kids. And so that's just, you know, a runaway train.
Patricia Sung [00:47:19]:
Exactly.
Danielle Bettman [00:47:20]:
So I would love to circle back to, like, strengths because I would hate for anyone listening that has ADHD or that's, like, really seeing themselves on paper right now to feel like, oh, no. Like, this is a a really horrible thing to be accused of all of these, like, challenges and and struggles. But there's genuinely so much good. So can you can you just, like, speak to the other side of what the benefits and the the strengths can be of having ADHD?
Patricia Sung [00:47:50]:
Yeah. So I like to look at it on both sides that, you know, yes, we wanna bumper pad our weaknesses, but we really wanna focus on what our strengths are. Because, listen, I can't change the fact that I have no sense of time. I generally have no idea. Same. How long it has been. I don't know. And I'm not gonna like magically get that gene somewhere along the way.
Patricia Sung [00:48:09]:
So it's like I need to bump or pad those weaknesses, but what I wanna do is really lean into the positive side of that. And I it is my my personal belief that every part that you struggle with is something that you can then turn around and flip and like not to be like toxic positivity because gross. Like, for the example, like, I don't have a good sense of time. But what that means is like when I'm present with my kids, and we're really into something, we are in it. Like, you want to learn about black holes? Cool. Let's go through the like Google rabbit hole, black hole of black holes on the internet and figure out like what that means. And so like, I will jump in with childlike wonder with them and explore questions and like, yeah, sometimes it gets me in trouble because I'm supposed to be making dinner and all of a sudden I'm over here like, how do we make a box fort more stable? It's like, but like that childlike wonder and that enthusiasm makes me a great mom. When I think about like, you know how I get, I can get really and be an angry person.
Patricia Sung [00:49:08]:
And I flip that around, like I am passionate about the things that I believe in. And that zest for my feelings and like how I am passionate about causes, like, I want my kids to see that that matters and that we stand up for people that aren't being stood up for. And then we will speak up when things are not being like when people aren't being treated well. Like, that is a beautiful side of that. So any part of ADHD that you're like, I don't, I'm not happy about that. I'm like, agreed. And there's a good piece to that. And so we will bumper pad the hard part of it.
Patricia Sung [00:49:46]:
But then let's strengthen it like I'm like, I'm not the best at finishing projects. That's why I have a team who helps me finish the projects. But like my gift design, the ideas girl, I'm like, Listen, you need a solution. I got 16. Let's go down the list, which one's gonna work. And so, yes, my ideas will distract me from getting something done. But that is my gift. Like I can problem solve out of just about everything.
Patricia Sung [00:50:10]:
And I love doing it. So, yes, having ADHD is really difficult. It can be a disorder, especially when it's preventing you from doing things like holding down your job or paying your bills or keeping your relationship healthy. And how do we focus in on like making the things that work for you? How do we find you the job that appreciates your creativity that wants your ideas? How do we find the one that's flexible for you to do with your schedule? How do like, that's all there when we can look for it. And like there's a part of neuroscience called confirmation bias. It's like when we're in that, oh, everything's so hard. Why is this so difficult? Life is terrible. We're gonna continue to find more examples of that, because that's our brains job.
Patricia Sung [00:50:51]:
Our brains job is to find confirmation. So we think that, you know, like, we feel secure. So when we adjust and like, Okay, well, how can I flip this around, we start looking for those things that are better, our brain will then start to be trained to look for confirming things that are better? So it's not the idea of toxic positivity. It's how do we train our brains to be doing the things that we want it to do? Not the things that we don't want it to do? You don't think you can hold down a habit? Lies, you have lots of habits, you just don't like them. But you have lots of habits. So how do we take the habits that you have and adjust them to be the ones that you want? Like how do we take those baby steps in the right direction? I'm not going to tell you to be 5 am Sunrise yoga lady when you're normally waking up by your toddler bonking your own head and say my hungry, my hungry. That's like, that's not how we're gonna solve your morning routine problems. How do we take what you already do and make it better? So it is possible to take any part of ADHD that's really hard, and figure out how to use it to at least not to be a detriment and move it into a strengths view.
Patricia Sung [00:51:53]:
So that you're not always beating yourself up because it can't it is hard. And you're also really great at a whole lot of stuff. How do we, like, highlight those? How do we make those where you're spending most of your day instead of the other stuff?
Danielle Bettman [00:52:06]:
Yep. Yep. Like, the the object permanence of, like, if it if you don't see it, it doesn't exist. You know? Yesterday, I did not shut my garage door for several hours. I haven't told my husband that, but because the car had already been pulled out and faced down the road. So once I got in the car again after getting the mail boop. Hey. Like, even though that is such an automatic habit, you would think, to close the garage door as you leave, did not even realize it until I pulled back in and went, oh, interesting.
Danielle Bettman [00:52:35]:
But when that's how I absolutely know my brain works and I stopped beating myself up for it. I constantly am like, how can I use my object permanence problem for good and, like, keep things out and visible and in front of my face and doing things in the moment when I remember them or, you know, just trying to really work with that in a way that makes me feel productive and accomplished and getting things done in a way that makes sense for my brain? And that is such a game changer. Rather than just beating myself up again because I'm making, you know, elementary mistakes and, how dare I? But I love that you named all those strengths because I think even the sensitivity makes you, I think, have a high level of emotional intelligence where your EQ is so high, where you can really connect with and relate with other people and be present with them in a way that creates that flow with the time blindness in a way that's a huge gift. And when you're a people person, I see that sensitivity in a lot of different ways with both the high highs and the low lows. But the high highs, like, yes, I get overstimulated when there's, you know, toys everywhere on the floor, but also warm lighting cannot possibly make me more happy. Like, I have a little disco ball by my window now in my living room, and every day at, like, 4 PM, there's just, like, little glimmers of light shining all over the ceiling. And I get giddy every single day because I'm so impacted by it and, like, it's such a high high for me. So the there is always a dichotomy of, like, the flip flop of the other side of that, you know, of that sensitivity or the emotional intelligence or the the timeliness or the object permanence, all the stuff.
Danielle Bettman [00:54:23]:
I would love to to have any listener that relates to this conversation see themselves in a more compassionate light that finds more self love through that process rather than more and more reasons to become self aware to a point where you are, like, ashamed or, like, not wanting to brush this conversation, you
Patricia Sung [00:54:46]:
know? Yeah. That's, like, always my core message is that you're not broken and you're not alone. As we're sharing these stories, like, you might not identify with every single one of them. Like, everyone with ADHD is different. We're different people. But like when you see those pieces that are similar, like, you are not the only one struggling with these things. It's not a, like, fundamental issue of you not being a whole person. Like, you're not broken.
Patricia Sung [00:55:09]:
You can do this and you can figure it out when you have the right support system around you. I think there is always hope for us to find a way that works for us and, like, and a huge step in that direction is that grace to be, like, how do we take care of ourselves? How do we give ourselves more compassion? And honestly, being able to illustrate that to our kids is a really huge gift of like, oh, man, I really messed that up. I'm gonna forgive myself and I'm gonna do this so that I can do something different next time. Like, that's a really beautiful gift to give our kids too. So like they're watching, some like not to be one of those like, not to be those creepy guilty people on those Instagram reels. It's like, like you have the power to lead your kids in a different direction. And it starts with us, as the parent, as the mom to be like, Hey, I'm gonna do something about this. I'm gonna take a tiny action step in the right direction.
Patricia Sung [00:56:05]:
So that I can treat myself with compassion. And I can give myself grace and I can show my kids like we're gonna mess up. We're humans. We're not meant to be perfect. So what are we gonna do with that? How are we going to react to that? How are we gonna, you know, own up for our actions and then move in the in the way that we wanna move forward? But yeah, taking care of ourselves is step 1. We can't take care of other people when we are falling apart. As much as we have tried, all of us moms, we have dried. It didn't work.
Danielle Bettman [00:56:34]:
Yep.
Patricia Sung [00:56:36]:
Taking care of yourself matters so much.
Danielle Bettman [00:56:38]:
Yeah. Yeah. And those teaching moments that come from when I wash my, headphones through the washer and dryer again for the 2nd time and wanted to scream and punch myself in the face. That is a moment where I have the opportunity to show my kids how they should treat themselves when they are going to inevitably make those mistakes. And I I didn't do it well for the first few minutes. But
Patricia Sung [00:57:07]:
And it's okay to, like, own that too. And, like, we can take it like, oh, I was not kind of myself there. Let me try this again. And like us talking through what we're doing, like mentally, helps teach our kids how to do that, like narrating it out and being like, Oh, wow, I am really being a grumpy face. And that's not okay. So I'm gonna take a minute here and I'm gonna do my breathing. And then I'm gonna come back in about 30 seconds. And we're gonna try this again, like, narrating that through with them is how like one of the ways that we can teach them how to do that.
Patricia Sung [00:57:39]:
Because yeah, being being a parent is difficult. So we will constantly be given opportunities to repair and to redo and to do things in the way that we want. That's the the beautiful part about parenting. It's a lot of the same stuff every day. So if you wanna try something different tomorrow,
Danielle Bettman [00:57:58]:
you have
Patricia Sung [00:57:58]:
the opportunity.
Danielle Bettman [00:57:59]:
But it's not gonna be like minute 1, you know, like changing the first word out of your mouth. It's gonna be catching yourself down the road and then rerouting and then trying to catch yourself sooner the next time. That's what the realistic expectation of change should look like of progress. And, you know, I think that becomes a misconception too in a lot of my clients is, well, I messed up again, you know, because I started yelling. Well, yeah, you're gonna yell. And then how long did you keep yelling before you kinda had that moment of catching yourself? That's what we're looking for. So being realistic in our expectations of ourselves and our kids is definitely a constant struggle, name of the game.
Patricia Sung [00:58:37]:
Appreciate it. Well, I feel like
Danielle Bettman [00:58:38]:
we could keep going, but I, you know, I do want to to wrap up. So will you share how listeners can connect with your work?
Patricia Sung [00:58:45]:
Of course. I would love
Patricia Sung [00:58:46]:
to have you. I have a podcast as well. It's called Motherhood in ADHD, And that's my website, and that's my, like, handle on all the on all the socials. But earlier, I mentioned there I have a check sheet of symptoms in, like, real life. So you can go to my website. It's patricia.comforward/adashsymptoms. It's all lowercase letters, and you can download that checklist. And once you get that, I send you the link to my toolkit, which has like all my free resources in there.
Patricia Sung [00:59:13]:
So, you know, like the skills that I offered earlier, they're in there too. There's just a plethora of like, I'm a teacher. I'm a teacher at heart and I got I got lots of free stuff in there for you. So go download the checklist and go listen to the podcast. I would love to have you as part of our group. I think one of the most beautiful parts is that when you find the people who really get you, the community that we've created is really beautiful and forgiving. And they're the moms who are like me too. Oh, my gosh.
Patricia Sung [00:59:41]:
And then you're able to like, that's a huge piece of the forgiveness process is to know that like, the other moms are there, and they understand, and they're cheering you on. So
Danielle Bettman [00:59:49]:
Yeah. No judgment. Just solidarity. Yeah. All the nods. Yes. Oh, such a game changer. Amazing.
Danielle Bettman [00:59:56]:
And the last question I always ask every guest that comes on is how are you the mom your kids need?
Patricia Sung [01:00:03]:
It, to me, is I'm a pretty strong Christian. Like, this is God gave me these kids and he asked me to be able to take care of them. So I have to trust that, like, they're mine for a reason. And, like, when I look at my oldest, he looks just like my husband and he's tiny me. And so I am able to, like, understand where he's coming from and give him the grace that I wish I had had when I was 9. And my youngest one is looks just like me and is so much like my husband. And I am the best mom for him because I see the joy and the light that he has in him. I'm pretty sure he's an Enneagram 7, like he just has a zest for life.
Patricia Sung [01:00:47]:
And he always wants everyone to be in a good mood. And being able to see that and allow him to shine in the way that makes him most happy has been such a growth a growth place for me, because I am an oldest daughter in Eageram 1. Like, this is the way that is right. And really allowing him to be who he really is, is a gift that I'm really happy that I can give him.
Danielle Bettman [01:01:11]:
That's so awesome. Yeah. I love that. They're both lucky to have you. And having that level of intentionality and, you know, taking your impact so seriously and and being able to support them and just being themselves to the level of extent that they feel the freedom to be, which is all we all want, really, is that level of authenticity in our homes. So very cool. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for sharing all of your insight.
Danielle Bettman [01:01:37]:
It was both insightful and practical. And I know so many of my listeners needed to hear this conversation where they had probably some moments. And I hope I was successful in my endeavor of convincing everyone I know that they have ADHD to join the club.
Patricia Sung [01:01:55]:
I mean, if you're not sure, go listen to my podcast, and you're gonna learn real quick.
Patricia Sung [01:01:58]:
If you're like, oh, yep.
Patricia Sung [01:02:00]:
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. You're
Danielle Bettman [01:02:01]:
either like, that is me or it isn't, and pretty much everyone that I hang out with is, you know, birds of a feather flock together.
Patricia Sung [01:02:08]:
So Yes.
Danielle Bettman [01:02:08]:
We do. Welcome to the club. Again, thank you so much.
Patricia Sung [01:02:13]:
Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.
Danielle Bettman [01:02:21]:
Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of Failing Motherhood. Your kids are so lucky to have you. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot right now and share it in your Instagram stories and tag me. If If you're loving the podcast, be sure that you've subscribed and leave a review so we can help more moms know they are not alone if they feel like they're failing motherhood on a daily basis. And if you're ready to transform your relationship with your strong willed child and invest in the support you need to make it happen, schedule your free consultation using the link in the show notes. I can't wait to meet you. Thanks for coming on this journey with me. I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on.
Danielle Bettman [01:03:14]:
For more resources, classes, and community, head over to my website, motherhoodinadhd.com.