8 Tips for Making New Mom Friends #225
Scared of meeting new people?
Does small talk give you hives?
If you want to make new mom friends, but aren’t sure what to do next, let’s hang out on today’s episode!
Until recently, parties where I didn’t know anyone were scarier than any snake, clown, or ghost. As someone who’s been painfully shy my whole life, I never knew what to say or how to leave a conversation before it got awkward.
I was so awkward!
Today I’m sharing my struggles with making friends, especially in new situations with new people, along with 8 practical tips for mingling and making new friends as a mother with ADHD.
Here’s how I’ve learned to navigate social situations and embrace vulnerability in order to lower my social anxiety and make new friends. Making friends is a learned skill and you can get better at finding your kind of people.
You weren’t meant to do life alone and your potential friends are waiting for you to say hi.
Craving people who understand how you work instead of judging you???
Come hang out with me and other ADHD Moms in our twice weekly Successful Mama Meetups! Come for the support; stay for the community.
Join here: www.patriciasung.com/meetup
Patricia Sung 00:00
Do you dread, small talk and networking and meeting new people? Then this episode is for you.
Patricia Sung 00:07
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might.
Patricia Sung 00:40
When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess, Mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to Motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung 01:13
So I had a bit of like, weird, like out of body experience in the day where I was at an event and didn't realize that I was not anxious or concerned about meeting people meeting new people saying hi. And I was like, what? Oh my gosh, like, what happened to Patricia? Did she get abducted by aliens? Like what is going on here? Alright, so it's all started when I went to a conference for mom entrepreneurs. And one of the great things at the beginning was reminding us like, hey, most of the people here don't know each other. So everyone showed up wanting to meet each other, like you came here because you wanted to meet other people to network to find business contacts to find clients to grow your network, blah, blah, blah, like, everyone came here to meet more people.
Patricia Sung 01:52
And everyone wants to meet you like… That's why they're here. And they asked us to come up with some specific goals in our time there so that it wasn't just like, I don't know, meet people, for example, like do I want to find five people to be on the podcast, I want to find five podcast hosts that would like to have me on their podcast, like coming up with three specific goals of why you're there. And this really helped me because as somebody who gets very anxious about meeting new people and being in situations that I don't feel comfortable in like being a chronically shy and introverted person, these kinds of things like I literally like never even would have signed up a few years ago, but I'm working on things we're gonna myself put myself out there and going in and reminding myself, Hey, everyone is here to meet me.
Patricia Sung 02:35
I want to meet them. They want to meet me, made it a whole lot easier. Granted, I've also been working on this in therapy, but like it made it easier to no like, it's okay to walk up and say hi to random people. So I think I introduced myself to like 400 people that I've never met before. And I was just like rapid fire walking up to another group of people saying hi introducing myself, like inserting myself in conversations interrupting y'all. It was hard. This wasn't a very major growth experience.
Patricia Sung 03:01
And I did it all weekend, I went around introducing myself to other people. I always sat with somebody different at every meal. I was constantly meeting new people. And the funny part is like, I flew home Saturday night, my flight got delayed, by the time I got home, it was like 230 in the morning on Sunday. I got like three hours of sleep, woke up, went to church got the kids off to Chinese school. And then I had this fundraiser event for my kids school, which is like normally quite anxiety producing for me because like all the moms, they get all fancy small talking with the cool kids. And it's just it's a lot. And normally I get really in my head about them before I go. Well, things were so crazy. That afternoon, I was trying to help my friend do something and I was working on my taxes at the same time, which never goes well. And I also like super tired. Well, I end up just rolling out of the house to this fundraiser wearing the same dress I was wearing earlier, which was like a $20 Amazon dress. I didn't fix my hair. I didn't do my makeup. I'm not even sure I had jewelry on. Like, I don't think about my wedding ring. I'm like I literally just was on like bare bones three hours of sleep.
Patricia Sung 04:07
This is as good as my brain is functioning today. And I walked into this party of probably like 75 ladies who are all dressed to the nines in you know, because it's the theme party, obviously. And I was like, Oh, I walked in look around. I was like, Oh, wow, I am not ready for this party. But I was like, well, Marty here. I'm not going home. So I made the best of it. And I was still in this networking mode. And I just started going around like hey, I'm Patricia blah, blah, blah. See someone else? Hey, y'all, I've never done that in the let's see how long have my kids been in like school and preschool and I'm in math, probably six years of neighborhood events and plus like the entire however many years I've been doing this stuff for work and thought like before as a teacher I was in sales and like I was just like, Oh my goodness. I literally just walked in this party and was like introducing myself to random people. And when I already knew that, like, I was not dressed up enough, I had no makeup on. I hadn't done my like, knowing that like, I didn't even have my like confidence boosters, like attached to me. I was like, Y'all are getting raw me. Whoa.
Patricia Sung 05:15
Now what's the difference here because I kid you not it was like a month ago that I was telling my therapist, it felt really hard to make new friends in, like the neighborhood school area. Given that like my kids already in third grade. I never really got to know the moms in his class because my son started virtual kindergarten during the pandemic year. And I was really sick and I couldn't go out and do a lot of things. Also, everything was shut down. And even when things were starting to pick back up, I was so really sick and couldn't go out couldn't be around all the germs I was on immunosuppressants. So like, I feel like this year is the first year that I can actually physically like I am capable of going out and doing the things being at the events, doing the volunteer jobs. And now it feels really awkward, because I feel like the new kid who doesn't really know a lot of people, and like all these people have all kind of like formed their circles already.
Patricia Sung 06:05
But yet, like I don't have the excuse of like being the new person. It's like, No, you just Patricia, you just ignored everybody for 40 years while you were sick. And like they don't know that. Like, I feel like they probably just think I'm rude and don't participate in things. But either way, I can sit here and like think of all these reasons about why I shouldn't go, why this is so hard. I feel dumb. What am I going to say? What if I'm awkwardly standing on the side? And I don't know what to do. And I talk to somebody and they clearly want to talk to me? And then how do I get out of it? Normally my go to is like I just asked if I feel really awkward. I asked like how can I help and like find a job to do because I feel like that's better than looking pitiful. On the side, I'm talking to anybody, which can be like a good entry level like, step in. But then also I would just stay doing the job.
Patricia Sung 06:44
And then I wouldn't actually go around and meet people. And it's like, okay, that was like a good entry level stepping stone for me. But at this point, like I've moved ahead far enough in my journey that I should should should I should be able to do things in a different way. Can I? That's the question, do I have to No, I really at the word should. Every time I catch myself saying oh my god. Okay, so wearing that shirt in mind. And like I should be able to do this, right. And I put that pressure on myself that I should be able to go in and network and talk to these people because I'm a grown woman who should be able to talk to people, other people that are scary. And I don't know them. And as I'm having this whole conversation with my therapist, she says, Dun dun dun, well, part of you is trying to control the narrative of what other people think of you. knife in the heart. Okay, you are right, therapist, I can't control what other people think of me. What other people think of me is a reflection of them. It's a reflection of their perspective, their lived experiences. And the same like when you listen to me here, like how you take what I say is a reflection of your perspective and what you've lived in your life. And I can't control that. Like, even if I wanted to, I can't control that. And so what I'm working on, is not filtering myself to be like a more palatable version to other people, and like shifting myself to be what I think they want. Because even if I shift and be what they want, that still doesn't mean they're going to like me. And also if they like me for the way that I have shifted, then they don't really like me, for me.
Patricia Sung 08:22
And it's like, well, now do I want to be friends with somebody who is being friends with me because they think that I'm this or that? I don't I'm being unfair to them, because I'm asking them to be friends with somebody who's not real. And I'm manipulating them and lying to them that I'm something that I'm not. So I went down this whole rabbit hole of like, oh, man, I can't control what other people think of me, no matter what, like mask I put on and what pretenses I show up under like, I can't control what other people think of me. And also that's not my job. It is not my job to make other people like me. And to be honest, like that's okay. I only want to be friends with people who like me. Before we continue on, I
Patricia Sung 08:57
want to say thank you to our sponsors whose support allows me to bring you this podcast for free. I've got a podcast for you to check out. I'm so excited to partner with Understood Explains this month. This season of the show is hosted by teacher and special education expert Juliana Urtubey, and it's all about how to navigate IEPs or individualized education plans.
Patricia Sung 09:20
This latest season of Understood Explains covers things like how to tell if your child needs an IEP and it busts through a bunch of misunderstandings about special education. I especially appreciated the episode that explained the difference between 504s and IEP s because when you are the one advocating for your child, the more knowledge that you have on this confusing subject, the more confident you will feel in being able to advocate for your child. All of this season's episodes are available both in English y Espanol. So if you have a child who you think might need an IEP or maybe your child's IEP is ready to be updated for the upcoming year here in your podcast. app search for understood explains and add it to your downloaded episodes so that you can take the listen later today. Again, that's Understood Explains right here in your podcast app.
Patricia Sung 10:11
Like we were having this conversation in Successful Mama Meetups a couple of days ago, where one of the moms was saying like, she's moved to a new area, she wants to be able to make some friends, she found someone that's like, seems pretty good. She's like, I think I'm ready to have them over to my house. Like, I think we're at the stage where I can invite them over. But it's like, what if my house isn't clean enough? Like, you know, I haven't cleaned my baseboards. And I feel like I need to have my house like to this presentable level before I bring people in. And she's like, people don't judge your baseboards, right? And I was like, Well, my question is like, Is that the kind of friend you want? Do you want somebody who is judging you for your baseboards, like if you invite them in, and it turns out that they're gonna judge you for your baseboards? Is that the kind of friend you want? For me know, if you're more worried about maybe scores, then like whether or not we had a good conversation, then I don't want to be your friend. But like, don't get me wrong, it hurts when somebody then is like, well, I don't want to be friends with you. Now that I've seen what's under the hood, I don't want any of that, like, it still hurts. So when we close ourselves off to the possibility of getting hurt, we've also closed herself off to the possibility of making friends. So I know that like old Patricia, honestly, would have been real judgy about baseboards, if you would ask me 15 years ago, I would have been like, well, that house is really dirty, I don't want to go hang out there. But that was a reflection of me and my perspective and my lived experience, I thought that that was expected of me, I thought that I should keep up with baseboards. And that was an important things. And there was some kind of failure about me that I couldn't keep up with my baseboards. So it really had nothing to do with the fact that someone else had a messy house, it was me seeing that and being like, I should be able to keep up with that.
Patricia Sung 11:48
I need to be able to do it all with wisdom, I realized, like, that doesn't really matter to me. So I mean, granted, I have a house cleaner, a lovely lady who cleans all this stuff for me so that I don't have to because I'm not good at it, and it will never get done. So I pay somebody else to support me in that way. So yes, my beautiful are circling.
Patricia Sung 12:05
But that's because I have somebody else doing it. Like, and are they all? Totally No, she probably like dust them like once every few months, I but I don't want a friend who wants to be my friend because maybe sports are cleaned. So I've had to shift this perspective for myself, and I offer you the same option is that when we're looking at is this friend, I want to invite them in. And then they get to see like when someone enters your house, they get to see much more of who you are, is that yeah, they might not want to be my friend anymore once they see what's here. But I can't move into the next level of friendship, if I'm not being vulnerable and allowing them in to see who I really am to be like, are we a good fit. And that vulnerability is what allows us to move to the next level of friendship. Now granted, not everybody deserves that. But like, you know, you vetted the process here, you know, you check them out, or like I think this might be a good person.
Patricia Sung 12:55
They've so far like met the trust goals. So I'm willing to risk that hurt for the possibility that someone might be a really great friend. When we have ADHD, a lot of times we look at what could go wrong. Instead of what could go well, we enter a party we think of like, well, what if all these people don't like me? What if I can't find anyone to talk to? What if somebody snubs me, when we look at all the things that could go wrong? Instead of what might go? Well, that what if I met a really cool person that I want to hang out with again? What if I met my next mom? Bestie here? What if I found a partner to go on walks with in the morning, when we only look at the bad part? And we're allowing our panic and Our fear and our stress to filter our perspective? That's what we find. Instead, I have shifted my perspective to I'm only looking for like one connection? Can I find one nice person here? So instead of what if nobody likes me,
Patricia Sung 13:51
I'm going to what if the good stuff? What if I find someone who's really cool? So as soon as I hear my brain being like, well, what if this happens? What if that happens, then it's only fear brain that you can also what if good things? What if I found a mom who likes to take their kid to the splash pad to so that I can hang out and chit chat while kids run around? What do you call it little fountains? Because when we have ADHD, we tend to be really great at what iffing All the different possibilities of what could go wrong. So we can train our brains to look at like, what if all the good things went well. So when I go into a party of like these, like 75 100 Moms, I'm not looking for the 90 people, 95 people, maybe 99 people that I don't click with, there's gonna be people at this party that I'm not excited to talk to you. No offense, neighbors, if you're listening, there's going to be people
Patricia Sung 14:35
I'm not going to click with I'm not really gonna want to hang out with Okay, what I'm looking for instead is what's the one person that I really want to hang out with? Or the five people that I can find a five minute decent conversation with? Can I find these little things instead of looking at the unknown mass of like, what if somebody unknown person here is mean to me? What if I look for the one person that I can have a good conversation with? Or what if I can try to get the names of five I've moms that seem like halfway normal, or maybe halfway, not normal, because, you know, we have ADHD, you know, like, it's kind of like if you go to the store, and you know, like, we're coming up on bathing suit season here, like, if we go in looking at like all the swimsuits that don't fit you and focus about how you're not, it's gonna be a terrible experience, and I'm not gonna like any of them, and I'm gonna look like a terrible mess. And this is terrible.
Patricia Sung 15:21
Or, if we go in and look and be like, Listen, I don't need all 700 swimsuits in this beatings suit sort of fit me. I don't need every single one to look good. I only need one bathing suit. I need one swimsuit to wear to the pool. Maybe two if you're a beach bunny, but I just need one. I need one bathing suit to fit me. I need one wedding dress or one dress for a wedding. Like when I'm going to the store. The same thing when I go to this party? I just need one good connection. So what if I focus on like, I just need one? One person to chat with one nice person that seems halfway decent one good conversation. And when we flip flop from looking at all the things that could go wrong, instead of like, what if I found my next mom bestie that we're going to go on amazing weekends away together and raise our kids and she's going to send her kids in my house. I'm gonna send my kids to her house and like, we're going to be giggling till we're 68 years old, what we started would have been the good stuff, and looking for just one great connection instead of the like, nameless mass that doesn't like me, I don't care about that. I need one good friend. I need one good conversation.
Patricia Sung 16:21
What if I found somebody cool, this is how I've shifted my perspective. And then like and then honestly practicing it. So I'm gonna share with you my eight tips for meeting a new person for starting a new friendship like going into a place where you don't know anybody. And I'm gonna probably do episode about, like, maintaining friendships, because that's a whole nother thing. But today, we're starting the friendship. Here's my eight tips. What do you do when you're really struggling to calm down when you're dysregulated. And your brain is offline? When reducer mom is about to rear her ugly head and you don't want to yell at your kids again. But you also desperately need some time and space to yourself.
Patricia Sung 16:59
Well, you're in luck, Mama. Because I've got a free video resource waiting for you. I'm sharing my top 10 tips for what to do when you're losing your cool and you need to resign each of these things you can do in under a minute with no fancy prep, so that you can calm down enough to make a different choice than exploding like a volcano on everybody in the vicinity. Now since there's a video, you can watch what I do for easier practice. And of course, there's audio plus captions to read it. I also have a little cheat sheet underneath of all the ideas. So you can grab that list, stick in your phone somewhere so that um a time where you're like totally freaking out, you can go that list and quickly pick the idea that's going to help you calm down in that moment, head over to https://patriciasung.com/calm and download your free video and how you can keep your cool when you're overwhelmed. That's https://patriciasung.com/calm, because you can learn how to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your family.
Patricia Sung 18:00
Number one, is you want to look for an opening. Whenever I'm standing in a group of usually ladies, but in a group I try to make into a horseshoe not a circle. I can't remember where I read that you probably have heard of it. But I try to make sure that I'm sitting or standing in a horseshoe instead of a circle so that people feel like they can come in. There's an opening. But this opening is not just like a physical opening. If it looks like you know two people are like deep in thought and you don't feel like you can ease in is there another group that looks like they have more open space for you to be like, Hey, Hi, can you find an event that you have like connections built in like an opening built in. So like a group that's like built for networking, where you know, everybody's going there to meet other people.
Patricia Sung 18:37
So that feels more comfortable. Or like baby storytime at the library, you know that this is all new moms who are trying to get out the house and happy to talk to somebody who like actually speaks words. So like, that's an opening, so that you can see like how you're going to jump in next. Number two is practice your intro finding this like comfortable way to connect. I said literally the same thing. Every time when I was at that conference. I was like, Hey, y'all, I don't know anyone here and y'all look friendly. Can I join you? I definitely accidentally joined a group of people that had people that I'd already said that opening to don't care moving along. I feel comfortable entering that way.
Patricia Sung 19:11
Don't worry about it. And like if it turns out that somebody's gonna judge me that I said the same thing twice, not my people. So practice what you're going to say in order to enter so that you feel comfortable jumping in, like, oh, excuse me, do you mind if I sit here, whatever your thing's going to be, know what your intro sentence is going to be. Then number three is practice your exit part of the thing that really made me like break out in hives. It felt like it was like not knowing how to exit. So know how you're going to leave when you don't want to talk to that person anymore. Or when you can see that they don't want to talk to you. It's better to exit yourself out so that you don't feel awkward. So saying something like it's been great talking to you. I'm gonna go grab another drink, or I'm gonna grab another snack or I gotta go the bathroom or like always see that person. I need to ask them a question. Like, Oh, I see. You know, Suzie Q gotta go ask her a question. I'll be there. all around great talking to you. I always tell the moms in successful mom meetups that like if they're in a group and it's like, just awkward and or like somebody's talking about something that you're like, I don't have capacity for that today, you can just exit out and hop back in again and pretend that Zoom kicked you out, no one's gonna know the difference.
Patricia Sung 20:16
Zoom randomly kicks people out, sometimes it's totally fine, go into another group and happen, like, you can exit at any point that you don't wanna talk to that person anymore. I'd rather like leave them hanging with like, wow, that was such a great conversation, then get to the point where they're like, do to do what we say now. Just know what you're gonna do. Oh, I'm gonna grab another snack, I'll talk to you soon. Be back run out of there. Number four, their perspective is a reflection of them, not you. So if somebody is like, clearly not wanting to talk to you, that's not a reflection of you. That's them. They don't want to talk right now. I don't know, maybe they had a bad day. Maybe they just got in a fight with their partner before they left. Maybe they were really hoping that that girl over there was going to talk to them. And now they feel like they're not cool. Because they're talking to you. And they really want to talk to though. It doesn't matter. It's not a reflection on you. It's a reflection on them. So I don't have to take any weight or ownership of whatever they think not my problem.
Patricia Sung 21:10
Has this taken me a long time to get to yes, I will not lie. But know I know. Like that's their business. And they're not wanting to talk to me right now, doesn't mean they don't wanna talk to me forever. It could just be right now. Maybe they really have to pee. And they're like, maybe they also feel awkward about ending the conversation. And they're like, I don't know how to leave, but I really have to do the bathroom. It's fine. Their perspective is a reflection on them. Not me. Number five is reminding yourself, what if I find feeling whatever the good thing is here, not just looking for the best selling? What if I find a cool mom to hang out with? So reminding myself of why I'm there. What if I find this cool thing? Tip number six is don't focus on the people you didn't connect with. You're looking for one good conversation, one good connection. And if it turns out that you mingle through 14 people at this party and like you're not failing with any of them, that's okay. If it wasn't here, great. Well, tomorrow we're gonna go to the park and just see who's wandering around the park. Maybe we can say hi there. We don't need to focus on the people that you don't connect with.
Patricia Sung 22:03
You only need one bathing suit. Don't worry about the bandeau tops that look terrible. Move along. Keep hunting for the halter top. Okay, number seven practice makes it easier note I didn't say perfect. Practice makes it easier. After I spent an entire weekend reintroducing myself a bazillion times, it was a whole lot easier to walk into that Mahjong party and greet a whole bunch of people that I have seen many times over my, you know, decade of living in this neighborhood because I had just practiced a bazillion times. And yes, sometimes it was still awkward. There was one mom that I met lots of times, but it's always been at like times where we weren't dressed up. And so then I met her all looking cute. And I didn't recognize her because we're both looking cute. Why me? Oh, my blanket, but she looked all dolled up. And like, last time I saw her she was in a baseball hat and ponytail. I did not remember who she was because she looks different. And I have ADHD. So as soon as she said who she was, I was like, oh, right, you but of course at that point, I made some awkward comment about like, last time I saw you you were all sketchy with a baseball and you look so cute today.
Patricia Sung 23:02
I tried to pull it together. It was still awkward. But you know what, hopefully she doesn't hate me. Because it gets you in the same class. But you know what? It gets easier. Sometimes we're gonna put her foot in her mouth. I tried to smooth it over. Usually I just make some kind of awkward joke and keep on truckin because you know what, here it is, but I'm really working hard on not sitting up at 4am being like, dang it. I totally insulted so and so's mom. You know what? Hopefully she didn't take it personally. I tried to smooth it over. And I'll probably apologize next time I see her but here we are. Okay. Number seven was practice makes it easier. And number eight, is the follow up. I tried to know, at that point, like, what do I need to do to follow up like, I find this cool person, right? That I'm gonna be like, Hey, can I get your number, maybe we can hang out next week. Or if you forget, you can look them up in the school directory or whatever, like, know how you're going to follow up? It's like that, you know, if you want to ask them out on a date, on a mon date, how do you want to do that and making that happen? At that same time? Like I'm not saying you have to be like a no friend, will you be my friend, let's hang out tomorrow. You don't have to be awkward about it. But like when you leave that party, put a note in your calendar to be like, hey, tech, so and so tomorrow or two days from now, or like I love scheduling text messages. So like when I leave the party, if I got their number, I will schedule the text message for like, the next day or the day after and be like, hey, it was so great to meet you on Saturday.
Patricia Sung 24:25
Even just like that, it was so great. Meet you last Saturday. Cool. But I already started the follow up there. Like I already made myself like a task list to do it. Because otherwise I'm totally gonna forget that I made that cool friend. I can tell you plenty times where I've like, met some cool mom and then totally forgot they existed because I didn't see them. So immediately, I'm going to make myself a note. I'm going to schedule a text. I'm gonna write them an email and see like what Step two would be, because otherwise I forget. So I'm going to practice that right here and say my follow up to you is if you want to hang out with some cool moms who get You come hang out with us. If you're more of an in person kind of person, reminder that the retreat tickets are going to be on sale later this month. And if you're more of a I don't want to wait that long, let's hang out now. You can join us in Successful Mama Meetups. We meet twice a week to get stuff done. And to hang out, I always say come for the support stay for the community.
Patricia Sung 25:22
When you come on Wednesdays Thursday, if you're on the other side of the world, then you'll come get stuff done for 30 minutes. And then the second half we do something different every time sometimes we hang out in small groups. Sometimes I do free ADHD coaching. Sometimes we have an exclusive discussion about something that is just for our group. Sometimes we divide up by the ages of our kids or where we're located like it is different every time because I want you to have fun. Enjoy meeting other moms and feel seen like I want you to know that you're not the only one struggling. So come hang out with us. www.patriciasung.com/meetup and I hopefully will see you soon. Talk to you later successful mama. For more resources, classes and community, head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com.