Overcome ADHD Imposter Syndrome: How to Stop Feeling Like A Failure, A Fraud, or Like You Aren’t Good Enough #164
Maybe you’re not as terrible as you think. Do you often explain away your achievements?
You got that new job by sheer luck…
Not sure how you won that award…Must have been a fluke!
See how everyone else is brilliant and accomplishes their dreams… and you’re just sucking at regular life?
STOP. Give yourself some credit, mama!
What if Imposter Syndrome is the thing that steals your joy over and over again?
Imposter Syndrome is way too common in the ADHD community, especially in women with ADHD. I’m here to put an abrupt end to it. Now.
Today we discuss what does Imposter Syndrome look like, how it relates to ADHD, and what you can do when you feel like a fake or fraud (cuz you aren’t.)
You’re working really hard and it’s time to celebrate.
Links mentioned in this episode:
Episode 43: Perfectionism and ADHD, Lessons from Therapy, Part 2: Practicing Purposeful Imperfection
For support from moms like you, join our free Facebook Community.
Not sure if you have ADHD? Want to feel prepared for your upcoming doctor’s appointment? Grab your Free ADHD Support Guide: ADHD in Women: A Checklist of Common Symptoms
Patricia Sung 00:02
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung 01:08
Hey there successful mama. It's your friend Patricia Sung. Before we jump into today's episode, we got our review of the week. And this one is from Mudd, Toyota. They say excited to find this. I'm overwhelmed with excitement after finding this podcast. I've listened to some of the experiences of other moms and really wholeheartedly in love all the tips for how to manage some of the struggles. Thank you, man. Toyoda, you know, I It's interesting, because like, as much as I am here talking like, when I speak with you and hear your experience, like it is just as much of a blessing on my heart to hear what you're going through. And knowing that I'm not alone, as it is for you all telling me like the same back like, having this community here really matters. Speaking of which, if you haven't joined our Facebook community, you should go do that. It's totally free. And it's full of 1000s of awesome moms who are sharing their experiences and cheering for each other. So if you go over to Facebook groups, is called Motherhood in ADHD, all one word. And yeah, come join our community over there and love to talk to you like, maybe not like in person, but like in virtual person.
Patricia Sung 02:15
Okay, let's hop on into the episode. So for ADHD Awareness Month, we've been talking about doing less to lower your stress, we started out with our retreat, the power of the pause and slowing down doing less than we talked about Groundhog Day drinking and maybe you want less alcohol in your life. Next, we talked about ADHD paralysis, and how when our stress gets too high, our brain shuts down and how we can get out of that. And this week, we're talking about impostor syndrome. In this case, we need less negative thoughts running around our brain to lower our stress. I am so done with impostor syndrome. Like I can't even tell you how mad it makes me to realize that this isn't a problem my whole life when we were at the retreat.
Patricia Sung 03:01
Earlier this month, one of the moms said that her late diagnosis felt like Sally Fields and Mrs. Doubtfire when she realizes that it's her ex husband and she's like, the whole day, the whole time. Like this is how I feel about imposter syndrome. Like the whole time my whole life, I have been telling myself that I'm not good enough. Like it was a me, I have been telling myself this like, the whole time the whole time. And I am so done. I am so mad. I have not worked through this anger yet, probably something just gonna be I am so mad now that I've realized what a problem this is.
Patricia Sung 03:42
For women with ADHD. It's not just me. We spend our whole lives taking in the criticisms and comments of others and adopting it into our own narrative. And that's not us. Every time we hear someone say like, You're too sensitive, you're too talkative, you're too dramatic. Why are you bothered by that? It's not a big deal. We are thinking that there's something wrong with us that we are the problem. And we're not just because we see things in a different way doesn't make them wrong. But this idea that we perceive things incorrectly. it pervades into everything we do everything we think about ourselves and creates this negative Narrator that's constantly telling us that we're not good enough that we're not whatever enough for whatever the situation is. And we don't trust ourselves. We don't believe our gut. We don't trust that what we feel and see and know is right. And it's a huge problem.
Patricia Sung 04:40
There's a huge issue with us not understanding how hormones interact with ADHD. There's a huge problem with us, not understanding our stress response and how to work through that with especially like our emotional dysregulation. And I think there's a huge problem with impostor syndrome and us not trusting our gut and all that self doubt that tells us that we're not right. And we don't know. And it's not true. So I want to talk through some practical pieces of imposter syndrome. So we'll talk about what is impostor syndrome? How does it relate to ADHD? Like what to look for, if this is what you're dealing with? And then what do we do about it? So imposter syndrome is this, like, I think it's a pretty recent realization. I'm like, I should have looked that up before I started this podcast. This happens a lot, y'all like I go through my outline. I know, I'm gonna say and then I start talking. And I'm like, Oh, what about that rabbit hole I didn't traverse down. I'm like, No, Patricia, we i You can't talk about every single thing on a podcast, just, you know, stick with what you got.
Patricia Sung 05:40
So impostor syndrome is becoming more and more talked about recently, there are studies that show that up to 82% of people experience impostor syndrome at some point, but women with ADHD, this is a rampant issue. So many of us minimize our achievements, we over magnify what our mistakes are. And then when it comes to getting compliments or praise, like, that's like in one ear, not the other. Like, we don't appreciate what we've done. We don't celebrate how hard we've worked. We chalk it up to like, oh, well, you know, I don't know why they picked me for that. Or, you know, like, I got that degree. But you know, like, when you know, and just, you know, anybody who does this stuff can get it. Like anyone who, who achieves the requirements gets it like, No, you worked really hard on that, you put in a lot of time and effort on that you persist it in that you earned that, and you don't give yourself credit. And like, it makes sense. Because, you know, a lot of times, you're working twice as hard to get less than the result that other people get, just by doing the basics.
Patricia Sung 06:43
We're constantly reminded of like, the things we forgot, you know, we didn't manage our time wall, how we got distracted. And this has been our whole life, that we're constantly reminded of all the things that we do wrong. And that voice is louder than what we do. Right? I know that this is me, because still to this day, even though I'm like actively working on this, I'm like, I still don't trust that I'm good at what I do. Sometimes it's like blows my mind. I'm like, Patricia, you have a top five parenting podcast with hundreds of 1000s of downloads. And yet somehow, you still think oh, I don't know, maybe I'm not ready for this. Maybe I need another degree. Maybe I need another certification. Oh, they won't pick me, it'll definitely pick that old white dude instead to talk about it. Because he's a medical doctor, and he's got the butter. Like, I'm constantly comparing to what other people are doing. Even though I'm doing a really great job. I am working hard. I am doing great things. And I don't give myself credit for it.
Patricia Sung 07:44
Like it's total crazytown. What, how is this? Okay? It's not. And I want us to start a revolution of ADHD women owning their brilliance, owning their strengths, saying like, yeah, maybe you don't agree with me, but like, I know, in my gut, or in my heart, in my soul in my brain that this is true. And I'm standing by it. I've worked hard. I'm doing great things. Yes, I do mess up. Sometimes we are not expected to be perfect. But that does not negate like the praise and like the compliments that we have earned and deserved by what we've done in working hard. How do we know it's imposter syndrome? And just not like, we don't know enough stuff? Because that's a question I get a lot of like, well, how do I know that? It's like, not just the like, I really am not qualified for this seat when you're just truly not qualified for something like, you know, like, Okay, here's the thing I'm missing. I need this knowledge. I need this certification for the job. Like, yes, there are some like jobs in life, like, you have to have a law degree to be a lawyer, okay. Like, in that case, it's very clear, like, I need a to do B, then you know, like, I'm not qualified for that. Like, that's a really easy cut and dry answer.
Patricia Sung 08:56
When it's imposter syndrome. It's not a clear cut answer usually, like, that's when we start like, tossing it around in our head and spinning around being like, well, maybe I need to do this. What if I do this? Well, maybe I need to do this. Well, maybe if I just you know, had a few more training classes on that, then maybe it would be good enough. And maybe it's like the comparison of everything. It's like when you're spinning out in your head, and you're going down? What are all these like, what if things and maybe that and maybe this like that's imposter syndrome. When you truly aren't qualified for something? There's usually a clear cut answer of like, you need this for that when it's us in our heads, that's imposter syndrome.
Patricia Sung 09:30
Okay, some examples. If you're minimizing your successes, and exaggerating your mistakes, when you can remember that dumb thing you said 15 years ago, and you're up at night, like at 2am beating yourself up about it, but like you don't notice the fact that you did this really awesome thing this week, and you literally just glossed it over. That's imposter syndrome. When you're attributing your success to like luck or chance when you've actually worked really hard. That's impostor syndrome. When you're constantly doubting your abilities, even though you're very good at what you do. That's imposter syndrome, when you're constantly worried about like, Oh, what did they find me? Oh, they know I'm a fraud. That's impostor syndrome. When you're constantly comparing yourself in a negative form to others, that's imposter syndrome. When you're like, oh, look, well, you know, I only have a Master's, but they have a PhD, like, Dude, you have a master's? What? You worked hard for that, or like you ran a marathon, but that person over there does Iron Man's like, Dude, you did a marathon, or like, you're like, Well, I only have like one or two kids, and that person has eight, that mom's killing it with their eight kids, she just all the things like, Dude, you're raising two people, one person, you're working hard, you're doing a lot of stuff. That comparison, Oh, it'll kill us literally kill our souls with the comparison.
Patricia Sung 10:47
I also can't skip over the fact that when you are part of a historically marginalized group, when you have ADHD, you have a learning disability. When you are a person of color, when you are part of the LGBTQIA plus community, when you have any, like part of your identity, that is not treated well. Like this isn't all in your head, people are treating you differently. People are treating you poorly. Obviously, I can't speak from experience on some of these marginalized groups, because I'm not part of it. But I, I can't just not say anything about it. Just because it's not me. Like, if you're the only person of color in your office, you're being treated differently. That's not in your head, when English is your second language. And you have anxiety over people thinking you're dumb because you make grammar mistakes, like that's not all in your head, when people within your own culture don't support you.
Patricia Sung 11:39
One of the moms on the retreat mentioned that her dad didn't even know what she did. And she has her own practice. She has graduate degrees she sees patients and like her own dad was like, Huh, oh, you you have your patients like those cultural realities have an effect on you. So I want you to know that impostor syndrome isn't all in your head, especially when you add on layer after layer of these marginalized identities where people have treated you poorly in the past. And we take those on, and like that disrespect and that negativity, that downright hurtful action or words like those make a difference in how we see ourselves. So I want you to know that that's not all in your head, like, I could go on a hold soapbox about this, and I'm okay, I'm gonna stay on track, Patricia. It's not all in your head. All of these experiences through our lives affect us. And at the same time, we can rewrite the way that we speak to ourselves. That's what neuroplasticity is. Changing the way we do things in our brain on purpose. Choosing to speak to ourselves differently is really hard. It is hard to rewrite decades of worn pads in our brain. Of course, I can't remember where I heard this.
Patricia Sung 13:04
No, see, this is why I love you all is that you told me these stories do you have like, I don't know where I heard this, but I'm gonna tell you anyway, if somebody knows where this is from, please come tell me is that when we have a pathway in our brain, I'm like, ooh, was a Carolyn's episode, like two to three episodes ago, it might have been not okay, when we have a path in our brain that has been worn. And if you think about like an old country house, that's all grass, you know, you drive your pickup truck in the same place. And it where's the path, if you want to make a new path, you have to move your truck and drive a different path, and you have to wear a new path. And eventually, that old path will start to get overgrown, and the weeds will come in, and the grass will come in and cover it up. But if you go back, and you take that old path, and the tramples down the new growth, it's like you need more time to grow over that path and really wear down the new one, it takes time to create those new neural pathways. But it is possible. And that's what I want you to know is that just because we've adapted all of this negativity in our lives, and made it into our own voice telling us that there's something wrong with us, we don't have to stay there, we can rewrite how we speak to ourselves.
Patricia Sung 14:08
So let's talk about some practical ways to do that. One is keeping some kind of journal of your accomplishments and possibly even the effort that you did to get there because it's really easy to minimize what we've done well, when we're focusing on all the stuff we've screwed up, and we do screw up a lot of stuff. Not gonna say that we don't, but that doesn't mean that we don't deserve to celebrate all the things you've done. So if you're not a writer, can you make a voice note in your phone? If you get a sweet note, can you save that text or that email? I take a screenshot put it in a folder. I did that when I first started this podcast is that anytime anyone wrote me any kind of encouragement, whether it was you know, a DM and email, I would take a screenshot and I had a whole folder in my Evernote that I would put them in the same with emails, I would stick them on all in folder, and then on the days where I'm like, should I even stick with this anymore? Like, what's the point like back when the podcast had like 10 downloads on a day? And I was like, What? What is the point of us? Why am I wasting all this time on this, it's not making a difference. I go back into those two folders. And I would read all the sweet notes that you would write me. And that is what kept me going. Find a way to keep track of what you do well, so that you can remind yourself of how hard you're working, how you're doing great things, maybe that's pictures of your kids when they're doing something great. And you're like, hey, sometimes I'm really good at this thing. Granted, there's days where I don't feel like I am. But here's a reminder of when I am doing a great job, here's a reminder of what I did well at work, here's a reminder of how I helped someone in my family or a friend and keep track of those things so that you can remind yourself of how much you're doing that is making a difference and start to rewrite those neural pathways to say I am doing a good job. I am working hard.
Patricia Sung 16:01
Okay, tip number two is letting go of perfectionism. I mean, I have several episodes on perfectionism, because that's, that's my coping mechanism of choice is like, I don't see control through gambling, or eating disorders, or addiction, like my addiction is perfection. And if I can just control everything that I output, and the way that I look and the way that I do things, then there's no room for judgment. No one can tell me that I'm messing it up, because I'm already hearing in my head how much I messed up, up. Well, guess what? Whew, this has been a long process. I'm working really hard on this. And you can change those voices in your head too. How have I done this? The worst, you have to purposely fail to thumbs down yet very effective. How can you purposefully make mistakes that are small and inconsequential to start showing yourself that like, I can make a mistake, and it's going to be okay, one thing that I do now is I don't proofread my text messages granted, autocorrect really, you know, come and gets me some time. But I used to reread and reword my text messages over and over and over again, before I sent them. And now I'm just like, you know, what, I'm not capitalizing that I, if I spelled it wrong, oh, well, if it doesn't make sense, either the person is going to tell me it didn't make sense. And then I'll clarify, or you know what, I, they'll figure it out. Everyone knows how to crack works these days. You read it out loud. And you kind of guess what they said, right?
Patricia Sung 17:20
The same thing with emails, I used to reread my email so many times, this is still a really hard one for me. So like, if I feel pressure, like I'll still reread it a bunch of times, but I'm working on not doing that. And it's really hard. So what are the ways that you seek control through perfectionism? Where can you let go of something little like not capitalizing that eye and prove to your brain, it's okay that you made that mistake. If you want to go listen to episode 43. I talk a lot about perfectionism in that one. That'll show you how long I've been working on this. If you look at the date, that was one of the early episodes. So this is something that I continue to work on.
Patricia Sung 17:57
Are you curious, if you have ADHD, like, you're still just not quite sure Is this me or not, maybe you're getting ready for your diagnosis appointment. Or maybe you want to bring it up with your GP, but you're not quite sure how to talk about it. I put together a checklist of symptoms, that's not your average boring list of symptoms. It's the Patricia take on from what I've seen of working with 1000s of women ways that I see these symptoms actually showing up in real life. I put it all together in a downloadable checklist. And I want you to go get it, download the checklist, go through and check off here are the things that show up in my life. And there's space in there for you to write in where you see these things showing up in your life. And then you can take that list to your doctor's appointment and show them like when I say I'm being forgetful. Here's what I mean. When you ask me like, are you hyperactive? This is how hyper activity shows up in my life in my brain, so that you have concrete examples. And you don't freeze up. When it comes time to talk about it. You have your preparation there and you feel competent and capable and talking about you because you know yourself best. So head over to my website. And you can download the free checklist at patriciasung.com/adhd-symptoms. And that'll go right to your email and you can take that with you and be prepared for that tough conversation. Again, that's patriciasung.com/adhd-symptoms.
Patricia Sung 19:24
Tip number three is give your negative narrator in your head a funny voice like give them a personality like imagine what they look like for me mine is I'm Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada and I make the voice into like this caricature. So when I hear myself telling myself like I hear myself telling myself like that I'm you know, a mess and that I can't do things and like how could you forget that? I picture Miranda yelling at me with like a little snooty nose and like actually give her an accent too. And then I can start to separate when that's like true Patricia thinking. And when that is that negative narrator beating down on me, because now it's not my own voice that's criticizing me. It's now Miranda's voice in her caricature. And that is how I separate in my head, whether it's true or whether that's the negative narrator, and then I can tell her to shove it. And it's easier to separate. And that takes time.
Patricia Sung 20:22
But as you like, take a moment and picture like, what does that voice look like? Who's saying it to you? How do they sound? What's their face look like? That's how you can like, separate it from your own thoughts. It doesn't have to be you that's criticizing you, and you can teach your brain to treat yourself well. As a side note, like, Please don't beat yourself up for that. It's not your fault that you were taught as a kid to treat yourself that way. Like as a kid, little you did the best they could with what they had. And little you didn't know that you were taking on all the negativity from other people and internalizing it and treating yourself poorly, little you did the best it could. And also we can do something different now that we're aware, then the fourth one is find a support team.
Patricia Sung 21:10
When your brain is telling you falsely that you stink, you're going to fail. You can't do this. Who else can you enlist to help you rewrite those messages? Do you have a good friend who can cheer you on or a co worker at work? Who is encouraging someone in your family? Who is it in your life that can breathe positivity in when you're struggling? Who can remind you of your good qualities, when you're having trouble seeing them, you may want to pay someone to help you do that like that is what therapy is for someone there to work through those past traumas in sift through them and figure out how to move past all that yuck that's in your past, you may want to hire an ADHD coach to help you move forward and teach you these kinds of strategies teach you like how you can see the good parts of you how you truly are doing great things and help you move forward. Because as you have success that helps you rewrite all the failures that you keep playing in your head. And that's what ADHD coach does is that they help you figure out the strategies that work for you in your life so that you can move forward to the goals like a lot of people ask me what's the difference between therapy and coaching?
Patricia Sung 22:26
In the simplest form, very simple form here, basically, therapy is going to help you work through the past and coaching is going to help you achieve a goal in the future. Where do you need the help at the moment? Over the last couple of years, I've been working with women in the group setting in my courses and our Wednesday support group and seeing these patterns. And now I'm doing it one on one coaching women through like, how do you see yourself the way that God sees you? How can you rewrite the way that you talk to yourself? How can you implement strategies that make sense for you, that will actually work. And I am effing good at it. I am so good at this. And I can see how all my experiences are coming together as someone with undiagnosed ADHD through my childhood, struggling in college, pulling it together, bringing together my entrepreneurial background, I've had a business since I was 12.
Patricia Sung 23:23
Bringing together my teaching background and being able to explain things to people in a way that makes sense for their brain and tailoring it to how each person learns that was my gifting as a teacher is that I could reach any kid because I could explain it the way that they got it. I was the Spanish teacher who got kids who had already failed three times to pass because it couldn't graduate with other language requirement. And they're like, No, we're gonna make this happen. We're gonna get it done that cheerleading and that encouragement and that support is one of my gifts. And I never gave it any credit because I'm an introvert. And I thought that's the thing that extroverts do is encourage people. No, that's one of my greatest gifts is that I can see in people what their gift is, even when they can't, and I can show you what your gift is. When you can't see it yourself. I can help you figure that out. So that you know where you shine. You trust your gut, you get your intuition. And you use that every day to be the best version of you. And I'm done sitting on the sidelines, comparing to everybody else and not saying I'm good at this. I'm great at this. Who else has my skill set? Who else understands ADHD and being a mom and has an education background and has an entrepreneurial background? And has this gifting of understanding systems and plans and like being able to see the system and the planning come together and like a visual format to be able to explain that to other people and having that encouragement, and that nurturing personality to lean in and encourage people where they need it, and also like the brilliance of ADHD, and having so many ideas like someone like, oh my gosh, I don't even know how to do all these ideas.
Patricia Sung 25:15
There's so many of them, like the hard part is picking the right one, because there's so many, like, all those gifts come together and make me stinking good at what I do. And I'm done hiding. And I want that for you to, I want you to see where your gifts are. I want you to understand where you are amazing. I want you to know that you don't have to live this life of barely getting by barely surviving, you can thrive with ADHD, it's possible, you can rewrite all those messages that have been burning a hole tracks in your brains for decades, and speak to yourself in a kind and loving way. It is hard, it takes time and practice. But we can do it, we are not doomed to be a hot mass. And when we do all of this work on ourselves, we are breaking generational curses and struggles to make our kids lives better. What a gift that is to be able to lead our kids through their lives, whether they have ADHD or not, and be successful and know their gifts and love themselves. Just the way they are we are doing that you are doing that Mama, you are leading your family.
Patricia Sung 26:36
Well, despite all the mistakes you're making, that does not negate the hard work you're putting in to do better by your family and give your kids the gift of thriving instead of surviving. I'm here to start a revolution of ADHD women changing the paradigm and not hiding in the shadows and doubting ourselves. We are brilliant, we are problem solvers. We are creative, like the list just goes on and on of what makes us amazing. And most of those are like exponentially better because of our ADHD. I hope you'll join me in this revolution, of changing the paradigm of how we view ADHD and how we view ourselves. And when you're able to do that, you know where to find me. If you want to work with me, in one on one setting, I would love to coach you through figuring out how to find your gifts, and developing the strategies that makes sense for your life. When you're ready to figure out what makes you you and how you can live well with ADHD, please come sign up with me. I always said I wasn't going to do one on one coaching. And I was just going to stay in my little box and teach my courses because I was a teacher and stick with the status quo.
Patricia Sung 27:57
But you know what? I'm done with that. I mean, I'm not done with that. I'm still teaching my classes don't get me wrong. I'm demonstrating in the box is that I can teach classes well, and help women in a group setting and I can also help women one on one. And this is just the beginning. Look out world. Patricia Sung is coming in right behind me I'm gonna have a full army of ADHD women owning who they are and their strengths and changing the world. Oh, I should probably tell you how to do that. When you're ready to do one on one coaching with me, head over to my website. It's patriciasung.com/adhd-coach, whichever wanted to do. And yeah, come sign up some changes the world. Let's do it. patriciasung.com/adhd-coach. I'll talk to you soon successful mama. For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com.