How To Do Less But Better, Especially When You Have a Busy Brain with Tracy Stanger #165
When a thought pops in your head, do you feel like you need to do something with it right away or else you’ll forget?
That whack-a-mole thinking is a stressful way to live. Not everything we think of is both urgent and important. Actually, most things are not important and very few are urgent.
But how do we determine what really matters? Prioritizing is really difficult when you have ADHD!
Meet Tracy Stanger, an anti-hustle business coach for moms. Even if you don’t have a business, you’ll want to hit play for these gems on prioritizing and learning to say no. Motherhood is a whole lot like running a business, as you are the one juggling all the things, filling in all the paperwork, managing the people, spending the money, and executing the tasks.
Tracy believes we deserve work that lights us up and makes an impact on the world, and that we do have plenty of time for that work, even with motherhood trying to take it all up. The solution is to do Less But Better (instead of trying to #doitall). She helps her clients and students find YOUR most impactful tasks and makes it easier to get those things done.
Grab Tracy’s free guide—How to Find 1-2 Hours in Your Day, which starts the process of Sort, Purge, + Organizing by helping you start to figure out what you WANT to do and get rid of the stuff you don't HAVE to do, off your to-do list.
Join us in doing Less But Better!
Connect and learn more about Tracy:
Website: tracy@tracystanger.com
Instagram: @tracy.stanger
When you’re living life in emergency mode, reactively dealing with whatever pops up today, you aren’t living by your values and priorities. But how do we prioritize what matters? By proactively planning ahead…which is difficult when you have ADHD. Grab your free ADHD Strategy Guide: My Secret to Overcoming Time Blindness, to help you bring the not-now into the now and live your life the way you want to - with less stress and more joy.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Tracy Stanger 00:00
I like to say like, put your little antenna up and just start noticing throughout the day. Like, I hate doing the dishes. I don't ever want to clean a toilet ball again. I love talking to people on a podcast, just start noticing. What's your favorite? What's not what's making the most impact?
Patricia Sung 00:20
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung 01:27
Hey there successful mama, it's your friend Patricia Sung. One of the hardest parts of ADHD, especially for me is prioritizing, knowing what's truly important. This is a skill that I've been working on for a while we work on it and all my courses like how do you figure out what actually matters? Because when an idea pops into our head, we immediately feel like literally everything is urgent, important, everything I've got to take care of right now. Because if I don't take care of it right now, I'm gonna forget about it, and then it's gonna be disaster. And we think that everything is urgent and important because we run in this stress loop all the time. But most things aren't important, and hardly anything is urgent. The good news is, this is a skill that we can learn, we can learn how to prioritize. That's a key part of our whole philosophy for ADHD Awareness Month last month, which was how do we do less to lower our stress? How do we lean into what really matters so that we're not as stressed and I knew that as I was going down this path, like I have to have Tracy on the podcast, her philosophy is less but better. Now before you turn out because you're like, Patricia, I don't have a business. This doesn't apply to me. It does. So much of how we treat being a business owner also applies to motherhood. As the mom, you are the chief operating officer, you are the one doing all the things you're the one filling out all the paperwork, keeping track of your kids or employees, juggling all the things, deciding what's going to happen, making sure everybody gets there executing the plans. There is a lot of similarity between being a business owner and a mom. So even if you don't own a business, this topic matters. Learning how to prioritize what matters to you is so valuable. Tracy is going to share with us today about how she implements the less but better philosophy. We're going to talk about how we decide what matters. How do we stick with this knowing that in today's culture, what is being pushed is like multitasking, do it all. You can do everything mom achieve all your dreams, and how do we go against the grain which we generally do as you no general rule of life? How do we go against the grain and say, I'm not going to do it all, but I am going to do what I do really well. We also talk about like practically speaking, what does that look like? How do we do less and how you can make some strides today in making your life easier. I wholeheartedly believe that when you can figure out your value system and what matters to you and your priorities, and then create the systems that matter for you. You will feel so much better. Like that's the whole tenant behind time management mastery is making your time work for you. We figure out the rhythms that make sense for you. And guess what, when you have those rhythms down in your personal life, you can take that same course and apply it to your business because they match up they matter. Those same skills apply in your business as they do in your motherhood. And Tracy embodies this lightness, this ease in doing what she does. Tracy Stanger is an anti hustle business coach for moms. She believes that we deserve work that lights us up and makes an impact on the world and that we do have plenty of time to do that work. Even with motherhood trying to take it all up. The solution that Tracy gives us is less but better not trying to do it all she helps her clients and students find your most impactful tasks and make it easier to get those things done. I have worked with Tracy several times, and I am always blown away with how much lighter I feel when I walk away from Tracy's presence. So let's dig in mama, on how you can make your day easier by doing less, but better. Let's welcome Tracy to the show. How are you doing today?
Tracy Stanger 05:23
I'm great. Thank you so much for having me.
Patricia Sung 05:26
Well, I'm really excited. Because I mean, I've been following you on Instagram for a while I've come to a couple of your programs, Julian recommended you and I was like, I really could use some less in my life.
Tracy Stanger 05:39
I need more or less.
Patricia Sung 05:40
Yeah. And that's actually been our theme. So this episode is going to air in November. But in October, it's ADHD Awareness Month, which is when we're recording this now. And my theme has been like how do we do less and lower our stress? And I'm like, okay, Tracy fits in with this. Like, I'm just going to keep running with this theme here. So I know that you normally like in your business, you work mostly with business owner, moms. And I think that's highly relevant, because actually people with ADHD are 300% more likely to become entrepreneurs than your average Joe or Josephina. And so that matters. But also the same time. When I think about being a mom, I feel like it's a lot like running a business, like you are the CEO, you are the one running all the things juggling all the priorities. And it's just a lot. And so when I was thinking about interviewing, it was like, Okay, this isn't just a business concept. It's also a life concept. So I want to kind of weave the two together if your game from that.
Tracy Stanger 06:36
Yeah. And I wanted to tell you like, what I teach to business owners comes from what you do to make your life easier. So we we use like home organization principles, finance principles to explain how to make your business easier. So it's gonna definitely relate either way.
Patricia Sung 06:55
Okay, well, perfect. Let's say that's the perfect segue, then, how did you come to this like being you're saying, Where did the paths converge, that this is your mantra.
Tracy Stanger 07:04
So my mantra is less but better. I feel like that's what I'm teaching moms to do less but better business. But I believe in less but better for your whole life quality over quantity, but literally doing less things and making it easier to get those things done. And that has just been me my whole life. Like in college, I was figuring out what projects do I actually need to do to get the grade that I want. And I would just do those. Were like, I worked at my parents diner since I was 11. And I kept that job so that I could get the money I wanted, but still have the time for life that I wanted. And how I ended up here is I was doing that at my nine to five. And I knew like as a mom having returned from maternity leave, I just didn't have time to be there all the time. I like I wanted to do good work. And I wanted to have time with my kid. And I knew that you could by doing less but better. And so that's why I'm here doing this now to help moms find time for both for that meaningful work and for your life.
Patricia Sung 08:09
So it sounds like this is just part of your personality, like natural state of Tracy, because most of us don't have that gift. How can those of us without that gift, lean into that when it feels very like? countercultural?
Tracy Stanger 08:25
It is countercultural because we get here all the time, like do it all do more? I think it's funny that you said it's my personality. Like I love to use Gretchen Reubens, four tendencies to kind of see like what motivates us. And I'm a questioner. So that's also part of why like I have to have decided that this thing actually needs doing in the first place. Yeah, we're told that you have to do all of this stuff. But when you try doing less when you start doing less, but better, and you see how much it works and how much better it feels. That is what gives you the motivation, I think to keep trying it. But like everybody that I've talked to that's like on the less but better train or we say like anti hustle or just like stopping from this, you can do it all mentality. They just feel so much better. Having tried it,
Patricia Sung 09:14
Do you think that's how you can stay strong in it? Because I like it just feels like you know, we're always hearing like, keep up with the Joneses. And you say like doing more and more and more, but is that really what propels you forward? Because as somebody with ADHD, I always have 700 More ideas in the queue. So it's so hard for me to do less because my brain already came up with 47 more concepts that I could implement right now. How do you stick with it? What's the magic?
Tracy Stanger 09:47
I think it's seeing that it works. Seeing that when you say no to something you can say yes to something that works better or is more fun or was more important to you Oh, you don't want to give that up?
Patricia Sung 10:01
Do you think comparison has a lot to do with that drive for, like doing more things? Like is that one of the problems, that's the route.
Tracy Stanger 10:11
I don't think that's the route. I think that's another symptom, I think that you have to do it all is really like part of the bigger, bigger, bigger systems that just are messing everything up for everyone. But you know, being told that you have to do everything, keeping you trying, keeping you busy keeping you exhausted, then you don't notice all those other things that are happening, like it's, I don't know, capitalism and keep us all a little worker bees kind of thing. Like it's part of that. So taking yourself out of that, like comparison as part of that. But that's built in to those systems like there, they are trying to make us feel that way. But I don't know, the less but better philosophy allows you to just really say like, I want to do what I want to do. And so then you don't care so much you don't fall into that comparison, I think because you know that like this brain of mine came up with a really great idea. That's what I want to do. And doing that gave me these great results. So you just start being able to tune out the other people saying you should do this or try that or whatever.
Patricia Sung 11:14
I feel like that fits with what like when we were saying hi, you had said you just finished your junk drawer session. And then like that is so easy for you that it's like fun. It's like, wow, I get paid to do this thing that I love.
Tracy Stanger 11:26
Yeah. It's almost like not fair, it feels like it's too easy. But isn't that wonderful? Like, isn't that what we're going for?
Patricia Sung 11:33
It is and yet I feel like a lot of people with ADHD because we've worked so hard to like through our whole lives, we've just like pushing and working hard to get not even as good of results as other people got in the same situation. Like we feel like we have to work hard in order to get stuff done. So how do we like, through that, like, disconnect between like, it is okay to do things that you really love and are easy for you. And it's like, okay to be paid for things that are easy, and are not like the slog of work?
Tracy Stanger 12:05
Yeah, I think that comes down to looking at the results. Like what you were just saying reminded me, of course, it was hard. Like, if you have ADHD, and you're being told, you know, in a school system, sit still for eight hours and do all this stuff. And that's hard for you. Well, you wouldn't have had to work so hard, it wouldn't have felt like it was, you know, failing or anything, if the end goal they were trying to get you to do was learn something today, you know, I'm saying if it was still for eight hours, it's too hard. And you have to do a lot to make that happen. But if it's learned something today, and you can do it the way that works for you, it wouldn't have been so hard. So I think that's why it's okay to for something to feel easy. It's a it could like we all have a way that you work best. And if you just did that things wouldn't feel so hard. But again, like they don't want you to know I hate saying like they like there's this bugging man out there. But that's that is just not really how our society is built right now. But I think we are moving that way. I think more people are realizing especially all these people getting late in life later in life diagnosis of ADHD, like, you're starting to realize, like, this is how I work. And it works when I work the way I work. But we're gonna just stop trying to fit into that arbitrary mold. And then to your question, like, so is it okay, like for your work to be so easy? You can help? Yes, like, that's what I teach my clients, what would be the easiest thing for you to offer? What would be the most fun way to sell that? What sounds the most fun? What's the thing only you would think to do in this situation? And when you come up with that, like every single person comes up with something so creative. And so just only you could think of that. And then it comes out so much better. And it's so much easier. It takes less time and you get all the results that you're actually looking for, like fulfillment and money and making an impact having time for your kids. Yeah, so I work a lot in like personality typology. Like, like I mentioned, Gretchen Reubens, four tendencies, I use the desk the Enneagram been loving Clifton Strengths for like really figuring out what is my magic sauce and all my strengths and how do I weren't like I need to work collaboratively or I need to work by myself. I need someone to hold my hand or I need someone to challenge me. And just figuring out what is my mix and then doing things that way and you just get such better results. And this could be like with how you run your house. I don't like vacuuming. I have never gotten a vacuum again. Like I bought a Roomba. And then I hired a house cleaner and like floors, like I don't even own a vacuum now except for the robots. You know at work in business, you can say like I'm never going to do I've never done a real I've never pointed and dance or anything. And it's fine. I still have clients. But yeah You just get to do what you want. And again, that's not like a societal norm. But I think it will be, I think that the more of us that do that, the better things will be because there's all of that diversity and creativity that has been previously smushed, that when we let it out, like some really amazing things are gonna happen.
Patricia Sung 15:21
We're working through like, literally decades of conditioning, that there's a certain way to do things, or there's a right way to do things. And as a former teacher, myself, I see the benefit of the vast school system. And also I see all the like, ways that it goes wrong. And when you've spent your whole life feeling like you can't fit in the mold, and that things have to be hard. Because there's not the luxury as like an eight year old to decide that you're going to do things a different way. It takes like a lot of change, to be okay with doing things differently. And being okay with it.
Tracy Stanger 16:01
That's true. It's definitely not a switch that you flip. And now you're just like, okay, everything's gonna be easy, because I'm just doing what I want. Because I've been I've been working. I've been building this business that way for almost four years now. And I still am practicing, like we were talking about, I just had a session with my clients that I still have to remind myself like, yeah, it's okay, that that was fun. It's okay that you literally love the people that you work with, and that they pay you good money for the practice, but practicing that, as opposed to practicing trying to cram yourself into a mold that doesn't fit or overloading your plate with 80 hours of work and a 24 hour day, like that is a lot harder, and feels a lot worse. So I'd rather practice this and get better at that which I am. And you can and it's just so much better. Why would you not?
Patricia Sung 16:57
Yeah, like, Oh, my brain is just like churning, churning, churning with thinking about this from like, the bird's eye view of the whole culture and systems. And I'm like, oh, it's like making my head hurt at the same time of like, wow.
Tracy Stanger 17:10
Because you can see it right. Like, if you are trying to do it all, if you're trying to be supermom, and Pinterest mom and also rent a business and do all the things that all the people are selling you, they're like, you're so overwhelmed, there's so much to do, it literally cannot fit in your day. So then you feel like shit. And so then you buy the things that are supposed to help you do it. And then they don't either. And now you feel more like crap. And it's just like this horrible, horrible cycle. And you never arrested my friend, Kelly is an actual home organizer. And she talks about this, like, if you're too busy to give a fuck, then you're safe, right? Or the systems are safe, because we don't have the energy or the rest or the creativity to go fix it. So but if you start saying no to that, and you start being relaxed and rested and happy, like then what can you do, then? What impact can you make on the world?
Patricia Sung 18:04
And for so many moms, like that's not even in the realm of possibility right now, because they're so tired.
Tracy Stanger 18:13
Yeah. But it is possible. I know, it doesn't feel like it. But it is and I have seen like, if you don't address it, if you don't start saying no to something's your body's gonna make you either, like I quit a previous business. And that's how I ended up in that nine to five. But then I had to quit to do this. But I was so burnt out, like trying to do, I was so into marketing, marketing marketing, I thought I needed to be doing that 24/7 Or my business was never gonna take off. And so I couldn't even like sit down and read a book without feeling bad about it. Or I've just heard from someone the other day, like, I worked myself so hard this summer, it made me sick, like then she had to take two weeks off. And also if you're doing all the things, then you're diluting your energy and not being able to get any of those things done. Well. But yeah, you just have to, even when it feels like I can't, but you're so tired. You have to give yourself just a sliver, and then you can make it bigger, but like start saying no, this thing, and start getting that rest and meals and that will that will light the spark and you'll want to keep going.
Patricia Sung 19:17
Earlier this month, I hosted my first retreat the first time and some of the moms it was the very first time they've ever been away from their family since they had had kids. And they were all just like, I didn't realize that I hadn't rested. Yeah, since I had my cane like they it was like, you know, you just get like so head down into that. Like, I didn't even realize that I was resting that I wasn't taking care of myself. Because like you just like go go going and they got like this little taste. They're like, what is this? And it was fascinating to see like because we we meet regularly with my students and they were all like So till at our next meeting, like riding the high of being rested, it was amazing to watch.
Tracy Stanger 20:07
And can I point out, they probably didn't think they had time for that either. Oh, no, the time and they did it, and they didn't have the time. Like, I always will go back to your body's gonna make you take it one way or the other. If you got sick right now, like everything was dropping everything would still be fine in a week. So why not give yourself a break? If you need an hour to take a bath? As we love to do Patricia's and the hammock in the backyard. Yes, the hammock, I mean that you can take it and say no to something that wasn't so important. Not everything needs to actually have a giant list of shit. You don't have to do video on my Instagram. If you ever need some inspiration for something that you don't need to do that you think you do. It's basically everything. There's like always a way to say notice something? If Yeah, if you think maybe you could.
Patricia Sung 20:58
Okay, let me back up. So I think what really hit home there is that if you get the stomach flu today, you're down for the count. You figure it out. Like is it awful? Yes. Does it totally suck? Yes. And yet, like when you call the dentist and you're like, I can't come in today, our family has the stomach bag. They're like, cool. Thanks, Joe.
Tracy Stanger 21:20
Yeah, and even if you were too sick to call them, they'll be fine. It'll be fine.
Patricia Sung 21:25
And like, whatever plans you had, if you tell them, hey, we have the stomach bag, nobody's gonna die. Everyone will be fine without you like not to say that we should just go around like willy nilly not showing up for things we said we would do when there is some level of like, we feel like we have to do all the things. But yet, in those times that we don't do all the things because we literally cannot, it was still fine.
Tracy Stanger 21:49
Yeah, like goes on. And if you try and do this ahead of time, and make plans for what you're not going to do and figure out what am I going to do instead? Like, you know, you can't just say, in business like, well, I don't like Instagram, I'm not gonna do it anymore. It's the end. And like, without kind of having something, another idea that's going to help you bring in referrals, you do still have to have like the things that mattered happening, but it goes down to what are the results you're looking for? What's the easiest, most fun, most new way to get them?
Patricia Sung 22:22
Besides, like, obviously, you know, when you push too hard, eventually your body's just gonna tell you nope, I'm done. And like, cut you off. Are you constantly scrambling to get things done? You never seem to have quite enough time to do it all. And it feels like you're drinking from a firehose, and then you get mad at yourself, because you should have been ready because you knew about that birthday party or that field trip or that vacation for a long time now, and yet somehow, you still aren't ready. As ADHD moms, we spend a lot of time living reactively you're playing Whack a Mole throughout the day dealing with one emergency or surprise after another. You feel like you don't even have time to catch your breath. This is a really stressful way to live every day. The hard part is it we live in the now not the not now. And all those things the birthday party, the vacation the field trip, they're all not now until suddenly, they are now how do you move those things from not now to now before they are emergency. Now, by doing some proactive planning. Every month, I look ahead at what's coming up so that my brain recognizes that it's coming soon it brings the knot now into the now temporarily, I'm sharing this tried and true strategy with you. So head over to my website, Patricia sung.com. Forward slash month ahead. It's all one word month ahead lowercase letters, and you can download it for free how in just 1015 minutes, you can walk through what's coming up and help your brain move from reactive to proactive this 10 or 15 Min activity once a month saves a future me tons of hours of stress and panic. And I want that for you too. So go to my website, Patricia sung.com forward slash month ahead and grab your free ADHD friendly strategy, which is my secret on how I overcome time blindness and lower your stress a whole bunch future you will thank you so much in a couple of weeks. So go grab it now. Patricia sung.com forward slash month ahead. m o n t h a h e a d So let's dig in to the practical how do we actually do less? What like if we think about like, I'm gonna ask you that from like a wide view but then also I'm gonna ask you like specifically today what's something I can do so like zoom, totally zoom out and then zoom in. How do we do less?
Tracy Stanger 24:47
Okay, big picture. You have to try it. I hate saying that as like this is all you have to do. But like every person that I have interviewed that I have talked to that is like on the other side of this That was their first step, just trying it. But I can break that down to like smaller steps. First thing you really have to do is agreeing that it's possible that you don't have to do everything that you think you do, do just have to be like willing, and open to that idea. And then I like to say, like, put your little antenna up, and just start noticing throughout the day, like, I hate doing the dishes. I don't ever want to clean a toilet ball again. I love talking to people on a podcast, just start noticing, what's your favorite, what's not what's making the most impact, like, Oh, I feel like I need to clean my baseboards every Tuesday. But if I only do it once a month, my floors are still clean, and I'm still a good mom and everything is fine. So start noticing, just noticing what maybe doesn't need doing like those extra college papers that I didn't write because wasn't gonna get me any better grades.
Patricia Sung 25:57
Can you see that, like so liberating that you said that, like I was the kid who did every single thing, and was like killing myself to be able to get every single thing done. And I'm like, Ah, having permission to be like, you don't have to do every single thing. It's like,
Tracy Stanger 26:10
yeah, I finished with college. Because in high school, that was not an option, right? Like, you have to do everything or it feels like it. But when I was like my money paying for my school, and I knew I needed to get information, and I needed to learn. But I didn't need to jump through that hoop over there. I felt so good. And again, it comes down to like you're breaking your back trying to do everything, when you literally don't have time for everything. Like I didn't have time for all those homeworks. I also had jobs and businesses and wanted to hang out with my friends. And so like you make space for what you have. But yeah, just putting the antenna up to look for now that you believe I don't have to do everything look for what is something that I could not do. And then the next step is literally saying no to it. Just try saying no to one thing, like I had a client a couple of years ago, just started with one thing like I don't like this, I'm stopping doing that gave her the space to just start playing around. And she came up with a different idea that then it just started this whole ball rolling of momentum. Like just by saying no to one little thing brought up this impactful like I came up with a new offer. The people have got amazing impact from it started talking about me. And but other than just I'm saying no once, so to say no. But I will offer this with also from the home or world the idea of outbox, which is something I learned from apartment therapy back in the day. Like if you're cleaning out your closet, and you think I don't need this shirt, but you're not totally sure you're ready to get rid of it. You put it in the outbox to get in a closet, sit in the garage or whatever, and you just get used to not having it. So you can say no to something, knowing you can pick it back up later if you do miss it. But once you notice that you didn't, then you can like get rid of it forever.
Patricia Sung 28:00
I really like that. Because when like when you have ADHD we see time like isn't like now and not now. And we make these decisions. For example, like one thing I'm debating right now is like, do I really want to spend this much time on Instagram? And like, I feel like if I say I'm not going to spend time on Instagram, I'm saying I'm not going to spend time on Instagram for all of time forever. And it's not. But that's how ADHD brains think of like when I make this decision. It's like it only exists right now. And that's how it will then be forever. We don't think about like, hey, what if I just took a break for like two weeks and see how I felt about it? And then circle back that feels like, oh, okay, okay, I can do that. But when I see like, I'm going to make less reels, or I'm not going to make reels. There's like, Oh, what if I didn't do it forever? And yeah, is a really hard piece for our brains to wrap around. So I think that's a really great tip for people with ADHD is like, you don't have to say no, forever, you can just put it in a box. And like, check back later on. Do you miss it? Do you not? Or maybe you just don't ever check back and it was not a problem at all.
Tracy Stanger 29:09
Yeah, if you don't ever remember to go check in the outbox, then you're done good. And you didn't know. You could easily cut that. And I want to share the you know, the more smaller picture that you're asking for to like, literally what I would suggest is sort purge and organize. And again, this is from home organization, just like someone would come in and clean out your kitchen cupboards. Right? You'd have to pull everything out to sort through maybe you're sorting through your chores list, or you're sorting through the tasks that you assigned yourself for the day, both mom and business or whatever, literally sort through what am I working with here? And we actually in my course, use a time budget. So just like you have a budget for your home, you only have so much income for a month, right? You have to decide what's the essential items and wife's discretionary spending. So we do that with your time as well. You have 168 Get hours in the week. Where are they going to? What do you want them to be going to? Does that freak you out?
Patricia Sung 30:05
I like like, on one hand like it sounds a lot and I was like, Wait is that including sleep? Oh man like,
Tracy Stanger 30:13
I least exterior because I just for sleep for me. But actually sorting through what is my cupboard space look like? What is my time budget look like? And then you can figure out what do I need to purge? What do I need to get rid of to actually be able to fit all of this stuff in my cupboard, and then organize what's left. So you know, home organizer would be putting stuff in baskets and making the systems that are easy for your family to follow, then you do the same thing for the tasks that you have decided belong on your to do list within your time budget, you organize, you make them easier to get done. Or you decide when you're going to do them or like time blocks or anything, but sort purge and organize. So it's literally just step by step, what you can do to help yourself, start figuring out what could I not do? What could I make easier?
Patricia Sung 31:01
I think especially for moms, there's so much guilt in saying like, I want to purge dishes or cooking, or like all those like home tasks. What do you tell women because like, I see this a lot in my like, when I'm working with business owners to have like, we don't feel bad hiring a VA to help us at work. We feel real bad about hiring somebody to help with home things. But a lot of times, that's actually the better place to get help, because you keep doing them. Yeah, how do you like how do you help women work through that? Like, it's okay for you to ask for help around your house and not be the cook and the cleaner? And all in Nn? Yeah, it's
Tracy Stanger 31:44
It's super hard. And again, I want to be like, just try it. Or, you know, I don't subscribe to the idea of mom guilt, like I just never have. But I don't I think there's probably a step between having mom guilt and deciding you don't want to have mom guilt anymore. You don't acknowledge it anymore. But I can tell you from having seen it, I did that too. I dishes, cooking, and cleaning the house are like the hardest for me. And I have spent a lot of time even before I was a mom just as a life or as an adult thinking I need to know how to keep my house spotless along with all the other things that I want to do. And like I've studied homemaking, books and stuff like that. But then it kept coming down to I don't want to like I'm either not doing it and feeling guilty about it or doing it and hating it, or like it's just not ever getting done. And I was like, this has nothing to do with me. This isn't my skill. I'm teaching women to find your zone of genius, right to do the things that are the most view your strengths and cut out the rest. Who said that mopping was one of my strengths, like why on earth should that be something that I have to do when it can be done without me, and maybe less by asking for help in your house, like making the kids do it or having your partner do it. But for me, we finally did hire someone to clean the house every other week, it's been a year or so now. And even though we couldn't technically afford it, maybe at the time, but like it became a non negotiable, because it's so nice having a clean house and not just the like few hours that it would take you to clean the house every week, the extra hours on top of that of the beating yourself up for not enjoying it or not being good at it or whatever. All of that space clears you up so much for the other things that are important and do make you a good mom. I think that's the problem, right? Where like, if I don't clean my own house, I'm not a good mom. Or if I delegate any of this stuff, like you're not doing your job. That's not your job. Your job is to love and to keep your kids alive and happy ish and healthy. That's it and it doesn't mean that you have to be like dusting
Patricia Sung 34:06
them like Wait, how did you go to like, I don't subscribe to mom guilt. I'm like, fascinate. I
Tracy Stanger 34:11
know. How do you I guess? I don't know. It's just I think it's just because like, how much better does it feel not doing it? I just want to feel good. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I'm selfish but like, I don't want to spend time doing that. I would like to just be happy. And so if I don't put those undue burdens on me. Well, I happier. Yeah, I don't know. It's because that seemed like doable. I think there's an extra step. I want you to investigate.
Patricia Sung 34:38
I mean, for me, I don't feel bad at all having a housecleaner I love her so much. She makes my life so easy. I just hear that a lot when I talked to moms about like, well, what if you were to get some help around the house? That's what I hear is like, oh, no, I can't do that. That's part of my job. Yeah. And I'm like, but But
Tracy Stanger 35:00
Okay, so let's Yeah, here's maybe the missing step. And again, it goes back to focusing on what are the results? So maybe that's what you can do. Mom is like, remember, what is it that I'm trying to get done? It's not have a clean house, it's have a healthy family, and maybe a clean environment as part of that. But it's not you having to do it that makes that happen. If you would rather be less harried and more relaxed and present with your children, instead of worrying about all this stuff you think you have to do? Like, wouldn't that be better for everybody? And it probably you could look into your personality. Again, an obliger and Gretchen Rubin score tendencies would have an easier time with this remembering, like how you're better able to help your family by not doing that. Not doing that stuff by giving yourself extra space, or a question or would need to like think through probably what I just said, If I'm a question or two, like I would want to know, well, what are the results? So yeah, of course, it could be any number of different ways to get there and kind of talk yourself out of that other thing and uphold there. You just want to do like what you're supposed to write? Well, what you're supposed to, again, like I said is be there doesn't mean you have to be doing everything yourself.
Patricia Sung 36:14
Yeah. What's the fourth one?
Tracy Stanger 36:16
It's a rebel. And I feel like they would just be on board because I don't want to do anything I don't want to do is what a rebel is saying. They're gonna be I think they're gonna be quick to, like, send me Yeah. Okay. challenge me to hire a house cleaner done.
Patricia Sung 36:32
I'm like, I took that a really long time ago, and I can't remember which one I am.
Tracy Stanger 36:35
So it depends on like, how easy is it for you to meet expectations set by others and set by yourself? So if you're an upholder, and has an expectation, I'm gonna do it. If you're an obliger. It's really easy to set expectations to do meet expectations set by others are really hard when it's something that just you had decided you want to do. That's most people, and I think probably more moms as well, because we're like, No, sir. Rebel. upholder. Yeah, you just need, like, if it's the rule, you're on it.
Patricia Sung 37:03
Yeah. Tell me the job. I got it. Like, I just need them. I need my parameters. And I'll go.
Tracy Stanger 37:08
You don't need to like so a questionnaire will be like, but why? I need to understand why that's the parameters?
Patricia Sung 37:13
Oh, that's a good question.
Tracy Stanger 37:14
I feel it's the it depends, like a questionnaire is like, as long as I've decided that's a good idea, then I'm on it, and a rebel will not want to do it. Even if it's their own idea. That's my husband. He's like, I want to do yoga and go for walks and eat better. But I'm not gonna,
Patricia Sung 37:31
like, do I feel like a younger me would have just done it no matter what older me is like, Wait, why? Why do I need to do that? Okay, fine, then I'm in like, now, if you can't tell me why, like, I wonder
Tracy Stanger 37:43
your question or a question or like, well,
Patricia Sung 37:46
I have to take that test. Okay. Something else that I don't need to be doing that I'll do. Okay. So my last question before we get into the lightning round, is when we're actually trying to like prioritize, because prioritizing is really hard for ADHD brains? Is it? How do we know that? Those are the things that we should be saying yes, to? or No to? Hmm,
Tracy Stanger 38:04
That's a good question. So there's like, you want to set some parameters, kind of the things you want to do. So here, let me say it this way, when we do the time budget exercise in my course, I'm here trying to figure out okay, here's all the things that I could be doing with my day, but haven't you start with what do you want to be doing? And then what do you have to be doing? But as you start practicing this, that list gets kind of harder, because you start questioning, nothing has to be done, what even goes there? And then lastly, is like, what are you doing just by inertia, which is like because you think you have you know, it's just like expected or you always have, so you still do to kind of start looking at that. And then the other hand of that is looking at what's the most impactful? Again, I will say, a million times, like focus on the results, what is the result that you're trying to get from that action? Or that task? And is that the best? easiest, most your way to get those results? Could you have more fun? Do we even need those results? Like and start just start asking those questions. And you'll start seeing what you can purge, I think looking at like, what are the results? And what's the most impactful? Like, what's getting me those. And I think we've talked about this before, like in marketing, right? You could be five different places, you could be on LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook, but which of those is doing the heavy lifting for you, the 8020 rule says you get 80% of your results from only 20% of your effort. So looking for the thing that's most impactful getting those 80% of results with just 20% of your effort and then just start saying no to the rest.
Patricia Sung 39:33
That's the hard part. For me. It's funny because like I feel like I'm so good at helping everyone else sort through things and then when it comes to my own I'm like hi now always makes me like, I mean half of me is like laughing and other half of me is like what the heck Patricia?
Tracy Stanger 39:50
Yeah, follow what you do for them. I posted my site the way I coach others all the time, and it's a lot harder sometimes When it's like, when it's your own stuff, but yeah, this works for me and for my clients. So I just keep going through it like I actually did that the other day I have a find the poppy questionnaire like find the the thing that's like bugging you the most in your business. And I was like something bugging me. All right, I gotta do that. Literally go about my own question. Now.
Patricia Sung 40:24
Yeah, no, it was just cracking me because I it's like I asked my clients to turn around. And sometimes I'm like, Patricia, all you have to do is just follow your own advice. And then yes, like, Oh, right. But I think that's like, a forgiveness moment to for for ADHD is that, you know, we often know what to do, and we even know how to do it. But actually, like getting started and getting moving is the hard part. Because when it feels like a really big project, when it feels like big and unwieldy and overwhelming. It's like, I don't even know where to begin, even though like, technically we do. It's just that we're so badly dressed that we don't see step one. It's like, okay, Patricia, hello. Slow down, follow your steps, like take a deep breath.
Tracy Stanger 41:11
Yes, that's what I was about to say like, when it's to that level, that's when you need your retreat that you just went on. But I didn't think I have time for this. I'm so overwhelmed. And then now you said they're like, so excited. So ready to work this this time, you need that break. So when you're at that you if you've got the process in front of you, you know, I need to sort purge and organize, I need to my antenna up, whatever. But even that is feeling too hard. That's a sign to just do nothing for a second, just take a break. That's where that hammock comes into. Like I've definitely had those moments like, I don't know what's going on. I know I could do. My assignment today is to go sit down. And that's working.
Patricia Sung 41:52
Yeah. And like we talked about that at the retreat, too. Like we as moms don't consider rest to be a productive thing. Like we feel bad or we feel guilty for stopping. And it's like, but we have so much to do, and how could I quote unquote, waste? I was saying, I've granted this podcast. Yeah, well, air quotes, waste that time slowing down. It's like, no, that's what you need. That's
Tracy Stanger 42:13
important. Yeah, rest is productive. And I've actually had really interesting conversations with people about this too, that like, we shouldn't have to label risk as productive in order to allow ourselves to take it. And that's true, but it has a byproduct of productivity. Because when you rest, you give your brain a frickin minute to relax, and start coming up with those good ideas and know what to do next. And you know, tap back into your intuition, but you have to have rest consistently part of your schedule, in order for that to work actually is productive, but it is also just deserved. You just deserve it. You're a human person. Like, I like to think of this too. Like would you have your kids on this crazy schedule? Like, would you expect all of this stuff of them? Would you want them to squish down their strengths and their unique creative nests? No, like, you want to nurture that and then so do it for yourself too.
Patricia Sung 43:10
I feel like that is the perfect way to wrap up with that tidbit. So lightning round questions. I'm just going to say them you fill in the blank don't explain anything. Just answer and then we'll move on. Number one, the best thing I've read or listened to recently is
Tracy Stanger 43:26
the hate you give the hate the hate you give and you as the letter you
Patricia Sung 43:32
number two most boring about me fact is so boring. I can't come up with one that's my fact. Number three when I'm having a rough day my go to quote song poem, book activity, whatever. Is
Tracy Stanger 43:48
it this song Florence in the machine. dog days are over. Okay, number
Patricia Sung 43:53
four. Don't tell anyone I
Tracy Stanger 43:58
like to pick my nose. Like it's really fun.
Patricia Sung 44:04
If I had a magic fairy wand for just one spell, I would
Tracy Stanger 44:09
do that myself to the ocean. And then stare at it.
Patricia Sung 44:14
Number six. My best piece of advice for mamas with ADHD is
Tracy Stanger 44:19
give yourself a break and let yourself be you. Okay,
Patricia Sung 44:24
now that everybody loves you, how can they work with you and what specifically do you help them with and and how can they work with you if they feel like Tracy's Miguel?
Tracy Stanger 44:32
Okay, so I help moms build a business that fits in the time that you have, which is little time, right? So we do that by making it more you have more fun, more easy, last but bettering your business. You can come see me on Instagram. I love to share stories, you know the stories at the top of the app there. And I love to DM though that's like how we got to know each other right? Just chatting in the DMS. So I do hope that maybe come by, you will say Hi, this is where I found you. Even if you're an introvert, you can just say hi, I'm an introvert and I will take it from there. And then on Tuesdays, I host a coffee house table, you just, it's my Zoom Room, we just hang out and chat. It's just other moms in business. But we don't often talk about business we just talked about, like books and movies, and whatever's going on. And it's a really cool group. So, um, I share about it in my stories every Monday afternoon, so you can know to come? Yeah,
Patricia Sung 45:31
I think that's one of the hardest parts about being a business owner is that you're usually by yourself, either at home in your office, or even if you have like a brick and mortar and you're, you know, you're with people all day to have people that you can really talk to and relate to on that level is important. So
Tracy Stanger 45:49
by yourself are covered with kids all day, like it's people come and go like, Oh my gosh, I didn't know how much I needed to just talk with other adults that know what I'm talking about. Yeah. So
Patricia Sung 46:03
thank you. I really appreciate it. Thank you. I love what you're doing.
Tracy Stanger 46:07
It was helpful.
Patricia Sung 46:08
I know that there is more than one mom listening who was like, Thank you for the permission slip to do less and letting it be easy. And yes, you can enjoy a really great your life that's easy and built for you. So thank you.
Tracy Stanger 46:23
Thank you so much.
Patricia Sung 46:25
For more resources, classes and community head over to my website. Motherhoodinadhd.com.