Overstimulation & Dysregulation - 3 Steps for Preparing for the Holidays ADHD Style: Your Questions Answered! #166
We’ve officially entered the marathon of the holiday season!
How can we prepare for the holidays so that our sanity is still intact come January?
Maybe you want to start some holiday traditions instead of zipping through in a blur by the skin of your teeth?
Maybe you want to enjoy the season instead of drowning in overwhelm after 17 special events, 16 extra desserts, 15 late bedtimes and an neurodivergent kid in a pear tree?
Two ADHD moms in our community asked and I’m answering:
Here are my 3 steps to preparing for the holidays so that it’s a magical time for not just your kids, but you, too.
For an actionable plan to design your holidays, watch this free webinar (from a couple of years ago) on how to plan your holidays: patriciasung.com/less-holiday-stress
Patricia Sung 0:02
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung 1:08
Hey there successful mama. It's your friend Patricia Sung. Before we jump into today's episode, we've got our review of the week. This one is from Ashley Louise. She says my new favorite podcast. What a fantastic podcast as a mom of five kids, all of whom have ADHD, including my husband and myself. This podcast resonates with me so much. I just found it today. But so far, I really love episode 159 about the two ways we're exhausted yes to this, and 158 with the examples of inattentiveness, I laughed out loud more than once because I can relate to 99.9% of what you shared. You are a wealth of knowledge and I so appreciate that. You get it and you share so openly. Thank you for my new favorite podcast. Thank you so much, Ashley. I am one of five kids as well. And I really appreciate specifically on that episode of the inattentive symptoms, because I really debated hard if I should do this episode, because I think and overthink as I know you probably understand about everything I do. And I wondered like, this is not like the scientific version of ADHD like am I like doing it wrong? Because I'm over here saying like, the symptoms look like this instead of like what's in the medical journals, you know, and, and I'm working so hard on my perfectionism and not getting caught up in what I should do or shouldn't do and going with my gut. And my gut said, this episode matters. So thank you for the encouragement. I so appreciate it. And Mama, if you have not yet rated the podcast, please go to your app, click the button, write me a little note. It makes my heart really happy.
Patricia Sung 2:49
Okay, let's jump into today's episode. Well, we have officially entered the Marathon of the holiday season. Oh, it is so much from now to the end of the year. It's a lot. And we've been talking about this theme over and over again in between student community and Facebook and Instagram about how do we deal with all of this overstimulation, the out of the routine, the the two muchness of the holidays, that is really hard when you have ADHD. So today, we're gonna talk about two specific questions that I've gotten in the last week in because a lot of other questions kind of fall in the same two category. So the first question, one of the moms in my student community asked, like, how do I get ready for the holidays? Now keep in mind that we were talking about this last week before Halloween, and she's like, it's just too much for me, like how do I stick to my routines? When everything is so crazy, like, there's multiple trick or treating things and we got drunk retreat at the school, we got, you know, some in the family's birthday party. And it's all this stuff that is like, not usual, and all the candy and the sugar and like, she has a little girl who is for and autistic. And she's like, it's too much for me. And I'm supposed to help my daughter regulate, like, how do I do all of this? And I was just like, first of all, so proud of her for starting out with like, how do I take care of me? Because like, she's been one of my students for over a year. And she knows that like, it starts with her. Yes, we want to help our kids. But it starts with us.
Patricia Sung 4:18
How do we take care of ourselves so that we can be there for our kids? So that was one question I got. The second one was from a mom on Facebook who asked like, how do I prepare for the holidays? And this is what she said? Do you have any advice for time blindness and planning fun for the holidays? I always intend to have a few like quote unquote, Hallmark projects for the kids around the holidays, but then I blink and it's been gone and I barely survived by the skin of my teeth. So let's jump into that one first and then we'll go back to the first question. So my advice for her is playing it now figure out what you want to do.
Patricia Sung 4:50
Now set aside literally like 10-15 minutes and think about what do you want the holidays to look like if you have a partner or a spouse? Talk with them, like, what do we want this next, you know, six weeks this holiday season to look like if you have bigger kids, even like elementary school kids, you know preface with like, hey, no promises here, but like, what do you want to do in the holidays? What matters to you? And the goal here is to set up your holidays to match your values. What is important to you? What matters to you and your family
Patricia Sung 5:24
Chances are when you ask your kids what they want, yeah, you might get like, one harebrained scheme, but most of the time when I asked my kids what they want out of like a holiday season or a celebration, their answer is usually some form of spending quality time together, what they want, Mama is you, they want your presence, not they don't want presence. I mean, they do want presence. But more importantly, they want your presence for you to be present. For you to be less stressed for you to be like they're doing the activities with them and not so like crazy running around hustle bustle that you don't even get to do the fun activity because you're busy like worrying about all the supplies and who's happy and like bending over backwards to get all the like crazy Pinterest or the show up and running. Like what they want is you they want not super busy mom, they want not stressed out mom hijk.
Patricia Sung 6:20
I mean, I was just telling some friends the other day, we host our small group at church at our house on Sunday evenings and the icebreaker question this week was like, How do you feel about the holidays? In terms of like, Do you love it? Is it a hard time is it filled with grief, like just kind of getting like a feel for the group and how this upcoming time might be really joyous, but also might be really hard. And one of the things that I was sharing is like this time is really hard for me like as much as I love the holidays, I absolutely love the holidays. It's a really hard time for me because my mom passed away between Thanksgiving and Christmas, right around my brother and my birthday. Like it was a really rough time to go through that. And so there's always this tinge of like missing her, especially knowing she would have been like the best grandma like this is a really hard time for me. And yet, what I miss most about my mom is like just the simple traditions that she upheld that were all around quality time as a family. Like, I just missed the little things that we did together. It's not the like rigamarole show that I look back upon and miss most of the time.
Patricia Sung 7:27
The reason we love traditions is because it was with the people that we were with, not the thing that we were doing. So how can you set up this holiday to be what you want it to be is by sitting down now or doing this on a walk and talking it out loud onto like a voice recording, like the app that like will like jot down your notes for you. Just talk it out, jot it down. What do you want this to look like? What are your kids want it to look like? Because usually it's more about the quality time you're spending together, then the Pinterest worthy show. Don't me wrong, I love Pinterest, but it doesn't have to be perfect. Okay, enhanced to be what you value.
Patricia Sung 8:07
Now if you're like totally like mind blown, how do I get this done, you can sign up on this, I'm gonna give you a link. So there is a webinar that I did two or three holiday seasons ago, where I explained how to set up your whole holiday season planning ahead. And like step by step what to do to figure out what matters to you how you're gonna get it all done. If you go to my website, patriciasung.com/less-holiday-stress. So less-holiday-stress so less-holiday-stress after patriciasung.com. Okay, that will send you the link to watch this webinar that I did a couple of years ago, it's totally free. And it walks you through step by step what to do. It's probably like, I don't know, it's under 30 minutes of like the instruction part. And just keep in mind that like the class that I'm talking about, after that I don't do anymore. So just know that's not a thing. But this still has good information, I want you to have it. Okay, so go watch the video for free, figure out how to work all that through. And just you know, next month I'm starting something new meetups for ADHD moms to get together. It's a twist on being both productive and having friendship I'm going to tell you all about next week, until a bug in your ear that's coming. There is a way to plan your holidays to make sense for you so that you actually enjoy that.
Patricia Sung 9:25
Okay, now second part is the other question about how do we prepare ourselves for the emotional regulation part and the too much Nis the overwhelm all that and that's a two parter. So first we're going to prepare our kids so obviously this is going to depend on how old they are what their time concept is. Your kid is like five and under. They may not have mastered the whole like yesterday today tomorrow concept yet so, you know, don't get too far out for them because that's they can't conceptualize that time yet. But how can you prepare them for what's coming up? If it's Your kid explained the week to them, let them know kind of what's going on. If it's a younger kid, tell them what's going on either today, or maybe tomorrow at most, and explain to them exactly how it's going to be different.
Patricia Sung 10:11
So for an example of, you know, we're talking about Halloween, it's like, if you're going to a trunk or treat, and your kid gets scared by like, the different costumes, like, talk to them about it, show them pictures of like, Hey, this is us a trunk or treat last year, see how we went to each car. And they gave us snacks. And yes, sometimes there's some scary costumes. But remember, you know, it's a mask underneath. And like, you can talk about how like, take off the mask, put it on how it's just a person underneath, you can explain all that to them ahead of time. So when you get there, it's not as overwhelming to them.
Patricia Sung 10:44
Things like trying on their costume multiple times. So they get used to that reminding them of how to interact with people, if you want them to say thank you, when they get their treat, you can practice you know, coming up, say trick or treat, say thank you that kind of thing. You can learn how to interact with overbearing in laws who require hugs, if you're like, that's not my thing. You know, you can talk about what are we going to do when people try to give us hugs that we don't want, we can say I'll take a high five or whatever that works for you. Like, you know, whatever your family standard is for dealing with touchy feely people you're not interested in hugging, like, walk through those things with them. roleplay, prepare them for what that looks like. So that way, they're a little more prepared for this very unusual event.
Patricia Sung 11:30
The same thing, when it's the holidays, if there's loud music, if there's too many bright lights, what can they do when they're feeling overwhelmed? How should they tell you that it's too much for them? Obviously, you will have in your head of like keeping an eye out of like, Oh, I'm monitoring like their general level. But like, if they're like, this is too much, and I can't take it anymore. Like, can we step outside? Can we go in the bathroom for a minute, you know, what can we do when we're too overwhelmed to take a breather? So that way, they're not just overwhelmed in the moment, they have some skills and strategies to lean on when those things happen. And by that same token, it's like how can you prepare yourself, you know that this upcoming few weeks, it's going to be totally crazy. It's going to be busy, it's going to be a lot of treats and late nights and extra activities and all that how can you take care of you? How can you lower your stress level in these times, and that's going to vary person by person.
Patricia Sung 12:23
If you're more extroverted, you're more introverted, you enjoy the holiday festivities, this is really hard time for you. All of that's going to be different person by person. But so it goes back to like, what do you need in those times, it's okay to say no to activities that you don't really want to do. Like if your mother in law has seven events that she wants you to be at. And you know that you and your kid can't handle that level of stress. Ask her like, hey, you know, these are school nights, you know, we can only come to two of the events, which ones are the most important for you. And we'll try to make those to work. Or we can't do anything on school nights. Because because the kids have to be up really early. We'll see you on Friday. What makes sense for you what feels good for you? What can you take on because everything in the holidays is going to be extra capacity on top of whatever normal life is bringing.
Patricia Sung 13:13
The other good part is that if you do end up going watching that video I mentioned earlier about planning your holidays, is that when you see everything on one piece of paper, and you can like get a picture for like how much stuff you actually have on the calendar, that will give you a chance to be like, Wow, this is not doable, or okay, this is doable. And how do you want to adjust things around because you still need space for the regular parts of life like doing laundry, washing dishes, all that stuff still has to happen and making sure that there's room in there for that knowing like when you want to get the stockings up or the tree up or your menorahs out, or your lights up, like all the different things that are going on. When do you have space for those to actually get done? As an introvert? I need I need my quiet time.
Patricia Sung 13:55
So are there days there where I have scheduled like we don't have extra things going on that I can be quiet and like have some space have some downtime? Does it help you to have your shopping done ahead of time or the wrapping done ahead of time? Do you want to take a walk every afternoon to like destress the more that I dig into research about ADHD, the more that I'm seeing how much we manage our stress levels matters so much because the more stress we get, the more our frontal lobe shuts down. That's the logic part that's executive functioning depart.
Patricia Sung 14:26
The more stress we get, the harder it is for us to think well and make logical choices and use our critical thinking because we're too stressed. So know that like that's also a very normal part of stress response. And that when you find yourself getting very overwhelmed, this is the time to circle back and be like hey, what do I need to do for me and having that like go to List to rely on of like when the doodle is hitting the fan I can definitely go to these three things. I can take a walk outside, I can do some box breathing. I can go pet my dog, like whatever that is for you. so that when you're stressed in that moment, you're not trying to figure out how to fix the problem. You immediately know like, these are my go to three distressing things, and then I'll be able to make better decisions after I've calmed down. Okay, I'm getting off on a tangent. Okay, right back in Patricia. All right.
Patricia Sung 15:14
So the three steps for planning your holidays, well, dealing with the overstimulation the overwhelm the dysregulation comes down to one proactive planning to match your values, knowing what matters to you, and then proactively deciding how that could happen. And also part of that proactive planning is knowing like, what are the things you're going to cut? If it gets to be too much? That's a really great skill. Okay, I'm getting off attention. Okay. That was number one. Number two, is preparing your kids for what this is going to look like in an age appropriate timeframe. And then three for you. How can you prepare yourself? How can you lower your stress? How can you take care of you, so that you can be the best version of you, and be able to help your kids and your family regulate in this really stressful time. Alright, so one more time, if you want that free webinar to plan your holiday season, it's patriciasung.com/less-holiday-stress.
Patricia Sung 16:10
Now, speaking of holidays, as a little sneak peek, I am going to be doing three different Black Friday specials. So be sure that you are on my email list so that you get those as soon as they're available. There'll be a special deal for joining the meetups for ADHD moms. There'll be a bonus for every purchase that you make and a sweet gift certificate that I've never done before. So I'm excited to try something new, but most importantly, giving you the support you need, along with a great deal. So keep an eye out for that in your inbox. And yeah, good luck, Mama. It's gonna be a crazy marathon for the next two months. But hey, this is also the time where we have some really great memories to hang on to when things are hard. So Big hugs if this also is a hard time for you. I hear you and yeah, we'll get through it together. So I will talk to you next week. Successful mama. For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com