Are You a Good Mom? The Gift of Presence in Joyful or Joyless Motherhood #204
How many times have you questioned whether you are a “good mom”?
In the last 2 months, I’ve asked myself this at least 4000 times. This summer did not go as expected which made me doubt if I’m being a good mom.
Am I spending enough time with my boys?
Am I putting my phone down and paying attention when they talk?
Am I making my kids a priority over endless stress and anxious thoughts swirling around my head?
Here’s some wise advice I received recently from an older, more experienced mom, on how to deal with challenging decisions and seasons. Plus, I’m sharing what is working for me to keep my head above the water and continue paddling (upstream) right now.
For more emotional regulation support so you can feel like you’ve got this even when life feels like you’re paddling upstream, join me at the Create the Calm all-inclusive luxury weekend retreat or for the next round of small group ADHD coaching.
Retreat registration closes TODAY, August 31st!
The next round of group coaching starts September 14, 2023.
READY TO GET AWAY?
Our annual ADHD Moms Luxury Weekend Retreat is coming up October 6-8, 2023 in Houston, Texas!
You're officially invited :)
“Gift yourself the opportunity to meet like-minded people (literally), make instant friendships, and the space to finally be yourself.” –ADHD Mama T.H.
I’ll take care of all the details - you simply show up and enjoy.
Put it on your calendar now.
Because you deserve to take care of yourself too.
Grab your all-inclusive ticket here: https://www.patriciasung.com/adhd-mom-retreat
Patricia Sung 00:00
Are you a good mom? Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families. Well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess. Mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD. Hey there successful mama, it's your friend Patricia Sung.
Patricia Sung 01:12
Are you a good mom?
Patricia Sung 01:14
Isn't that what we're all trying to shoot for? Like, we're just trying to be a good mom. Knowing like what I do matters. And hopefully in the process, I haven't utterly lost myself, I can still have a piece of me. But yet, we're all just trying to be good moms. That's having this conversation with a mom who is older and wiser and more experienced than I am. And she said, she read in a book a few years back that any choice you make for your family, for your kids is a good choice, as long as you have thoughtfully considered it. And then you explain to your kids that you have thoughtfully considered it, that you are trying that you're doing your best, and that you're putting in effort. And honestly, like I really needed to hear that because this summer was really hard juggling all the things you listened to last episode, like just so much stuff going on? And realizing like how am I going to keep up with all the things that are important to me. Because even with all my strategies of prioritizing and creating schedules, and having rhythms and routines like this was so a really hard summer. And I think that like as much as I love all the strategies and structure that I know that they were way more effective. Because I was in a good headspace I was able to stay present. And I was able to stay calm and make good choices because I was in a good headspace. The more I do what I do, the more I see this theme of like, are we in a good headspace? Are we able to be present? Are we able to think through and make this like thoughtful consideration kind of decision, then those are the times where we're able to be successful. I just got finished the q&a day in successful mom meetups where moms can ask. We know whatever's on their mind, of course related questions, just random ADHD questions. And, you know, depending on how many questions are are and how detailed they are, I can usually get through a few in this because able to get through four of them. Here's the four questions that we ran through is one how to talk to an eight year old child and give instructions when they are like yelling or interrupting or just like repeating the phrase over and over again, instead of really listening to what you're saying. They're just talking at you. The second mom was struggling with how to help her seven year old who is highly anxious, how to work through that fear how to still be okay, even though things are hard. The third question was about how to untangle physical pain, like how do we show up for our families and like, physically, we aren't at 100%. And we're struggling with our health, or like, whatever, you know, chronic illness or like permanent problem exists, it's not going away anytime soon. How do we still show up for our families? And the fourth question I answered was about how to get a homeschool routine in place when it's really outside of the norm of what's been going on. And as I'm answering all these, like I realized, like all of these moms are good moms. They have done the research, they've read all the books, they're here listening to the podcast, or making the chore charts, they're doing all the things and things are still hard. And all of my answers were turning back to the emotional regulation side. Because yes, I do have lots of ideas. I probably have some ideas you haven't thought of yet just based on experience and how many people I've worked with with ADHD and what they've shared with me and like all the you know, tools and tips and everything that I've gathered from my communities, but like more important to me is not that we have more strategies, but like, are we in a place where we can make them happen? As I was jotting down my notes this morning about what I was going to chat about with you today. This song popped in my head. You want thing about I've gotten 20 Because each of these moms has tried at least 20 different things to make it work But then Ariel goes on to like,
Patricia Sung 05:02
but who cares? No big deal. I want more. I want to be where the people are. I want to see want to see them dancing. We'll walk around on those. What do you call them? Oh feet. Flipping the offends you don't get too far. Legs are required for jumping, dancing, strolling along down that.
Patricia Sung 05:31
What's that word again? Oh street. So even though Ariel has all the things, the doodads, the thing about the dinglehopper is what she wanted was the connection. She wanted the joy. She wanted the gift of presence, she wanted to be present. And I think that's what we're looking for as moms when we're in the thick of it. Like what we want most is joy. How do we stay joyful and present in the moment when things are really hard? There's never a point where things are just super easy. Like, oh, wow, my life is so great. Like, how often does that happen in life? Not that often. We're usually dealing with something. And all of these moms are asking me like, how do we solve this problem? How do we get through this hurdle? How do we overcome this obstacle, because why they want the joy again, they want their kid to be happy. They want to be able to have communication and like closeness with their kid again, they want to be able to show up and be present for their family, even when their body is not cooperating. They want to show up and teach their kid and create an environment that works well for them, where they can actually enjoy the day with their kid and teach them stuff. Like how do we gain that joy again, and as they think back to like having been so sick the last few years. My rock bottom point was when I realized how much joy I did not have how much joy was missing. I was in a small group for my church, like the lesson was about joy. And the question was like, What was the last like, really joyful moment you had and I literally couldn't think of one in the past like six months a year before that, like no joy. And that was the breaking point to be like, I can't do this anymore, I have to do something different. I can't stay here, this is no longer tenable. I can't do this anymore. And while I have done tons of things to get my joy and my health back, like I've been there, well, I mean, I've been in therapy for a while I'm still in therapy. Like I did umpteen treatments and tests and what supplements and doctor's appointments and physical therapy, like all the things I tried all the things. And if I were to go back and look at that whole list of like what's made the biggest difference, it's my emotional regulation skills. Number one hands down, understanding that, you know, when you lose it with your family, and you're like, oh my gosh, I don't understand what happened, everything was fine. I went from zero to 100, it was a disaster, and they exploded it you know, knowing that you didn't go from zero to 100, you were already at 99. And you didn't know and that one point tipped you over. So the fact that I now know how my nervous system works, and that you can understand how your body functions so you can work with it. Like sidenote, I have a workshop coming up in September about energy regulation, keep an eye on that. I'm super excited about it. Like understanding how your body works, what you need, the patterns you have. All that understanding me is what made the most difference. Having those emotional regulation skills to be able to get out of being in this like fun freeze mode, being able to dig myself up to get up to fight or flight and then dig myself claw my way out of the hole to get up to like a normal place and be able to create calm in my life, despite everything else going on all the things that I can't control, having this skill set to recognize how I can listen to my body so that I know when I'm getting towards the brink, I understand that I'm getting close to 99. And it's going to explode soon. But then also how to back off before I crash over that edge. How do I calm down when I'm losing it? How do I stop these racing, illogical thoughts that take over? How do we stay present with myself in the moment without shutting down or shutting other people out all the time? Like, yes, sometimes that shutting down and shutting out is very important. That's why it's built into our body. But I do not want it to be my default mode anymore. Now I know how to take care of myself and be present in the moment to have calm and peace even when life is not calm and peaceful because I can create it and like I'm not perfect. I'd say you know, I'm still gonna like 8020 20% of the time still hard, but II percent of the time and good. I want this for you too. I want you to be able to know in the emotional regulation skills of what creates calm for you. What do you need to feel safe, to feel peaceful to create that calm in your environment? What are the things that you need? Secondly, how do you recognize when things are escalating and you are exiting that area of calm having that aware? needs to know what are the things that are going to bother you. And knowing that it's happening is a huge part of emotional regulation, being able to recognize it. And so many of us with ADHD cannot recognize it. We don't even recognize basic like cues of hunger and thirst. And we talked about that a few episodes ago, I'll put in the show notes, like, being able to recognize the tiniest cues like basic human functions. Oh, wait, I have to go to the bathroom. It's an emergency because I didn't notice an hour ago when I started to have to go to the bathroom, or I ignored it being able to recognize the clues along the way and having awareness of when things are starting to go south. And then the third part is that when things are going off the rails, how do we regain control in that moment? How do we pull it together so that we don't fall off the edge of the cliff, I've got a free video resource, I'll put it in the show notes like 10 ways to hold it together when you're feeling overwhelmed, because they want you to be able to have the skills to be able to take care of yourself. Mama, are you ready to get away, You are cordially invited to this year's annual retreat are successful as a mother luxury weekend getaway retreat conference amazingness that is happening this October. This is a chance for you to get away and take a break and truly rest for you to learn about your brain in a way that makes sense for you. And most importantly, know that you are not alone and have a real life community of moms who get you we are staying at a beautiful four star hotel. This is an all inclusive event, which means I will handle everything for you. Once you arrive, I take care of your hotel, I take care of your meals that you neither cooks nor cleaned up, nor cut anybody else's food up that you truly get to have a weekend where you take care of you because you deserve rest you deserve to be taken care of. And I'm going to do that for you at this retreat. So I invite you to go ahead and grab your ticket at https://www.patriciasung.com/adhd-mom-retreat. Again, that's https://www.patriciasung.com/adhd-mom-retreat, grab your ticket, and let's hang out in person, I cannot wait to meet you.
Patricia Sung 12:19
So to have these things, to have these skills in place, is to me the secret sauce of making all the strategies work. But yes, you can get a lot done with strategies. I teach them all the time. And knowing that when I have my emotional regulation skills in place, that makes everything else easier, it makes everything else function better. Not perfectly, but better. It makes everything easier. Because I'm present, I am calm, I can make logical choices like my brain is online because I'm in a place where I can. Because when we're in fight or flight, or we're in freeze or fawn like we don't have capacity to make good decisions, we don't have capacity for using our creative problem solving skills. We don't have capacity to connect and build relationships, because we're just trying to survive. And we don't have to live like that we don't have to stay in this place of barely getting by barely surviving, we can be in a place of thriving with ADHD no matter what the storm is that you're dealing with. So how can we make this happen? One, if you're listening to this in real time, today is the last day to sign up for the retreat next month. Now if you're listening to this afterwards, go to the website, put your name on the waitlist so that you can be at the next one. But on this retreat in October like we are spending Saturday morning diving into how do you create calm in the midst of the chaos, I know that there's never like a great time to leave your family. There's always stuff going on as moms, we're always juggling things. But you've got to put yourself on the priority list somewhere. And it may as well be now like let me take care of you for the weekend. Come hang out, I will take care of you. You get to rest for this weekend. And I'm going to teach you how to do these things like it's like a whirlwind intensive like I'm going to download like as many skills as I can in that morning. But also like the rest of the weekends built around rest, taking care of you creating space for you to like breathe and not be in charge of all the things and like let your guard down and be just in the moment and taking care of just you and I'm doing most of the work you get to just rest mama I want you to be here with me and the other eight moms who are taking time to learn about ourselves to help set ourselves up for success and to take time to rest and take care of yourself. If you want more details on the retreat you can listen to last week's episode so head over to https://www.patriciasung.com/adhd-mom-retreat and sign up. Today's the last day or put yourself on the waitlist if you're listening to this later, put yourself on the priority list. The second way that I can help you with this is through group Coaching. In Lighthouse group coaching, this is where we're layering together both the strategy and the emotional regulation skills to bring calm into your life. So whereas the retreat is like an immersive one weekend, get as much as you can, in a short amount of time. This is like full three months together. So we're looking at like, how do you create structure that fits you in your life, creating flexible systems to run your family life like routines, you actually like if you want to call them rhythms because it sounds better call them rhythms. But these are things you actually want to do, because they're helping you and they're built to fit your ADHD and to keep up with all the things that moms have to keep up with. So we're pairing it with my course about time management, mastery, and figuring out like, what are the systems that your family needs to stay on track. And the reason we can implement all these strategies, because we're working on emotional regulation, as we work together, like you know, what creates calm for you, you know, how to recognize when things are escalating, you have that awareness, and then you are able to then regain the calm in the moment and you have those skills so that you can see like when your kid is not listening at all, and like just repeating yelling, you know, something back at you, instead of doing the thing you ask them, you can see that as like, wow, this communication they are delivering to me is showing me that they're very dysregulated. And they're not able to receive my communication at this point. So what can I do to then help my kid get to a place where they're regulated enough where they can actually hear the words that are coming out of my mouth, and they're not looking at me like I'm trying to draw a fight because they're definitely in fight mode. At that point. They're fully in fight or flight, and they can't receive information I'm giving. So how do I help them get to a place where they are regulated again, so that they can receive that information? So as you learn all these things, you can then turn around and teach them to your kids? How do they build structures that fit their ADHD brains or their neurotypical brains? How do they build their emotional regulation skills so that they know what is calming for them, they know that they can recognize when things are escalating and have that awareness, and they know how to regain calm for themselves in the moment. So the next round of this group coaching is actually happening in about two weeks. So now's the time to sign up, you're gonna go to Patricia sung.com, forward slash lighthouse, all one word, and sign up. There's a couple of spots left in the next group, and I want you to have the skills for you and your family. Hey, and if it turns out that group coaching or the retreat on in the cards for right now cool, come hang out and successful mama meetups show up,
Patricia Sung 17:30
get stuff done,
Patricia Sung 17:31
build your community, we have monthly themes, we talk about this kind of stuff. September's theme is all about energy regulation. And of course, you can always download my free resources like that how to stay calm when you're losing it. Video, it's in the show notes like, the main point is like, don't say sack, do something like that's what makes you a good mom, like you're trying. You're thinking about stuff, you're contemplating things, you are doing your best. And you keep going by the fact that you're here listening tells me you haven't given up completely yet. Like you are trying. Even when you feel like you're not doing enough, you're doing something and some days, that's all we can ask of ourselves. And other days we have more to give but the point is you keep going that's what makes you a good mom. So I am here to support you wherever you are in your journey. If you're ready to come hang out and enjoy an amazing weekend retreat with me go sign up on the website right now. https://www.patriciasung.com/adhd-mom-retreat. And if you're ready for really digging in and making a difference, sign up for group coaching. It's https://www.patriciasung.com/lighthouse come join the community and successful mommy tips like make this happen. Do something to take care of yourself because you are a good mom. Successful mama because you're doing as much as you can. With what you got a talk to you soon successful. For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com