Building a Stronger, Healthier Family for Generations: When Mom Takes Care of Herself, Everyone Wins #223
We all know someone who has an emotionally immature parent.
The one who lays on guilt trips.
The one who never shows up.
The one who struggles with demons bigger than their kids.
Maybe it’s you.
Maybe it’s your neighbor or your best friend.
As a mom, it hits different.
You see the pain, the nuance, the struggle a little more clearly. And yet you still can’t fix the other person.
But you can make changes in your life and for your own children.
Today, I’m not holding back from the tough conversation of emotionally immature parenting and breaking the cycles of brokenness in your family.
I want you to know wholeheartedly that when you’re taking care of yourself, you ARE caring for your family, too. Self-care is the opposite of selfishness. By learning how to take care of yourself, you can teach your kids those same invaluable skills.
Listen to this week’s episode and let’s do the hard work of breaking and rebuilding cycles together.
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Patricia Sung 00:00
Is taking care of yourself first selfish? I've talked to a lot of moms that feel this way. So let's peel back the onion on the guilt, shame and struggle that come with taking care of yourself as a mom. Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family, I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families. Well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess, Mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to Motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung 01:22
Hey there successful mama. It's your friend Patricia Sung. I recently was chatting at a party with another mom who has ADHD. And I was talking to her about my coaching program. And she was like, Well, if it was for my daughter, I'd buy it in a second. But like, I'm not going to spend that money on me. So just been sitting here like chewing on this. I'm like, I like come I need your brain was like I recently did this. This was how this happened at least six months ago. Yeah, yep. Yeah, definitely over six months ago, like, I have been chewing on this for months of like, how do I get moms to understand how important it is to take care of yourself.
Patricia Sung 01:55
But also not feel bad that you're not spending the money on your kids. And like I just keep sitting on it. Because like, I get that it's like a really sticky subject in talking about the guilt and shame around choosing yourself and like for your kids, and I don't ever want it to be like, I'm not telling you the truth. But also, I don't want to use your kids as tools to be like more haha, if you don't take care of yourself, your kids were being ruined forever. Ah, well, how do I explain this and carefully weed through the guilt and the shame that come with talking about your kids and taking care of yourself and like wanting to be a good mom and not wanting to be a bad mom.
Patricia Sung 02:38
And as I was talking to one of my good friends, she was like, Patricia, you just have to be honest, like people will see your heart in that. And they need to hear that it's okay to take care of yourself. I was like, Okay, I'm gonna give this a try. Because like, what I wish I had said to that lady at the party, was that anytime you spend money on yourself, like you are spending money on your kids, and I'm not talking about like buying junk at Target I'm talking about, like, when you're really spending money on yourself from like, a mental health perspective, or like doing what's like a good thing for you to be happy. Like, even if it is a frivolous thing from the Dollar Spot, like, you are important enough to be worthy of that dollar spend.
Patricia Sung 03:20
And like granted, you're worthy of millions of dollars of money spent and organized, probably don't have millions of dollars, but your value isn't tied to the money. But like you're worthy of that. And when you learn how to take care of yourself, that ripples out to your kids like the thing of like you teach a man to fish and you can eat forever, instead of like handing him a fish. That is not how the saying goes teaching me and you hand him in a fish he eats for a day, give it no give a man a fish, he eats for a day Teach a man to fish and he eats forever. It's like when you learn these skills for you on how to take care of yourself, you can then turn around and teach your kids how to do these things. So like, yeah, you can sign up for a parenting course, which I have, by the way, I'm doing a donation based parenting course for my kids school as a fundraiser right now.
Patricia Sung 04:04
But it's like, we're also gonna be talking about you. Because when you're taking care of yourself, your kids get that benefit. And then you also can teach your kids that skill. Like you're getting multi-use out of this thing, as opposed to just learning something to help your kids. Yes, that is a very valid thing to do. But taking care of you is equally as important because it ripples out. And you get like this investment factor of like you're taking care of yourself, which means you can teach your kids how to do it and they take care of themselves and they can pass it on to their kids. And it's like this is how we start to make generational change, which is by changing the generations because your family wants you to be in a good place like your partner wants you to be in a good place.
Patricia Sung 04:44
They want a partner who is healthy and the image that came to mind is like when you're carrying furniture and you hand your dollies out to everybody else in here you are carrying like a queen sized bed and everybody else is using the dolly and you're like no I got it. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine and you're like no goober like nobody can go fast. Because you're the one without a dolly everybody else is like we can move faster. But like we're waiting on you over here trying to carry this thing by yourself with your arms. Rather than using the tools and strategies you have, like, the whole group moves faster when everybody has a dolly, because I also look at it from the opposite is that when you have a parent who didn't take care of you, or if you have a friend who had a parent who like wasn't very emotionally available, or wasn't very apparent to you, it didn't take care of them, like, you know what it's like, or you have seen what happens when there's a parent who doesn't take good care of themselves, and therefore can't take care of their family.
Patricia Sung 05:38
Like, you know, what happens when there's a parent who is selfish, or wrapped up in addiction that is emotionally immature, maybe you saw that unfold in one of your friend's life, or maybe it happened with you with another adult in your life who like didn't take care of you in the way that they could have, or you wish they would have if there was a teacher or a coach or an aunt or uncle that like you relied on and they didn't come through for you or they said like mean comments that they didn't realize how much they affected you when they spoke, you know, somebody in this category who like physically didn't take good care of their kids, maybe it was because of health issues, or a disability or that parent passed away. Like even when the adult wasn't capable, because of reasons that are like not in their control, it still affects the kid. Like, even having lost my mom, she passed away of cancer like a really long time ago.
Patricia Sung 06:29
So like, I know that it's not her fault that she's not here, like there's nothing she could have done differently about it. But like, it's still really affected me that my mom wasn't here for a large chunk of my life. Right now. We're losing my mother in law to Alzheimer's. And like, I thought I was going to have a mother figure around in my mother in law, because my mom wasn't here. But I don't have that because she's not capable of taking care of anyone else at this point. Like she's well in the late stages of Alzheimer's. And like, I wish I had a mom who was here who would like make me dinner or bring me soup when I'm sick. But I don't. And even though neither one of them chose that, they're still not able to take care of me in a way that I wish they could in their like full capacity of how much they cared for their families.
Patricia Sung 07:15
So like, it doesn't matter why the person wasn't able to care for the child, it still affects them. And when you think back to a memory where that grown up didn't take care of you like what would you have done in order to have that person do right? by you? What would you have done to show the like to get them to show that they cared more or like to get them to have the skills that they needed or the resources they needed? Or the ability to do those things to care for you like for them to be able to do those like motherly or fatherly things that like feed your soul, like what would you give? Or what would you have given as a kid to be able to do that, like, probably not much that you wouldn't give to have that person show up in the way that you wish they had or could have. Like, recently, one of the things I've been trying to work through in therapy is like, Yes, I lost my mom when I was young. But I have a lot of grief around the fact that I also lost my dad emotionally. Because when my mom passed away, my dad really changed.
Patricia Sung 08:17
And so ever since that point where I lost my mom, I feel like I kind of lost my dad at the same time. Because ever since that point, I have been taking care of him more than he takes care of me. And we're coming up on a tipping point in my life here where like, I've actually taken care of him longer than he took care of me. And so there's a lot of grief there in having lost my mom to cancer. And then having lost my dad because of the emotional toll that it took on him. They like what would younger Patricia have done to have healed either one of them in that situation. Like literally, there's not a whole lot I wouldn't give to be able to go back and change how that unfolded in even so much more for me than for my younger siblings. Like I'm the oldest of five kids. So my youngest brother and sister were 15 and 16, when my mom passed away.
Patricia Sung 09:03
And they lost both of their parents that day. Because although my dad was physically here, like mentally and emotionally, he wasn't here like he's a different person after my mom died. And I can see especially now being a grown up how much that's affected them. Even more than I think that it affected me like obviously like we're different. And I won't compare but like I can see how much that's affected my brothers and sisters, all of them. And I know that like my dad's on his own journey and he has to heal on his terms and in his way, but I can't help but wonder like how would have been different if he had been the like stable parent role and really cared for everyone really well, like my mom did for us.
Patricia Sung 09:46
Like, imagine if you could go back and like give your parents the skills they needed to be able to take care of themselves so that they could take care of you imagine if you could go back and take away the sickness that took them away from you Imagine that you could go back and they could learn how to be a really great parent to try new things to do something different so that he could be a good caretaker for you. It's almost time mama. We are in the final stages of planning our fall ADHD, luxury moms retreat and getaway weekend. You deserve a weekend to step away, slow down, take care of yourself, and also meet a bunch of other ADHD moms who get how you think if you want to be the first to know what's going on for next year's retreat, sign up for the waitlist now at https://www.patriciasung.com/retreat-waitlist, put your name on the list. And we'll you know, as soon as the early bird tickets are ready, I know it's gonna be very time, especially since half the moms who came last year have already signed up for this year. So come join us spend the weekend, building up your toolbox to take care of you and taking a deep breath to relax and enjoy the calm. Have a weekend away. https://www.patriciasung.com/retreat-waitlist.
Patricia Sung 11:10
So like Hindsight is 2020. I can look back at how that was when I was a kid and see like, oh, well, I wish it could have been this. I wish you could have done that. But like imagine I stopped right now and was like, hey, what could I do right now for my kids that would take care of me so that I could take care of them while like that's why I do all this therapy. That's why I go to marriage counseling. That's why I read books and listen to podcasts and go to Courses and like do all this stuff so that I can be a really great parent for them. It's like I'm taking care of myself. And I'm being healthy. I've done so much on my health journey, so that I can be healthy so that I can be there for my kids, I immediately get a return on how I feel.
Patricia Sung 11:52
But like doubly I get the return on how my kids are going to be affected by how I've taken care of myself, the more kids you get, the more return to get on that investment. Because it multiplies out when you take care of yourself and you know how to be healthy. Like not only do your kids get to help the parent, but then they get a parent who can teach them how to be healthy. And then they also read the benefit. Like we're doing this hard work. We are over here like weeding, and sewing and like back breaking work of healing. And like don't get me wrong, I'm tired. Some days. I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore. This is hard. But when we do that for ourselves, our kids reap the benefit. And their kids like our grandkids are great Karen kids like they all get the benefit of generations ahead of having a healthier family who has the skills to not be yelling at everybody all the time to not take their problems out on the people that we love the most.
Patricia Sung 12:42
Like I often ask myself, when I get caught up in my emotions. It's like, okay, does this situation really matter? Like 20 years from now? 30 years from now? Is this gonna matter? Like when I'm in my 60s or 70s? Like, is this gonna matter? Are any of us gonna remember? Like, why I was mad right now? Are my kids gonna remember? Like, they're not gonna remember why I was mad because of, you know, whatever dumb stuff happened that day that irritated me. And they said something stupid. And then I got all upset and bloated. Like, nobody's gonna read the details of it. But what they're gonna remember is how I showed up, did I yell at them? Did I say mean things to them. And like, I don't want them to remember that. Like, I want my kids to know that I did everything possible to take care of myself so that I can show up well for them. So like when they're 30, they sort of come back and visit me not out of obligation or guilt. But because they actually want to be around me because I make their life better.
Patricia Sung 13:31
I want to be able to recenter myself on the days where I'm tired or grumpy, or I'm in a part of my cycle where I just hate everything. Like, I want to be able to remind myself that like I'm doing all this work, so that when they look back, they're like, Yeah, my mom wasn't perfect. But like she tried really hard. She did what she could like, I don't want the overwhelming theme to be that I didn't try all the ways that I failed them. Like I don't ever want it to be for lack of trying. So when I show up and take care of myself, when I'm feeling burnt out when I'm feeling overwhelmed, like I'm taking care of myself so that I don't take it out on them. I'm doing all this work so that I can show up well, like I can show up well for me, but I'm also showing them like I'm showing up well for you. I want them to see all the hard work that I'm doing because I want them to know that they matter to me.
Patricia Sung 14:21
And I take time away from them so that I can still be my own person not so that I can be away from them. But I can be still be me that it's okay for me to be away and not carry all the responsibilities of mom all the time that it's okay for me to just be Patricia for a few hours or a weekend because that is how we be a full person. I want them to see that that's an important thing that they learn how to take care of themselves. And I want to be able to show them how to do that because if I don't take care of myself, I can't show them how to do it. I want my kids to have a partner who takes care of themselves and that they know that that's important and then it's valued because it might ruffle a couple feathers as with this one, but like, I'm willing to say that I think not taking care of yourself is actually the easy way out. It's easier not to deal with all this stuff. It's easier not to deal with all the baggage you've been dragging around all this time. But it's also more selfish to ignore all the problems, because it's easier not to deal with them. So not taking care of yourself can be really selfish when it's because you're choosing not to deal with the problems, especially when you know what it's like to have an unhealthy adult, screw up and hurt you.
Patricia Sung 15:33
And like, if I have the option to change that I have the option to change that pattern, I'm going to do it, I'm going to put in the hard work, I'm going to figure out how to make it happen. And maybe tomorrow is not that different. But like two years from now or five years from now. It is it builds up. So it's not that taking care of yourself is selfish, essentially, that not taking care of yourself is selfish, especially when we look at this in our face and be like, Look, these are the implications. This is what happens when adults aren't healthy and they don't take care of themselves, and they let all their crap lose on to all the kids around them. Like that's selfish, to not deal with the mess when you can, yes, there's some times where we can't and we don't have capacity for that. But when you can, even if all you can do is a little tiny thing, we have to do it. I want you to know that when you walk away from this episode, and you hit stop there like this hard work that you're doing. It matters. Every step matters.
Patricia Sung 16:31
When you only have capacity for like 1/10 of a step. And you do something it matters. Taking Care of Yourself matters, resting matters, giving yourself the skills to be able to teach your kids how to do things like emotional regulation. Rest, like that is how you pour into your kids. And then they pour into their kids, your grandkids and it keeps moving forward generationally. They're like all this hard work you're doing to be the best mom that you can be like the fruits not for you only Yes, you get to bear the fruit. But that is also to feed your kids. It's always worth it. And if you're thinking it's too late, it's never too late. What I wouldn't give to see my dad be a healthier version of himself so that we could have a better relationship like what I wouldn't give as a grown up. So if your kids are older, they're teens, they're out of the house like it's not too late.
Patricia Sung 17:24
It's always worth it to figure out how to take care of yourself better so that you can have a better relationship with them. It's always worth it. You are always worth it. They are always worth it. It is always worth it to take care of yourself and build the skills to be able to show up as the healthiest version of you physically, mentally, emotionally, because you are the leader of your family. When it comes to your home and the relationships. You are always worth it. I'll talk to you soon successful mama. For more resources, classes and community head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com.