Setting Boundaries and Navigating Criticism: Managing RSD, Hypersensitivity, and Overstimulation with ADHD #238
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Have you ever lost it on your kids and your partner gives you some side eye along with, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?”
While yes, your child is being rude, you’re mostly grumpy because your shirt is itchy and it’s hot outside.
And then you beat yourself up because you think, “what IS wrong with me?” because you turned something little into a yelling fest?!? Sigh.
On today's episode of "Motherhood in ADHD," we're diving headfirst into the whirlwind of dealing with hypersensitivity, overstimulation, and rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Join me as we unravel the mysteries of feeling like a walking nerve on edge and tackle the tough task of managing stress like the patient moms we truly want to be.
We're breaking down the nitty-gritty of setting boundaries, learning to navigate criticism without losing our cool, and finding that sweet spot of personal growth that brings the confidence to handle it all.
So grab your latte, snag a comfy spot, and let's dive into hypersensitivity, overstimulation, and all the mama magic in between!
Links Mentioned in this episode:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
If you’d like more support like this, tailored to what moms need, the next round of Lighthouse Group ADHD Coaching starts September 12th.
In 3 months together, we’ll get your emotional regulation tools sharpened and your daily schedule sorted, so that you can connect home to what matters to you, start trusting yourself again, and build the life you want to live.
Register now, as there are only a couple of spots left: patriciasung.com/lighthouse
I’ve got a podcast for you to check out! I’m honored to partner with Understood.org’s podcast, In It: Raising Kids who Learn Differently this month.
In each episode, you’ll hear from people sharing their own stories and perspectives on how to navigate and support those who have challenges with reading, math, ADHD, or dyslexia, and more. Listen today for support on how to better support yourself and your child.
Patricia Sung [00:00:00]:
Have you ever totally lost it on your kids? And then, like, your partner looks at you and they're like, what is wrong with you? And you realize, like, what's wrong is that they're not listening to me, and my tag is too itchy on my shirt. And, it's hot outside, and I'm sweating, and I'm hot, and I'm miserable. And, like, then you start thinking about it. Like, woah. That's not really a reason to, like, totally lose my mind on everybody. Like, what kind of mom I am? What's wrong with me? You're like, why on earth would I have lost it over something as silly as whatever? It's not that big of a deal. Maybe it's just me. But chances are when you get to the end of the day, and you totally lose on your kids because they won't get off their pads before dinner.
Patricia Sung [00:00:41]:
That's the straw that broke the camel's back, but that's not actually the the problem. So today, we're gonna be talking about hypersensitivity and, like, ADHD overstimulation and dealing with criticism and RSD, which is a rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and, like, understanding why all these little things add up to all of a sudden, like, you're in a really bad mood. Because I don't think it's just that you're too sensitive or you should have tougher skin. So we're gonna get into why and what to do about it. Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy? You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family? I get you, mama. Parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life, creatively, lovingly, and with all our might.
Patricia Sung [00:01:48]:
When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well. At the end of the day, we just wanna be good moms. But, spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess, mama. You can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to Motherhood in ADHD. Before we jump into today's episode, let's read our review of the week.
Patricia Sung [00:02:25]:
So speaking of rejection sensitive dysphoria, our review this week is 1 star, titled just “Advertising.” Nothing but advertising for her program. I've listened to multiple episodes now and have learned nothing, but want to sign up for her classes. Disheartening for someone who needs help. From why does my name matter 7 on Apple Podcasts. Let me tell you. The first time I read that, it hurt. Because immediately, I get defensive, and I'm like, what? And I'm like, who doesn't this person know that I work really hard on this and blah blah blah blah blah.
Patricia Sung [00:03:01]:
And immediately, like, the thought spiral starts. And, like, but what if I am spending too much time and I turn into a creepy car salesman peddling things and tricking people? Immediately, my brain goes into all the different places, downward spiral. And if I had heard this when I first started, I would have just crumpled up in a ball and not continue onward. But now I have the skills to stop the downward spiral and think through whether or not this person's words matter to me in my heart. Do they hold value? Do they get to determine how I value myself? And I can work through all that. We're gonna talk about that here in a sec, but it doesn't have to ruin my day now. Because I know that by putting myself out on the Internet that I'm gonna get rude comments. I'm gonna get criticism.
Patricia Sung [00:03:54]:
And then not everybody's gonna like my style or the way I do things or who I am, because, honestly, most of my negative reviews are about who I am, and I'm not gonna change that for them. So I can deal with this now because I have the skill set, but I'm also not gonna expect myself to, like, be impervious to this. Yeah. It hurts when people say they don't like the thing that you worked really hard on and then gave them for free. But I'm not gonna be everybody's cup of tea, and that's alright. I'm not here to to, like, show you a watered down version of myself that everybody loves. Because when you're vanilla and you're for everybody, they don't stand for anything. And I don't wanna show up here and stand for nothing.
Patricia Sung [00:04:31]:
So if why does my name matter 7 wants to say that they don't like my stuff, that's okay. I don't have to agree with them, and they don't have to agree with me. They are welcome to just hit next and play something else on their podcast player. It's not a reflection on who I am or what I do. So this is exactly what we're talking about today. Now, hopefully, you are still here and you like me more than this one star person did. So, please, you know, go put your rating in and leave me a review and, hopefully, it's better than this one. But somebody else's words don't have to enter my boundaries and the way that I view myself.
Patricia Sung [00:05:06]:
So let's talk about it today. So as I was doing some research on what kind of episodes I wanted to put together for the fall here, some of the phrases that were popping up were things like hypersensitivity, ADHD overstimulation, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and all of these to me are very related. Other people might see them as different things, but to me, they're very related. Because it's looking at something's happening during your day, inputs coming in, and then how are you affected by that? What are you doing with that information, and how is it affecting your stress level? When we feel hypersensitive, that means a lot of inputs that's coming in is getting through, and it's a lot of things making an impact on how you're feeling at once. The same thing with being overstimulated. There's a lot of stimulation coming in and it feels like too much and it's affecting the way that you feel. Now I'm not saying that that's not valid. I'm not saying that you should be unaffected by any of this.
Patricia Sung [00:06:05]:
That's not what I'm saying. I'm not saying you need to be somebody different. What I'm saying is that we can gather the skills to be able to deal with it in a way that feels better to you. The same thing with rejection sensitive dysphoria. This can happen when somebody actually is unkind and says something critical. It can also be when somebody says facts that hurt your feelings. It can also be in a way that you perceive something's going on, but there was nothing overt and you're like, I'm not really sure if that was rude or not. And it also can be perceiving that something is going to happen that you're worried about that person is gonna be upset at you, but you don't actually know they're upset.
Patricia Sung [00:06:44]:
You're worried about what if they are upset with you. And that can create changes in the way that you feel based on what you're worried about what might happen. We cannot change that input is going to come in, but we can change the way that we react to it. Now if you have been here for a sec, you may have heard me talk about the stress ladder before, but I'm gonna jump into a quick review of your stress response. So when you think about your stress level, you can Google lots of pictures of this drawn out visually. I really like the latter version, but my latter version goes down. So if you think about if you were on ground level, the sun is shining, the trees are blowing in the breeze, everything's great, you have no stress. And then when you get stressed, it's like you're going down into, like, the sewer system and, like, the manhole cover is removed and you're climbing down this ladder into the darkness.
Patricia Sung [00:07:29]:
And so as soon as you get a little stressed, as soon as part of you is moving down the ladder, you're on the 1st rung of the ladder and you're underground, yes, The trees are still blowing in the breeze and the sun is shining, but your feet are now stuck in place. And so you're not free to do whatever. Like, that stress is affecting you even in a small way. Even though most of your body is still in the glorious sunshine, part of you is already underground. And as you're moving down underground, once your feet hit 5, and we've got 10 rungs, so 0 to 10. Once your feet hit 5, your head's underground. And as my our marriage counselor always says, nothing good happens after 5. Because when you're at 5 and you're halfway down the stress ladder, already you are under the effects of stress even though you you haven't hit rock bottom, already your body has adjusted for that.
Patricia Sung [00:08:15]:
So as you get stressed, your body starts protecting you. So it starts diverting resources, adrenaline starts going so that you can take off if you need to take off, you know, fight or flight, you need to be ready to fight. Your logic systems go off once you hit about a 5. So you're not using your logic brain, you're acting more on like gut and instinct. Your body is diverting your resources from like you're not like doing digestive work. Your body sending all the energy to getting ready for the fight and the protection. And then as you continue going down, I imagine round 5, there is water in the sewer. So once you go down to 6, now your feet are wet.
Patricia Sung [00:08:51]:
As you move down to 7, 8, the water's up around your waist level. And when you get down to the bottom number 10, that's when your head's underwater and like the doo doo has hit the fan and you're in full on stress overload, whether that's a meltdown and you're yelling at people or you crumpled up into a ball, whether you've disassociated and you go and hide in the bathroom scrolling your phone. But like at 10, the systems have shut down, and you are not capable of doing anything except trying to survive. All day long, stressful things are happening. You get stuck in traffic. You're running behind. Your toddler wants the pink cup, not the green one. Your teenager calls and is like, I forgot the thing that I was supposed to bring to school.
Patricia Sung [00:09:32]:
And all day these things are coming in, so you're constantly getting stressed and you're constantly moving down the ladder. To, like, sum it up in a very simple version, our job as mom is to figure out how to keep moving up the ladder so that we don't hit rock bottom and drown because that itchy shirt moved you down and getting too hot moved you down, and we wanna be able to have at the end of the day when it's the most stressful and there's the homework arguments, which I literally just walk away from. And there's, like, trendy kids, you know, in bath and bed, like, that you have capacity at that point in the day to still deal with the stress and show up in the way that you wanna show up as a mom. So when we look at things like hypersensitivity, I do think that we tend to have an especially, like, sensitive nervous system. And in some ways, like, this is a really great skill. I'm sure back in the, hunter gatherer days, it served our human population well. Keep an eye out on all the dangers. But in today's society, it's not as appreciated.
Patricia Sung [00:10:34]
Let's pause a moment and say thank you to our sponsor, which is Understood.org. They have a great new podcast that you can check out on your podcast app right here. It's called In It: Raising Kids Who Learn Differently. What I love about it is that in these episodes, you're hearing stories from other parents. You're getting other perspectives and advice that's working for other families so that you know you're not alone. Specifically for kids who are having challenges with reading or math or ADHD or dyslexia. As there is a good chance to do since you're here. This is a great show for practical tips, helpful info, and really boosting your confidence as a parent.
Patricia Sung [00:11:14]:
To listen, search for the podcast here in your podcast app. It's called In It: Raising Kids Who Learn Differently, and have a listen. That's In It, Raising Kids Who Learn Differently right here in your podcast app. And I disagree with the whole attention deficit. It's actually that I have too much attention. My brain's going everywhere, and trying to filter out stuff is a lot harder for me. So I can get misdirected onto, oh, look. I forgot to fold that laundry.
Patricia Sung [00:11:43]:
Oh, look. I forgot to start the dishwasher. Like, those things can catch my attention, and then I end up on, you know, 7 side quests. But also the things like the itchy shirt keeps bothering me whereas most people wouldn't notice the itchy tag. Or you know how like that one hair gets into your shirt and you can't find it and it's just driving you bonkers, like that information is still getting through and all those little things are adding up. It kinda feels like the filter is missing and so like more things come in that I notice and feel stressed about than I wish they did. And this is how we can get overstimulated because while everyone else doesn't notice the person over there tippy tap in their pen, I notice it and it's driving me bonkers. When I'm in a conversation and there's a lot of background noise or a lot of other conversations going on and I can't focus on the person who's talking because all the other information is, like, too loud in my head and I can't hear what they're saying, then I get overstimulated.
Patricia Sung [00:12:36]:
Because interestingly, like, our brains take in literally, like, millions of pieces of information all the time, and our brains filter out most of it. And, like, that's how, like, when you have, you know, there's, like, those cases where, like, there's, you know, multiple witnesses, like, a bank robbery, and they, like, ask someone to describe it, and then they come up with, like, varying stories where, like, somebody's, like, convinced the person had a green hat on and somebody else's a blue hat. Like, it's because your brain does not record all of the information coming into your brain. Like, our poor little brains could not handle noticing every little detail that goes on around us all the time. So our brain does not hold on to all of it, and it just kinda, like, fills in the gaps of the things it doesn't save, which is, like, pretty cool that our brain can, like, figure out what's necessary to hold on to and what's not. And, like, that's actually how we we make memories better when things are unusual or new. And, actually, there was just reading an article today about, like, how, like, time feels like it's passing slower when you're doing a new thing because there's so much information coming in that's new. Like, the example they gave oh, man.
Patricia Sung [00:13:41]:
I really wish I'd written down that article. At the time, I was not thinking of this episode. I'm just thinking of it now. Like, if you move somewhere new and you walk from your house, like, down the street to the park, the first time you walk there, it's very memorable. Like, you notice all the things along the way and the details, and it feels like it takes you a long time to get there. But when you're coming back, a lot of that information has already come into your brain, and your brain already, like, filters out all the stuff that it doesn't need. So the way back feels a lot shorter. Or, like, once you've lived there for 3 years and you're walking the same thing, your brain doesn't take in all that stuff because it's not new.
Patricia Sung [00:14:15]:
It's not novel. So in order to make memories stick, you want to do things that are novel, which made me really happy because the way that I used to teach one language is a lot of using novelty in storytelling to help kids remember these new words. So, like, it made my teacher heart really happy to hear that. But it's like, if you want to, like, slow down the passage of time feeling, like, taking in all those little details and, like, doing something new or out of the ordinary is what makes it exciting and help you hold on to that memory better than the same old, same old that you've done 16 times. Now the other piece of neuroscience I wanna tie in here, your brain's job is to protect you. So when you are thinking about something, your brain is trying to find information to back that up. It's called confirmation bias. So if you're irritated, you're gonna be looking for more irritants because your brain is in the place of, like, I'm irritated.
Patricia Sung [00:15:08]:
Let me back that up. Oh, look. So and so let their sex on the floor again and look at what this person did. I can't believe they did that. And so our brain is looking for confirmation of that. So, like, you know, positive thinking can get like a lot of eye rolls, but, like, it really does when you when you're looking for things that are positive, your brain will then find evidence of that and help you support that information. And I'm like, I really wanna go on this tangent about ruminating right now, but I'm like, nope. I got an episode coming about that shortly.
Patricia Sung [00:15:35]:
Hold that together, Patricia. Pause it. Stay on track. Okay. So when we're thinking about hypersensitivity or overstimulation, it's like all these other inputs are coming in. They are we're not filtering out things. Like, this comes in, like, prioritizing is an issue for ADHD. Like, our brain is taking in all this information, and it hasn't prioritized what we need to keep around and what we can let go of.
Patricia Sung [00:15:55]:
So in your situation where this person is talking a lot and you can't understand what this other person is saying because the background music's too loud and all the things are like it's like too much input coming in at once and your brain can't process it all at the same time. To me, that's actually very similar to when you're feeling too sensitive, quote, too sensitive about people's words or actions. We start looking at all the little details and, like, wait, I noticed that their tone change. They kinda looked at me funny. And maybe they're not saying everything that they're thinking about. What if they're actually upset with me? Will they send me that text and it just says, can we talk? I don't know what's wrong. What if it was this? Did I say something wrong yesterday? And our brain starts going down this, like, shame spiral of all the things that we did wrong to them over all this time and, like, imagining of theirs. What if I had said something that they could have taken the wrong way? Because we've noticed all these little details.
Patricia Sung [00:16:49]:
And, again, our brain is a predictive mechanism. It takes in the information and then looks through all the past experiences and is like, is this information coming and telling me, like, something good is happening or something bad is happening? So especially if you've had a lot of trauma in your history, your brain's going to know very well what that looks like. Don't put into the trauma category and be like, something bad's gonna happen, and we can go down that rabbit hole of getting sidetracked into, like, all the what ifs of could go wrong, and sometimes that doesn't serve us. Now I do wanna pause a moment and be like, we do want to give credit to, like, when your gut says something is wrong, it often is. Like, again, confirmation bias. If your brain is taking information and it's like something doesn't add up to here, like something feels off, it probably is. So we wanna trust that when the moment we feel like something's wrong, take care of yourself. Where the hard part, I think, to discern the difference is, like, knowing the difference between a gut feeling of, like, I don't feel safe in this moment to, well, what if blah blah blah happens and then I'm not safe? It's being able to determine the difference of, like, this input is coming in and am I making my judgment and, like, listening to my gut based on the input that coming in or in between the input coming in and making the decision, I started on the what if trail.
Patricia Sung [00:18:13]:
That distinction is really hard, especially when you have ADHD and you probably had a fair amount of bad experiences with the way other people have treated you. Because the hard part is, like, when you're always stressed, if you're always setting at, like, 5 plus on the stress ladder, like, everything feels stressful when you're at, like, a level 8. So when everything feels stressful, everything starts to feel like a red flag. And things that aren't actually red flags feel like red flags because your body's on high alert. So it's a lot harder to sort through things when everything feels like it's a problem. It's kinda like when the check engine light on your car has been on a long time, and because it's been on a really long time, you start to ignore the fact that you needed to fix something, but then, like, other problems could happen in the car, but, like, the check engine light's already on. So it's like, was that a problem? Is that not a problem? I mean, that thing didn't trigger the check engine light because it was already on. Do I actually need to deal with that? And then we just start to ignore it.
Patricia Sung [00:19:13]:
It's like, if the car is just messed up. When everything is a problem, it's hard to know which problems are big problems and which problems are smaller problems. Because when the lights are on in your car, you're like, I don't know. Is that like a $500 warning light or is that like a $20 warning light or is that actually you need a new car warning light? You don't know because all the warning lights have been there for so long, you can't tell the difference. This is why I think doing therapy and having coaching really help you because you're able to work through things and reset your warning lights. Like, therapy is really good for sorting out what's happened to you in the past and understanding it so it doesn't continue to affect you going forward. Coaching helps you move forward, set a goal, and get there. You know, doing therapy allows you to, like, reset a lot of the warning lights back to normal so that when something weird does happen, you're like, oh, that was a warning light.
Patricia Sung [00:20:01]:
I know that now. It's not that everything's on fire all the time. Now I can tell the difference when something is wrong because it's not everything wrong all the time. And what I do a lot in coaching is I'm like, okay. Well, we know that these things are obstacles. How do we rewire your brain so that they're no longer affecting you in that way? How do we get you to go in a different direction? So when someone gives you an eyebrow raise, your brain doesn't automatically go back to that, like, you know, disapproving ant from when you were 8 and pull up that file and be like, look. When people give you the eyebrow, here's what happens. Instead, your brain goes, oh, someone gave me an eyebrow.
Patricia Sung [00:20:39]:
Is there something going on right now that would deserve that? No? Okay. I can move on. But a lot of us with ADHD don't know what the baseline is. We don't know what that reset level is. We don't know what it's like to, like, not be stressed. We don't know what it's like to not be dealing with all the traumas. We don't know what it's like to have a safe place and connect back into ourselves so that you know what that voice inside sounds like. So that when things go off kilter, you know, because you also, like, know your anchor so well.
Patricia Sung [00:21:11]:
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Patricia Sung [00:22:31]:
We have our 24/7 online Slack community, and it comes with some of my best courses, like Time Management Mastery for ADHD moms. All of my courses and coaching always come with a video replay, AI transcripts. So if you prefer to read or watch, if you prefer to listen, there's a private podcast. So I've customized this program to fit exactly what you need as a mom with ADHD. In our 3 months together, you will build a full-scale toolbox for your life so that you know you can show up every day knowing wholeheartedly that you are doing your best and you feel like you got your crap together most days. Lighthouse is currently enrolling, so head over to my website at patriciasung.com/lighthouse. Choose the option that works best for you and sign up so that you know you're moving forward towards action and not just wishing things would be different. Again, that's patriciasung.com/lighthouse, and join ADHD group coaching tailored for moms, and get your life moving forward today.
Patricia Sung [00:23:31]:
So when it comes to being too sensitive by like, about criticism, if you've been hurt a lot of times, of course, you're going to assume that someone else is being hurtful because you've been programmed over the years that people are hurtful. So you're not imagining things. Those words really did hurt you. You're not making it up. And we wanna listen to ourselves so that we know, like, when we get that eyebrow arch, is it something that we need to do something about? Or is that something we can let go and be like, I their opinion does not matter in this situation. I can just let that roll on off my back. One of the most important ways that we can combat the overstimulation and the hypersensitivity and the hurt feelings from other people's criticism is in drawing boundaries. If you have not read Nedra Tawab's book about boundaries, please go by it right now.
Patricia Sung [00:24:24]:
It's excellent. But we can create boundaries for people. We can create boundaries for the environment that we're in. And the most beautiful thing that I learned, hands down, is that boundaries are for you. They're not for anyone else. They're for you. They're how you maintain your safe space around you. It's not to keep other people out.
Patricia Sung [00:24:46]:
It's to maintain your safe space and where that, like, my where that boundary, that's not a good where that boundary exists. That's how you know your boundary is. That was not helpful. Let me try that again. Like, the boundary is what allows you to know where you're comfortable letting those people in. It's setting up the space that is safe for you. It's deciding ahead of time what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do. I think one of the most important things that we do in coaching is I help you listen to yourself.
Patricia Sung [00:25:20]:
Because when you listen to yourself, you can trust yourself. And when you trust yourself, you have more confidence. But, honestly, like, the listening and the trusting yourself isn't the hard part. Like, we do well in our part. The hard part is that once you know what you're willing and not willing to do, it's making a different decision in what to do because you're no longer just following your automatic pattern. Or if you do follow the automatic pattern, it's knowing, like, oh, this isn't what I want to do. And that discrepancy is scary. Having to choose new things, make different decisions, that's scary.
Patricia Sung [00:25:57]:
So Let me pull this all together. Inputs in the command. What we can do is define and know, like, exactly what do you want and then what action do you wanna take in that situation. So, for example, you know that when it gets too noisy, it's overwhelming to you. So in places where you know it's gonna be noisy, what do you need in order to feel supported? If you know you need buffer when it's too noisy, like, do you know you need to leave the room? Do you know that you need to wear earplugs or, like, you know, the loop noise dampening things? Do you need, to not go to that party or, you know, choose restaurants where there's not a lot of background noise or choose to take frequent breaks? What is it that's going to feel supportive to you? So you're not necessarily saying, like, I'm not gonna be around noise ever, because that's not possible. But you know what you need, and you know the ways that can support you to meet your need. Another example, you get sidetracked by side quests. If you know you really want to complete something, then what are the skills that you can learn to stay on track? What is your plan to do with all the ideas that pop up? And the, oh, I forgot to do that laundry.
Patricia Sung [00:27:09]:
What are you gonna do with that idea so it doesn't get lost and it actually gets taken care of later? What's your plan for that? What's your system? The side quests are gonna appear. What do you do about them? Is it a day where you can just side quest all you want? Or is a day where you need, in order to feel safe, to keep the side quests to a minimum? There's 15 ways to make that happen. Which ones work for you in this situation? Another example, a friend who is being mean, and you don't wanna be around that. That's the boundary you're drawing. I don't wanna be around that anymore. So are you gonna limit your time with them? Are you gonna talk to them about it? Like, what are all the options that you have in order to keep yourself feeling safe and not around rude people? Take my one star review. I can't control their words. They can put whatever they want on the Internet just like I can put whatever I want on the Internet.
Patricia Sung [00:27:55]:
My boundary is that I'm not gonna allow other people's words to determine my value. I will look at that criticism and say, is this something that I need to take seriously, or is this a criticism about who I am? And I don't wanna change who I am. I don't wanna change, like, standing up for what I believe in. When I think about all the years that I was afraid to tell people that they could buy something from me, I was afraid to tell you, like, hey. I can help you more than this free podcast. Because I was worrying about being, like, sleazy car salesman person or, you know, the imposter syndrome that told me, like, I wasn't good enough to be able to help people, so I shouldn't talk about it. That's something I've been working on a lot. Because I know that if I don't tell you that you have options to get help, if I don't tell you, hey.
Patricia Sung [00:28:40]:
I have courses. I have a community. I have coaching. These are always that you can get more help and be better off than you were before, then you're not gonna get my help. So if this person's critiquing the thing that I've been working on, which is showing up and telling people that I can help them, not being a people pleaser, not shying away, not feeling like an imposter, I'm like, well, congrats to me. I have achieved my goal. This person is saying, Patricia, you did exactly what you set out to do. And if they don't like my goal, that's okay.
Patricia Sung [00:29:10]:
It's not their goal. It's my goal. So I can let that go. So my boundary is I look at it. Is this valid criticism? No. That's their opinion. And it doesn't reflect on who I am, and I can let that go. And I'm so proud of myself for being able to say that because 5 years ago, Patricia wouldn't have done that.
Patricia Sung [00:29:27]:
5 years ago, Patricia would have stopped making podcasts for a couple months when somebody said that or gave me a one star review. But I don't need to take advice from someone on the sidelines who's not in the gladiator arena putting themselves out there. I don't need advice from somebody who won't even put their name on the review when I'm out here pouring my heart out. That doesn't reflect who I am. So while I can't control other people's words, I can control whether or not I'm gonna take those words to heart. Oh, another example. A few episodes ago, by a few, I mean, it could have been 5, it could have been 17. I don't know.
Patricia Sung [00:30:05]:
My assistant had sent me a note that was like, hey. Can we talk later? And, like, old me would have panicked straight up and said immediately, I'm like, no. We cannot. Don't tell me what it is. Like, I need to know that you're not quitting. I need to know that this is something mundane because, otherwise, it's gonna drive me absolutely bonkers. So, like, my boundary is I'm not gonna just let that sit there and fester. I'm gonna ask a question.
Patricia Sung [00:30:25]:
Now if that person doesn't respond, I can call them and ask, but I'm not gonna allow the what ifs of, oh, no. What what do they mean by can we talk later? No. I'm just gonna ask and find out so that I don't spin down the what if spiral. And, yes, it's taken me years of work to get to this point, and I'm proud of that. It wasn't like an overnight success, but it's something that I've worked really hard on. And I want you to know that you also can build these skills. You can decide your own boundaries. You can decide what you're gonna do in those situations.
Patricia Sung [00:31:01]:
You can decide what do you wanna feel instead. It's one of my favorite coaching questions, is how do you wanna feel about that instead? You're not stuck there. So while I don't want you to change who you are, I want you to be able to have the skills to be able to work within what you got. I want you to be able to trust yourself. I want you to listen to your gut and then determine, like, is this a valid thing I need to deal with, or am I letting my what if spiral take over? I want you to know that you have choices in that. I don't want you to be a tough shelled person. I love the fact that I'm a sensitive person. That what is what makes me empathetic, and that's what makes me see people and wanna help them.
Patricia Sung [00:31:41]:
But it doesn't mean I have to get dragged down underwater and drown by the feelings and the heartache. There's ways that I can protect myself and my safety and not be in a place of burnout and overwhelm. So to sum it all up, I don't want you to change who you are, but I do want you to have the tools to be able to deal with it in a way that still makes you feel confident and calm and powerful or whatever adjective you wanna put in there. Because we can take those pieces of us and view them as weaknesses, or we can take them and utilize them as strengths. But, success and mama, we don't have to suffer in silence. You are powerful and you can make things different. And so I'm gonna gladly lean into my one star review and say, you know what? If you want my help, you can get it. Lighthouse group coaching is open, assuming there's still spots open when this airs, until September 10th.
Patricia Sung [00:32:33]:
We start on September 12th. And if you're listening to this after that, enrollment's going to be starting soon for the next group. So go sign up or go put yourself on the wait list because we don't have to suffer alone. We can make things different and you know where to find me. Head over to patriciasung.com/lighthouse and you can learn all about my group coaching. And if it's a good fit for you, I wanna see you in there. I wanna make things different. And if it's not, that's okay.
Patricia Sung [00:32:59]:
You can just hit next on the podcast and listen to the next one. That's okay too. I'll talk to you soon, Successful Mama. For more resources, classes, and community, head over to my website, motherhoodinadhd.com.