Are You Lazy and Procrastinating or Prioritizing for Later? #260

 
 

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HOT TAKE: I don’t believe people with ADHD are lazy. There is a reason that they don’t want to or can’t do the thing, and when you untangle that obstacle, voila! It’s easier to get things done.

How do you know the difference between procrastinating and prioritizing for later?

There are some things in life we can’t avoid, so how do you deal with them?

How do you know when it truly is not the time for certain tasks and feel okay setting them aside without worrying if you’ll never remember them again?

Here’s a clip from Successful Mama Meetups during our month themed "Procrastination or Burnout? (How to tell the difference between when you need rest & when you’re avoiding something)” because the mamas requested this topic. You’re not alone in this.

I’m sharing supportive strategies for dealing with too many tasks – many of them unappealing – and not enough time to do them all. Understanding ADHD's impact on prioritizing makes a huge difference in how you deal with the never-ending to do list of adulting and parenting. 

Let’s dive in!

Links mentioned in this episode:

Rooted Group Coaching for ADHD Moms is enrolling for next month. Learn how to get stuff done without the torture with ADHD friendly skills you can teach your kids, too. Join here: patriciasung.com/group

Patricia Sung [00:00:00]:

When I really need rest and I'm feeling burnt out and I'm feeling overwhelmed, lots of things fall in this category of wanting to avoid them as opposed to particular things. Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy? You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get you, mama. Parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life, creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well. At the end of the day, we just wanna be good moms.

Patricia Sung [00:00:56]:

But, spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess, mama. You can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story, and I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD. Hey there, successful mama. It's your friend Patricia Sung. Today, we are talking about being lazy and procrastinating. Are you really? Are you actually lazy? Are you actually procrastinating? Or are you prioritizing things well? This is a clip that, comes from successful mom and meetups from last year on one of our monthly themes about how do we know the difference between being lazy and procrastinating or recognizing that, like, this just really isn't that important right now.

Patricia Sung [00:01:41]:

Like, you're a mom. You got a lot of stuff going on. Does this really matter right now? Does it need to be done right now? Does it have the urgency and importance that needs to be handled right now? So before we dive into that clip, a reminder that Rooted Group Coaching is open for sign ups through the last Thursday of the month. When you have tried literally everything and it's still not coming together, and you're like, you know what? I am a fairly intelligent human being. I have checked all the boxes, I've done all the lists, and somehow I still can't figure out why this is not coming together. Why am I still so frustrated? Why am I still so scattered? Because you can see the things that you've done. Maybe you have a degree, maybe you have a good job. You've worked really hard at getting where you are now, and yet somehow it still doesn't feel like you got it together.

Patricia Sung [00:02:25]:

Then you need support that's tailored to how you function, how your brain works, how you are a carer and a responsible person for others, not just yourself, and that you need support that takes all of that into account. It takes into account your full person and the health issues that you have and the other struggles that are going on and finding the way to make your life fit you with someone who gets it. Not just me. There's also the other moms in the group who get it and knowing that you're not alone. So when you are ready for that help, we meet twice a month and do coaching on whatever's plaguing you at the moment. Whether it's trying to get out the door on time or trying to balance all the things that are on your plate with your kids and family and work and volunteer projects, with your child who probably is a lot like you and has some neurodiversity as well, and how you're trying to build that relationship instead of having a fight with them every day. We come in, we take care of the most pressing issue, and we move on. There's no extra homework.

Patricia Sung [00:03:20]:

You have enough to do. We come in, we get it done, and we move on. We are learning as we go. We are implementing on the fly as we learn because we don't have to have it all together in order to learn, in order to teach our kids these skills too. We can work together to make our lives fit us and teach our kids how to do that at the same time. So come join me in Rooted. All the information is on my website, patriciasung.com/group. And if you don't see an opening right now, shoot me an email, hello {at} patriciasung.com, and I'll let you know what openings available.

Patricia Sung [00:03:51]:

If not, I'll drop you on the wait list, and you'll be the very first person to know when the next opening is available. So check it out. Come join me and let's make your life a little bit easier in all this chaos that you are currently juggling. You make it look good and now we can make it feel good too. That's patriciasung.com/group or shoot me an email and tell me you're ready to go. hello {at} patriciasung.com. Let's dive into the episode. We are talking today about understanding the difference between procrastinating on something and when it's actually burnout and you need rest.

Patricia Sung [00:04:20]:

When I think of this, the way that I separate out the two is that they both feel like avoiding. If I don't wanna do this thing and I'll just, like, give an example of, like, something that's pretty relatable, like doing texts. Then there's a very few people that really enjoy texts, but, generally, doing any kind of text paperwork makes most of us be like, at best, like, and at worst, like, please somebody save me from myself. I would literally do anything but this. So when you think about something like I'm avoiding doing example taxes, the way that I tell the difference between if it's just the taxes that I am procrastinating on versus burnout is that this feeling of not wanting to do them, it is not just related to taxes. Like, yes, that is one of the things on the list. But when you are burnt out and you are overwhelmed, pretty much everything feels like the overwhelming feeling. Everything feels like avoidance.

Patricia Sung [00:05:11]:

And maybe not everything, everything, like, 100% everything, but a large swath of the things that you need to get done will fall in the same category. So to me, the difference is when I really need rest and I'm feeling burnt out and I'm feeling overwhelmed, lots of things fall in this category of wanting to avoid them as opposed to particular things. And there is so much nuance here because there's always gonna be things that we don't wanna do. Like, I don't like washing dishes. I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna do text. Like, there's plenty of things I can think of that I don't wanna do. But that feeling of the overwhelm and it's just too much, there is also like, there's a similarity in the way that you feel about all the things that fall into that category.

Patricia Sung [00:05:52]:

Whereas, like, not wanting to do taxes to me, like, when I really dig in deep, not wanting to do taxes is something like, yes, I don't wanna do. But if I think compared to, like, washing dishes, the way I feel about not wanting to do those things is slightly different. And that's actually what we're gonna talk about today because the way I feel about doing tax paperwork is, like, that, like, feeling of it being very overwhelming. I'm not sure where to start, and it feels very big. And I'm not quite sure where to, like, take the first bite is different to me than dishes, which for you might not be different. If you have, like, the mountain of dishes that has taken over the sink and the counters and, like, it has now overflown into multiple locations, it might still have that same, like, overwhelming feeling of, to me, my taxes. Like, when I think about dishes, to me, like, for me, that's a sensory thing. I think it's gross.

Patricia Sung [00:06:41]:

I don't want to put my hands on this sponge because it smells weird and then my hands smell weird like the weird sponge smell. And I don't like the food floating around the water. I think it's super gross. Like, when I think about the things that I don't wanna do for dishes, that feeling of that's gross. I don't wanna do that is a different feeling than, oh, wow. I don't even know where to start with this big pile of paperwork. That's how I can differentiate the difference between those things is because they're not the same. But when you're in this place of burnout, everything feels overwhelming, and it's kind of like this, like, a whitewash of, like, everything feels overwhelming with that same feeling.

Patricia Sung [00:07:20]:

So the thought of starting dishes feels really overwhelming in the same way that starting taxes feels really overwhelming in the same way that, like, oh my gosh, laundry feels like overwhelming. Calling my best friend because I have avoided her text messages for three weeks, that feels overwhelming. They all have the same kind of, like, overwhelmed feeling to them. And that's for me how I know the difference between, is it a general feeling? Everything is overwhelming. I am burnt out. I need rest versus I can differentiate dishes, gross paperwork for taxes, overwhelming. Not wanting to text my best friend because I feel embarrassment or shame or, like, feeling bad. Like, that's a different feeling, and that to me is how I know the difference.

Patricia Sung [00:07:59]:

Are they all the same, or are they nuanced different? So what we're actually gonna do today is I'm gonna have you sit in this uncomfortable feeling for just a second. We're not gonna hang out here for the whole time. But I want you to be able to notice what are the things that tell you you're feeling overwhelmed versus what you're avoiding. And we're gonna look at a couple different situations. And so that you can then determine, can you differentiate the difference between dishes, oh, gross, best friend, oh, feel bad about that, didn't text you back, paperwork, too overwhelming, or are they all feeling the same? And then in that case, it's probably the burnout and the overwhelm. Because once you take away that layer of burnout overwhelm, you still might think dishes are gross. Hello, me. You still might feel bad about not texting your best friend back.

Patricia Sung [00:08:44]:

But then once we take that overwhelm away, we can actually see the nuance there. So you can talk this out on your phone. You can doodle on a piece of paper. You can draw it. You can write it. But I'm gonna ask you to take a moment and think about, like, what's one thing that you've been not wanting to do, and you're not sure if it's overwhelm or you need rest or burnout or whatever it is. And when you think about that, literally, you're gonna just jot down, like, two or three words that come to mind. It can be your feelings about it.

Patricia Sung [00:09:12]:

Like, oh, I feel bad I didn't text my best friend. Or it can be feelings like gross that sponge smells weird. Like, whatever comes to mind. Like, we're not, we're not turning this in for a grade. You can put whatever you want on your paper. But what is it that you notice about that feeling when you think about the thing that you don't wanna do? What do you notice when you think about this thing that you don't wanna do? What are the most standout things? Is it the pit in your stomach? Is it the oh my gosh. I don't know where to start. Like, what's the thing that you notice? Pick one of those situations that you've been avoiding.

Patricia Sung [00:09:38]:

What do you notice? And if you're done, you're like, I'm cool, then think of the next situation of something you've been avoiding. Jot down two or three words or draw a little doodle. What do you feel about that particular task? And then we'll do number three. So I'll I'll put a minute on my timer, and we'll do number two now if you have not moved on. Okay. And then if you haven't switched, think about number three. So this is three things that you've been avoiding lately. What do you notice when you think about them? So my examples were, like, doing taxes, not wanting to wash the dishes, and I've been avoiding texting a friend back because I I ignored their text for, like, two weeks.

Patricia Sung [00:10:26]:

So you're thinking of three distinct situations where you're avoiding something, and what are the feelings coming up about those three things individually, not cohesively. K. If you haven't switched, do the last one. What do you notice when you think about that third thing? So as you look at these three, if they're distinctly different, then you have your answer. These are things that you don't wanna do, and we have skills for that that we can build on that. If they're all feeling very muddled together, then that's easier to say it's burnout. And, again, this is not like a this isn't like a magical quiz from, you know, Cosmo magazine from when you were 17 that just tells you the answer. Burnout of procrastination, a or b.

Patricia Sung [00:11:06]:

Like, there is complexity to this. But I want us to give us the skills to be able to be able to see it a little easier. We'll see if we come out at the end like that. So I think we can. Are you constantly scrambling to get things done? You never seem to have quite enough time to do it all, and it feels like you're drinking from a fire hose. And then you get mad at yourself because you should have been ready because you knew about that birthday party or that field trip or that vacation for a long time now, and yet somehow, you still aren't ready. As ADHD moms, we spend a lot of time living reactively. You're playing whack a mole throughout the day, dealing with one emergency or surprise after another.

Patricia Sung [00:11:46]:

You feel like you don't even have time to catch your breath. This is a really stressful way to live every day. The hard part is that we live in the now, not the not now. And all those things, the birthday party, the vacation, the field trip, they're all not now until suddenly they are now. How do you move those things from not now to now before they are emergency now? By doing some proactive planning. Every month, I look ahead at what's coming up so that my brain recognizes that it's coming soon. It brings a not now into the now temporarily. I'm sharing this tried and true strategy with you, so head over to my website patriciasung.com/monthahead.

Patricia Sung [00:12:26]:

It's all one word month ahead, lowercase letters, and you can download it for free. How in just ten fifteen minutes, you can walk through what's coming up and help your brain move from reactive to proactive. This ten or fifteen minute activity once a month saves future me tons of hours of stress and panic, and I want that for you too. So go to my website patriciasung.com/monthahead, and grab your free ADHD friendly strategy, which is my secret on how I overcome time blindness and lower your stress a whole bunch. Future you will thank you so much in a couple of weeks. So go grab it now. Patriciasung.com/monthahead, m o n t h a h e a d. As you're looking at those three things, if you'll pick the one that feels most avoidy, when you're noticing what it feels like to avoid that thing, are there any clues that your body gives you to let you know that you're avoiding this thing? Do you notice a feeling in the pit of your stomach? Do you notice the same, phrase always pops up? Like, one of my favorites is, oh, I'll do that later.

Patricia Sung [00:13:36]:

No. You won't, Patricia. But whenever I hear my brain say that, I know, like, that's a red flag of, like, oh, yep. Definitely avoiding something. If I say, oh, I'll do that later. No. No. Is there any other, like, thing you can identify that goes with that feeling of, like, I am avoiding those things? Then the second part of after noticing what it feels like when you think about the things that you don't wanna do, what is the positive consequence you get from not doing that thing? Because there is a reason we're not doing the thing.

Patricia Sung [00:14:03]:

There must be something good coming out of it. What's the positive thing you get out of not doing it? So, like, for me, I think about if I'm not doing taxes, that means I don't have to look at all those numbers on a computer screen. I don't have to figure out where all the pieces are that I'm not sure where I filed them. I sure hope they're in Google Drive, but I don't know if they are. Like, I don't have to go on a hunt for all these things. Like, the positive consequence of me not working on my taxes today means I don't have to deal with all this junk. It could be the feelings of, like, well, oh, well, now I don't have to feel stupid because I can't figure out this tax form even though I'm over here on, like, you know, taxesfordummies.com, and somehow I still can't figure that out. Like, then I don't have to feel dumb if I avoid this task.

Patricia Sung [00:14:41]:

It could be something like, I don't want my hands to smell like weird sponge all day. So it is a positive consequence for me not touch that sponge. There's no shame in that thing that we're avoiding. Like, of course, you don't want your hands to smell like weird sponge all day. Like, that's gross. And I'm also somebody who, like, sits my hand on my chin, and then I have to smell weird sponge every time I leave them on my hand. Like, that makes sense. So I'll give you one more minute to think about, like, what's the benefit of avoiding this thing you don't wanna do? K.

Patricia Sung [00:15:14]:

And then as you're thinking about this thing, when we're talking about avoiding specific tasks, usually, these are things they have a clear answer, but they're also different. Like, they're not wanting to smell like weird sponge all day is clearly distinct from, I don't wanna feel stupid dealing with all this paperwork. When it looks like burnout, it's like a it tends to be, like, less specific, if that makes any sense. Like, it's more like, oh my gosh. Like, I just don't have the energy for that, or I'm not sure even where to start with that. Like, they tend because it is a feeling that covers many different tasks, it's not as a specific of a feeling that you can nail down quite as much, just as a general thing. Not always, but speaking in generalities. When we look at that positive thing we get out of avoiding it, excuse me, like, is there some way that we can meet that need that would help us get through that? So for example, I don't want my hand to smell like weird sponge.

Patricia Sung [00:16:11]:

A way that I can meet that need is, am I okay just buying more sponges? Like, can I just throw that sponge away and accept that, like, I am going to use a new sponge every couple days because it then they don't smell weird and my hands don't smell weird? Or can I wear rubber gloves while I do the dishes because then my hands don't smell weird afterward? Like, there are ways we can meet that same need. That might be really easy. Like, can I just wear rubber gloves? Is that an option? Other people might be like, I think rubber gloves smell really weird, and I also don't think that solves my problem. And that's okay. But, like, we wanna think about, like, what are all the different ways that we can meet that need? Like, brainstorming the possibilities that we could still get the positive outcome out of it. Thinking about, like, the Texas example. I don't wanna feel dumb doing this. Okay.

Patricia Sung [00:16:52]:

It's like, well, is there someone that I could ask for help that doesn't make me feel dumb? Or, like, what if I just tried like, did one step of, like, I'm just gonna find receipts today. I can find receipts that won't make me feel dumb. Doing the paperwork and all the forms definitely will feel dumb, but at least I can find all the things, hopefully. Like, what are the ways that you can still meet that need so that you still have that positive consequence and be able to get the thing done? And, again, you can doodle journal, just think you can talk how loud whatever makes you happy. For more resources, classes, and community, head over to my website, motherhoodinadhd.com.

Podcast EpisodePatricia SungADHD adult, Executive function, Organization, Productivity