What If Everyone Hates Me? Book Update #3 #261
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What if everyone hates me? What if no one reads my book?
No one told me that writing a book came with an existential crisis.
Wrestling with how to write the book that moms need, while also showing up fully as myself, and writing words I can stand by for decades to come… this has been a lot more weighty than I expected.
I thought I was going to be updating you on logistics, timelines, and contracts. What I’m mostly sharing is how I’m navigating a tough inner critic, anxiety, and people pleasing.
Let’s jump in.
lINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Tell me what you want to read about, join the beta reading team, or just be nosy about the first book on being a mom with ADHD: patriciasung.com/book
Episode 10: How to be Less Late: An ADHD Guide for improving timeliness when you are time blind
Episode 238: Setting Boundaries and Navigating Criticism: Managing RSD, Hypersensitivity, and Overstimulation with ADHD
Patricia Sung [00:00:00]:
And that's one of the hardest things, I think, in this journey of having a podcast is to be able to consistently put out my words and thoughts and know that I'm not gonna be for everybody. Not everybody's gonna like me, and not everybody's gonna agree with me. Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy? You can't figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get you, mama. Parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life, creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well.
Patricia Sung [00:00:56]:
At the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. But, spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess, mama. You can rewrite your story from shame spiral to success story, and I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to motherhood in ADHD. Hey there, successful mama. It's your friend Patricia Sung. Oh my goodness.
Patricia Sung [00:01:22]:
It feels like I haven't talked to you in a hundred years. On one hand, I'm glad that I'm doing less frequent podcasts as I try to get this book written, but, also, I miss sitting on the floor of my closet talking to you. It's it's it's weird. It's a weird transition. I'm trying to make it work, and I'm in the messy middle here, but I miss you. That's the main point. And I just wanna keep you updated on what's going on and what I'm wrestling with and what I'm learning and, oh, it's a thing. So where are we at? I think where I left off on was trying to make all these big decisions about the book and what to do and where to go and what am I doing in my life.
Patricia Sung [00:02:01]:
And as I was wrestling through, I really thought I was gonna end up self publishing this book. And to me, like, one of the biggest factors is that traditional publishing takes so long. Like, here I am writing this book. I am recording this in March of twenty twenty five, and it's not gonna come out until probably either October 2026 or maybe February 2027. And I'm like, that's, like, forever from now. And I can't imagine doing something that takes that long. I'm just like, what? I'm I'm impatient. I'm impatient.
Patricia Sung [00:02:33]:
And I thought I could do it faster if I'm self publishing, which obviously, yes, you can go much faster when it's just one person, you know, driving the car than a whole big company. But, my neurotypical husband is always by voice of reason. He really has a good, like, gift for discernment, and he says, okay, Patricia. How much faster can you do this book if you go with self publishing? I was like, oh, oh, oh. Part of what I've been wrestling with is that being a mom and being the primary parent and running a business and keeping up with house stuff, like, those things are all important to me, and being with my kids after school is important to me. And I there's only one of me. There's only so much I can do. And right now, I have significantly less help both at work and at home.
Patricia Sung [00:03:23]:
And so, like, my husband's traveling a ton. Like, I I didn't really miss this part. I mean, my husband traveled a ton, like, from basically, from when we started dating till the pandemic, he traveled. So that's probably the first, like, ten years of our relationship. Oh my god. Let me do the math here. No. Probably closer to fifteen.
Patricia Sung [00:03:41]:
Because we met in 02/2006, I think. No. It wasn't. It was earlier than that. 02/2004? Oh, man. I feel really old. I'm like, what year they all run together? 02/2005. We met in 02/2005, and he traveled for the first fifteen years for his job until the pandemic in 2020.
Patricia Sung [00:03:58]:
So for fifteen years, he traveled all the time. And then since the pandemic, he stopped traveling and then switched jobs and always had another job, and, like, now he's starting to travel then. So I don't miss that fifteen years of the traveling. I'm like, Oh. If you have a partner who travels a lot, whether it's frequent short trips or Sung drawn out trips, like, it's it's hard. It is hard to do life in a long distance fashion. It is hard because it is a transition every time they are leaving and coming back, you know, like and the transitions are always longer when it's a longer season. But then if you have all these short trips, it's like constant transitions and the short in and out.
Patricia Sung [00:04:39]:
So it's like both things hard in their own ways. And I think he's traveling. Like, I think he's, like, nine cities he's going to in the next month. Like, this it's not usually this bad, but, like, how many things can one mom do when the other parent is not around? Not as many as I would like. I recognize my limitations, and this means that I have to shift the way that I do things. And it's I'm still shifting. This they were, like, three months in, and I'm still shifting. And just realizing, like, oh, like, when we have ADHD, we forget.
Patricia Sung [00:05:14]:
We we don't not forget. We don't have a concept of time, and therefore, everything feels like like we're in the now. And so it feels like things that are in the future don't really exist because we think about the now. That also means that, like, whatever thing is going on right now, whether it's good or bad, it kinda feels like it's gonna be like this forever. And we don't notice or we don't have the awareness. Like, our brain does not create the difference in time for us. And I'm not gonna be real sciency today because this is kind of a that I already have episodes on that. I'm I'm gonna I'm a stay on track.
Patricia Sung [00:05:45]:
Don't get on tangent, Patricia. I will hopefully remember to go back and reference that. I'm gonna be like, hold on. You know what? No, Patricia. You're not gonna remember. Just go write it down. Pause pause and go write it down. Okay.
Patricia Sung [00:05:55]:
I wrote it down. That is something that I'm really working on is that I'm not gonna say, oh, I'll remember to do that later. No. I won't. I'm not I'm not gonna do it. So I'm usually pretty good about it, and then I realized I just did it out loud here. And, no, Patricia, you will not remember. Go write it down.
Patricia Sung [00:06:07]:
So I will link the episode about timeliness in the show notes. I'm not gonna look it up right now because I'm trying to stay on track, because I'm trying to finish this recording before my kids get out of school. So let's roll. Going back from my tangent is that my husband asked me, like, how fast can you get this done if you were to do it yourself versus have a publisher? And when I started thinking about, like, okay. We knew that, like, this travel season for him was gonna be kicking off his lot of conferences and, like, new customers, got to meet all these clients. And then we get into the summer. The kids are gonna be here twenty four seven, so that's gonna be another rhythm and another transition. When I look at the fall, I'm like, okay.
Patricia Sung [00:06:39]:
Well, after, you know, they get back in school, okay. Cool. I'll have more space on my plate, but, you know, the retreat's in October. So that means September is my month of, like, making sure everything is prepped for that, which, by the way, you should come. Put yourself on the wait list. List. If you are not already on the wait list, it's patriciasung.com/retreat. And I think the wait list is patriciasung.com/retreat-waitlist if you wanna go directly there.
Patricia Sung [00:07:04]:
But you go to the the retreat page because you see how cute it is, and I used to come hang out with us in adorable tiny homes. And, it's on a little goat farm. The goats are off to the side if you wanna hang up the goats. You don't have to hang up the goats. They're so cute. You can go feed them. And it's like there's a lake, and you have your own little tiny home, and it's peaceful, and it's gonna be amazing. We're gonna have a whole weekend full of relaxing, and I'm gonna take care of you, and I'm gonna feed you, and you just get to show up and relax and enjoy.
Patricia Sung [00:07:29]:
It's gonna be amazing. And about half the spots are filled right now, so there is a space for you, ma'am. Go sign up. I think that I'll probably have the tickets on sale again in May. That's the plan right now. But, anyways, retreats in October, and then all of a sudden, voila. We're in November, which then you get into Thanksgiving and the holidays and Christmas and New Year's and all that special stuff going on at that time of year, and then we're already in next year. Then we're right back to where we are because it's it's March.
Patricia Sung [00:07:56]:
And I was just like, things are never going to be quiet as a parent until they move out one day. Like, I will not gonna have this, like, grand expansive time where things are going to be calm in the foreseeable future. So when I think about, like, yeah. Sure. I can self publish, and I can figure out, like, how to make a cover and how to find an editor and I can do all that. But, like, what is my time worth, and do I have capacity for that? And I realized, like, man, I think this is, like, a really big fallacy where we think, like, we can, like, save money by doing things ourselves. Yes. That's true.
Patricia Sung [00:08:35]:
And instead of paying for something in money, you're then paying for it with your time or with your effort. And those things are also valuable. Your time is also valuable. Your effort is also valuable. And, like, if you don't have the dollars, you know the dollars. But also if you don't have the time, you know the time. So when I thought about, like, okay. I don't have as much help, and, like, I probably will will get hiring someone in the next couple months.
Patricia Sung [00:09:00]:
It's not gonna be while I'm finishing the book because, otherwise, I'm gonna get distracted by, you know, hiring them and training them and all that. And I'm already, like, had to train my current people to take over some of the stuff that my other assistant was not doing. It's like, I already shifted things around, and it's like for me to then go and shift more things around, that, again, it takes time and effort. And so right now, like, priority is try to write this book as fast as you can and get as much as possible done before the school year is over. But, realistically, like, I don't have a bunch of capacity to add on figuring out how to be a publisher. I don't. My ADHD is like, oh my gosh. That sounds so fun.
Patricia Sung [00:09:40]:
Let's go learn all the things. But, again, there's only one of me. So I am currently talking to the publisher. Who knows? I'm still I haven't signed the contract yet. We're still, you know, talking, you know, getting answers on questions and talking to lawyers and all that stuff about the contract. But I I think it'll come together. And I just realized, like, I can figure that out on my own, and then I'm paying with my time and my energy, or I can go to this company that already knows what to do and how to do it and learn all I can. And then when I get done to the end of the process to be like, okay.
Patricia Sung [00:10:14]:
Was that worth it? Do I wanna do that again? I might be like, I'm never reading another book again, so it doesn't matter. Or I might be like, I learned all this cool stuff, and now I can self publish. Or I might be like, you know what? I'd really just I I would like to outsource this to somebody else who knows what they're doing and not take that on myself. And I think as I've gotten older, I'm valuing my time and my capacity. Like, I think the more that I learn about my ADHD, I really value my capacity a lot more and my energy a lot more. And knowing that, like, there are so many things I can do myself and I'm a very intelligent person who's a figure outerer, and I'll figure it out. But at the same time, like, it's not free even though I'm not spending money on it. So I'm opting for going with the publisher because they know what they're doing.
Patricia Sung [00:10:54]:
I don't have to learn all that stuff. And, yes, there's a trade off because I'm probably well, not probably. I'm definitely not gonna make as much money. Like but I've also learned in this process, like, unless you're Stephen King or something, like, you don't make that much money being an author unless your book gets signed for a Netflix deal, like and, obviously, like, I'm writing a nonfiction book, so, no, I don't think there's gonna be any Netflix shows on it, but you never know. I I'm like, don't speak that way. You never know. I would absolutely love to be on TV and talking to moms about ADHD. That sounds excellent.
Patricia Sung [00:11:25]:
Now do I expect my book to turn into a movie deal or a show deal? No. But I want to be able to teach as many women as possible all that I've learned so that you can then turn around and teach your kids that so that, you know, like, the ripple effect continues, and we're changing the paradigm of ADHD just like I say in the song at the beginning. That's the goal here. So I recognize I'm not gonna make as much money on the book because the publisher takes the most risk and they take the most money. But I'm allowed to do the thing that I'm good at, which is teaching people, and I'm not using my energy on the things that I don't know how to do. And, like, I might be good at them, I might not, but that's not my specialty. And if I'm over here trying to figure out the cover design for my book, I'm not teaching women. And that's where my zone of genius is, and that's really I need to stay.
Patricia Sung [00:12:11]:
So I am learning to value my time and value my effort more and my capacity. And that the way that I look at things now, like, if you would ask me five years ago well, first of all, I would have told you I wanted to write a book, but I would have gone with self publishing app because I'm like, I can do it myself. I can figure it out. And all this to say that as you are learning about who you are and what you're good at and what makes sense for you, know that, like, your answer doesn't have to be the same every time. You don't have to pick the same answer now that you would have picked five years ago that you'll pick in two years. Given the information that you have right now, you make the best decision with what you know. And this is something that I talk about with my clients all the time of, like, a lot of times women with ADHD will get stuck in this analysis paralysis of, like, I don't know what to do. I need to do some more research, and I don't know what the right answer is.
Patricia Sung [00:12:58]:
And, I mean, it's complex. Oh my god. I didn't write the chapter in the book yet. I'm gonna probably take some of the notes here that I'm seeing right now. But there's the combination of you get into the overwhelm. And when you're overwhelmed and you're stressed, you can't access the logic parts of your brain. So you're not able to think about things as clearly because you're in a stress response, which means your brain is functioning in a survival mode instead of, like, you know, homeostasis, everything is okay mode. So when you're in this analysis paralysis, a lot of times it's because your stress is too high and you don't have access to that part of your brain that can help you make logical decisions.
Patricia Sung [00:13:31]:
The other part of it is that we don't trust that we're making the right decision. And a lot of times, it's because we don't feel like we know enough information. And we are never gonna get to the point where we know exactly what to the right answer is. Hindsight's always twenty twenty. You're not gonna know ahead of time what the right answer is because you don't have all the information that future you will have. So you know, like, a year from now what would have been the best decision, but future you has information that now you doesn't have. So you can't make a decision based on information you don't have yet. And that's become like a a recognition for me in knowing that, like, future me will be able to decipher what was the best idea.
Patricia Sung [00:14:09]:
But future me has more experience. Future me has more information. Future me has the benefit of having gone through the thing and, like, knowing that's what the right answer is because I already did it. But the underlying piece there is it's because we don't trust ourselves. It's because you don't trust that little voice that's telling you what to do. It's because either you've trained yourself to ignore it, you've trained yourself to think other people's opinions are more important because they were louder and maybe more powerful, and we lose sight when we hear over and over again, like, you're being too dramatic, you're being too sensitive, why are you worried about that? We begin to think that our voice is incorrect. So we start to ignore it because we think, well, I can't listen to that voice because that voice is too sensitive. That voice is too loud.
Patricia Sung [00:14:50]:
That voice is too whatever thing that you were told as you were growing up, and we discredit our inner knowing and what we know to be true because we don't think that it's the right thing because we keep getting these messages. And I have spent so much time over the last couple of years and even more so just in the last month of, like, listening to myself and listening to listening to my voice and trusting it because I know the answer, and you know the answer. You know inside what's the right answer for you given the information that you have currently, but you may not be able to hear that voice right now. I'm I'm also think I have an episode on this, so I'm gonna pause, and I'm gonna write down, Patricia, find the episode with this and put it in the show notes. I'm like, I know that I've talked about this a ton in my group coaching and with one on one clients, but I'm I'm pretty sure I have a podcast episode on. Okay. So if I find it, if that truly exists, I will put it in here, in the show notes. But going back, where was I? On track now, Patricia.
Patricia Sung [00:15:42]:
You were saying, oh, is that like, we feel like we don't know what the answer is because we can't hear that voice inside or you don't you can't feel the gut feeling. Like, not everybody's voice is an actual voice. Some people's is, like, an auditory, like, sound or they, like, hear their thoughts being thought Sung. When I hear hear your thoughts being thunk. I don't think that's right. You can hear your thoughts. And other people know based on, like, a gut feeling. Some people don't feel it in their body.
Patricia Sung [00:16:07]:
Like, they're like, I know that this is not a good idea as soon as my stomach does this. And everybody knows in a different way. Some people literally just know. They're like, I just know. I know it. And when you can tune into what those signals are, which hopefully is in this episode that I'm thinking about in my head and not in my coaching. Like, my brain is is like that information exists. Where is it? Where is it? Hopefully, I'll find it.
Patricia Sung [00:16:31]:
When you're able to tune into that inner knowing, then it's so much easier to make decisions and to know what the right answers are because you're listening to yourself. Well, this whole past month, I feel like I was, like, hemming and hawing about different things of self publishing versus the publisher versus should I interview some other publishers and trying to gather all the right information to know in order to make this decision. And I realized that that was actually, like, the surface level problem. Like, all that logistical stuff is more like it's not deep. It's like basic things that I can investigate, I can do some research, and I can generally know more or less what the answer is. But underneath all of that, the reason I was struggling to finish my proposal and put together my outline, because I need to have whether or not I'm going with the publisher or I'm doing it myself. Like, I still have to have a plan, and I still have to know what I'm talking about. And putting together that plan, I realized where I was actually struggling for real underneath all that was the fact that I am putting on paper how I feel about things.
Patricia Sung [00:17:30]:
And I want to be able to stand by that which I write five years from now or ten years from now. And I was worried, and anxiety was jumping in about, like, well, what if I write the wrong thing? What if I say something and then realize three years from now, like, that's totally wrong, and science has proven it otherwise, and maybe I or even somebody already proved that I was wrong, and I didn't know. And there was, like, this wrestling with, like, well but what if I don't do a good job? And then I have garbage I have a garbage book. Which, like, saying it out loud is like, oh my gosh, Patricia. What? But these things that we think in our head and that can, like, become runaway thought trains, when they stay in our head, they can really take up a lot of our capacity. And when we say them out loud or if we talk with it, you know, with a friend or a partner or your therapist, like, oh, your coach, Like, those things when we can say them out loud and we shed light on it, all of a sudden it's like, oh, I can realize either this really is a valid point that I need to deal with or okay. That's not really realistic. Or you're worrying about the what if of the what if of the what if, which hand raise, that's me a lot, and that's something that, again, I'm working on.
Patricia Sung [00:18:36]:
Like, I'm I'm thinking seven steps ahead, and I need to worry about the present moment. Like, yes, we do wanna have forethought, and we do wanna think, you know, long term and, you know, don't be shortsighted. But because we have brains that are moving so fast and can see so many angles, and not everybody, but a lot of people with ADHD can be like this, we can get bogged down in all of the different scenarios and the what ifs and the like, there's, like, so many options. Like, kind of like if you I don't know if you were when you're a kid, if you ever read those choose your own adventure books. It's like, if you start thinking about all the different places that this book ends and all 14 endings or 30 endings, I don't know how many were in there, that is really, like, information overload, and your brain's like, this is too much because it is. And we really only need to think about what the choice is on this page because thinking four steps from now, it doesn't matter if we haven't made the choice now. And this is where I was getting wrapped up in, like, how do I know this is the right answer? How do I know that I'm writing quality stuff? And how do I know that I'm aligned with what I'm saying? Okay. So I'm pulling up an email that I wrote to one of my mentors last month who had written an email.
Patricia Sung [00:19:40]:
And I responded back and I started writing, and then I, of course, like, wrote, like, a full novel of what I was struggling with. And she was talking about, like, how something that can be really wonderful, like, in this her case, she's saying, like, her best friends were also her biggest roadblock. She was worried about how they would think about her, how they would judge her changing her career. And I started, like, processing through, like, this is probably right after I recorded the last book update for last month and realizing, like, I was dealing with all these surface issues, you know, to self publish, to traditional publish, to, you know, what's the title gonna be and all this? And, like, really, what I was wrestling with and what was holding me back was all the struggle in my mind. How do I make sure that this book actually represents me correctly, and how do I make sure that I'm being aligned? And one of the things I was wrestling with was, like, my faith. I am a Christian, and I started thinking, like, as I'm putting into this outline, like, how do I talk about how I deal with my ADHD without mentioning my faith? Can I write a book that does not include my faith? Because when I am helping moms, I don't want my faith to be a barrier for people for, like, hearing the help that they need. And I know that there are so many people within the ADHD community. They're, like, so hurt from organized religion and, you know, relatives and, like, like, there's just so much pain and hurt and confusion.
Patricia Sung [00:21:02]:
And you look around right now, it just like the fabric of America here. And there's so many Christians who are saying hateful things, and I feel like, like, they're giving us a bad name, man. Like, I don't want all of that baggage to prevent people from coming to listen to the podcast or to read the book because I want so many people to be helped, and I don't wanna help only the people who look like me and sound like me and believe the same things that I do and have the same amount of money that I do and live in the same country that I do or even the same state. Like, I don't wanna help a small group of people that look just like Patricia. I wanna help all of the moms who have ADHD. And I recognize that that's probably not possible because not everybody's gonna resonate with me, but I don't want my faith to be a blockade from people getting the help they need. And one of the things I worried about working with a traditional publisher was, like, are they gonna be like, no. You can't talk about your religion.
Patricia Sung [00:21:58]:
I was even saying to a friend, like, well, I wonder if I could, like, write, like, the regular version and then write, like, the Christian version of the book. And thank goodness she called me out hard, and she was like, Patricia, you you cannot do that. She said it much nicer than that. But she was like, you can't take who you are out of this book and think that it will be an aligned product, like, an end result if you're taking out part of who you are. And I was like, yeah. And, like, fundamentally, like, I know that. But my brain was just like, how do I reconcile this? How do I help people without scaring them away? Because there's so much hurt and baggage that comes from organized religion. And I know that that's not something that prevents me from helping people because my clients come from all kinds of religions and backgrounds and countries, and I'm able to help lots of people.
Patricia Sung [00:22:51]:
And I'm not over here being like, the wrath of the Lord. Like, no. Like, that's not what I'm here to do in my job is to scare people away. And by the same, like, token, my faith is such a huge part of me. How on earth do I write a book that doesn't include a big part of me? And I felt like I was writing down the recipe of how to make cookies and then, like, forgetting not forgetting, but, like, actively avoiding. Sharing that, like, you need an oven. If you're gonna do it like me, like, I used an oven. Like, a lot of what I do and, like, how I stay sane is related to my faith.
Patricia Sung [00:23:24]:
So I felt like I was then lying by saying, like, you can do all this stuff, but, like, I do all that stuff. But I also have Jesus anchoring the way that I do stuff. And he's, like, my fundamental, like, point of strength. So then I was, like, well, am I now lying by not mentioning my faith at all? And, like, I know that there are plenty of people out there who manage their ADHD well without their religion. So, like, my way is not the only way to do it, but how do I teach you how I do it without mentioning that that's important to how I function on a daily basis? And then on the flip side, like, if I think about all the, like, bad reviews I've had on the podcast, most of them go back to the fact that I mentioned something about my faith or I don't I think maybe she's I mean, here's the thing. Like, I would hope that by the way I speak, you would recognize that I am someone who follows Jesus and maybe not, like, explicitly. Like, I would hope that you notice that I'm not over here talking crap about people or that I'm not swearing up a storm. Like, something you know, sometimes words come out.
Patricia Sung [00:24:29]:
But, like, generally speaking, I would hope that the way that I treat people is a reflection of that I hold myself to a different standard than what common culture may or may not approve of. And I would hope that you would notice that it's different. And I think that's why people then will write these reviews saying, like, it's a Christian podcast. And I'm like, I am a Christian so, like, I wouldn't want you to listen to this and be like, wow. I had no idea Patricia was a Christian because she's such a wobbly person. Like, I don't want that either. And here I am, like, wrestling with all this of, like, how do I show up and authentically tell you how I deal with my ADHD and not, like, mention my faith at all, but, like, I also don't want to have a Christian podcast. I don't want to write a Christian book because that's not the angle that I believe, first of all, that God is asking me to do that.
Patricia Sung [00:25:20]:
But there is such a stigma around Christianity. They also don't wanna be lumped into this, like, like, I don't wanna put in the box. Don't put me in the box and say that I can only talk about this from the point of Christianity because it's like, don't put baby in the corner. Nobody wants baby in the corner. Like, don't put me in the box because when you then lump me in this category of, like, well, now you're a Christian author with a Christian podcast. But now I'm not talking to most of the people that I wanna talk to, the people that I'm trying to help. Like, as soon as you put me in that box, so many people are not going to read my book. They are not going to listen to my podcast because they're like, well, that's not for me.
Patricia Sung [00:25:58]:
So here I am wrestling with, I don't want to write a Christian book. I don't want this to be all about my faith because while my faith is very important to me, I don't think you have to be a Christian to be able to manage your ADHD well, and I wanna help everybody. So how do I put all these pieces together when I feel like half of me is fighting about, like, well, can I just, like, make the book with no religion at all, but also, like, will my poster even let me mention my religion? Also, like, I don't wanna lie and not put in anything about my faith. I was like, oh my gosh. I'm, like, having, like, an existential crisis here of how do I create this book that accurately explains what I do and also mentions it. By the way, this is a component of how I deal with it is my Christianity. But at the same time, like, I'm gonna give you so many tools in this book, and I'm gonna expect you to do all of them. Like, this isn't like there's not like a % requirement to have success.
Patricia Sung [00:26:49]:
If I put in chapter, you know, 20 ideas, you know, you only need one. I'm expecting you to do 20 for 20. So you don't have to be a Christian to learn a lot from my book, and I don't want to scare away the people who are like organized religion scares me, which I'm like, I get it. There's some people out here who are crazy, and I don't wanna be associated with them. So how am I going to put in one book, like, my information and my recommendations and not scare away all the people, but also, like, not leave out important information of, like, who I am and how I approach things. And, like, that was what I was wrestling with in the month of February. I didn't know how to take all facets of me and be able to put this book out and be like, I'm aligned with this. I agree with this.
Patricia Sung [00:27:32]:
This makes sense. I feel good about this. I feel aligned with how I've explained things. I feel like I'm helping so many people, and it's still me. How do I make the thing that helps the most amount of people possible and also stays true to me? That was really what I was wrestling with because I also am pretty liberal on my views compared to most Christians. And then I was like, oh, great. Well, now if I start talking about capitalism and the patriarchy and all this stuff, then I'm gonna have all the Christians Sung like, I don't read your book either because now you're a crazy liberal. And I'm like, I don't think I am, but I know I'm on the edge of the Christianity where I do think there's a lot of issues going on in our country right now, and they make me really sad.
Patricia Sung [00:28:16]:
And I want to talk about them, and I I have issues with the way that people are spewing hateful words. And we're not loving our neighbor. We're trying to send them to another country. We're not loving our neighbor. We're over here telling this person they're terrible and that person they're terrible. And I got, you know, trolls sending me mean messages on Instagram because I say something about, like, my political views. I'm like, oh my gosh. I'm like, I'm just gonna I'm gonna make everybody mad.
Patricia Sung [00:28:39]:
Nobody's gonna read the book because everyone's gonna be mad at me. And then I'm like, oh, here we are again. Everybody's mad at me. No. Everybody's not mad at me. And I am not for everybody. And that's one of the hardest things, I think, in this journey of having a podcast is to be able to consistently put out my words and thoughts and know that I'm not gonna be for everybody. Not everybody's gonna like me, and not everybody's gonna agree with me.
Patricia Sung [00:29:01]:
And then I'm gonna get negative criticism. And how do I stay strong in who I am so that I can handle that? Because their judgments are a reflection of them and not on me, and what matters that I stay true to who I am along each step of the way. And that's a lot easier said than done. It's almost time, mama. We are in the final stages of planning our fall ADHD moms retreat and getaway weekend. You deserve a weekend to step away, slow down, take care of yourself, bunch of other ADHD moms who get how you think. If you want to be the first to know what's going on for next year's retreat, sign up for the waitlist now at patriciasung.com/retreat-waitlist. Put your name on the list, and we'll let you know as soon as the early bird tickets are ready.
Patricia Sung [00:29:55]:
Now you know it's gonna be a great time, especially since half the moms who came last year have already signed up for this year. So come join us. Spend the weekend building up your toolbox to take care of you and taking a deep breath to relax and enjoy the calm of a weekend away. Sung forward /retreat dash wait list. I consistently am doing the hard work work of staying aligned and true to who I am and regulating my nervous system so that I can handle that stress, and I can handle those harsh words, and still be able to hold that baseline while also knowing that it's going to keep coming. Like, the more I speak out, the more somebody has something to say. And I have to be in a place where I am sturdy enough to handle that before I step out and make those statements. So here I am writing this book realizing, like, oh my gosh.
Patricia Sung [00:30:57]:
Like, the more that I am boldly claiming what I believe to be true, like, I'm just opening the floodgates for people to have things to say. And am I gonna still be able to stand by what I'm writing on this page ten years from now? Like, I want to be the person whose book is still being recommended ten, twenty, thirty years from now. And I think that pressure was getting to me of, like, oh my gosh. Like, this isn't just a blog post that, like, if I don't like it, I can go delete it. I could change it. Like, once it's in print, it's in print. I can't change it. Like, how do I know that I'm happy with those words that are gonna be there forever that I can't change? Like, I don't know.
Patricia Sung [00:31:39]:
For some reason, like, it being in black and white feels different than the podcast. Even though, like, you can go back and listen to the episodes I recorded six years ago, and sometimes I listen to them, and I'm like, oh, jeez. What? I did not know what I was doing. I mean, I knew a lot of staff, but it's like I have six more years of experience. And the other part of me is like, you know what? Good job, old me. You stepped out. You did hard things. You tried stuff.
Patricia Sung [00:32:02]:
You didn't know what you were doing, and that's how you learn. Good job, old you. And it's this constant reminder to myself of all the things that I hold true. Man, I I didn't even bring up the fact that, like, the way that I coach and the way that I teach is not traditional. It's not what everybody else does. And that makes it hard, one, to be like I feel like sometimes, like, I'm the outlier of all the outliers. Like, I am on the outskirts of how most people, quote, unquote, like, do ADHD coaching. Like, I'm already not doing what everybody else is doing.
Patricia Sung [00:32:40]:
I'm doing it in a different way. So I'm the outlier of the outliers, but I know it's because it works. But, like, here I am sitting on the outlier and being like, now I have to be able to explain how I coach in words. It's like, oh, man. Like, when I coach, it's so client driven. It is you and me in a dance, and I am leading you where you need to go. It's not Patricia driven because there's a lot of times I sit down with the client and they start talking and it's like, well, if you have this problem, like, nine times out of 10, it's gonna be that you need a, b, or c. And, like, sometimes I'm like, oh, well, we are over here at f.
Patricia Sung [00:33:20]:
I I know how to do f, but, like, that's not where I thought we were going because most people, it's a, b, or c. So, like, I'm not going to show up and be like, oh, you have this problem. Here's a, b, and c. You show up with your problem, and I'm, like, listening and guiding. And, like, if I end up at z, cool. Okay. Like, we'll get there. But it's not on my agenda.
Patricia Sung [00:33:40]:
Like, I don't show up with a framework and, like, here's the 10 step process and I'm just gonna shuffle you through. Like, I'm listening to what you say and I am guiding you where you need to go based on what you need in your situation. I'm like, how do I put that in a book? How do I write that down? It's different for every person. And I am now having to, like, get meta about how I do what I do to be able to put those instructions on a page, and that also feels like a lot of pressure to explain what I do that is sometimes kind of inexplicable. Yeah. I got strategies. I got all strategies for the strategies, and I got tools for the strategies. So the toolkits got more tools.
Patricia Sung [00:34:19]:
I got all that. I have that from my years of teaching. I got those. That's easy to write down in the book. But the reason for my clients that those things stick is because we work on the neuroplasticity, and I coach the unconscious mind. And that kinda like it's a little out there for some people. And they're like, what do you mean you're coaching the unconscious mind? Listen, If I could just coach your conscious mind, do you know how easy my job would be? Do you know how easy you do you know how easy it would be for you? If all you had to do was decide in your conscious mind that you were gonna do something different and then you just did it. Cool.
Patricia Sung [00:34:56]:
I don't wanna be late again. Look, I'm not late again. I decide I wanna go to the gym three times a week. Oh, look. I just I went because I decided. I'm not gonna eat sweets after 10PM. Cool. I just didn't eat them anymore because I decided.
Patricia Sung [00:35:09]:
Look. That's not how our brains work. When I coach, I'm coaching your unconscious mind. I am going in to help you find the unconscious patterns and habits and thought loops that are running around in there, wreaking havoc and that you'll I don't want this anymore. I don't want the pattern that I yell at my kids every time my toddler loses their ever loving mind over dumb stuff. Because they're toddlers, they don't got a fully formed brain yet, and it is the end of the world for them when they got a blue cup instead of the orange one because the orange one was in the dishwasher. But you're like, but I don't want to lose my mind on my toddler who doesn't have a fully formed brain just because they're upset about their cup. So I help you figure out what's the pattern going on in your unconscious mind, but, like, I'm not telling you that because that sounds weird.
Patricia Sung [00:36:03]:
I am using my spidey senses to figure out where the pattern is and I let up the pattern. And then I tell you, okay, what do you want? And I help you figure out the new pattern. And then I essentially copy and paste this new pattern that you want and I paste it on the old pattern that you don't want anymore. And it is in your unconscious because if I told you, hey, you know what? If your toddler wants the blue cup or the orange cup and and you only have a blue cup, you could just take three deep breaths and smile and tell them, I will wash the orange cup for you or I love you, but all we have are blue cups and then move on with your day. That's not how it works. Your conscious mind is overwhelmed. Your conscious mind is stressed. Your conscious mind is out of capacity.
Patricia Sung [00:36:52]:
So I'm reaching into your unconscious mind with you and finding the place that needs to get rewritten in order for you to get to the different outcome and helping you rewire that in your mind. And a lot of times, I get to the end of a session and clients look at me like, Patricia, what is this magic? I cannot believe that I am now kind of excited to meal plan. And I'm like, dude, I I've never been excited about meal planning. It is not my favorite thing. I also have never done neuroplasticity on that for myself, but maybe I should. I'm like, the, you know, the cobbler shoes, man. You don't ever have, what you need. Right? It's like, I know.
Patricia Sung [00:37:34]:
Like, clients would be in, they'd be like, what is this witchcraft, Patricia? And I'm like, but I don't do witchcraft. I'm a Christian girl. But like, it is when you get in and modify your unconscious mind to get out of the habit that has been sitting there, that has been run over and over again for decades due to whatever has been going on in your life, and then you can rewrite it with a new thing, it sounds bonkers. So I'm like, how am I gonna write a book telling people what I do when sometimes I don't even believe myself that I pulled this off? How did I pull off helping a newly divorced Sung mom all of a sudden feel really good about meal planning for her family? I I I didn't I know what I did, but it sounds like magic. And now I gotta explain the magic on a page, and that feels like a lot of pressure. And, like, speaking this out loud is what helps me work through it and be like, it is hard, and I don't know how I'm gonna explain this. And so what I'm currently working on in the book is not that. I am writing the parts that I feel really clear about, and I'm gonna let future Patricia handle that.
Patricia Sung [00:38:50]:
I'm really hoping that Patricia may know what she's doing because I'm trying to get this book done by the end of school year if at all possible. So I'm really hoping that future Patricia next month knows how to put that into words. I may I may be I just need to go pull the transcript from this episode and drop it in there. I don't know. But it has been a whole probably two months of sitting with all of this discomfort in how do I put something that feels really easy to me on the page and explain it to somebody else because it comes easy to me. Actually, I was working on this chapter earlier about, like, unmet potential and, like, understanding your gifts. And a lot of the time when we have a gift, we don't think it's special because it's always been there. So it doesn't feel like a gift because you've always had it, and you're used to it.
Patricia Sung [00:39:42]:
And it's hard to explain it because you just do it. Like, I still remember I was watching this, like, oh, man. This is, like, probably in, like, the nineties. I was watching some, like, Good Morning America whatever, you know, type show with my mom. And they had this guy on who was a sculpturist sculpture sculpture a sculpture, and he was, like, literally, like, carving marble statues like you see in a museum. And they asked him, like, how do you know what to do? How do you turn it into something? He's like, well, you just you just remove all the parts that shouldn't be there. I was like, those of us who are not artists are like, I don't know what should be there, let alone what shouldn't be there. Like, that was such a fascinating idea.
Patricia Sung [00:40:24]:
Like, to him, he was just like, I that's just what I do because he knows it's his gift and it's just easy for him. Whereas those of us who are standing there looking at it are like, wow. I have no idea how you turn that rock into the bust of David, but wow, now this is my challenge to take this gift that is so easy for me and now be able to explain it in a way that makes sense to other people and hopefully that they can actually get something out of it. Can I explain it in a way that people can do it for themselves? I don't know. I'm like, is that a whole another book? Again, I don't know. But this two months has been a full existential crisis of what am I doing? Who am I? How am I gonna put everything in my brain into real words so that other people can get what they need out of it so that they can read this book, you, you mama, that you can read this book and be like, I feel like I understand myself better. I feel like I can use these tools that Patricia is sharing with me. And while I know I can speak a lot of them, which is actually how I've written a big chunk of the book so far, and, like, by big chunk, I mean, like, I have brainstormed out probably half the book this way by just talking all my thoughts out and then going back and I'm editing them, which is obviously way harder to, like, take the spoken word and turn it into something written because you read differently than you talk.
Patricia Sung [00:41:51]:
But yet, I still want it to be in my voice, so I don't want it to be weird. I still want it to sound like me, but yet flow like a written piece as opposed to a spoken piece. And how do I do all of that while staying true to myself? And what I've realized is, like, I just gotta be me. I can't be anything else but me. And, like, if it turns out that of all of you and the other moms that are listening to this are like, wow, I I don't resonate with Patricia anymore because I don't wanna hear about her faith or I don't wanna hear about her coaching unconscious minds or I don't wanna hear about the patriarchy. I probably won't talk about patriarchy that much, but I it is gonna be mentioned because, like, the way that our social system is set up is part of why women struggle to get diagnosed. But I can't try to fold myself origami myself into something different. In writing this book, I'm just gonna be me.
Patricia Sung [00:42:47]:
And I gotta hope that if there's one of me out here who resonates with this, then there's hopefully also other moms who will resonate with this. And I also have to trust that you as the reader can come in and be like, I don't need this book to be written exactly by, like a me lookalike. I can take what I need from it. I can leave the rest. And I have to have trust that you as my reader are able to do that. And if you're not, then don't read the book. I guess, is the solution. But coming to a place where I'm okay being like, look, here's me on a page.
Patricia Sung [00:43:22]:
And either you like me or you don't. Either you can take what you need and leave the rest or you don't. But I can only write this book from being holy me and hope that there's someone else out there who's in a similar position to me. Like, that was kind of like a baseball moment, I guess of like, Patricia, you started this podcast so that other moms with ADHD would feel at home and like, feel like they weren't alone. And now here you are feeling like you can't put everything on the page. Because what if you're alone and nobody else feels like this? Like, ah, man, come on, don't drink the Kool Aid. Don't think that you're the only person dealing with this. You know that there are other people out here that feel similarly enough that it matters.
Patricia Sung [00:44:14]:
There are not over a million downloads of this podcast because it's just me and you listening and talking here. There are literally thousands and thousands and thousands of moms who are listening too, and we aren't alone. So I am writing this book for you, and I hope that it will be what you need. And I also have to hope that, you know what, maybe chapter 14 really resonates now, and in six months, you're really gonna need chapter 26. Because also, I mean, I'm writing these, like, really short chapters. So there's a lot of chapters, but they're real short. I have to tell myself that, like, the book's not gonna be everything for everyone at this very moment, but the people who need it are gonna get it. And that when you're reading it now, it has what you need now, and I hope that when you read it in five years, it also has what you need when you're going through that season of life.
Patricia Sung [00:45:08]:
And that when you hand it to a friend because they just got diagnosed, that it has what they need too. And above all else, that this book is true to who I am and that I am fulfilling the mission that I was given, which was to write this book even though I was not planning on it. I was like, oh, maybe I write a book in, like, you know, like, 2030. That sounds good. When my kids are, like, in high school and busy all the time, that that is when I will write the book. But, no, he's like, you know what? I need you to write this book now. Clear the deck. Don't do all those other projects you had on the docket.
Patricia Sung [00:45:40]:
This is what I'm asking you to do right now. So I am gonna align with sick. Okay. That's I alright. This was not that was not my plan, and I'm sure that my plan was not as good as his plan. So I'm gonna follow it. I went do what he asked me to do, and then to be true to me, he created me to be this ADHD coach who has known about my ADHD diagnosis for over twenty five years at this point, which is crazy, to have this teaching experience of working with hundreds and thousands of middle schoolers and high schoolers. I'd be like, listen.
Patricia Sung [00:46:14]:
If I can get a 12 year old to be organized, I for sure can teach you how to write some stuff in a schedule. Okay, ma'am? I can do this with children whose brains have not fully formed because they're middle school. I can help you. He's given me all that experience to be able to do that. He's also given me the curiosity to say, what's going on here with this unconscious mind stuff? Like, what is this? How do brains work? I wanna understand. I am so thankful that I have the knowledge that my brain is not stuck this way forever. I can modify and mold and choose and create in my mind with my mind different ways of doing things. Like, I am not stuck in the patterns of trauma or the patterns of unhealthy crappy people that I get to do things differently and that I have the option to do things differently.
Patricia Sung [00:47:10]:
Like, 50 ago, we thought brains didn't even change. We thought brains just you know, that's the brain you got. It's too bad, so sad. No. Your brain can change all the time. And to have the skill to help women do things differently and break out of the unhealthy patterns and the generational trauma that you've been dealt? Like, what? I get to do that every day? That's crazy. So I get to take all these pieces of me, the conservative parts and the liberal parts, the fired up parts, and the soft and the gentle parts, like all the pieces of me come together into this one place. I'd be like, I am meant to be here and now.
Patricia Sung [00:47:54]:
So what am I gonna do with it? Now that I feel like I am centered in of, like, this is my mission. This is my job right now. Write as many chapters of this book as I possibly can before the school year is over. I'm like, let's roll. The only thing I'm gonna get distracted by is get the retreat rolling in May. But other than that, we're on book mode, blinders on, write the book. And hopefully, by the time I'm sharing the next episode, I've got a signed contract in hand. Because if not, I'm I'm a self Patricia this thing.
Patricia Sung [00:48:30]:
I'm already gonna have it half written by the time and get all this paperwork done and know really clearly that I'm on the way to fulfilling that because I feel really centered in who I am and what I'm here to do in this season. All that to say, I want you to have the same level of clarity that I have in who I am and what's important to me and what I hope is that this book is also going to be helping you on that journey to do the same. I want you to know so clearly who you are so that your truth is so obvious to you that you don't ever second guess yourself. You don't ever waffle around on decisions because you know what is true for you. You are so clear on who you are and your values and your priorities that it's really easy to make decisions. It's easy to know when it's time to speak up and when it's time to let go. When it is time to, like, get fired up and, like, you know, hop in the chariots and roll versus this is not my battle to fight, and I'm just gonna walk away. That clarity is what I hope that my book will begin to bring to you.
Patricia Sung [00:49:40]:
Like, this has been a lifelong pursuit for me. I've been working really hard on this for the last who knows how many years, but I want this book to be a catalyst to get you there too. So I have wrestled with all of this in the past six weeks of how do I take all of that and have it aligned so that I can sit here and put words on a page and stand by them today, tomorrow, ten years from now. So that I can be really proud of this. And that you have an amazing resource to hold in your hands and know I am not alone in this. That you can hear my voice say and be like, wow, Patricia wrestling with the same kind of things that I'm dealing with. I'm not alone because we're not. So you have ideas for the book, send them to me over at patriciasung.com/book.
Patricia Sung [00:50:30]:
If you wanna be on one of the beta reading teams, tell me there. And other than the retreat tickets that are gonna be on sale in May, I got blinders on. I am writing a book, and I think that third grade Patricia would have been really proud of me. And I hope that this book empowers you to do something that third grade you would be really proud of too. Have an amazing day, successful mama. We can do hard things together. I'll talk to you soon, Successful Mama. For more resources, classes, and community, head over to my website motherhoodinadhd.com.