Putting Off Your Big Dreams & Goals as a Mom #229
Are you feeling anxious or lazy cuz you’re avoiding tasks you need or want to do?
Do you want to achieve a big goal but think it isn’t realistic right now?
What if you *never* get around to the big dreams you have?
*cue PANIC*
When you’ve spent years feeling like you’re procrastinating, being lazy, and not understanding why you can’t.just.do.the.thing, you can easily get confused when there is something you really want to do but it’s not a good fit right now.
Sometimes life is too full for one more project.
Sometimes you’re just trying to keep your head above water.
Suddenly, ignoring the unfolded laundry basket, avoiding your finances, not going back to finish your degree, and ordering takeout instead of cooking dinner all end up in the same bucket.
But these are not the same kinds of projects when it comes to procrastination and avoidance.
In this episode, I’m sharing how I distinguish when I'm actively avoiding something versus choosing to set up my life in a way that fits me and my family.
You’re NOT an inherently lazy person who will never accomplish anything ever. Let’s make some sense of these conflicting feelings.
You’re not alone.
“This is a chance to invest in yourself and build a community that will empower your future. Worth it!” –ADHD Mama D.B.
Our annual ADHD Moms Luxury Weekend Retreat is coming up October 11-13, 2024 in Houston, Texas! And we hope you’re coming, too!
I’ll take care of all the details - you simply show up and enjoy.
Put it on your calendar now.
Having a circle of moms who support you and believe in you matters. Register for your all-inclusive ticket here: patriciasung.com/retreat
Patricia Sung 00:02
Are you overwhelmed by motherhood and barely keeping your head above water? Are you confused and frustrated by how all the other moms make it look so easy. You can figure out how to manage the chaos in your mind, your home, or your family. I get your mama, parenting with ADHD is hard. Here is your permission slip to let go of the Pinterest worthy visions of organization and structure fit for everyone else. Let's do life like our brains do life creatively, lovingly, and with all our might. When we embrace who we are and how our brains work, we can figure out how to live our lives successfully, and in turn, lead our families well, at the end of the day, we just want to be good moms. but spoiler alert, you are already a great mom. ADHD does not mean you're doomed to be a hot mess mama, you can rewrite your story from shame spiral success story. And I'll be right here beside you to cheer you on. Welcome to Motherhood in ADHD.
Patricia Sung 01:07
Before we jump into our episode, we got a review of the week which comes from Tami who was on the podcast a couple weeks ago. So go back and listen to her episode 224. But Tami says so many tips and reminders to be kind to myself, five stars. I laugh every episode because they see myself this show helps me stop feeling alone and reminds me that I can do hard things like paperwork. Thank you, Tami. And I hope you too, will read the podcast and go check out Tami’s episode back on E224. All right, let's jump in. Hey there successful mama. It's your friend Patricia Sung. In therapy last week, I had an epiphany and I want to share it with you. I was hanging out with my therapist about how I often feel behind and we were talking about this a couple episodes ago. And when I'm feeling behind. And like there's always like all these other things that I want to be doing that I'm not doing. And I'm afraid to say like I'm going to do this later, because it feels like I'm just never going to do it.
Patricia Sung 02:07
So we started to unpack the difference between putting something off and prioritizing it for later, when we're putting something off. Because we don't want to do it, there is a different feeling that I notice when I'm putting something off, I'm avoiding something, I don't want to do that. For me, a lot of my feelings sit in my gut, or they like vibrate at the front of my chest. And when I think about the things I've recently put off, like I put off doing my taxes way too long. I put off calling the fridge repair guy to fix the water dispenser on the fridge, I put off trying this pile of clothes next to me on the closet floor to see if they fit or need to return them. And when we're putting things off and avoiding them. There are different clues to me in my body that let me know that I'm putting it off or I'm avoiding it. Because I don't want to do it. I know when I stopped to think about it, why I'm not doing these things in the moment. I'm just like, I don't want to do that. Sometimes it's just like, I don't feel like getting up like I'm too tired. I don't feel like getting up and doing that thing. I don't feel like trying on all these clothes. It's like it's a sensory overload when it's like putting the things on and taking them off putting them on scratchy tightly. But I know that like sensory wise, that's not an enjoyable process. For me, I know what needs to get done.
Patricia Sung 03:20
But it's not an enjoyable process. When I think about doing the taxes. It was like it just felt like such a monumental project that it was like, Oh, my goodness ism took me so long. And it did did take a long time. Like the fact that it felt so big felt like it was not achievable, not attainable. It wasn't something I could do in one day, I had to break it down into pieces. And it felt like too much. So it felt overwhelming to start. So when I look at all these things that I'm putting off, and I can look at, like what it is that I don't want about it, I can look for these patterns and say, okay, for things like I don't want to do that, because I'm tired. It's like, okay, well, that's something I need to do when I have capacity for that for things that are going to be like the clothing or I know it's going to be a lot of sensory overload. I need people to do that when I have the capacity to intake all those senses. And I know that I'm going to want to be able to recuperate from that. So I need some space to get that unpleasant energy out of my body.
Patricia Sung 04:10
Maybe I need to go on a walk. Maybe I just need to like do the Charlie Brown shake in my room. Like, you know, like when the Charlie Brown guys on the show. They just like kind of dance and they all in the cartoon they get they all do different moves. They just do the same move over and over again. You can like find a Charlie Brown move where like you flap your head to the side and like Shake your arms out. It's like you can get that energy out things like the Texas I have to remind myself Hey, Patricia, you don't have to finish the entire tax project today. How about we work on it for an hour? We work on it for 15 minutes? What if we just open the program and see what's going on? We'll actually have to do anything.
Patricia Sung 04:45
Just open the accounting software, take a look around survey the land, you don't actually have to solve anything like breaking it down into like smaller pieces that feel doable for that day. Maybe I could ask my accountant a couple of the questions that I need to ask before I start So I'm not actually doing it, I'm prepping for it, finding ways to do things that I don't want to do, I can find out ways to make them more doable by listening to myself and thinking about like, what is it that I actually don't want to do? What am I noticing going on in my body? Or in my thoughts or in the feelings that are coming up? Like, what are the clues that I'm getting from myself that let me know, this is something I'm avoiding? What can I do to make those things not so terrible or recuperate from those terrible things, so that I can do the things that I know I need to get done.
Patricia Sung 05:28
But I don't particularly want to do when I look at it this way. It feels a lot better. Because then I don't focus on the fact that I'm procrastinating I don't focus on the fact that like, I'm feeling like lazy think when you've gotten that messaging over years and years of like, oh, you're procrastinating Oh, you're so lazy. You don't do anything. You're good for nothing like when you've been hearing all this in your life, those take root, you think that everything falls in this bucket that you're procrastinating that you're lazy, there's something wrong with you. And that's why you're not doing it right now. And what I have come to realize is that that is true for some things in terms of I am not doing it right now, but not because I'm lazy.
Patricia Sung 06:05
But because there's some kind of negative consequence that's going to happen. And I don't want that. Obviously, nobody likes negative consequences. So what can I do to support myself to make the negative things less negative, or make them feel easier so that I can do those things that I don't want to do? Before we continue on, I want to say thank you to our sponsors whose support allows me to bring you this podcast for free. I've got a podcast for you to check out. I'm so excited to partner with Understood Explains this month. This season of the show is hosted by teacher and special education expert Juliana Urtubey, and it's all about how to navigate IEPs or individualized education plans. This latest season of Understood Explains covers things like how to tell if your child needs an IEP.
Patricia Sung 06:50
And it busts through a bunch of misunderstandings about special education. I especially appreciated the episode that explained the difference between 504s and IEPs. Because when you are the one advocating for your child, the more knowledge that you have on this confusing subject, the more confident you will feel in being able to advocate for your child. All of this season's episodes are available both in English y Espanol. So if you have a child who you think might need an IEP, or maybe your child's IEP is ready to be updated for the upcoming year, here in your podcast app, search for Understood Explains and add it to your downloaded episodes so that you can take the listen later today. Again, that's Understood Explains right here in your podcast app.
Patricia Sung 07:36
What happens with this feeling of like, I'm not doing this right now starts to bleed into things that I'm prioritizing for later. So what happens is, for example, one of the things that I've been meaning to do for work is that I am thinking about writing a book, this process sounds terrible. No, thank you. That's one of those things I said, I'm never going to do. I also said I never have a community also said I never had a podcast, there's a lot of things I was gonna do here I am doing them. So like the idea of writing a book sounds so big that I'm like, Oh, I don't want to do that. So I have to sit here and be like, isn't that I don't want to do it? Or is it that the project feels really overwhelming and vague, and I don't know where to start. And so it feels like something I don't want to do.
Patricia Sung 08:23
And like it, I don't know about you. But like, it feels weird when I'm like, I want to do this thing. But I also don't want to do this thing. Like I want to have a book to share with people. But I don't actually want to write a book, the whole process of writing the book, then I gotta share the book, I gotta market the book. Oh, it just sounds so daunting. But I also know it will help so many people, I think it'd be super cool to have a book, I want my information and my experience and my knowledge to be like shareable in a different format for more people. And I know that like, I don't have time to write a book right now. Like we're in the beginning of summer.
Patricia Sung 09:02
That's the time where I work less. That's the time where I'm spending more time with my kids while they're home for the summer. This is the time where like, I'm also like, getting things ready for the retreat. Successful mama meetups is going on. I'm still doing that all summer. Like there's still things going on. So like I can't add more things to my plate when I'm already trying to keep the plate light for summer. So when I think about like, I'll do the book leader, oh, I could do the book like will own no mill. It's like, well, school's gonna start next year and a lighthouse is happening got the retreat in October and all of a sudden I'm like, Well, maybe I'll do the book in November. And I'm like, well, then we're getting into the holidays. December started the new year. There's another round of lighthouse in the new year. So like maybe I could do the book in February.
Patricia Sung 09:44
And when we start this like narrative, I don't know why you I started seeing this and like all of a sudden I'm like, oh, every time I say I'm going to do that later, it then feels back to Oh, you're procrastinating You're so lazy. You don't want to write a book or even smart and have to read a book who's gonna read your book. And also all these negative thoughts start swirling around writing a book. And I have now clumped this idea together with the yucky feelings that come from procrastinating or being a lazy person. Even though I've looked at the calendar and said, summer is not the time to be writing a book for me probably need to wait until after the retreat, I could probably do a little bit of book stuff in like, you know, end of October into November, December. So I'm a little crazy, and I could probably continue on it in the spring. So I have looked at my values and said, when I prioritize my life, spending time with my kids in the summer is more important than writing a book focusing on the things I've already committed to successful my meetups, Lighthouse coaching, the retreat, those things are more important than adding another thing, the book.
Patricia Sung 10:48
So I know, I'm not going to work on this until at least end of October. In this case, I have prioritized what's most important to me, and that's why it's getting put on later. So this is a separate thing than just putting it off and saying, oh, yeah, I'll do that some day. Later on. I'll get to that when we can look at our values and say, when I'm actively prioritizing, what are the things that are most important to me. And I say that this thing I want to do whether for you, you know, maybe it's not writing a book, maybe it's going back to school, maybe it's cleaning out your closet, like whatever thing it is that you want to get done, when you are prioritizing and saying like, right now this thing is more important to me, I have space for this other cool thing here. That's not the same as procrastinating. That's not the same thing as being a lazy person who doesn't want to do hard work.
Patricia Sung 11:35
Because a lot of times when we have this fear of like, well, if I say I'm going to do it later, it's never going to happen. Because we've seen in our lives, like when we don't actively make a plan for something later is always later. So avoiding the decision about the book is different than saying priority wise, it's going to be six months from now. Now I know with my ADHD, what I start thinking is, oh my goodness, if I see that I'm gonna do it later, I'm never going to get to it. It's just going to disappear from my brain, my brain is going to forget I even wanted to write a book and it's never going to happen. We create this limiting beliefs around like because I have forgotten things in the past. I will therefore also forget all the other things.
Patricia Sung 12:12
And that's not true. It's not an all or nothing thing, which we do a lot with ADHD. Just because we forgotten things in the past doesn't mean we're going to forget all the things. What can I do to support myself in working through that anxiety about how I'm going to forget all the things? Well, first, I remind myself of things that I have not forgotten things that I did remember, so that I can give my brain evidence that that's not true. I do remember things. It's time to be true to your invited mama to this year's third annual successful as a mother weekend retreat. It is time to relax, unwind, rest and take care of a very important person in the family, which is you. This year's retreat is on October 11- 13, 2024. And you're invited.
Patricia Sung 13:01
This is an all-inclusive retreat, it covers your meals, your hotel, all of our activities, all you have to do is show up. And I take it from there. We are staying in the historic boutique hotel, the Sam Houston in downtown Houston, where we will learn about ADHD tune in to who you are and what you need so that you can trust your gut. All while eating delicious food you didn't cook you didn't clean up hanging out with awesome other moms who are just like you in their ADHD journey, trying to make things work, fill out the permission slips do all the things but not this weekend. This weekend, you get to relax, I will take care of everything. And you get to focus on you. Head over to my website, patriciasung.com/retreat and grab your ticket. This is a small group. And we already have five moms from last year coming. So I don't have a ton of spots left. Do not wait. Do not procrastinate.
Patricia Sung 13:58
When you hear this and you say this is for me, go grab your ticket, you can use a payment plan. I don't charge extra for that. Go sign up, get your ticket and take a weekend to take care of you while I do other work. So head over to patriciasung.com/retreat and get your ticket for the third annual ADHD mom's amazing getaway weekend in relax. Visit patriciasung.com/retreat. Then I asked myself about my priorities. What are the most important things to me right now? And are the choices that I'm making align with those values. For example, in summer, I want to spend more time with my kids in the summer while they're here. Yes, I could do 47 core projects over the summer. But in this moment, what's most important is spending time with my kids.
Patricia Sung 14:46
And of course I read the stupid meme the other day about like, by the time your kids 12 You spent 75% of the time you're ever going to spend with them in their whole lives. I hate those ones. Like that gives me anxiety. Like my oldest as nine, I only have three years left to finish out the 75%. I'm just like, Ah, no, I really want to spend time with them over the summer, I still have work to do, I still want to preserve my sanity. But doing extra projects isn't important. So I remind myself of my priorities, what are my values? What are your family's values for this season? So then I feel good about saying, Hey, maybe I could write a book in six months? And then I look at okay, well, in six months, when it comes time to do this, like, how can I make sure that I'm reminded of this? And I can decide then like, is this still a good goal for me? Is this still match my values and priorities? Is this make sense? What can I do to support that I make space for it on my calendar, I have written down on my planning for the year that my goal in November is to work on this book. And it's not even to work on the book, it's to like, decide if I want to write the book. So it's in my task management software that I use for work, you can put a reminder on your calendar, but I've made space that like this is the thing I think I want to do then, and I can circle back to it.
Patricia Sung 15:59
And another thing I like to do is like have like a mini project toward the project so that I can still be excited about it. Because sharing what I know to help ADHD moms in a book format sounds super cool. But I'm like, I don't even know what that means. I don't know if that's involved. So in the meantime, knowing that I'm not going to work on this book for six months, what I can do is have a chat with my friend who's written a book, ask them like how it's gone. What would they tell themselves the beginning of the process, I can meet with a lady who is a book coach and get a feel for like, what does this project actually mean? What's the time investment that I'm going to need to put into this? Like, how much is it going to cost? What am I going to have to do and have a better understanding of what's going into it so that when I get to November, I'm be like, Yeah, this is something that I want to figure out. We're like, nope, nope, this, this is not for me.
Patricia Sung 16:46
And then I know though I have space in that month to do something else that's fun and different than what I normally do. But in taking these steps it allows me to disagree with and rewrite the anxiety that tells me if I don't do it, now, I'm never going to do it. This reflects on you as a person because you never did this thing that you wanted to do. Instead, I say, what are my priorities? What are my values? What am I going to need to do this kind of project? Where does it fit in the next few months or years?
Patricia Sung 17:17
What are the ways I can do some research to feel like this is a good decision for me and remind myself of all the things I have accomplished all the ways that I did not forget things. And that by prioritizing something for later does not mean that I'm procrastinating does not mean I have to feed into anxiety does not mean that I'm never going to do this thing that sounds like a really cool goal. Instead, I can live into being true to me, matching my values, aligning with who I am. And knowing that the summer months are for spending time with my kids. And that work takes a backseat as it should to my family, and then come school your picks back up, I can dive back into all the cool projects, I'm gonna be doing fun stuff,
Patricia Sung 17:57
when I have another round of Lighthouse, we're gonna have the retreat in October, like all these cool things are gonna happen when my kids are back in school, but then I don't have to wrestle with so much mom guilt about what I should or should be doing. And I know that yes, I still get to do my job over the summer, I still get to do the things that I love. I still get to meet with successful mama meetups. But it's not that I am procrastinating or being lazy or not trying to do big goals. It's that I'm living into my priorities. So I share this experience with you as I am going through it myself in rewriting that anxious narrator that runs in my brain all the time. Because that voice is getting quieter, those fears are starting to lower. And I'm able to rewrite the way that I think about things. In doing this work, I'm able to show up as a better mom more aligned with what matters.
Patricia Sung 18:48
And I want that for you too. So Mama, I will be around this summer, but a little bit less because I'm spending time with my kids. And I encourage you to take a few minutes today to look at what really matters to you in this season. Put down all those cool big dreams that you want to do and look at like what's feasible in this season. What matters most and to know that by putting something on the that's a really cool idea for later list. You can tell whether or not that's procrastination and avoidance or something else that we talked about earlier that's like bubbling up or is it you're living into who you are and what's most important for you and your family right now. I'll talk to you soon successful mama. For more resources, classes and community head over to my website, motherhoodinadhd.com.